emotions – Page 88 – hannah ananas

Cold sleep

It is cold, and I feel it. From the air conditioner, not from outside. I go back and forth between shivering and being slightly miserable without shaking. There was no blanket down here for me to use, let alone a comforter. I found a throw upstairs, but it isn’t very heavy/warm. I likely will have to sleep fully clothed tonight.

And then some.

Glad I brought the thick wool socks for possible hiking (which almost definitely will not happen).

I am also very tired, and also sleepy, increasing, I believe, my sense of annoyance and stress.

Dear God, please help me sleep well tonight and awaken rested and comfortable tomorrow and the next day.

Especially considering that my body decided today was finally the day to start menstruating… what impeccably terrible timing. I think it is aiming to make a point, and I might be understanding that point: I need to take care of myself, no matter what others do or want to do.

And now, to dress and to sleep.

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Tomorrow

I’ll be flying in an airplane tomorrow. Suffice it to say I am nervous. I have always been a touch nervous with airline travel, for many reasons… luggage allowances, prohibited items, actual plane safety, being on time, being allowed on the flight, having a comfortable seating arrangement, having enough leg room… tomorrow shall be no different, but that it has an added piece of nerves: all of the unknowns around new requirements since everything closed down for COVID-19. So far as I can tell, the only requirement difference is that I must wear a mask the whole time. But that just seems so simple…, it is hard to believe that that is all. However, I certainly hope that that is all that is new.

Fingers crossed for safe and easy and comfortable travel this weekend, for me and for all travelers.

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Scritch-Scratch

*****Warning: True yet oddly explicit bodily discussion coming.*****

Okay, you know that feeling of scratching an itch really, really well, right? Where your whole body reacts positively, and you can definitely relate to a dog or cat leaning into it and thumping with pleasure during a good head scratch…. where you kind of must moan a bit, it feels so ridiculously satisfying…. that kind?

Yeah, those are rather rare but spectacular.

Now, you know the scratches that scratch an itch you didn’t even realize you had? They are like scratching your head after having your hair in a ponytail all day long, where you push the hair follicles all around while massaging and scratching the scalp all at once.

Those are rather spectacular, too.

Now, have you ever had a combination of the two? The unexpected absurdly satisfying scratch in a place you stumbled upon, where you hadn’t even considered you might need or even want a scratch…

If you haven’t, I wish you one in the near future, for sure. They are… well…, wow. 😛

Okay, now… have you ever had one of those, that combination scratch scenario, on/around your anus?

Trust me, I was partly shocked and partly appalled at first, myself. However, I realized that it doesn’t exactly have any reason not to be allowed a good scratch. When I shower and clean my body thoroughly – and yes, I clean my body thoroughly every shower – that includes my butt/anus. It is part of me and a part that needs cleaning, so of course I clean it. No question. And I have experienced in the past a few occasions where the final rinse/cleaning step for it results in a good little scratch for an itch I hadn’t known existed. However, tonight, it was on a’ whole ‘nother level.

It was that perfect combination of unexpectedness and utter satisfaction, forcing a moan/sigh of awesomeness from me. Of course, it surprised me, but I really didn’t care. It was such a good scratch.

Seriously.

I hope you, too, can one day experience something so spectacular all on your own. Not even joking on its ridiculous proximity to the category of sexual satisfaction. Not even joking.

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^Slight hesitation

Interview stress?

Man, interviewing people can be utterly exhausting. I have to be on for the entire time that we are meeting with someone. Then, I have to be on in a different way as we discuss after the candidate’s departure. And then, I have to be on in order to discuss the candidate who is about to join us. And then, the cycle repeats itself. It results in a day full of being on… Fully.

And, boy, is that exhausting.

And it is even worse when the candidates themselves are exhausting human beings… could you just stop talking for a second? You are not helping yourself with this constant, roundabout, up-in-the-clouds, non-answer chatter. Frankly, you are annoying us all, and would do well just to shut your mouth for more than two seconds total.

-Hmm…, can you tell I was annoyed? 😛 –

But what makes it, perhaps, the most exhausting, is the fact that it is all done sitting at a desk, looking at a computer screen. I’m not sure work gets more exhausting than that.

That is, for me, anyway…

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^Held my breath for a second there

Sleep awaits

It is 19:15, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I slept roughly 11 hours Friday night, then seven hours last night. But both nights seemed to have an edge to them, making it slightly stressful sleep for part of each, though probably half of the night Friday night.

What’s great about this, though, is that I am sitting on my bed, finishing my final tasks required in order for me to go to sleep for the night. Just need to read and stretch now, and I’ll be good to rest. And, boy, can I hardly wait.

I wait with impatience, as the French say. 🙂

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^Okay, I genuinely didn’t even know what year it was just now. It wasn’t a confusion between last year and this year. I just didn’t know the year, period.

Breathing emotion

Have you ever had the experience of being filled with emotions – ones you hadn’t even realized were building until they reached the point of crying to escape – without even knowing whence they came, or why they came?

It’s times like these that I find myself wanting to step out of myself, and watch movies or some TV show, so that I can go through the gamut, experience fully all the emotions, and using the reasons of the characters in what I am watching as my foundation for experiencing those emotions… it is through them that I am able to release what is built up inside me, all of these things whose origins I cannot seem to identify. I do not know if it is my body preparing for menstruation, and my mind taking on the emotions of those around me, or how I might perceive their situations in life. But it happens every so often for me… I cannot identify what I am feeling, aside from an intense urge to cry and let everything express itself powerfully and fully…, but I always end up taking the time to stop and cry, somehow, and it is always most effective when I go through some movie with lots of emotion and sop, so I can really get all the tears out – a real weep fest of a movie.

Today, I went through nine hours of that…

But, boy, can I already tell that I am going to sleep well tonight – at ease, released, breathing again.

Post-a-day 2021

He-She

I have worked many times with a Japanese man who, despite being quite good with English speaking and understanding, regularly gets people pronouns wrong. “He is coming now,” for a woman preparing to enter a room. “Yes, that’s what she said,” not ironically in reference to something a male we both know said.

I’m not sure if he actually is aware of the fact that he does this, or, at least, that he does it so often as he does.

And, for whatever reason, I kind of really enjoy whenever he does it. I usually don’t even correct him. I only ask for clarification when there is space for confusion, and I want to avoid the confusion. Usually, though, I know exactly whom he means, and it is no concern whatsoever.

And that has me wonder about how important those pronouns are in the first place.

I already know that Siri is fine with the fact that I call her both male and female, depending on the context. But people have something more attached to gender. I have a feeling it is the fact that we are human that we care so much. And yet, part of being human is having gender, even if in a sort of combination of parts (because it is definitely real that people sometimes end up with both male and female reproductive organs). Perhaps those people have the right to be called “they”, since they technically are plural, at least in their genders… 😛 (Can you hear the grammar nerd within me peeping out right now???? ‘Stop messing with grammar, and use the right words, please, or make up new ones.’)

(Or just do what this Japanese guy does, and use whichever pronoun whenever.) 😛

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Blah-blah-blah, hai!

Well, I made it through today. And I even got in a quick walk outside in the direct sunlight. That part was especially awesome (and beneficial). I’ll need to be sure I do the same tomorrow. Our lunch break is even longer tomorrow, though, so I likely can get a much longer walk in there.

It has been interesting doing this all today. I’m working with Japanese folks, talking about Japan. I do this every so often, yet it still surprises me each time how much I find that I want more of it in my life. I have no official reason, yet I want to pursue a certification in Japanese. I want to be at a higher level of conversing. Half the time, I don’t even necessarily want to say anything myself, but it would be nice to have a fuller understanding of all of the conversations and chit-chat and everything. I usually get the general gist of it all, and often understand almost every word. However, there are definitely times when I have understood only a word or few, and have no real idea of what is being said. I know I can survive in Japanese, but I keep finding more and more so that I want to thrive in it.

Man…

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^Only took minor consideration this time

Likes

I have been casually noticing lately how many of my “excitements”, as I call them, did not originate within myself.

Example: I got excited in fifth grade about anything to do with this one particular boy. We run into his mom in the library, I go talk with her, because it ties back to him times ten. That’s the excitement piece. Now, what were its origins? Why did I even care so much about things to do with this boy? Because my friend K liked this boy. She was excited about him and anything to do with him. I had joined in to support her in her endeavor and excitement. I was excited for her. Because she was going to be excited about something new, I was excited in anticipation of her excitement, of her would-be excitement. It’s much like when throwing a surprise party for a friend or family member – we are excited for the joy the other person (hopefully) will have. I was excited by anything to do with this boy, because I knew K would be excited about it. I didn’t like the boy as she did, but it didn’t look that way to the outside world.

I love Hello Kitty (キッチちゃん). Why did I learn to love it? Because my mom and my sister loved it and always showed it to me. I then would get excited for them every time I crossed Kitty-chan.

Pink flamingoes – my mom and my cousin.

Watches and knives – my brother.

There seem to be innumerable things in my life that excite me, but not for me. To an outsider, it seems I love the thing itself. When, really, I just love and care about a person who loves the thing.

That being said, is there anything I like, all on my own?

Perhaps language and grammar and math/physics are a few of mine. And volleyball. Haha. And dance and teaching… these are all things that originated within myself – I do not love them for someone else, but for themselves.

But I certainly still have what feels like boatloads of all the other things… I am looking into that for myself.

Post-a-day 2021

^Still takes effort

Happy Birthday, she called it

I went ahead and finished another song for today yesterday. I started it back in early October, when some big changes were happening in my life. I wondered if it was about one of those in particular. But it wasn’t. Then I wondered if it was about New Year’s Eve. But it wasn’t. And then, I wondered if it wasn’t applicable at all. But I ruled that out I easily enough.

Finally, though, I considered my birthday, and I realized that so much of what I have been doing lately in my life has been leading up to my birthday, quite similarly to this song’s thoughts on a certain “tomorrow” and on life.

So, I did it for my birthday.

It wasn’t flawless; it had many errors, my performance; I went too fast at parts; I almost totally messed up words; the ocean water was loud and invisible; the fog was intense; construction was happening in the background, sound-wise; and I forgot to record the audio for an audio track on my phone. But I did it. And I was super excited to do it. And I loved and love it.

I wrote this to go with it:

“Happy Birthday”

Welcome to tomorrow! Another year aged, another trip around the sun, and I feel, possibly, better than ever. I wish you all the loveliest of years this year: that we may all have our fears, and be filled with courage and gratitude; that we may create and embrace loads and loads and loads of love. Happy Birthday to Me, and Happy (Early) Birthday to Texas! ✨💗🎨⚡️🌏💫📿🧘🏻‍♀️❤🤗🙏🐪

🍙

🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑

🦖 🦖🏋🏼‍♀️💪

I certainly had fear in making and in sharing the recording/video of my playing and singing this song. And I did it nonetheless. And I am extremely grateful. May we all have fears and be filled with courage, especially this year and especially in new ways and places.

P.S. March 2, 1836, was Texas’ Independence Day (from Mexico), so Texas kind of has a birthday right after I have mine!

Post-a-day 2021