Yes, I hear the drum
Beating in my soul
Thumping like a heartbeat
Taking o’er control
Of my body
Of my senses
Of my mind
And of my plans
Reminding me
Of why I am here at all
That I am here for all
That I am part of all
Boom
Boom
Boom
Boom
This is who I am
Hear
Me
Roar
Post-a-day 2021
Sometimes, life feels unreasonably difficult. It is often music that helps me to reground in these times. And, somehow, this particular song, over and over, does just that, giving me both hope and a reminder that I can do this and the Universe and God are with me, supporting me on this path.
I know that it is I who have chosen to pursue this path. I am the one who chose to do things as I did, and I am the one who will continue to choose how I do things going forward. Sometimes, it feels like I picked wrong, chose wrong. Sometimes, I find myself mourning what feels like a major loss of potential or opportunity in my life. Right now, I feel that with teaching. Every time I teach, I am reminded of the life I could have led, had I continued in my pursuit of full-time high school teaching.
However, every time I teach, I am also reminded of how miserable I end up becoming at some point in the mix. There is something about it that just does not work with who I am in this life, who I am meant to be, and what I am made and meant to do.
Be who you are meant to be, and you will set the world on fire. I love that phrase. Yet, when I teach full-time in a school, I sometimes end up wanting to pull out a flame-thrower on my whole life, and just burn it to the ground. Definitely not the same idea…
So, I am 100% here in the life on this planet to teach. But I haven’t yet figured out in what capacity. I am heading in a direction that feels right, and in such an unexpected and terrifying way that only God and the Universe would have planned such a pattern. I am not there yet, though, and there are still many places for change, plus there will be a lot of work I have to put into it all, especially in the next year. A lot.
But it is something I want to do. So, even though I don’t know how I will earn enough money to function, come November, I believe this is the path for me, and so I will blaze forth. Dear God and O my Universe, please, help me to create the strength, courage, and love I need to make this beauty possible, as best as I possibly can make it happen. Guide me as I step forward into this next What’s next.
Amen.
Post-a-day 2021
It seems as though I have a bit of unfinished business regarding baritones with spectacular singing abilities. I shall contemplate this further, in order to reach clarity, but it seems as though I either need to have a relationship with one, or I need to have a major completion conversation about them…
I believe I shall say more about this tomorrow, when it is not already 2:05am, and I am not literally aching to be asleep.
Post-a-day 2021
I started writing another song last night. It was initially to help me organize and express some thoughts around the work situation within my life so far – how it isn’t exactly consistent in terms of title or finances, but it is always part of being my true self and being committed to making a positive difference in this world. But an unexpected line showed up right at the end of the session last night, and it was clearly part of the chorus. It was a line about listening to the angels around me. And it made sense, but seemed almost out of place for the content so far in the song…
Until today, that is. Today, for whatever reason, a deeper fullness arose for the song. My mom and I discussed the situation with my Opa, how he is dying, and how he might finish that process in the very near future. It is an uncomfortable thought, itself, but we both are ready to allow what needs to happen next in the situation. At least, as ready as we know how to be…
However, after she and I discussed their things for a while, and then got off the phone, I started working on the song again, as I had just begun before our phone call (I think I had, anyway). As I got reacquainted with what I’d written so far, I started feeling what ideas needed to come next. I was reminded of the encouragement my Opa had given me one day, and felt immediately that it was perfect to use for the song, as it expressed what I was wanting to express… and then the idea fleshed out a bit…, and, without realizing it, the song had a deeper meaning.
Not only am I listening to the angels around me, having them call me forward in life, but a new one has just joined them, and he has given me further encouragement to follow this path I am forging in my life. Every time I sang that part of the song, I could barely get words out by the middle of the verse, and had to stop altogether for the tears and emotion that arose. And I think the words communicate beautifully in the song, even without someone’s knowing the whole situation.
Anyway, I look forward to finishing that song, but, boy, is it going to be a tough one, emotionally speaking.
Post-a-day 2021
A year ago today, I was still on the high that arose from the musical on which my mom had been working and with which I had been helping. It is a glorious musical, and it was brand new. Its opening night never even happened, as they had to cancel everything after the dress rehearsals. It was, nonetheless, a lovely show with wonderful music and some stellar cast members and voices. One in particular actually made me cry several times – and I have a hunch that it would do it again, if I were to hear it sing those certain songs today – and two others were absurdly lovely and inspirational. The show came to mind the other day, and I pulled out my music notes for it today, and I sat on my front porch swing, playing through and singing some of the songs… just like I was doing a year ago, possibly on this exact date.
And I didn’t even plan it.
Kind of cool, huh?
And simultaneously quite sad, considering it might as well be a year ago right now regarding the show. At least then, there were prospects of eventually having an opening night, possibly later in the year. Now, it seems far too uncertain as to whether the show even will happen again, and most certainly not with the same cast, and not necessarily even in Houston. Man…
Well, with that, I go to bed. Goodnight, folks. May we all have lovely nights to follow my lovely day. 😉
Post-a-day 2021
^Not too hard
I think it is an extremely important social skill to know when people in a room do not want to listen to music and when they want the music turned down. Extremely important.
And yet so many people seem not to have this skill…. and they often seem to claim control of the music.
Ugh.
I’m just drained beyond reason – overstimulation is 100% a thing, and not being able to get away from it is extremely stressful on and exhausting for the body. That applies for the mind, too, actually. I have had too much experience with this from dance, the gym, and various other social situations. One thing I have truly enjoyed and loved about the quarantine lifestyle is that I do not have to be in or be missed from those environments. That seems to be going away again now… not so much a fan of it, though…
Man.
Post-a-day 2021
I went ahead and finished another song for today yesterday. I started it back in early October, when some big changes were happening in my life. I wondered if it was about one of those in particular. But it wasn’t. Then I wondered if it was about New Year’s Eve. But it wasn’t. And then, I wondered if it wasn’t applicable at all. But I ruled that out I easily enough.
Finally, though, I considered my birthday, and I realized that so much of what I have been doing lately in my life has been leading up to my birthday, quite similarly to this song’s thoughts on a certain “tomorrow” and on life.
So, I did it for my birthday.
It wasn’t flawless; it had many errors, my performance; I went too fast at parts; I almost totally messed up words; the ocean water was loud and invisible; the fog was intense; construction was happening in the background, sound-wise; and I forgot to record the audio for an audio track on my phone. But I did it. And I was super excited to do it. And I loved and love it.
I wrote this to go with it:
“Happy Birthday”
Welcome to tomorrow! Another year aged, another trip around the sun, and I feel, possibly, better than ever. I wish you all the loveliest of years this year: that we may all have our fears, and be filled with courage and gratitude; that we may create and embrace loads and loads and loads of love. Happy Birthday to Me, and Happy (Early) Birthday to Texas! ✨💗🎨⚡️🌏💫📿🧘🏻♀️❤🤗🙏🐪
🍙
🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑
🦖 🦖🏋🏼♀️💪
I certainly had fear in making and in sharing the recording/video of my playing and singing this song. And I did it nonetheless. And I am extremely grateful. May we all have fears and be filled with courage, especially this year and especially in new ways and places.
P.S. March 2, 1836, was Texas’ Independence Day (from Mexico), so Texas kind of has a birthday right after I have mine!
Post-a-day 2021
Today was very long. I tutored twice, which was great, but, other than that, all I did was work on the tidying. I put a few things online for sale, and gave myself a time limit for when they needed to be sold (otherwise I will be giving them away). Beyond that, it was just the tidying. I have another three or four or five bags that were added to the donation gathering on the second floor landing. And those are standard kitchen trash bags, filled with folded clothing and shoes.
The categories today were harder for me Dash I couldn’t just look at them and be clear on what spark joy and what didn’t. But, by following the initial guidelines she gave, and picking my top three within three minutes first, figuring out what sparks joy within the category suddenly became very easy. I got rid of a lot of stuff I didn’t expect I would get rid of. I also kept more than I expected to keep, especially in shoes and scarves. When I think about it, it seems that I actually do wear a lot of different shoes. I know I wear a lot of different scarves. So, those two categories makes sense that I would have kept a lot. I have already put a lot of love and effort into them, if I am using them so often.
***Note: I might be somewhat babbling right now… I am very tired mentally, and also somewhat sleepy, so my thinking is coming slowly right now… i’m not even typing this… I’m using the dictation feature on my phone, I’m so tired, and, also, my eyes are not focusing well enough.***
I’m so tired, I’m not even able to keep myself sitting fully upright, and even the idea of going to the gym at all tomorrow sounds exhausting. And I’m not even thinking about the fact that I’m very likely to go to the early workout… Yikes. Haha
Anyway, I had an idea earlier in the evening that I wanted to play my drum tonight, so I’m going to go do that. Sweet dreams, everyone.
Post-a-day 2021
^!!!
I shared tonight the song I wrote this week. I had in my head that it needed to be touched up somehow, but it turned out to be perfect for me as it was already. I just had to play it all together at once, when my un-callused fingers had rested and could handle playing again. 😛
But I really like the song. And it is in a different way from most of the others. This song is about heartbreak on a human level, and a heartbreak that we all share at some point in life: the heartbreak others don’t see in our lives, the hidden heartbreak.
My heart is aching like it’s breaking
And not only just for me.
How many hearts are the same today
For the things we just don’t see?
Thus goes the chorus. And how utterly true it is.
However, I believe that, though life can be terribly difficult and painful at times, when we operate on a foundation of love, and we make love our aim, our every breath, our life, life is beyond worth it all. I am grateful for this life and for all the love I find and am able to produce and experience within it.
Gratitude, Universe ❤
P.S. Tonight at 21:21:21,
It was the 21st second
Of the 21st minute
Of the 21st hour
Of the 21st day
Of the 21st year
Of the 21st century
Rather baller, huh? 😉
Post-a-day 2021
Okay. So, that second song seems to be created now. I likely will make tiny tweaks as I prepare to record it for real – well, more for real – but I like it as it is, and I am very happy with it. I need to go back and listen to another song I did, so I can make sure they don’t sound too similar. At least not unnecessarily similar. I’m fine that they be similar as single-instrument and voice songs – I only know about two strumming patterns after all, and both of these songs are slow songs, so variation is minimal on the instrumental front. However, I want them to be two exclusive songs. So, I need to do a touch of checking and editing on singing notes and phrases.
After that, though, I will upgrade from my casual, ‘Just get it all down,’ recording on my phone to a more official recording of how the song really goes, all the way through.
For now, I shall rest briefly and, hopefully, quite well before the early morning workout that is to come in only a few hours.
Goodnight for now, World. Hasta la dark before sunrise, baby. 😉
Post-a-day 2021
^Baller
hannah ananas 