Tag: future

Forgiveness being given*

The prayer says, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who trespass against us…” I’m currently working on the part of, ‘even if I am unaware of my wrongdoing, or even if I am not willing or wanting to ask for forgiveness, do I still hope that God would forgive me to the point of loving me actively?’ In which case, I have a dilemma before me as to the extent of the forgiveness I offer to others in my life, especially regarding the individual who abused me. ‘Where do I go from here?’ has been the question in my head all day. I do not presently have an answer, but I know it is something I must write and talk out, for it wants sorting. I do not want to stop in justification. I want to learn to forgive as I wish God to forgive me. But this will take an inquiry on what forgiveness is, I suppose, just to begin.

*So, is it something we give forth, then?

Post-a-day 2021

Vulnerability

Well, I was shut down and crushed in one area this week. But then I was praised and respected in another. The boys – I suppose they are technically men, though their brains, I think, are not fully developed [not being by mean here – that’s a real thing] yet – officially requested to be my friends. I am to change the group chat name from ‘“Buddies”’ to something with “friends” in it, whenever I consider them to be friends of mine, instead of just acquaintances and buddies. And yes, the word buddies is in quotes in the actual name. No, I did not do that myself. 😛

Anyway, they expressed the need for vulnerability in friendships, and so I offered up a good chunk of that in our group chat, after our adventures together tonight, and I shared what I had written about the abuse I experienced in college.

We shall see what happens…

Post-a-day 2021

Alas… a lass

Little girl in me is crushed – fairly certain he’s in a relationship. 😭😭😭
Correction: I think he is, and that hurts as much as being fairly certain.
Ugh… I supise it isn’t actually that big of a deal. However, it is causing me to have to deal with a lot of negative emotions and engrained thoughts around the idea of my not being good enough, not worth it. If I really were good enough, they wouldn’t reject me, right? That’s the main feeling today. Of course, part of me still hopes that what I discovered today was misinterpreted (by me, of course). However, allowing the large possibility of my having interpreted accurately, there is a part of me that is grateful to God for having shown it to me today. I only just spoke openly about my interest to anyone yesterday, and this happenstance felt like the world’s reply, in a way. Because many things kept going oddly, in order for me to end up exactly where I was when I was there, and for me to see exactly what I saw. 30 seconds difference, even, could have shown me something entirely different. But the Universe wanted me there at that exact moment, and so I was. Now, I must let go and let God – it will be all revealed in time, as is needed for my life to be the beautiful blessing that I am here to create with God and the Universe. Dearest cosmos, please, help me to release this pain.
And God and Universe, thank you.
Post-a-day 2021

Shogūn

Alas, the adventure has begun: I am taking on reading the novel Shogūn (technically pronounced as ‘show goon’, but usually pronounced as ‘show gun’ in English) by James Clavell. Perhaps, after I finish the 1100+ pages (or 65 audiobook tracks), I might watch the show about which I have heard much in my life (mostly from my mother).

Stories of a gaijin in Japan, here I come!

Post-a-day 2021

RKBS and R

It seems like every time we do a lot of Russian kettle bell swings in a week at the gym, I end up with a really sore lower back, and it clamps up on pain unexpectedly at times when I bend over, though not every time, of course. Am I perhaps doing them incorrectly? The coaches and owner always approve of my technique and movement. I always check the boxes mentally in what muscles are tight when and whatnot. And they always feel great when doing them. And yet I end up really sore a few days later. Perhaps it is merely that I am doing them right, and so it is easy in the moment for me to do loads of them. Only later do I discover how much work I really did… not sure yet.

At the very least, my pursuit of the Russian language is feeling much better than my body is regarding the Russian kettle bell swings. This pursuit has proven to be surprising, as well, but it is surprisingly fun and delightfully satisfying. No real pains with that bit of Russian. 😛

Post-a-day 2021

Learning fiend*

*friend, do I mean??? ;P

Well, I am apparently learning some Russian now. And it has beautifully reestablished a deer friendship of mine from high school, for which I am already grateful!

Thank you, God and Universe, for these seeming absurdities that I pursue, and for my ability to pursue them so full-heartedly and effectively.

Please, bless my mouth and brain, that I succeed with Russian beautifully and bring joy and honor to the speakers of this beautiful and slightly frightening language.

Post-a-day 2021

Sometimes

Sometimes, I feel insignificant, unnecessary, unwanted, only loved out of requirement or convenience; merely accepted.

I imagine many people in the world experience this in life, too.

I want to be a source for people always to feel loved fully, wholly, for exactly who they are and exactly who they are not. We are perfectly ourselves, and I am in love with that, in love with each of us, these beautiful blessings of God and the Universe.

Post-a-day 2021

Okay

Okay, I give up.
Take me where you want me to be.
Guide me where you need me, guide me where I need to be.
Help me to do what you need me to do,
And help me to do what I am here to do.
Make me ready to do
What I am made to do.
I give up resisting.
I am here.
I am yours.
Take me.
I love you.
Peace
Amen
And thank you
Post-a-day 2021

One call (and a thousand miles*) away

19:21, I get on the phone.

Four hours, three minutes later, I hang up.

We were friends in middle school, and our lives have overlapped ever so slightly, like tiny tangents on a Venn diagram, since we parted ways for different high schools. However, those touches have proven always powerful and impactful.

This time, I didn’t wait for coincidence to bring us to the same place at the same time. I set up a phone call, both to ask a specific question and to hang out and chat. And it was well worth it. We only hung up because I kept yawning so much, and had to be up really early the next morning. Otherwise, we likely would have kept going much longer.

Thank you, God and Universe, for this so unexpected gift. This has been a wonderful blessing to end this day. I didn’t want to be alone today. And so, now, I wasn’t. Thank you.

*Siri said it is actually about 1,639 miles away by car.

Post-a-day 2021