Tag: adulting

Found it

Today was another great day of getting done things I hadn’t done yet, despite having them on the list for more than a short amount of time. Tomorrow, I hope, I shall continue to do such things(!). And I’m actually quite excited about that. One of the things I did today was just to spend a few minutes to sort through e-mails and to delete or mark as read the ones I had missed over time or that had expired relevance. That dropped my unread e-mail count by over a third. That was a big deal in and of itself. Hopefully, I remember to do more for actually reading those daily inspiration e-mails that I’ve stocked up. Tomorrow could be a day filled with inspiration! ;P

Post-a-day 2023

Lacking a goal

Lacking a goal can be one of the toughest times. I found a great one to have today, and I accomplished much and was very grateful for the accomplishments. Tomorrow shall be another such day in which I must create a specific goal, for I presently have none, and it is already becoming difficult.

Sure, I have the long-term goals. But I am at a small get significant crossroads right now. Perhaps this is the perfect time for me to do the things I’ve been putting off. (Meaning that it definitely is the time for that! Haha)

God, help me, please, to be my best self and to pursue and fulfill your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Old crap

(Forgive the language, please a it just seemed quite appropriately used here.)

There’s a lot of junk that comes with getting old. I don’t merely mean old-er. I mean old. There are lots of little hassles and troubles involved with getting older, with aging as a whole. But getting old has a uniquely stressful aspect: As the body and mind age, they often tend to revert towards babyhood, and adults are not prepared to take care of a 90-year-old toddler who not only can make others believe he is competent and allowed to be out alone, but can get out alone the moment a back is turned or a corner is rounded.

At some point, when ZK was still on my childhood, I was talking with my dad about the idea of grown kids wiping their parents’ butts as the parents grew too old to do it themselves. I asked him if he expected us to wipe his butt one day. He, quite seriously, said he absolutely did not expect it. I was surprised. He said he expected us to hire someone else to do it. I was even more shocked. You wouldn’t want your own family to care for you? And his answer was a firm, confident, and clear, ‘No.’

I didn’t understand it back then, not really. He had said something about hatred or resentment, but it didn’t make sense to me. After seeing the struggle with someone in my own family lately, and now having to deal with it firsthand myself, I understand what my dad had meant. He didn’t want us to resent him int he final years of his life. He wanted us to be able to love him and be happy with him in those years. Yes, it is very loving to care physically for someone, but it isn’t always happy or easy doing that. There can be a massive buildup of very negative memories in that relationship right at the very end of the old person’s life, leaving the younger person grateful of the death and, necessarily, then feeling horrible for being relieved and glad for it.

It is hard dealing with an old, sick person. Getting almost no sleep in order to help with constant bathroom wake-ups throughout the night, cleaning up bodily filth that ended up all over clothes and the floor and almost none in the toilet, forcing down medicines or vitamins or healthy foods or water just to help heal an illness or relieve the pains, changing a diaper on a fully grown person who resists it, despite having just walked around half-naked in public and not knowing it… that and so much more is very hard to handle. What’s harder is handling it all and not, in some way, resenting the person for whom one is doing it all. It’s so hard not to take it personally, especially when that person yells at you for who knows what…

So, I get it. I wouldn’t want my kids to have their final memories of and with me be ones of near-constant frustration and anger and heartbreak. Having and unrelated person come in to take care of the old person goes much further than one might think, for all members of the family. I never would have thought that before doing it myself, seeing it happen myself, twice now. And I am all the more grateful for the people in this world who do choose to take up that role in society. Those caretakers make more than a little difference. They don’t just do the grunt work or the dirty work of the situation. They can truly heal the situation. They completely transform what likely would have happened without them, and all the relationships involved for the better.

Thank you, all you who take care of the old people for their families. You help more than you could know.

Thank you, God, for these people.

Post-a-day 2023

Service

Sometimes, we get the honor of biting the bullet and being of service, especially in situations where we know we really don’t want to do it.

Like really don’t want to do it…

But are those not the times that God is, basically, giving us the stink eye, waiting for us to gtf over it, give up being comfortable or within our comfort zone, and do the right thing? It often feels that way, doesn’t it?? That feeling of super judgement – lovingly done, of course – until we give up and just do it, right?? Haha

Post-a-day 2023

Returning

I’ve worked out normally again for the past three days, and it has been marvelous. I have been so sore that I moan and groan every time I go to sit on the toilet or bend over. My hamstrings in particular are shaking like they haven’t in a long, long time. It is much like when we first started working out – and that same friend is doing the sprite with me now – and it is amazing. We both are hurting in such a good way, and it feels oh-so-good to be back.

And it feels like I’m actually being myself again, which makes it all the better.

Thank you, God. And thank you, friend. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

So far, so right

I got an interview today. It was short and sweet and to the point, and I very much enjoyed it. It seems to have gone well. We shall see what comes next.

But I know things would have been different for me today with this interview if I hadn’t stood my ground yesterday (and, possibly, earlier this week).

Thank you, God, for helping me to trust in you. Please, continue to do so – continue to make it clear for me which way you are calling me in each moment. Help me to pursue you and your will as also my own. Help me to love and to be loved, with and through you always. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

P.S. I really would like to get this job, just so we’re all clear.

Pulled

God is calling me, encouraging me to take a stand, yet something, too – the devil, perhaps? – is pulling me to feel guilty at this desire to stand for myself, to stand my ground, to stick with what feels right, though it may seem selfish at a glance.

I cannot explain it any other way right now, but it feels like God is calling me to be here right now.

Ironically, I was just sharing Sunday how I’ve determined that I need to trust wholly whatever call I feel from God right now, as that will lead me to where I need to be. And now, mere days later, I am having to do just that in a very difficult way, and I almost didn’t stand up for it.

Post-a-day 2023

Preferences or pickiness?

Growing up, I had certain dislikes. Now, I have certain dislikes. A few of them have withheld throughout the years, though most of them disappeared. Several of them seemed to be a matter of finding the right way to eat something. For example, tomatoes, I find to be delicious, but only when sliced at a medium-narrow thickness. Any thicker or any thinner I not only dislike them, but I gag on them for the texture and consistency. Avocados, I love, but only as avocados. Smash them into guacamole or avocado toast, and we’re back to gagging.

All that to say, I wonder what causes us to have the dislikes as children in the first place. How and why do we dislike certain foods and drinks? Are the kids just being picky, or is there truly something that makes it difficult for them to eat specific foods? Is the palate just not ready for certain foods at a young age? Or do we just need to force it down and grow accustomed to the foods that are good for us?

Just wondering…

Post-a-day 2023

Not good enough yet

I will be good enough after more learning and experience, but I’m not good enough for the dream jobs yet.

And that’s okay. It makes perfect sense, given that I’m only just learning even how to do the basics for this new career direction I want to pursue. I feel no shame for it. A touch of sadness, perhaps, due to the need to have some patience as I learn and improve, but no wrongness about it, no, ‘I suck,’ about it all.

But for how many other parts of my life do I not allow myself to experience this same scenario in such a way? How many other places do I expect to be better than I am, further along than I am, even though I haven’t yet had the learning and experience within that ‘role’ in order to be a master of it, to be exactly who and how I want to be in that realm? How much strain and stress and shame am I giving myself, when I have no true reason to expect myself to be any better than I am at certain things in this very moment? Relationships with others, with self? Working out solo instead of in group classes? Cooking for two? CLEANING for two? And a dog? Laundry for two? (To be clear, I still suck quite badly at the full laundry process for myself, and have been working slowly on that in recent years. Yet I expect myself to be able to ah for it flawlessly for two people suddenly??) Supporting a house? Paying for life in a house? Supporting a family financially? Managing prayer life for a family? Figuring out things not on my own? Keeping a sleep schedule that is drastically different from someone else in the same house?

I was not a great teacher when I first started teaching. Yes, I was good, especially for a new teacher. I had great instincts and great ideas. I had very good relationships and rapport with students. But I wasn’t a great teacher. It took me a long time to turn a lesson idea into an actually good lesson, let alone great lesson. My overall subject-area effectiveness was somewhere just above the middle, possibly a bit higher. Sure, I encouraged and empowered students to pursue their lives fully. But they didn’t necessarily learn their subject all that well. Now, however, things that took forever or never happened come easily for me. It takes little effort to turn a crap lesson – IN THE MOMENT – into a great and effective And fun lesson (for not just be students, but also for me). I put just as much effort into teaching, but the results are monumentally greater, and in all ways. I love teaching, and I have become a great teacher. But I wasn’t always a great teacher. Just because I was good and I was good enough to become great didn’t make me great then. It only made me great now, down the road of experience and effort and desire – not merely the desire to be great.

That being said, perhaps I could chill a bit on being so harsh on myself and my life for not being better already. Sure, I may be great at much. But that doesn’t mean I have to be amazing at things I have almost no experience or practice actually doing. It’s okay to suck at those things. That’s the point of a neophyte. And I am the one (in my shoes). (And yes, I’m a total nerd and a bit of an idiot, too. Please, enjoy the terrible pun. 😛 )

Post-a-day 2023

Saturday in the park

I planned a surprise boys weekend for my man. My two brothers (one who lives in Wisconsin) showed up Friday evening, right when my man finished work for the day, for an evening hanging out with steaks and green beans, cigars and drinks, and general merriment (without me), as the start to their two-night sleepover party. I had gone out with my mom and stepdad for the evening, only to return just before midnight to the boys out back, sipping bourbons and smoking cigars, while music blasted inside the house, so they had a gentle soundtrack seeping to them and the dog on the back patio. They hung out until very late, before finally being almost forced to go to bed, just so they could get up and be alive for the full schedule today. They seemed to be having a great time already.

Today, I made them double-chocolate pancakes with bacon and eggs for breakfast, and then shoved them out the door at half-past ten. They were scheduled to meet at a gun range with some family friends – my friend’s husband and dad – and our stepdad for some shooting time. They had a whole line of guns ready for them to swap around and shoot together, and I was gently envious of their time – I most certainly wanted to go myself, but I had promised a boys weekend for my man, specifically without me (and, no, he didn’t know that, since he didn’t even know about the weekend at all, but it was the whole reason I’d wanted to plan something in the first place, so I was sticking to it). However, I digress… Anyway, instead of the anticipated hour shooting and half hour to fiddle around there, they ended up shooting for about an hour and a half – it wasn’t busy, so no one kicked them out of the lanes – and then hanging out in the private lounge for another long while, just chatting. I’d anticipated an hour and a half at the range, yet they spent over three hours there. And, according to my stepdad, “It was Awesome,” and they all had a great time. 😛

(Bonus there is that the boys didn’t have to pay anything, because the other three are members of that gun club, and each gets a free guest and free protective gear for all parties to use, plus I made sure guns were brought by all who had them, so there were enough to go around without any renting. Not bad for something my brother had originally said was an expensive thing to put on the schedule. [It’s okay, I’m amazing, and it becomes clear to all, eventually. 😛 ] Granted, I did have to pack the bag for my man as they were rushing out the door this morning, as he’d not realized that he might want to bring guns to a gun range. I blame that on his still half-asleep state. They were up until three last night…)

Afterward they finally left the range, which was after two PM, they went to lunch at the one place I had recommended in the area, and then went to play with the mini-drone my brother had brought, while they waited for their 5pm tee-time (that’s golf). Apparently that was quite cool and silly and fun.

Then, they had their round of golf. If it had been busy, they wouldn’t have been likely to have finished the full 18 holes. However, since there were some openings/cancellations in tee-times, they were able to start on time but on the back half of the course, and actually play all 18 holes. The last one, they said, was rather tough in terms of visibility – sun was going down, you see – but was still doable. The sun had been really hot, but the later tee-time helped relieve a good amount of the painfully hot sunshine, and just make it quite hot.

When they were finally leaving the course at 8:40pm, my one brother requested a shower before dinner. So, instead of heading to the restaurant to eat, they just picked up the food and brought it home… which meant that I got to have a meal from the awesome Tex-Mex place, too(!). (Yippee! And thank you!) And they had the soft-serve ice cream cones while they waited for the food at the restaurant, as an appetizer, of course. 😛

I kid you not. Though I had purposely purchased ice cream stuff for them – it had been specifically requested – when they got home, they devoured their dinners, absolutely stuffing themselves from the intense hunger they were feeling after the hours of drone time and golf in the hot air and sunshine. Only one Snickers ice cream bar was eaten, and one fruit-based popsicle. So much for all the ice cream. 😛 Guess we’ll be eating that ourselves over the coming weeks. Haha

Anyway, after they’d eaten and showered (or showered and eaten, as was the case for my man and the one brother), we got on a stint of watching clips of old roller coasters from our beloved Astroworld, while my man passed out in a rocking chair. There was a touch of piano playing after the videos, and then they were beyond ready for bed, absolutely wiped.

After everything this weekend, they were tired little boys, and they had earned it, to be sure. I think they all genuinely had a good time, and I’m so glad it all worked out.

Tomorrow morning, the one brother leaves here at 8:30 to catch a flight back up North, and the other heads home to his wife whenever he wakes up. We have a lunch and then an afternoon thing for fathers’ day for each of our dads. Hopefully, we can be up for morning Mass. if not, we’ll have the evening Mass. And then, we likely will pass tf out, and early, tomorrow evening. This weekend had been good, but a lot, especially for the boys.

Thank you, God, for making this all work out so well this weekend. You answered my prayers for a positive boys weekend, and I am grateful, as you know. I am relieved it all went so well, and so pray that my man truly enjoyed it all, as that was the main goal. Please, grant us all safe travels tomorrow especially, and always. Thank you for this life and all this love. Thank you, especially for the love we all have been able to experience this weekend, and from many directions. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023