women – hannah ananas

The struggle

Sometimes, I just don’t want to do it anymore… it just feels so hard.

In a pit of the impossible, miserable and feeling like hope is worthless…

And part of me knows that all will be well.

Yet the everything of right now just makes it feel not worth it.

I guess this is the point they’ve been discussing all of Lent on Hallow, when we must just let go and let God take over for us. When we have hit our own limits and we can only proceed by acknowledging that we cannot do it ourselves, that we need God’s help.

A part of me doesn’t want it to get better, but I don’t know why. Perhaps because I know it will take such effort to get better. Perhaps because I don’t want to have to get over the pain. Perhaps because I want to be right that this is horrible behind fairness. Perhaps because, if this were better, I then would have to deal with all the other junk out there right now… and the idea of facing any of that after facing this is just…. even worse than sitting here in the crap mental space that currently surrounds me…

Oh, God… help me to want to heal fully and truly, and then to heal. Help me to forgive you. Help me to let go of the responsibility and guilt of this all. Please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Returning

I’ve worked out normally again for the past three days, and it has been marvelous. I have been so sore that I moan and groan every time I go to sit on the toilet or bend over. My hamstrings in particular are shaking like they haven’t in a long, long time. It is much like when we first started working out – and that same friend is doing the sprite with me now – and it is amazing. We both are hurting in such a good way, and it feels oh-so-good to be back.

And it feels like I’m actually being myself again, which makes it all the better.

Thank you, God. And thank you, friend. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

So far, so right

I got an interview today. It was short and sweet and to the point, and I very much enjoyed it. It seems to have gone well. We shall see what comes next.

But I know things would have been different for me today with this interview if I hadn’t stood my ground yesterday (and, possibly, earlier this week).

Thank you, God, for helping me to trust in you. Please, continue to do so – continue to make it clear for me which way you are calling me in each moment. Help me to pursue you and your will as also my own. Help me to love and to be loved, with and through you always. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

P.S. I really would like to get this job, just so we’re all clear.

Uhm… seriously?

I asked for a quick back rub before I went to sleep and he went for his run. He asks if he can do it when he gets back instead (knowing full well that I’ll be asleep, and he’ll be able to do it or not, and I wouldn’t know the difference). ‘So I can’t enjoy or even know about it??’ He laughs and comments about my face, adding that my face ‘says it all.’ ‘Of course it does,’ I tell him as he walks down the hallway, ‘Honesty and transparency are important in a relationship.’ He chuckles.

And then he actually leaves. He doesn’t even say he’s leaving or give me a goodbye kiss. He just leaves.

He must really hate rubbing my back.

::big sigh…

Post-a-day 2023

Powers of observation?

I wear one of two pair of earrings these days. I’ve worn one pair, a dangling pair, maybe five or so times in the past year and a half. The rest of the time, I wear the other pair, the studs. I wear them at least part of the day every four out of seven days, roughly. And that has been my standard the past year and a half.

Talking today with my man, in the middle of our slightly stressed discussion – calling out automatic-reaction-defensive meanness always is a bit strained – we had a pause to let emotions settle with the facts (always a good thing to do).

And you know what he suddenly says to me? “You’re wearing two different earrings.”

The shock is rather unreal for me. You see, I am wearing the studs pair of earrings in this conversation. I ask him to tell me what each one is. He tells me that one is a Texas and the other is a star. ‘What kind of star?’ I ask. When he fumbles on an answer, clearly registering how silly his comment seems now, I finish for him, “A Texas Star.” The pair of earrings is, as described, a Texas on one ear and the Lone Star on the other. I always check to make sure they are both upright, the star especially. I’ve even asked him for help to straighten them on various occasions.

I point out to him that this is the pair of earrings I wear just about every time I wear earrings. ‘And you’re just noticing this fact about them?(!!!)’

The whole situation is comical and we both know it. How could he not have noticed this fact at any point in the past? We both know he has almost no excuse. He has looked at these earrings directly before today, and more than once by far. And yet he never noticed that they were two different shapes that go together as a set, versus matching ones.

Never.

We both smile at the comedy of it, enjoying the humor, especially the irony of its surfacing in the middle of a stressed situation/conversation. And I absolutely loved how we both were able to participate fully in the unique conversation of the earrings, as though we were in a sidebar with the judge from our actual conversation, settle the topic, and then go back to the original to the conversation in a better mood.

It was ridiculous. And wonderful. 😛

Thank you, God. Amen. 😀

Post-a-day 2023

Okay, then, body

Menstruation stuff in this one – you have been alerted! ;P

………

So, I went to a meeting for folks who’s re wanting to get into the tech world this afternoon. I spent, perhaps, a grand total of five minuets in the two-hour session.

You see, I was having unusual abdominal-ish pain this afternoon from menstruation. Not that the pain is unusual as a concept for women menstruating, but that it is very uncommon for me. Discomfort? Sure. But pain? Almost never. So, for lack of a better way of describing it, it felt like I was about to have intense diarrhea, but in a slightly different area from my stomach and bowels. Aka it sucked big time.

However, when I do have this discomfort and occasional pain, pressing directly on the edges of my pelvic bone usually helps to relieve the discomfort and the pain. This applied today, too. I went to the bathroom as soon as I arrived, confirming that it was not diarrhea, and was merely my body being angry that it isn’t pregnant yet. Then, I went into the meeting. It had been listed and described as a happy hour, but it was a meeting. I sat in the seat offered to me, as only one other across the room was truly available, without a bunch of stuff sitting on the table in front of it.

Immediately, I regretted the spot. Clearly, the woman next to me was going to continue sitting on a blocking way, her back fully to me and leaning forward to the table, so I couldn’t quite be included in any discussion or see the person presenting directly. And it was also out of ignorance, not meanness, which somehow bothered me more. In addition to this, I identified a sweet, strong, fake, and sickly scent that was clearly someone’s perfume. It seemed to be this woman next to me. On the other side of me were open bags of chips, thus leaving my nostrils filling with horrible perfume and corn chips.

And did I mention that it felt warm?

I pulled out my fan almost immediately and started fanning myself carefully under the table, so as not to be rude. The presenter noticed and commented not to worry, that she had already reported about the air and it was being fixed, whatever that was supposed to mean. I recalled that it had been warmer when I’d walked into this section of the building, a shared office space area, and even warmer when I walked into this particular meeting room within that space.

Perhaps a total of three minutes pass, and my guts are going wild – I can barely stand to sit. I go ahead and stand to the side when there is a pause, and squat down and move around, seeing what my body may need. Suddenly, I am clear that everything within me wants to curl up on the floor… and possibly throw up. The latter is new, but growing with increasing intensity.

I quickly exit the meeting room. I then rush back in and grab a tampon, then re-exit the meeting room. My initial thought is to go to a bathroom.

But then I notice other things happening… I am about to pass out, I realize.

Ice pressed to the back of the neck is the number one helper when one is about to pass out. It then gives time to figure out whatever else the body may need – be it oxygen or water or sugar – but without having to pass out. I stumble across the office space and find a mini fridge. It only is a fridge; no freezer up top. It is filled with forgotten lunch bags from the grocery store and half-drunk water bottles. I grab a water bottle and put it to my neck, and promptly stumble to the floor.

The floor is smooth concrete. Any skin touching it feels the coolness as a balm. But it is still warm in the office – this won’t be enough.

As soon as I realized I was close to passing out, I called my mom and told her the scenario. I needed someone to know what was happening to me, as no one was about in the office space. I also wanted someone who could potentially help me, if I started having trouble thinking. So, I’m talking to her as I lie on the ground in this office. A woman appears and tells me I can’t lie there on the floor, but I can lie on the bench, and am I sure I don’t want her to call an ambulance?

I am sure, I tell her. I ask multiple times for ice, and she tells me they have none. Nowhere in the building? ‘We don’t have any.’ I still think she must be wrong, as it is a huge building with many setups within it. She must only be part of this particular office space. She does not seem entirely resourceful. I tell her I’m about to pass out and just need ice, that’s all. But she cannot seem to figure out what to do about that, and asks me again to move to the sofa bench.

My mom encourages me to make the move, so the woman doesn’t call an ambulance. With great effort I peel myself upward and fall forward to the bench, half-crawling and half-rolling up onto it. I’ve made it.

The woman disappears, as I tell her that cold water on paper towels would be helpful. Another women who speaks little English appears and hands me a full bottle of water that is very cold. Her shirt matches the orange polo the other woman was wearing. “Here. Cold.” And then she disappears again.

When I first try to grab the bottle, I can’t. My hand won’t work quite right. My muscles started tingling when I was on the floor, and they haven’t stopped. I am shaking in places now. This reminds me both of passing out and of the panic attack I had that one day at home alone.

Breathe. Slowly, fully… breathe.

I do.

I finally grab the bottle.

I roll to my back and hold the cold water bottle behind my head, resting my neck and head on it. It helps.

But I also need to drink some of this water, I realize clearly. I pull it out and replace it with a half-drunk bottle under my neck. Lying on it helps much more than just holding it to my neck while on my side. I drink some water. It does good. I screw the cap back on and out it back to my neck. It is much more effective than the other bottles.

I go to unscrew the cap to take another sip, but I haven’t sat up yet to take the sip, and end up slipping as I push myself up, and dropping the water. The cap is already off, so water goes all over the bench sofa. It is plastic on the outside, so it will be fine. But I have lost half my truly cold and drinkable water. It freaks the original lady out. She wants to call an ambulance. I decline firmly but kindly as I roll up and stand with my forearms on the tabletop next to the bench-seat. I apologize about the water, and then I drink some more of the cold water. It helps.

The woman bring me a USB-charged handheld fan. I point it at the back of my neck. It really helps.

I tell my mom I need to put down the phone. Please, let my man know the situation and see if he can come get me or not, then call me back in ten minutes. I tell her I’m going to the bathroom, then we hang up.

I take the fan with me and go back out into the hall to find a bathroom. I don’t find one, so go back downstairs to the one I’d used earlier. It’s just one flight and it’s right by the stairs. And I genuinely feel like I can handle the stairs, though I am still a mess.

In less than a minute, I am in the bathroom and stumbling to a stall. I use the toilet rather quickly, though express my pain and frustration while sitting there a moment. After I wash my hands, I sit in the floor and put my head against the wall. The wall is cold, and so is the floor. For that matter, it feels like all the cold air is blowing into this tiny two-stall bathroom, and not the rest of the building. It is very cold in here.

And it does me such good.

Within minutes, I can see fully clearly, all of my muscles feel normal, and everything has settled within me. Even the pain down low has lessened significantly, so it is still there. My need to vomit is nonexistent, and my breathing is, somehow, easy.

So, it’s all about the temperature, then… How odd.

If that is the case, though, then I need to go ahead and leave. It is far too warm in that part of the building and in that meeting room. Not to mention the smells in there that likely didn’t help. I want to be home. If this happens again, I don’t want to be here and having to deal with it again. I want to be home.

I tell my mom, and then I go upstairs to fetch my things and return the fan. I noticed instantly when I walk into the warmer part of the building how I start feeling worse. I return the fan and explain the Tyanne of ministration for the whole affair to the woman. Finally, she understands why I didn’t want her to call an ambulance. It was something that was going to pass, and that just had to be endured for the time being. She explains that she had had a stroke at one point, thus her terror for me earlier. But she gets it now, and is relieved. I tell her that I am not staying and then I’m going to go eat the snacks in my car, and go home; that I’m going to call a family member when I get in the car. She accepts and wishes me well.

I go back into the meeting to get my bag and sweater. I excuse myself and say that I need to leave. The leader comes to give me an information packet and bag, and asks if everything is OK. I mention that I am just having some real ministration trouble, and that I just need to go home. The room is all women, and they all get it immediately. They look at me, various types of knowing and commiseration in their eyes, and several of them wish me well and wish me feel better soon. None of them show signs of any negativity towards me or towards what I have said. I have to write down my name and email for the leader before I leave, though. In just these two minutes, I noticed my symptoms all getting worse. It is time to leave.

And I do.

I step into the bathroom for just a moment before leaving the building, to get one last hit of the really cold air all over my body. When I walk outside, the heat hit me in a way it didn’t earlier. My body does not want heat right now. Though it regularly feels better from any ailment just by sitting in the sun for a few minutes, that is not the case today.

Once in my car, I blast the a/c like I never do, and aim to get out all the heat as fast as possible. I can feel the sickness rising within me. I drink some of the last sips of the cold water, and it helps while I wait for the car to cool.

I remember that I had planned to stop at In-N-Out on my way home, so I could bring home burgers for my man and me. We love In-N-Out, but we live nowhere near one. I check in with my mom to tell her that I am leaving, and I ask her opinion. She says definitely to get the burgers. I can eat mine there or at home – whichever one feels best at the time. Nonetheless, eat the snacks I have in the car right now. We hang up, and I eat the snacks. I get our protein style burgers to go, and I fill my water bottle with ice to chill the warm water within it, and I make the 40-minute trek home with unexpected ease. Th cold water to sip makes all the difference.

We devour our burgers as soon as I get home. I drink ice cold water for a while, and then pass out – the good and intentional kind – on the sofa, exhausted. I sleep hard for just under an hour, and notice that the pain is gone and the discomfort is barely noticeable now. I was sweating all over at the office building, but my body temperature seems fully normal now. When I step outside, nothing happens right away, though the air is still plenty warm and humid. I’m able to stay out a few minutes before noticing even discomfort beginning. I am filled with relief.

Apparently, this episode I had today was just like what my mother experienced somewhat regularly in her younger years. She has said before that things sorted out after her first pregnancy, but that it had sucked until then. So, I imagine this was sort of that. She said she usually would curl up on the bathroom floor at home for twenty minutes until it passed, and then resume life, much like I had to do today.

I have had similar episodes myself, but never to this point of nearly passing out like today, or the intense draw to throw up. I just want to curl up on the floor, and I press my pubic bone and breathe deeply and slowly for maybe twenty minutes, and then it wanes and I can resume normal function.

Goodness… that’s nuts. And it’s even more nuts to think how many women have it worse off and regularly so. And it’s even more nuts to think that so much of the trouble likely ties into hormonal imbalances within our systems. How can we heal our bodies as a people?

Anyway, glad that all has passed. Goodness…

God, thank you for getting me through all of this today, and thank you for making the pain stop. Thank you for all the love and support I received, especially from my mom. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

On the defense, offensively

I attended a women’s self-defense class today. A friend invited me multiple times, so I imagined it was expected to be a good class. It was taught by a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu instructor, which was actually the main reason I went. I had a feeling she would cover some extremely valuable stuff that is different from what we do in karate. By going, I could begin to round out my self-defense repertoire, something I’ve been wanting to do for some time now.

And I was right.

She covered some very simple ways to get out of wrist grabs, being bear hug-grabbed from behind, as well as how to take on being knocked to the ground and attacked by a man from the front/top, and, not only to stop him in two different scenarios, but to render him unconscious by restricting blood flow. That last part was definitely awesome to learn. I had always wondered how to do that, and I learned much for it today.

The whole class, though, I was thinking about whether I could execute this stuff on someone bigger and stronger than I am. I have always held my own in wrestling matches that are for fun, but all that stopped when I met my man. I do believe that I have not once bested him in any kind of wrestling scenario. I mentioned something of this to the instructor, and she said to bring him next time, so I can practice with him at the end of the class.

I guess I get to look forward now to practicing these crazy things with my man!

Thank you, God, for the many blessings of today. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

So many hats

What does one do with 20-30 baseball hats? And he wears them, he does. Some he wears quite often, others just often, and some rarely, but he wears them all. The question is: Where do we store all these hats, and how?

He tried a little hanging bar with clips. For one thing, I don’t like clipping the hats. It seems uncomfortable for them, somehow. Yes, I am fully aware that they are hats and not living beings. However, could you imagine any material, living or dead, surviving unscathed from metal claw clips holding them, hanging all its weight in those claws, for most of its life? I think not. So, let’s not hurt the hats. For another point, though, that bar only really fits five or six hats comfortably, anyway. We aren’t putting those bars all over the house or all up and down any single wall, either.

So, the bar idea doesn’t really work.

We could put a shelf and line the whole top of the bedroom with them, like wallpaper decoration. But I doubt I would find comfort and relaxation in thirty baseball hats staring at me every night, so that’s unlikely to work.

I have all my hats in a single box, just a bit sorbet than a shoebox. They’re all lined up, one in front of the other, overlapping comfortably, all sitting in the open-topped box on a shelf in my closet. But I only have about six or seven, ten at most. He has at least triple that… perhaps something like that could work, but we don’t want to pack them away to where he can never see them easily. He’d never end up wearing any of them that way. Perhaps I can find a way to set them up like that, but on shelves somewhere easily accessed, yet still out of the way… hmm…

What do you think, eh? Because I definitely don’t want them scattered throughout the house forevermore. What to do with thirty-ish baseball hats???

Post-a-day 2023

Errands

I was struggling to get out of the house and get my errands done earlier today. Just as I was getting near the point of I must leave Now, my cousin reached out to me and my mom. She let us know that she was in town for the week and would like to see us, if possible. After a few further messages and a quick phone call, I hopped in the car and went and picked up my cousin.

She only had until about five o’clock, and it was already almost 3pm. But I picked her up – and she left her baby with her husband and in-laws! – and she went and ran my errands with me.

It sounds silly, perhaps, but I think we both had a really great time just being together again, and with no other real distractions, no one else for us to have to think about or check in upon. One of my errands happened to be to my mom’s office to pick up some pie, so my cousin got to see my mom for a little bit, even.

I dropped her off at their dinner reservation near 5:30pm, after a lovely time together, and with an intention of going to pick her up in the morning to come hang out with me at the house while I get things done here, both for the slumber party and for my trip. If the timing works well, she and I also will go to this wonderful shop that makes fabulous natural body products – oils, scrubs, lotions, soaps, etc. Then we can have some lovely tea/tisanes at the house together and just be all hyggelig together.

Thank you for this lovely day, God. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Surprise!

The test was nothing like anticipated, and was actually kind of ridiculously easy for me, as it played well to my strengths. I believe several people struggled, but I had minimal struggle – I aimed for perfecting the movements, while, it seemed, most others aimed simply to be able to do the movements. It was a surprise and a bit of a relief, as well as a touch disappointing. I was looking forward to the hard kick test of which I had heard for years. But it wasn’t meant to be. The head guy decided, for some reason, to do it all differently this time.

Perhaps they will decide that it wasn’t hard enough for us, and so will do their own version of it on us in February… only time shall tell!! But that’s how it all went today – simple and easy.

And I trust that it was perfect that way. Thank you, God.

…..

Separately, have you ever had something happen, and felt a need to speak up about it, though felt embarrassed or ashamed to have to bring it up in the first place? Yeah… I have one of those things that I now want and need to address, and am also scared to address. But I have reached out to the appropriate person, and will have that conversation with her tomorrow, and ask for her guidance on how to proceed with the situation as a whole. Hopefully, it was all intended as harmless. However, I still need to speak up about it and communicate that it wasn’t acceptable. (Yikes, I know. Prayers for successful communication appreciated.)

God, guide me clearly, please, and give me the ease and purpose and words needed for this situation to sort out beautifully and with you newly at its heart. In your name, I pray. Help me, please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022