pride and prejudice – hannah ananas

Back in the day, just now

Anyone else out there ever find yourself contemplating men like you’re back in the 1800s, preparing for marriage?

I haven’t even gone on a date with any guys, yet my brain has been evaluating the pros and cons of each as though we are considering not only a date but a brief courtship followed by marriage and likely many children.

Yes, the first is very handsome, but it really would be a true delight to have someone who so dearly values, appreciates, and wants you, as does the second. He would dote on you so, and that would be lovely.

Or would it become annoying, since you do not share his same affections?

Would he be hurt that you do not and cannot see him as he sees you? Or would he be all too honored to offer his high pay and devotion to you for the rest of your days without a doubt? Likely the latter.

But would you be willing to accept such a relationship, and give up the possibility of marrying for mutual love and devotion? Give up your freedom for such security without intense love? Perhaps love can develop over time – it is difficult to resist someone who longs for you so. But you would not know until you are much further down the line. At which point, it may be too late to turn away…, especially after all he has given you, and all you have encouraged his efforts…

But, as Miss Charlotte Lucas said, it is better for a husband and wife to know nothing of each other at all at the time of their marriage, and to spend the rest of their lives getting to know one another and falling in love at our leisure…

And then, on another hand, something more like this gentleman would be wonderful for genes to pass on to your offspring – you would make a fine pair in that sense. And you would look lovely standing together. That other gentleman ought not to be considered, when it comes to genes one wants to pass on to one’s children…

These are real thoughts that I notice passing through my mind on any given day. And I don’t even necessarily use them for any actual decisions in anything. But I can’t deny their accuracy. It would be nice to be with someone who practically fawns over me, and wants nothing more than to take care of me as best as possible. But could I ever marry for logic over love? I think not. It would have to be logic and love.

And, of course, this all seems utterly ridiculous, because, well, I haven’t even been on a single date with anyone, yet these are the thoughts going through my mind. It really is as though I am in the 1800s and a date is a very likely forward step toward marriage.

Perhaps I really do view it that way, thus my aversion(?) to dating in general. I don’t want to date someone if I am unwilling, even in the slightest way, to consider a significant partnership together in the future (e.g. marriage). Or, rather, if I just can’t see it (not that I am unwilling to consider it, but that I consider it and come up with nothing of value). So, I’m not averse to dating, but I won’t go on a date without valid reason. And ‘to have fun’ or ‘to see what I like and dislike’ are not valid reasons for me. I do those all the time, and I don’t need a date for them to happen.

Nonetheless, this all reminds me of what Mr. Darcy had to say in chapter six, once he admitted to enjoying such fine eyes on a certain woman’s face, and Miss Bingley asked him when she was to wish him joy.

“That is exactly the question which I expected you to ask. A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment. I knew you would be wishing me joy.”

I am certainly that woman, in a way…

Anyway… just my thoughts of the week. ;P

Post-a-day 2021

^I’m almost going in reverse here – I nearly missed it again!

Pride and Prejudice and Candor

I am currently rereading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, as I tend to do about once every year or so.

[If you haven’t read it and you care to, be forewarned that plot ‘spoilers’ ensue.]

Tonight, listening to the audiobook – yes, I count it as reading, though I could argue against it in a way – while I rearranged and tidied my room, mostly folding laundry (one of my biggest struggles in daily life so far, laundry is), I was struck particularly in the section of Mr. Darcy’s proclamation of love and request of Elizabeth’s hand in marriage.

The whole reason things work out in the end is because, in going against all standards of propriety, Eliza speaks openly and honestly of her opinion of Mr. Darcy.

Sure, it is an opinion formed by false and inaccurate information, but these errors could never have been remedied had she not mentioned them so vehemently in their few minutes of true candor with one another – a few minutes which were quite irregular in society at the time.

And then, I thought, a few minutes which are quite irregular in society here, now…

How might things be so drastically different, if we were open and honest with one another as they were in that brief interview?

Would more problems be caused, or would more be solved?

Perhaps, at first, more problems would arise than we would feel we could handle…, but then, with practice, I think we would learn how to live differently, communicate differently, such that an unbelievably high number of problems would be resolved by the new way of interacting with one another with true yet kind candor.

It isn’t that everyone would be running around, insulting everyone else all the time… merely that, when asked, we would speak honestly of our opinions and our thoughts on matters.

Knowing that people would be honest, perhaps some questions would not be asked…, but, knowing that honesty would be given, perhaps more questions would be asked, the asker knowing that no offense need be taken from the answer – it would not be contrived, but merely honest.

It reminds me, too, of how, in the Bis(s) zum book series (a beloved German read of mine), the one group of individuals suddenly obtain the ability (?) to hear one another’s thoughts collectively, always – they cannot avoid sharing a thought, nor avoid hearing a thought of another in the group.

One’s pain is, in a way, experienced by all, and the same with joy and anger and any other experience, as they all hear one another’s thoughts, almost as though the thoughts are their own.

They all care for one another and support one another, and the exposure of the deepest and darkest and most embarrassing of thoughts of any one member, at some point or other, must be accepted by the others, if they are to remain together in life – so long as they live, they will know the thoughts of one another, all of the thoughts.

And they, despite learning these dark and embarrassing thoughts of one another, and of unwillingly exposing their own, eventually draw even closer to one another, their bonds made even deeper by the shared thoughts…

And I find that lovely.

How might the world be different, if we learned to share like this with our loved ones in life… and to love one another knowing these thoughts of one another…?

If we dropped our pride and our prejudice, and listened to the innermost thoughts and fears and wishes and concerns of those around us, and shared our own in return, would we suddenly be able to love more deeply than we had ever imagined possible, live more profoundly than ever we dreamed?

Anyway…, some food for thought, I guess you could say.

(Though I kind of just want some actual food right now…)

Post-a-day 2020

Speedboats and slow thoughts

I might have shared about this already, but I’ll share it again, because it’s on my mind…

I was thinking tonight about this boat thing.

(Well, actually, I was thinking about Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, and how I’m looking at reading it with a friend, so we can talk about it, but that this time I might do well to make a list of reasons why it’s good that I didn’t live in Pride and Prejudice times.

You see, I usually get lost happily in the story, such that I am sad when I finish it and just return to real life… it only ever takes me a couple or few days to read, because I end up doing little else once I start reading it.

And so, at the end of it all, I am covered with a sort of depressive feeling of my life being inadequate and/or uninteresting and I likely to be anything wonderful compared to the world of which I’d just been dreaming in Jane Austen’s book.

Anyway, so I was thinking about making a list of reasons, right?

I’d thought, ‘Oh, the whole bathing part makes me glad I don’t live there… that’s for sure,’ because I like being clean, and clean didn’t seem to be so precise a thing in those days, and smelly was all too common…

‘But then,’ I thought, ‘I couldn’t have ridden on speed boats or gone water skiing…, though I could have ridden on big boats between countries… like the Titanic!… only not the Titanic, because that was terrible, and, besides, it was much later in time, anyway…’

And that was then I thought of tonight’s topic renewal!)

Sophie Kinsella has a book where the main character has amnesia… when she watches her wedding and honeymoon DVD to help jog her memory, she sees herself beside her husband, who happens to be driving a speedboat.

She is absolutely delighted by the fact that her husband can drive a speedboat(!), and brings it up in her mind somewhat regularly, partly as a reminder that it it worth staying with him, despite the fact that she doesn’t remember him or seem to have a connection with him, and partly just as an adorable and silly reminder of how amazing her life has become (since she can last remember it), because, goodness, a man must be amazing if he can drive a speedboat(!), and it is even more amazing to be married to such a man.

Totally silly, I know, but that in no way changes the fact that I love it every time I think of it.

The main character does such a good job of convincing the reader of her belief in the fact that her husband’s skill is spectacular, that I found myself even thinking how amazing it would be, even dating someone who knows how to drive a speedboat.

‘Wow!’ I would think, ‘What could that be like, knowing, let alone dating or marrying, such a person?’

And this thinking continued for rather some time – even a couple or few years, I dare say – before something absolutely absurd hit me.

Growing up, two of my grandparents lived in a private community of lakes a ways North of Houston.

It would take us about two hours, door to door.

My uncle kept a ski boat there.

And we grew up kneeboarding and water skiing.

The damn broke terribly when I was supposed to start to learn to ski, but I eventually had the opportunity, when the damn and lake were restored.

And so, for the last couple years my grandparents lived there, I was the only child living at home, and so the only one who went to visit with my dad whenever he went up (the other went, too, but nowhere near as often).

My dad, therefore, taught me just about everything needed in terms of caring for and using the boat.

The ski boat… a speedboat…

Meaning, of course, that I not only know my dad as someone who can drive a speedboat, but that…, well,… I know… myself… you see…

Yeah… not too sure how I missed that one… for years.

😂😂😂

Not so impossible after all, to find someone who can drive a speedboat. 😛

Post-a-day 2019

Trading Good for Great

One of the hardest things for me in life is giving up something good. And I don’t mean just giving it up, in any sense. I think I really mean giving up something good, when the only purpose is to make space for something better. ‘What I already have is wonderful. Why do I want to give it up, and risk having nothing in the end?’ For whatever reason, I believe that a sort of fairy tale is in progress in my life. Anything is possible, and I am determined to have an amazing life. Perhaps I have a separate sense for this kind of feeling, and perhaps I’m just filled with a sort of wishful thinking, likely inspired by film and novels. (Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite books, after all.) I don’t know. I do know, however, that every time I have let go of something that has been “good” or less, something better has just shown up for me. The newer, better something is almost effortless in having it become part of my life. The hard part is letting go of the former, not-as-good something.

For clarity, imagine, well I don’t know right now. I can’t seem to think of anything specific from my life right now. (I am rather exhausted from having stayed up late for a friend who needed a place to stay last night, and then ending up chatting together, catching up, until way into the morning hours of nighttime. It was great finally seeing this particular friend again, but it has left me wiped tonight!) Well, let’s talk generally, then, on a common matter. Just watched Sleepless in Seattle again. If she had stayed with her wonderful Walter, life would have been nice; she could have gotten on just finely with her Walter for the rest of her days. But, she had a sense of there being something more, something even better than her Walter out there for her. By letting go of her Walter, she created the space in her life for Sam. And, frankly, it seems Annie and Sam were MFEO (made for each other), just as the young children had somewhat declared. So, Annie let go of something good, and something spectacular arrived in the space created by Walter’s departure from Annie.

Does that make better sense? I think it’s still iffy on my description tonight, but we’ll let it stand for now, so I can go to sleep. 😛

Anyway, I’m terrified to let go of what I know is not the best for me, but that is currently “good” and “decent” for me in my life. Absolutely terrified. And I know that I must first let go of it, in order to create the space for something amazing to come along. Deep breath, Hannah. Deep breath. 🙂

Post-a-day 2017

Life and Movies and Longing

I’ve been a dreadful sort of sick all weekend, though I’ve been mostly un- or half-conscious through it all, so it’s been somewhat tolerable, I suppose. Finally, today I was able to watch some filmage, as I have been conscious these past seven-ish hours, and I was finally able to tolerate sound. As I searched for a movie to watch, I got to wondering about the kind of movie I was wanting to watch.

I noticed that none of the movies coming up on the scroll (Netflix Japan) were really appealing to me, although I have enjoyed several of them in the past. Why do I not want to watch them now, but I liked them at another time, and likely will want to watch them again in the near future (I have had this happen many times, you see)? What causes that change in preference to happen?

Mostly, I just wanted to watch Mona Lisa, Smile with Julia Roberts (yet again), and I knew it was because I 1)loved the fashion and lifestyle in the film, and 2)wanted to be like Julia Roberts in the film. And that’s what had it click. I realized: I’m looking for the life I want. Rather than sitting here on the sofa in aches and pains, simultaneously wishing to get well asap and to prolong the illness so that I don’t have to go to work tomorrow, I want to be somewhere else, in some other part of life, even in someone else’s life. And, since I can’t actually do that, I seek this alternative, improved life via film.

I notice, too, that I sometimes do the same with books. Now, while I do read the ones that peek over the fence to that desirable and unrealistic life I want (think Shopaholic (the book, not the terrible movie that I turned off in disgust after about five minutes)), I make sure to put in the various classics and highly acclaimed books that have to do with depth and such, as opposed to my girlish ridiculousness and fun, so as to keep a good balance.

Though, as I debated about how to word that second-to-last clause, I thought of books that I have loved over the years. From Bunnicula to Ender’s Game to Shopaholic to Pride and Prejudice, there was always something I desired and somewhat envied about each of their worlds. The friendships, the sneaking around, the detective mentality, the genius, the fashion and money, the lifestyle, the travel, the love story, the love… they were all things I would love to have in my own life, in my own world of here and now. It was never merely a girlish crush on the handsome and strong Native American so in love with the female protagonist (I admit, I truly did love reading those bits of Bis(s) zum Morgengrauen and the whole series.), but often something much greater, much deeper. I wanted, if not the whole thing, a piece of their lives to come to life within my own life’s story.

And so I think it is with the movies I most love, as well. Why else would I love my favorite films so much as I do? I can relate to them for how they are like I am, as well as for how I want to be like they are.

And, to further and complete the thought, when I am sick and alone and longing to be in almost any other part of even my own life, the movie I most want to watch will be the one that best depicts the ideal situation for my life right now.

And, for today, I think that is somewhere with a great beach and the perfect mixture of warm and cool breezes, filled with people who are fun and who love me and whom I love, and where I am already slimmed down from my winter warmth weight. So bring on some Eliza Thornberry or Just Go With It, yeah? ;P

Except actually. 🙂

Post-a-day 2017