I think, “I don’t know,” is one of the most valuable answers we can offer in life (when it is true, of course)… It can truly transform the world, openly admitting when we just don’t know something or what to do or say or think, that simple, beautiful phrase, “I don’t know.”
Post-a-day 2021
We went to the opera tonight, and the show was a first-time opera of the children’s book A Snowy Day. In it, young Peter goes out to play in the snow all on his own for once. For the production tonight, he had to take off his pajamas and dress in the outdoor winter gear, in order to go play outside for the day. Watching that scene play out, I was reminded of one of my own favorite little oddities.
You see, I love – and no, I don’t know why – putting on a winter coat etc. over my pajamas and going out. In Japan, it happened regularly, either to take out the trash or to go see Fuji-San from atop the hill next to my apartment, late at night. I think I might even have done it one night just to go sneak some rosemary from a neighbor’s massive growth all along the side of his house, and also to go to the 7/11 down the street.
There’s just something about the contrast of it all that I love. Warm, cozy pajama-wear, with no bra, closed into a warm and cozy coat and scarf (and probably hat, too), wool socks slid into my big green rain boots… and then stepping outside into the cold, cold air, usually at night, always post-shower. Those were the times… haha… and I don’t even know why. But I don’t care. They were wonderful, and I am grateful for them. I look forward to the next time I have such an opportunity (as Houston has quite few cold nights in the first place).
Post-a-day 2021
Have you ever had that feeling of, ‘I would do just about anything for you,’ for someone? And the, ‘I will love you however you need me to love you,’ one?
Yeah…
Hmm…
Post-a-day 2021
“Remind me in the morning to get the newspaper from the mailbox for the practice writing”
“Done,” replied Siri.
We are doing a Secret Santa gift exchange at work, right? $10 limit. My person loves Pocky and Anime, so I got a Costco box of Pocky for $9, and I will be writing her name in katakana and in kanji on separate calligraphy papers, along with the katakana of the company where we work together on a third page. However, I need to practice a bit before doing the official pages. I don’t live near an Asian grocer, so I couldn’t easily pick up a handful of free newspapers like everyone usually does. However, I saw in the mailbox yesterday – no, I don’t bring in the mail daily, because there is not often mail, so I am not in the habit – the neighborhood newspaper. It is smaller than a regular paper, but its texture and consistency is quite similar to that of regular newsprint, making it a fine substitute for practicing calligraphy. Therefore, in order to do the gift tomorrow, I need first to practice. And, in order to practice, I need first to acquire some newsprint. Alas, I have a reminder in my phone to go grab the newsprint accessible to me and get started, first thing in the morning (after the early workout, of course). I look forward to it greatly.
(Today has felt wonderful. Also, we found a place to live! Well, a place we want and hope to live in the near future… We have submitted an application. We shall see what happens. Fingers crossed, and God, bless us, please, with this beautiful apartment and beautiful deal. Thank you for all. Amen.)
Post-a-day 2021
Well, I think I actually accomplished a decent amount today, but I definitely don’t feel very accomplished. In fact, as I noticed earlier today, I have noticed symptoms of depression, especially today. I know that I am about to begin menstruating, and that always gives me an edge of somberness. But it feels like much more than that. I feel a sense of loneliness in my solitude throughout the day, and I struggle to do just about anything – even going down to the bathroom takes extra effort, and so I end up drinking less water – and that includes eating. While I recognize these signs, and I struggle to do anything about them on my own, I do know to reach out for support when I am like this. So, with much schedule-changing, I managed to have dinner with my dad, putting me into contact with at least one person today, and giving me a hearty and filling plate of caloric nutrition. I actually felt sick as I headed out to dinner, I hadn’t had nearly enough food throughout the day… or over the past couple days beforehand either. And my sleep has been short and poor… It gets harder for me to go to bed when I am feeling like this. One of the earliest signs of it all – wanting to call someone whenever I am alone, especially driving, and not being excited about getting to bed at night are two of the most obvious early signs of depression for me.
But I have started accomplishing things today. Tomorrow morning, I have two activities that I must attend – not the gym – and that likely will help me power forward with accomplishing things in my day. I’m hoping to get some calligraphy practice (if not the actual present) done beforehand in the morning, though I might just have tea and chill (or tea and coding practice/lesson) in the morning, since it’s already nine o’clock now, and I still have to stretch and read before bed. If I go the latter route, then I will do the calligraphy after the yoga and apartment appointments, and then go to the music concert in the evening. I hope it is chilly tomorrow. Chilly but bright days help me get going with things, because I get to dress up in cool-weather clothing, which I love. And Christmas clothing!
I even played ukulele tonight a bit. Twice. Only one song, but it’s a tough one. “What are you doing New Year’s Eve?” I really like the song, and I want to do a recording for this year on my own. However, I haven’t exactly been playing much lately, and there are a lot of silly chords (aka uncommon and not-so-eay, but not-impossible) chords throughout it. And the singing is tough, too, for one part. But it is a good challenge, and I think it might even be helpful to me right now. If I can plan to record it in the next week or so, then that will be helpful in my accomplishing things as a whole, I know.
I’ve been wanting things to be settled more before I dive back into working at the clothing shop regularly. I don’t want to commit to shifts until the last minute. That bugs me, but that’s where I am right now. I’m in a major FOMO space. I think it is because I feel so alone that, should someone invite me to do something, I want to be able to seize the opportunity. But then, when people don’t invite me, it kind of makes everything worse. It sounds like I need to go ahead and start working more again. Hey, even if I work the maximum hours allowed per week, it won’t even be 25 hours of my week. So, I need to get over it and just ask to work in the mornings on weekdays period. Ugh… She’s right, you know… Yes, I am aware… 😛
I think my fear of it was that I would grow too comfortable being the woman who works at this shop, and I would forget the woman who taught those kids… kind of like I had before… God, guide me, please… Help me to be clear exactly which path to follow right now, and help me to follow it with the confidence that you will remind me of what I need to know, exactly when I need to know it. Please, help me. Amen.
P.S. I realized earlier that 2020 was literally the longest year of my life. Truly, it was literally the longest. I am not misusing the word where “figuratively” should be used. I was in The Philippines for NYE 2019 to the first few days of 2020. That meant my 2020 began 14 hours earlier than it would have in Houston, Texas. Then, I was in Texas (Galveston, to be precise) for NYE 2020 to the first of January of 2021. How is this different from 2017, you ask, when I was in Japan for the start and Texas for the end of the year, a 15-hour difference to a regular year? Well, 2020 was also a leap year. So, my 2020 had not just 24 hours on any given year, but it had 38 hours more to it than any average year of my life. And that is pretty cool. The fact that it aligns beautifully with the bizarre events of the world’s drama just tops the whole things off. I love a good nerdy joke, and God and The Universe know it. Thank y’all for such a blessing as it was to discover that today, as well as for the year itself. 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤ OXOXO
Post-a-day 2021
Around 1:30pm today, I was worried. I hadn’t gone to the gym. I guess I had forgotten…, but how did that happen, I wondered? I thought back to when I went to bed last night, and how I got up this morning… and just a sec.. I did go to the gym this morning… What??
Yes, I had gone to the gym this morning. But so much had happened since then, I had felt like it was a totally different day already – the gym felt so, so long ago already. Bizarre, of course, but phew! I was worried there for a minute or two.
I was still restful today, but differently. I did accomplish a bit of the laundry this evening, which was a good start. Now I just need to progress tomorrow or Wednesday – going to help pack up at my grandma’s house out of town tomorrow. I managed important tutoring stuff this morning, providing help on literary analysis essays. I went to a stage production of Truman Capote’s “A Christmas Memory” with my mom at noon. It was great acting, to be sure, and we both enjoyed the little production and seeing a new stage. Though, I was exhausted and my eyes were closing a bunch throughout the show. Yes, I absolutely followed the whole thing, but my eyes definitely did not see the whole thing.
I can home and took a nap after the show, as I was so tired, and then went for my laser hair removal session. I had purchased what is called a Brazilian extension/extended area package. Aka -****Warning for real-body language coming up here**** – the labia, the anus, and the inner edges of the buttocks. However, I didn’t know about the labia part when I first got the package. By the time I tested how things felt and worked up the courage for myself, I had them start doing the labia, too. I’ve finished with all the rest of the lasering of hair, but now am making up for the lost time/sessions on the labia. It was really hard for me to say the words or loud for this, and I still am working on it, but I have improved much in my confidence, willingness, and comfort with the conversation and words, and I am grateful. The fact that I am writing this with real words at all speaks volumes to my improvement.
Anyway, I’m planning on a Secret Santa gift for a coworker. She likes Pocky and Anime, among other things. We have a $10 limit. So, I got her a Costco package of Pocky for $9, and am writing out three sheets of calligraphy for her in Japanese. One will be the name of our company in Japanese, one will be her name correctly written in Japanese, both of those using the foreign words alphabet, and one will be kanji of her name in Japanese (the Chinese characters that have the same pronunciation as her name in Japanese, and give a new meaning to her name with each character’s individual meaning). My mom and I both think she’ll enjoy it all, especially since she’s a huge anime fan. Usually, that spans a broad spectrum of just about anything tied to Japan and Japanese language. I hope she really enjoys them all. I know I would love such a gift! … Speaking of which, I wish I had people who thought out and planned it things like this for me more in my life. I love planning and plotting and, finally, giving gifts to people. But I sometimes end up just a little bit sad afterward, because almost no one ever does anything similar for me. Just my mom, really.
Anyway, in that somewhat sad note, I shall sign off for the night. I think I need to allow myself to experience this sadness, in order to allow it to be heard, at last, and to set it free. So, I shall sleep from here and feel the sad if no special presents for right now.
P.S. My mom and I celebrated Hl. Nikolaus day today together. We both brought each other things that had been ‘left’ with shoes in our own houses for each other. It was absolutely silly, but quite wonderful. I always loved December sixth as a child, and I’m glad I get to love it again. Last year, he brought me all the fixings for and a sewing machine itself. This year, he brought me spices, sweets, heart-shaped agates and stones, and some of the greatest leggings ever. I am quite grateful!
Post-a-day 2021
Tonight, I unexpectedly participated in a trapeze class. It was my first time in a class, and I had only had one time to play around (with guidance) on the trapeze a month or two ago to give me any kind of foundation. And it was not a beginner class.
However, I persevered and powered through, and I actually managed to do over half of the routine and its required skills. And it was way fun and satisfying to be part of it all and do the trapeze work.
Also, when I happened to look on the mirror early on, just after I’d done my first inversion and had to take off my shirt, I discovered that I am ripped. My upper body is spectacularly shapely and fit. Just wow… so, that was a cool surprise to discover.
Anyway, it was an awesome challenge tonight, and I am extremely grateful for the opportunity and the success within it.
There is a performance for the high level folks (mostly teachers) coming up, and so they were coming in for a rehearsal at the end of our class tonight. I told one of the guys – an extremely graceful and beautiful dancer and trapeze artist (only things I’ve seen from him so far, anyway) – that I had just done my first trapeze class. He was excited for me, and told me to show him what all I had learned. I told him that I couldn’t do all of it, but would give it what I could. He enthusiastically watched and encouraged me, and others joined in as I walked through everything from class that I could and could kind of do. His care and concern, and the support of all of them together, really made a powerful impact upon me. It was really cool that he and they had showed such interest in my beginner endeavours.
Alas, here are those endeavours!
Post-a-day 2021
Today, I wore my brand new leather corset. I told a friend about it and how I looked fabulous, and how I hoped that brightened his day a little bit. He replied that, if there are no photos of it, it didn’t actually happen. So, I had my girlfriend take a few photos of me in it, and, not only did I share a photo with the original friend who requested the photos, but I shared them online. And that is really exciting for me, because they are fabulous: even though I am laughing and being silly in the photos themselves, that corset looks amazing on me in them.
Proud of myself for being bold and being proud of who and how I am physically, and for sanding up for that sexy woman I truly am and work to be every day.
Post-a-day 2021
踏み出す, fumidasu, stepping forward into that is next – that is my kakizome for this year, my intention expressed through calligraphy and hung in the wall where I see it almost every single day, multiple times a day, both consciously and unconsciously.
Today, I really did that – I stepped into who and how I want to be. In a situation that made me very nervous, I went ahead and spoke up, asked for what I thought I wanted, messed up a bit, figured it out, asked for what I really wanted – an extremely unreasonable request for the rest of my life -, and then I got it.
And It Was Spectacular. It was just what I needed, on all accounts. I am extremely grateful to God and the Universe for supporting me through all of this and for helping me speak up, now, and ask for what I want and need, especially when I am most uncomfortable to do so. Thank you, God and Universe. I love you all.
Post-a-day 2021
“It lifts and separates. Plus, it’s not like I’m actually paying for it.”
Well, I have taken two half steps regarding my by Christmas goals and intentions and its addendum. While not undergarments per se, I procured today, somewhat unexpectedly but with much delight and enthusiasm, a leather corset. Yes, corsets are kind of instead of a bra, but this one is of the style to be worn on the outside of one’s clothing or, simply, as one’s clothing. Think steam punk kind of corset. Heart shaped neckline, green alligator print center panel, and dark green, smooth leather for the rest of it, with tarnished silver clasps in two columns in the front and laces in the center back.
And oh, my gosh, does it look amazing. On me, I mean.
We were at RenFest, and I had just wanted to try the styles on to see how I liked the idea of, one day, getting a leather corset for myself. I always saw this blue and black one on the front gate of this particular shop, and kind of longed for it or something like it in my life.
So, after much hesitation and working through if mental struggled, I asked if we needed to have on a shirt to try on the corsets – all other women had been in blouses, so far as I had seen, and my piece-of-leather top would not work with a corset. When the answer was an emphatic negatory, I asked if I could go ahead and try one on, then, and if someone would dress me in it. The man who had originally stared conversation with me about the shop and its/his family told me that I absolutely could and that he could help dress me. So, he did. And he did a wonderful job.
I loved the straight-across one I tried first. Actually, it was second, because the first straight one was actually too large. He was clear about that quite quickly, when the laces went all the way in, almost immediately. But, once I got the next size down, I found that I liked the straight one on me.
I spoke up, however, and requested to try on the other shape just to see it on me, too, even though they’d said it tended to be more of a style worn by bustier women, a group of which I am certainly not part. They thought there were none around in my size, but the one guy came walking up with two in his hands – they had been on front display, and so hadn’t been tested at all or purchased. A blue and a green one. The blue was very much the blue of a friend of mine, and not my liken of blue. The green was an earthy, olive-y green. I selected the green to try, though after hearing my mom’s opinion and hat of the shopkeeper’s. When he had finished lacing me into it, and I turned to look myself over in the mirror, I was somewhat shocked. Not only did it look nice on me, it looked gooood. Kind of to the point that a small part of me wondered who else – beside myself – had a sudden urge to grab me and rip my clothes off of me in a fit of instant and utter desire and lust. It looked that good. I looked that good.
I knew I wanted it. I knew I wanted to be the person who would wear it confidently and proudly, yet humbly and gratefully. As it would be a significant investment, however, I took my time considering whether to purchase this one, here and now, or to wait for another time, even possibly to have one custom-made instead. To consider whether this green would be as much of a delight as my earlier-desired brown.
While I considered, several women, eyes bulging when they registered me, commented supporting comments to me or near me about the corset on me. The shopkeeper kindly informed me that 1) several women had said I needed to get the corset, and that 2) I looked spectacular in it. He was being genuine, and it meant a lot that had had given his personal opinion, as I knew he was not just trying to be flirtatious or just sell something.
Seeing as how it was actually quite cold out, I eventually removed the corset, and dressed back in my leather too and skirt and faux-fur cloak to finish considering with a not-shaking body and a warm conscience. Once dressed again, I could think more clearly. I wanted first to see the dark green leather in the sunlight. I wanted to confirm that it stood out as clearly not-black in sunlight. I’m not a black person. Earthy tones and natural tones galore, sure, but not black.
The second thing was the tougher thing. I told my mom, ‘I have a small part in me that worries I will be slutty, a slut, and whore in this,’ and, ‘I think I just need to be told that it is okay and safe for me – for me – to wear this.’ Due to my history with certain men, there is still a part of me that is scared with things like this. While I am always gentle with her, I always acknowledge what she has to say before firmly telling her what’s truly so. When my mom said what I felt I needed to hear – though I already knew it to be true – that scared girl within me calmed down, and I finally was able to choose freely for myself.
Naturally, I chose the corset.
And, boy, am I glad I did. I can hardly wait to wear it.
Post-a-day 2021
hannah ananas 