fear

Bluebell and Ice Cream

Bluebell and Ice Cream (also properly titled, but not necessarily known as “Bluebell and Pizza) for year number eight was a success. My man went with me, and we rushed over after the cool opera showcase – it was very cool, by the way – that ended at 9pm. We arrived around 9:30, but the party was still in swing, so we had some somewhat melty but cold Bluebell ice cream sandwiches and ice cream, talked with people, and let the dog a bunch. As we were leaving, we ended up with the host, checking out all the furniture she had made in her recent woodworking endeavors, and also playing on and checking the tuning of the piano she recently inherited (though doesn’t yet know how to play). My man, of course, spent the piano time roughhousing with the dog, having a grand ole time that contrasted to the previous ‘people time’ of the party itself. I could totally relate.

Anyway, it was a great evening, and I enjoyed that I enjoyed being social like that.

Thank you, God, for such a blessing as ease in such a setting, and especially for the joy of it all and the extra blessing of balance as we got the two-on-two time with the host and her dog afterward. Thank you. Amen.

P.S. I ran into a buddy from high school at the opera thing – had given him some extra tickets we’d had – and another buddy from high school and college who is an awesome musician, though on the spectrum, so is often a tad over the top or odd in social settings. However, the irony was that the former was a touch awkward and the latter was quite comfortable and fun tonight! It was silly, yet good. I was glad to see and be with them both. And it was especially lovely to have the extra-long hug the musician gave me – he always hugs me when he sees me, though he doesn’t seem to touch most people. He still talked to me while facing a slightly other direction, as though looking for someone ‘somewhere over there’, and he talked in the same upper class British cadence without the accent, as he always does, but it was surprisingly comforting to be in such an unchanged and familiar situation that brought up so many positive memories and feelings. And he told me how I can now watch the opera that he wrote and had performed! Looking forward to watching it on a television soon!

Post-a-day 2022

I have been experiencing depression and lots of other negative emotions lately, with a lot of it sourced from my gym, which has always been a place of welcome and homeyness and safety. With new management and a new organization to who does what, the entire experience has changed… and it hasn’t been for the good on our end. There is so much potential available to it, but it has been a very rocky start. And my man and I have certainly gotten the rough and short end of it all. What makes it worse is that the people running it all likely have no earthly idea… even though they’re kind of the ones causing it, both directly and indirectly.

So, I’ve been wanting to leave the gym the past month-ish. But I haven’t found anything that offers the same fitness opportunity yet, so I haven’t left. (That’s how bad it has been, yes.) Since there is nowhere else to go right now, I am seeing if we can work this out here, at least for the time being. Perhaps brutal honesty is what is truly needed.

I reached out to the person in charge today, asking to schedule a meeting within the next week-ish. It was a positive response. Now, we just have to align on a time.

That all being said, I pray for the guidance to communicate effectively in this meeting. Thank you, God, for this opportunity. Help me to grow and fulfill your will as I make a positive difference for myself and the gym and all of its current and future members by having this meeting. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Restless

Do you ever find yourself, while in the middle of doing something valuable, feeling like you’re doing nothing to make the world a better place? Like you just need to go do something… as though you aren’t already on the middle of doing one of those somethings?

I’ve been sitting at school, grading papers, spending time around students, prepping for my classes that are later today… and I keep feeling so utterly antsy, like I can hardly wait to be done with this all.

And it’s weird for me.

I love to teach. And I love learning. I’m getting to do both of those things right now. So, what’s buggin’?

And I don’t know the answer to that. I am finally growing comfortable – rather, have grown comfortable – with this position, and I’m ready to move on. How come? Am I not making enough of a difference here? Am I bored by it? Am I constantly comparing it to something better that I’ve done, and seeing it fall short again and again? Am I starting to resent it and myself, because it isn’t enough, isn’t good enough on some level or other?

Am I upset, because it just keeps feeling like a constant reminder of how I have failed elsewhere, that I am in a temporary position that, though it makes a huge difference for the school and students, is merely a reminder of the fact that I don’t have my own teaching position… that I am only filling in for someone else for a short while? And so I can find endless issues with the position and the school… thereby making it fee even worse that this was all I could get…

Yeah… it’s looking a lot like that is the reason.

I’m just going to sit with that for right now, and see later what is calling me most in terms of what to do about it.

Until then, May we all experience the blessings all throughout and within our day today. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Hard Times

It can become extremely difficult to handle tough situations with grace, when our bodies and minds are suffering from a lack or excess of any kind, be it too little nourishing food and too much junk, or too little sleep or too much lazing, too much negative talk and too little kindness and generosity… Life just is harder when we don’t take true care of our bodies and our minds.

And it is a circle of positive feedback – the more we give ourselves the lacks and the excesses, the harder things become.

It is certainly time for me to take a stand and start caring for myself fully again. I cannot care for another or others to any degree truly, if I have not taken care of myself first. If I am not at my best, it will be immensely harder to help others be at theirs.

God, grant me the courage and the certainty that I am worth the efforts of caring for myself fully. Please, that I may do your will wholly. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Prayers answered

You know the story of the man in his home as a storm hits, how the neighbors ask in a truck for him to flee with them, and he replies that God will save him? The flood waters rise, a boat comes, offers a ride, and he declines, saying God will save him. The waters rise more, a helicopter comes to him as he sits on his roof, surrounded by water, but he declines the ride. ‘God will save me.’ He then is sealed up by the waters. As he approaches the pearly gates, he asks God why God never saved him. God asks him what he thought the truck, the boat, and the helicopter were.

I felt a version of that story today, coincidentally right after having a student mention that story in class.

You see, I hit this issue with my part-time job, right? I prayed for clear guidance from God as to what to do. I needed to know if I was staying with the job, and, if so, how to go about picking up an extra shift, in order to meet the new requirements.

I felt initially like it might be to pick up a shift this weekend, today, but it had to work out just right. There was then an open invitation for 7pm to midnight work for tonight. But it just felt like too much struggle for me, staying out and up so late. It was too likely I would end up sick, as I usually have whenever I stay up and out like that.

Then a shift was available for 2pm to 7pm today… still later than I wanted. But let me think on it. It’ll still be there, if it’s meant to be. I trust you… After a bit, I decided to go ahead and go for it; suck it up and make it work. But the shift was gone. I couldn’t take it. I looked into it, and saw that no one had actually picked it up. So, I potentially could reach out to the original person and ask if she still wanted it covered… but that didn’t feel right.

Something kept pulling at me, though… there was something about today, since I was finishing at school so early. There had to be something… please?

Then, in our group message thing, I saw the most recent message from about 45 minutes beforehand. Someone had an issue arise and couldn’t go in. Could someone go in from now until 5pm?

Seriously?!

‘I could go in about an hour,’ I offered. It was true. I could handle enough work to have only a bit left to do before school Monday, and head out by noon, work until five, and get to my man not too long after he would be finishing work for the day. And it would fulfill the extra day I needed to work before the end of the month, without giving up tomorrow or a Sunday.

A manager responded, saying they would love to have me. So, I got my work handled quickly after all my classes ended, and I headed in just a few minutes after noon. I was ready to start working before 12:30, and was blown away when, halfway through the shift, a manager tells me that I’m only supposed to be there until 4:30. Even better! I love working at this place, but for four hours at a time. Beyond that, and it kind of wipes me.

So, I got home feeling really great this evening. Added bonus is that, when I have to work next weekend, my man will be playing golf with his brothers and dad for his birthday. Score on timing!

Anyway, the manager person who had sent me the surprising e-mail the other day talked to me intentionally today, apologizing for how it had been shocking, that she had had no idea that we weren’t aware of the new policy, and that I had not been alone – others had responded similarly when she’d e-mailed them about the same thing. We had a great talk about it all, and I felt quite relieved at having been heard in my shock and upset and concerns. I actually agree that the policy is a good one to have – it was just not communicated to any of us workers, and it was practically the opposite of what we had always been told previously. So, there was a major ball-drop on the leadership side there. She is now working to sort that out, though, fortunately.

All-in-all, it was a positive day, and I am grateful for how lovely it all turned out to be. Thank you, God.

With the whole available shifts thing, it really felt like offerings from God to handle the situation, combined with my own stubbornness, and also standing for my own health and well-being, being my best self. I feel as though, because I never got angry or nasty, but just stood with courage, I was given the beautiful opportunity I was.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for that helicopter. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

P.S. For a birthday on a Wednesday, how soon can we give the first birthday present? Is Saturday too soon, or must we wait for Sunday, so it’s officially in the birthday week? Or Monday for the mostly European one? Or simply Wednesday????? What would you do, hmm??

Golf!

I had my first golf lesson today. We started and ended early, because a massive – and I truly mean massive – storm was rolling into town. I even had to go alternate routes to get home, though it wasn’t far from the driving range, because the pouring rain filled the streets so badly. I couldn’t even see more than a few feet for a bit.

Anyway, golf lesson. It was awesome. I hit the ball and everything, and I even hit it well a handful of times. Two of them were just like… Whoosh!… That was nice… And the coach even said so on those. It felt really good on those, having good form and balance and everything, blowing the ball out onto the range smoothly, as though I had done it before already. My body liked it. It liked it a lot.

So, it looks like I will enjoy this new hobby, specifically going to the driving range. We’re already going to Top Golf next week for my man’s birthday (the whole reason I took a lesson now in the first place, since I couldn’t even hit the ball when I’d gone with my brother to a range once, several years ago). But the coach let me hold onto the starter club for now, so I can practice, and I intend to practice. Boy, do I intend to practice. I can hardly wait to fulfill one of my dreams of hanging out at the driving range, hitting balls alongside someone I love.

I was nervous, a bit scared. But this has turned out perfectly. I’m so glad I got ahold of the instructor the other day so easily, and I trusted the feeling that he would help me beautifully as I needed help.

Dear God, thank you. Thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

P.S. God, please, help us both keep level heads – literally and figuratively – when we go to the range together. Please. Thank you. Amen.

P.P.S. I even had a sport skirt and cute shirt to wear, like I knew what I was doing. No collar required at the range, but I still looked very nice and very cute! Woohoo! Thank you, again, God. And thank you to my man for making this all possible. I love you. 😉

Let it go…*

And, some days, life is just tough. Things can go up and down and back and forth from high stress to, ‘I can do this,’ and back all day long. Sometimes, too, it can continue into the night.

Dear God, help me to let go of whatever it is to which I am currently clinging that is causing me such stress and pains. Help me to open my hands and myself fully to you and your will. Help me to release, to let go and let God… in your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

*Ironically, I’ve had one of the Frozen songs in my head all afternoon and evening today, but not that one! “…finish each other’s…” “…sandwiches!”

What to do…

The part-time job I’ve had almost two years has implemented a new policy – suddenly – that is likely to be troublesome. Put differently, I either have to make some big effort quickly, or I will be forced to leave the company.

I determined that I would pray about it tonight, then see how it all feels. I have been considering leaving the company most of this year, but figured I at least would stay through my two-year anniversary and the special winter discount we get to purchase things for others in late November, early December. Logic tells me that, if I was already thinking that way, I likely do not want to work for the company anymore. However, I’m not going to take the easy route of avoidance simply because it is the easiest. I shall pray about this, and then do as God guides me.

Let’s see what that shall mean, shall we?

Dear Lord, please, give me clarity as to what to do to move forward in my life, such that I pursue your will fully, being who I was made to be, my best self. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Dancing

We went to a dance event tonight. It was a country event, but we came for the west coast swing finals part of it, and the social dancing after those events. My man and I did.

And it was awesome.

We danced with each other and with other people. I gave him a sort of mini lesson after we first went downstairs and he got a bit overwhelmed just by seeing everything. (Apparently he had spent the whole day being scared and nervous and trying to create reasons not to come because of that. I had kept asking him all day what was wrong and what was going on, since he was being so snippy and unkind toward me and stressed and all. He had only ever told me that he just needed to ‘get over it’ about each little thing.m, though he never really did… until we started dancing, that is.) He then asked me to dance in the main room before and after the competitions and awards, and he voluntarily sought out four other women and danced with them (always while I was out of the room, naturally). And he and I danced more and more, and I showed him more and more bits, and he got better and better. And it was awesome.

I had begun being comfortable with the idea that I likely would not get to do west coast swing with my husband, whoever he would be, because I never much liked the men who would frequent events and get involved in the typical social culture of dance events and all – read ‘lots of alcohol and sleeping around and being pompous’ – and found it unlikely I would meet my man at any event. And then this guy showed up. In our first night of knowing one another, he voluntarily offers up that he grew up doing a bit of ballroom for kids, and that his favorite dance was probably west coast swing. He’d only learned a bit, and it was all self-taught, but he loved it. And so, God blesses us…

Thank you, God, for this lovely opportunity. Thank you for bringing my man and me together. Thank you for this awesome step into the dance world for the both of us this weekend. Phew. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Friday night

We had a birthday dinner at Benihana for my sister-in-law tonight. We brought gifts that all were shades of purple, and the smaller ones were wrapped somewhat Japanese style, what with the wrapped item then put inside a decorative bag and tied closed, while the larger was simply wrapped in purple wrapping paper. The money was green, but it was wrapped in a cute pink Japanese gift-giving cloth. (My mom had gotten a money envelope, but I couldn’t remember the kanji that were right for birthdays or general events, so I wasn’t sure it was the right kind, and thought it actually was a wedding one…, so we didn’t use that.)

We also brought glow sticks for everyone to choose and wear. And Haribo Goldbären and Kit-Kat minis and mochi doughnuts – also wrapped in Japanese style baggies with colorful ties and stickers – were the party favors we gave everyone.

Basically, it was a silly little surprise-party-type dinner, without being an actual surprise party. Just the level of festivity was a surprise, I guess. Oh, and we also had a candle that we stuck into her ice cream when they brought that out and sang to her.

And I am exhausted right now. But that’s okay. I actually had a great time at dinner, even though it went until around 9pm, which is already late for me to be out, but especially so after this tough, tough week and the start of school.

And we’re going to a dance event tomorrow night, just for the night. I’m slightly terrified.

God, please, help me to have the energy and comfort in my body and mind to enjoy tomorrow and tomorrow night fully. Help me to help my man enjoy it all fully, please. And thank you for getting me through everything this week. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022