Tag: goals

Baby steps, again

I feel frustrated, so I’ll just share my list of goals to accomplish for tomorrow before 2:00-ish PM.

For tomorrow, anyhow, my goal is to hang up as much hanging clothing as is now possible in the closet space I cleared out the other week; then finish filling my dresser with clothes; fill out and send the online requests for recommendations for my grad school app; and then, hopefully, start clearing off space on the table desk, so I can start using it soon.

I have to write two-ish essays for my application.

Post-a-day 2018

Without a purpose

Have you ever lived without a purpose?  I’m doing it right now.  I almost feel even more like a crazy person than I ever have.  I find myself wondering the point of everything I’ve done in my life, seeing it all as useless, as though I am somehow at the end of my productive and useful phase in life…, as though there is nothing good left to come.

I don’t actually believe this, but it is my experience right now.  It is the result of having no purpose, I think. And yet, I am almost terrified of finding what I could call a low-level purpose, for fear of being stuck in it.  I worked at Starbucks for a while a few years back.  I was quite good at it, and I occasionally miss parts of it (like interacting with all the nice people, and making people’s days and such).  However, I want to do so much more, that a job like that makes me sad for all the unused potential within myself.  And yet, every day feels a little bit worse on the confidence front (not for confidence in myself, but for confidence in my future).  These goals and desires I have for my future seem so unlikely to align, I am beginning to feel desperate and hopeless.  Why bother?

I suppose it might be time to talk to Jude a bit, and to try out something new.

Post-a-day 2017

Mr. Right

I’ve been thinking tonight about my Prince Charming, my personal one, my desired future.  It all started with thinking about musical theater as I showered.  As most shower stream-thoughts go, I ended up on a very loosely connected tangent.  Do you know the song by Chris August called “Stranger”?  It’s a beautiful song, and I fell in love with it several years ago.  A lot happened related to that song, but let’s not go there now.  While some specific lyrics rolled through my head over and over again, as song lyrics so often do, something struck me.

I dreamed you.  
Now, I’ve found you.  
Call off the search, 
’cause I found my stranger.

Those were the specifically inspiring words tonight.  Though I have listened to the song more times than I know, and I know every word still, despite having stopped listening to it years ago (for reasons I won’t mention just yet), I have never had the thought that followed those words as they repeated in my head tonight.

“I have never dreamt you.”

Though I have wished and wished, and even hoped and prayed and asked for my partner in life, I have never dreamed him up.  I have begun ideas before, but I have never come up with what my partner in life actually is.  You could ask me now, and I would have no idea what to tell you about the partner I want.  Sure, there are plenty of things I know that I don’t want, but everything else seems to change with how I feel each day, each time someone asks me about it.

Now, I don’t exactly see this as a bad thing.  I just happened to realize that I have never dreamed him up.  So, I can never have Chris August’s song become a reality for me – I can’t find my stranger.  I don’t even have a vision in my head of what it looks like being with someone.  Every time I have dreams where there seems to be a sort of partnership, I always seem to be the one taking care of someone else – the traditionally male role.  Or, perhaps it is the mother role I play.  I already seem to do that all over the place in life.  It’s the reason I have always wondered if I can ever find someone to take care of me.  But I digress…

I realized in the shower that I have no image of a person.  I don’t know if I’m looking for someone tall, dark, and handsome.  I don’t know if he is foreign or domestic made.  I don’t even know what kind of skin he has.  Again, I don’t necessarily see this as bad.  I am just noticing it.  I also notice how so many others seem to have dreamed up their partners years before they even have begun dating others.  I mean, they seem to know what they want.  By having that idea of what they want, they are able to seek it out.  Sometimes, when they find it, they realize they didn’t want it after all.  And sometimes they find something better along the way.  But they have something to pursue.  I don’t even have an idea to seek out, a type of someone or something to pursue.  Perhaps that is an issue with being so open to the world and to new ideas, and for knowing that what I see or think isn’t always the best that the universe has to offer.

Post-a-day 2017

Why you gotta be so…?

Why are we ever mean to others?  Really, truly… why?  

Can we go Taylor Swift on the situation, and have the cycle end right now?

I see potential in this, but are we brave enough?  Is bravery even what it is that we need?  Perhaps love is all we need.  And not even in the cheesy way, but truly.  Beatles it all the way, because all we need is love.

Post-a-day 2017

God, bless me, please

I don’t know what it is, but something has me unconcerned on the whole.  I don’t quite have a place to live after this month.  I don’t quite have a well-enough-paying job as of this week.  I don’t have any health or dental insurance once I move back to Texas next month.  And yet, here I am, trying to get myself worked up, because I am not already concerned about these things. 

Why am I unconcerned?  I don’t know.  There is something in the air though, that tells me that everything is okay, everything will be perfect once I’m back home.  So, I am trusting.  I am keeping an open mind, and I am listening when things come up.

Let us see where this takes me next month…  🙂
Post-a-day 2017

Poetry, I suppose

An aimless wandering does my life seem to be at present,
with no alteration in sight.
More of the same, and more of the same…
Everything is the same.

Except that I feel different from the rest,
and as though I am not meant to stay here
with this flowing, owing, wandering world.

I move differently, indeed,
but it is not enough – I know it is not.
I am still here, aimlessly wandering,
waiting…
for something, for someone, for me?
I can feel that it is almost time to go,
and I haven’t the slightest idea where that means.
But go I shall.
That I know.
And then I’ll know.

 

Post-a-day 2017

 

Declare your wish with gratitude

I think it is incredibly valuable to declare what we want to have be part of our own lives.  In doing so, I feel that we truly do allow space and guidance for those things to manifest themselves.  I wrote on Facebook that I wanted a baritone to serenade me, and a distant friend sent me a sort of birthday present singing video.  He’s a baritone.  I declared over and over again one day that I really wanted a certain card, and found one forever left behind in the bathroom the afternoon I was leaving.

Of course, these aren’t very good examples so far as I see it all.  However, they are decent ones, and they are all that currently comes to mind as specific recent events.  Declare it to the world, and it will come to you, in some way or another.  So, when you do declare it, be prepared.  🙂
Post-a-day 2017

Ouch

I decided Friday that I wanted to do another running challenge with my birthday as the deadline/goal line.  I had just run a bit over two miles, and I could feel the pain (though it was slight, I am not accustomed to two miles being any sort of painful).  And so I decided 66 miles total by my birthday, the end of February (most years, anyway).

With the consideration of upping it to 100 miles, I got myself out on another run today – I realized that running two miles every day would get me close to 100 anyway, and so, the more I run, the longer the distances get, and the less often I have to run (meaning not daily).  It ended on top of the riverbank hill, watching the sun set behind the clouds blocking Mt Fuji (Bummer, I know, but it was still beautiful.).  And that was great, except that, once I attempted to walk back home, I could barely use my legs.

As I had been running, it had felt like the second day of cross country practice all over again – a painful, when will this ever end beginning to my dislike of what was once one of my favorite pastimes.  Standing in my hot shower after the run, my right knee was swollen, and my legs felt worse than they have in years, as though preparing to give out beneath me, and crying silently all the while.

So, now I’m unsure as to what will happen with my running challenge, as I also have a swollen spot on the right side of my lower back (first time for that one), which also hurts… hmm.

The whole idea was a sort of way for me to release pent-up energy regularly, and to get myself fit like I want again.  Kind of like a Happy Birthday to me thing.  Let’s hope I wake up revived and well in the morning, shall we?  Yes, let’s. 🙂
Post-a-day 2017