Tag: love

Greatness

My grandmother lives in an old folks home. I recently visited her. After the second day, I realized that there’s an old lady there who goes around giving ice cold cans of Dr. Pepper to various people throughout the day. Always smiling. It’s incredibly adorable.

And it seems to be the same people each day, making it even more adorable, somehow. How ridiculously sweet and utterly silly?! I love it and it brings me such wonderful joy.

Dear God, thank you for the blessing of getting to witness that Dr. Pepper lady spreading joy so beautifully. Thank you. And thank you for the fun of Dr. Pepper itself, too. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Old crap

(Forgive the language, please a it just seemed quite appropriately used here.)

There’s a lot of junk that comes with getting old. I don’t merely mean old-er. I mean old. There are lots of little hassles and troubles involved with getting older, with aging as a whole. But getting old has a uniquely stressful aspect: As the body and mind age, they often tend to revert towards babyhood, and adults are not prepared to take care of a 90-year-old toddler who not only can make others believe he is competent and allowed to be out alone, but can get out alone the moment a back is turned or a corner is rounded.

At some point, when ZK was still on my childhood, I was talking with my dad about the idea of grown kids wiping their parents’ butts as the parents grew too old to do it themselves. I asked him if he expected us to wipe his butt one day. He, quite seriously, said he absolutely did not expect it. I was surprised. He said he expected us to hire someone else to do it. I was even more shocked. You wouldn’t want your own family to care for you? And his answer was a firm, confident, and clear, ‘No.’

I didn’t understand it back then, not really. He had said something about hatred or resentment, but it didn’t make sense to me. After seeing the struggle with someone in my own family lately, and now having to deal with it firsthand myself, I understand what my dad had meant. He didn’t want us to resent him int he final years of his life. He wanted us to be able to love him and be happy with him in those years. Yes, it is very loving to care physically for someone, but it isn’t always happy or easy doing that. There can be a massive buildup of very negative memories in that relationship right at the very end of the old person’s life, leaving the younger person grateful of the death and, necessarily, then feeling horrible for being relieved and glad for it.

It is hard dealing with an old, sick person. Getting almost no sleep in order to help with constant bathroom wake-ups throughout the night, cleaning up bodily filth that ended up all over clothes and the floor and almost none in the toilet, forcing down medicines or vitamins or healthy foods or water just to help heal an illness or relieve the pains, changing a diaper on a fully grown person who resists it, despite having just walked around half-naked in public and not knowing it… that and so much more is very hard to handle. What’s harder is handling it all and not, in some way, resenting the person for whom one is doing it all. It’s so hard not to take it personally, especially when that person yells at you for who knows what…

So, I get it. I wouldn’t want my kids to have their final memories of and with me be ones of near-constant frustration and anger and heartbreak. Having and unrelated person come in to take care of the old person goes much further than one might think, for all members of the family. I never would have thought that before doing it myself, seeing it happen myself, twice now. And I am all the more grateful for the people in this world who do choose to take up that role in society. Those caretakers make more than a little difference. They don’t just do the grunt work or the dirty work of the situation. They can truly heal the situation. They completely transform what likely would have happened without them, and all the relationships involved for the better.

Thank you, all you who take care of the old people for their families. You help more than you could know.

Thank you, God, for these people.

Post-a-day 2023

Pulled

God is calling me, encouraging me to take a stand, yet something, too – the devil, perhaps? – is pulling me to feel guilty at this desire to stand for myself, to stand my ground, to stick with what feels right, though it may seem selfish at a glance.

I cannot explain it any other way right now, but it feels like God is calling me to be here right now.

Ironically, I was just sharing Sunday how I’ve determined that I need to trust wholly whatever call I feel from God right now, as that will lead me to where I need to be. And now, mere days later, I am having to do just that in a very difficult way, and I almost didn’t stand up for it.

Post-a-day 2023

Not good enough yet

I will be good enough after more learning and experience, but I’m not good enough for the dream jobs yet.

And that’s okay. It makes perfect sense, given that I’m only just learning even how to do the basics for this new career direction I want to pursue. I feel no shame for it. A touch of sadness, perhaps, due to the need to have some patience as I learn and improve, but no wrongness about it, no, ‘I suck,’ about it all.

But for how many other parts of my life do I not allow myself to experience this same scenario in such a way? How many other places do I expect to be better than I am, further along than I am, even though I haven’t yet had the learning and experience within that ‘role’ in order to be a master of it, to be exactly who and how I want to be in that realm? How much strain and stress and shame am I giving myself, when I have no true reason to expect myself to be any better than I am at certain things in this very moment? Relationships with others, with self? Working out solo instead of in group classes? Cooking for two? CLEANING for two? And a dog? Laundry for two? (To be clear, I still suck quite badly at the full laundry process for myself, and have been working slowly on that in recent years. Yet I expect myself to be able to ah for it flawlessly for two people suddenly??) Supporting a house? Paying for life in a house? Supporting a family financially? Managing prayer life for a family? Figuring out things not on my own? Keeping a sleep schedule that is drastically different from someone else in the same house?

I was not a great teacher when I first started teaching. Yes, I was good, especially for a new teacher. I had great instincts and great ideas. I had very good relationships and rapport with students. But I wasn’t a great teacher. It took me a long time to turn a lesson idea into an actually good lesson, let alone great lesson. My overall subject-area effectiveness was somewhere just above the middle, possibly a bit higher. Sure, I encouraged and empowered students to pursue their lives fully. But they didn’t necessarily learn their subject all that well. Now, however, things that took forever or never happened come easily for me. It takes little effort to turn a crap lesson – IN THE MOMENT – into a great and effective And fun lesson (for not just be students, but also for me). I put just as much effort into teaching, but the results are monumentally greater, and in all ways. I love teaching, and I have become a great teacher. But I wasn’t always a great teacher. Just because I was good and I was good enough to become great didn’t make me great then. It only made me great now, down the road of experience and effort and desire – not merely the desire to be great.

That being said, perhaps I could chill a bit on being so harsh on myself and my life for not being better already. Sure, I may be great at much. But that doesn’t mean I have to be amazing at things I have almost no experience or practice actually doing. It’s okay to suck at those things. That’s the point of a neophyte. And I am the one (in my shoes). (And yes, I’m a total nerd and a bit of an idiot, too. Please, enjoy the terrible pun. 😛 )

Post-a-day 2023

Making the difference

Heading to my car with my purchases after a quick Costco shopping trip, I notice an older man sitting in the passenger seat of a car, one leg out, like he is waiting. I notice a bit better, and realize the car’s hood is raised. A bit more, and I process that a crutch is holding up the hood. Indeed, as the man goes to the hood to check something and returns to the passenger seat, he is limping. The crutch belongs to him out of need, yet he is having to use it to hold up the car’s hood, for some reason.

I have cold items that will spoil to the point of danger if I take too long, I consider. So, I unload my basket into the car, start the car remotely, as I know it blasts the A/C that way, and go return the shopping car to the stall. When I come back toward my car, I check around the barrier to see the man’s updated situation. He is sitting again, looking tired.

I don’t know much about cars, but can I help somehow? If nothing else, I can drive him somewhere to wait until he can get help tomorrow or something… or something. Just offer.

I brace myself, and then head towards the older man. As I approach him, I see he isn’t only older, but old. I greet him with a bit of nerves, then say to him, “I don’t really know much about cars, but can I help somehow?” He gives a sideways smile and a sort of kind chuckle, causing me to smile, too. As he speaks, I discover that he is actually a very old man.

He first mentions about making it not so hot. As I’m about to offer helping him inside, so he can wait where it is quite cool, he mentions about overheating and that his daughter is actually picking something up right now. I ask to confirm that she should be back very soon. As I ask, though, a man approaches, maybe late 30s, early 40s. He then offers help to the old man.

The man gets up to go show us the situation. I hold up the hood all the way, and I search for the tool designed to do this. Naturally, it is missing entirely. I can’t even seem to figure out where it might have been at some point in the past. The one thing I know decently well about cars, and it is of no use today. Nonetheless, I hold the hood while the old man points and explains and the younger man starts to look at things and talk in response.

Then the daughter arrives with some liquid and a funnel, and I step aside to allow her a place to approach. The old man then holds the hood up, and the young man does the work while the lady helps. Frankly, it is quite awkward just standing there to the side, watching the three of them do stuff under the hood of the car. But I determine that I can stick it out until they finish this, then excuse myself. No need to be weird and just disappear without notice. That idea just felt too unkind and self-serving – it thought so little of others and so much of one’s own discomfort. Even if it were awkward for them, there was still a chance I could be of help, so I would wait. Plus, it wasn’t in me to leave without declaring my departure and saying goodbye, and I wasn’t going to do that while they were so actively and intensely working under the hood together. Plus, it seemed they wouldn’t be very long, anyhow.

So, I waited calmly.

When they finished, the old man started the car. I leaned into it to check the engine heat level. It was in the middle. It had only just started, so it would have been on the cooler side, but its being in the middle was not surprising, considering it had just been overheating. As they closed up shop, I reminded the old man of certain parts he had removed from the engine (like the cover), and he opted to stick it in the trunk (himself) for the time being, as he and his daughter, who, by the way, was very likely in her fifties, got into the car.

The other man and I wished them luck and said goodbye as we both headed back to our vehicles. His had a 10-ish-year-old boy hanging out of it. He had family waiting on him. He had been already in his vehicle when I walked past to offer help to the man. Which brings me to my point.

Sure, it was awkward for me to offer help when I didn’t see what help I possibly could offer. But the fact that I did go up and offer help ended up being the encouragement needed by the person who could give actual help, the younger man with his family. That man clearly was planning to leave, shown by his started vehicle that was about to pull out, back-up lights illuminated. But he clearly changed his mind once I went over to the old man.

So, by the simple act of offering help, I was able actually to help someone, even when I saw no real help I could give. And that’s just really, really cool.

Thank you, God, for helping me to trust my gut and for showing me wonders through that trust. Thank you. And thank you for taking care of that father-daughter today. Keep them safe, happy, healthy, and holy. And the same for the younger man and his family, too, please. Thank you for his help. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Baby steps

As I’ve started to sit in the space of that I was actually very strongly and negatively affected by the stuff with the gym folks in August, things are starting to shift slowly within me.

We went on a long walk yesterday. Today, while relaxing with a film after dinner, I had a desire to do some arm work. So, I got the dumbbell and did sets of curls and strict presses for a bit while watching the movie.

These might and do seem small on their own. However, I can feel how massive they are by the weight they are both lifting from me. This is the direction I want to go. I so incredibly missed doing intense workouts, I can hardly stand it… lately, it has been hard to stand myself, really. I want these workouts and they make all the difference for me and my mental and physical and spiritual health. I want them in my life still.

And I know I have a lot to release in order to get back into them fully. Nonetheless, I will persist in my efforts to increase my exercise activity levels, as well as to release and release and release, so that I can complete. I have begun to reach a new stage of this strain. Instead of feeling pathetic as a victim, or apathetic or wanting to avoid every or merely depressed, I am entering the rage stage. I just want to scream and yell at them and be mad at how crappily they each did their jobs – I just want the whole world to know that these people failed miserably and neither noticed nor cared how any of it affected anyone else, especially me. The phase doesn’t feel long. I think I’ll just need to say it aloud and be angry for a few days, and then I’ll be able to let it go and move onward. Rage never lasts long for me. And it is always a sign of progress, as it is never my first phase in a situation. So, in this case, rage is good. Rage is very good. Haha 😛

Dear God, thank you for helping me to know myself and for helping me to experience this outrage and anger. Thank you for showing me the love and the responsibility that I do deserve and that does work in the world, such that I could be enraged at how these particular people treated me. Thank you for this opportunity to step away from a community that was no longer lifting me up and improving me. And thank you for whatever wonders are to come as I let this all go for good. Thank you for this life. Thank you. I love you. I love me, too. Thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A good evening

We went walking at the park this evening as a family. Of course, it started to rain just as we arrived, and my man didn’t pay attention when I’d said earlier that I was going to walk the whole loop. So, we had a rough start to it all. But the rain quit quickly, and he peed in the woods, so it worked out in the end, and we had a very nice walk. We even saw – first time for me! – some bull frogs and some were even hooping and hollering with their crazy croaks! And we saw a boatload of frogs in the lake and a large-ish snakes that kept trying and failing to catch frogs (or something). Very exciting for the two of us, but the dog didn’t seem to care or notice. 😛

After the walk – well, near the end, we were smelling steak cooking, and it made us want burgers – we stopped at a place we just were passing on the way home and had burgers. We actually ended up with one burger cut in half and a steak, because it was their weekly steak night, and steak also sounded great. The dog enjoyed it all, too, especially the part where she got a lot of steak fat from that ribeye.

Oh! We also each had an on-tap beer. I very much enjoyed my fresh Blue Moon with an orange. It had been years since I’d had one. However, my man didn’t know that I just like to eat the orange and don’t actually want it in the beer. He even got two slices for me. Not realizing that I’d left them on the rim on purpose, he started to squeeze one into the beer… that didn’t go over so well. But we did agree that I am ridiculous and weird, and I got to eat the other orange slice untouched, so it sorted out well enough. 😛

And, somehow, throughout it all, I got almost no bug bites whatsoever. Very, very cool. Great surprise right there. Much gratitude.

All in all, it was a good evening and night, and I’m glad we got to do it.

Thank you, God, for this blessing of this evening. It was truly lovely. Thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A question:

When did I stop mattering? Or, rather, when did I stop being good enough? Worth it?

It was, almost, easy for quite a while for me to take care of myself. For me to go to bed early to get enough sleep, to wake up early with my natural body rhythm, to exercise greatly, to feed myself very nutritious foods almost always… to take true care of myself. It took little mental effort for so long…

Then something changed.

I don’t know what specifics it was or when, but something big changed inside. Something snapped for me. I have a feeling it was in August when the stuff went down with the gym… actually, yes, that was exactly it. (Haha. Duh. Already blocking it out, I guess! Better work on completing it instead, or I’ll be stuck in this cycle and state for even longer.) Yeah, that gym stuff really shat on me, for lack of better phrasing.

It’s interesting to see how subtle crap like that can have someone go from physically fit and strong, emotionally powerful, empowered, eager for life, and inspiring to a mere shadow of herself, both in terms of presence and in terms of the physical body. As I said to my mom the other day, referencing my being, my energetic space, “I keep getting smaller.” But the same could just as truly be said about my physical space. I’m down likely no body fat, but purely muscle loss of about ten pounds. I was already at nearly-prime physical fitness when I weighed 124lbs last year. The fact that I weigh 114 right now is starting to be a bit scary. Ten pounds is a massive change when one is only 124lbs to begin.

To add some extra context, when I was athletic in college, I weighed about 125-126. Later, when I was not doing great with my physical health and fitness, and I had gotten very sedentary (but never fat), I weighed 130lbs. Weight fluctuated between 128 and 130 on any given day for a few years. After a year at the gym, my muscle mass was way up and my fat was way down – yes, I did body scans for relative comparison over time – and my weight had only gone down about five pounds. So, in my prime physical fitness, I weighed about 124-125. That’s only a 5-6-pound difference from my heaviest. I’ve been in the same five-pound range my whole adult life. Now, in a matter of months, I am suddenly down ten pounds.

Not a great feeling in the mind.

I also have felt that I am, through allowing this struggle, torturing myself. And it hurts all the more that I can’t seem to figure out how to stop it, how to heal it for good. All efforts so far have been necessary, fear-based, and only meant to be temporary. I know they won’t solve anything, but I also know every little bit helps right now.

I think I might just want to sit with this tonight, sit with this sadness and the open-ended space for what I want to create for what’s next. Something is always next, and we always have a say in it. So, I will sit with this all tonight and see where it leads me for tomorrow’s considerations and inspirations.

Thank you, God, for this able-bodied brain and true logic. Help me to use them well, especially concerning my health and well-being. Help me to let go of the anger and the hurt and the need to fight back and attack and scream and yell at them for being so horrid to me. Help me to say to you what I seem to need to say and where I feel I need to be heard. Hear me, please, and help me to release and complete all of this pain and frustration I’ve been carrying around and by which I have somewhat literally been starving. And, if it be your will, please, teach those people not to be jerks – help them to see the light of you, so I don’t have to feel like punching them in the face anymore. That would be great, too. Thank you for a sense of humor. I appreciate when you make me laugh at absurdities. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. If you want to pray for my healing and my completion with all those events last year, I would appreciate it and I welcome the loving prayers. 😉 Thank you, too.

Post-a-day 2023

Please, enjoy the message I sent to my cousin for his birthday today:

Cousin. I believe today has been your birthday. I have a mild case of food poisoning/intense case of indigestion and a fever, so I let it get away from me.
If you can, imagine a phone call from me, in which my mom and P—— and I all sing “Happy Birthday” – remember that my mom will be off-sync, due to being on a different phone, and P—— will be in and out with the vocals due to what’s next in the sentence – while P—— gives his honest but digressing attempts, due to a lack of practicing, at playing the melody of the song on piano while also keeping normal time, and I do my best to follow his lead for the base chords, since he’s the melody and the melody is in charge. Likely, I also, chime in and out with the vocals, because, no matter how many times we practice, when it starts to go poorly, I can’t stop laughing hysterically and mostly silently.
We might even have thrown in there “Las Mañanitas” for you, sung by my mom, in which case, you have almost no vocals for the English “Happy Birthday,” because P—— is concentrating so hard on playing notes and keeping in time and I’m too busy holding my gut as I keel over laughing but still diligently playing the piano part correctly.
Hope that brightens your day! Happy, Happy Birthday, Cousin!!

Also, enjoy photos of our real life egg hunt today

This last one is the one we never found at Easter. I guess a raccoon got it and ate the candy inside… and, possibly, the other half, too?
One of the eight possible candidates for the real eggs

Happy Birthday! Chickens laid eggs today for your birthday!

I’d say it’s a darn solid birthday message, especially considering my being somewhat sick and all. Decently done, Nanner! Decently done! Haha 😛

Dear God, please, gran my cousin safety and success in his endeavours to do your will. Thank you for such a wonderful cousin and friend. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Give some credits

At the end of a good movie or show, when the credits music is right, I love to dance to it. Especially if the movie was a happy one and one where things were accomplished, I am already in a celebratory and happy mood. Put on some great music that makes one want to move, and I am so on board. I, too, want to accomplish things and be happy and take on the world successfully, like they did in the movie (or, sometimes, show). The story followed by the music just makes me want to jump up and dance wild and freely right there in the living room. I love living room dancing period, and this is one of those living room dancing times that is particularly goofy and fun. It’s just great and so freeing…

I have yet, however, to find anyone since my childhood who enjoys doing this with me. When I first began visualizing the partner I wanted to have in life, back as a teenager or, possibly, pre-teen, I had these visions of the two of us dancing together in the living room of a cabin-in-the-woods type of house, in front of the fireplace, on the big living room rug. I wanted this to be a nightly occurrence, really.

Alas, that has yet to happen. It has partly happened, in that I got my man to dance with me a couple times to this long, thrumping song that plays at the end of the Mandalorian episodes. But that’s it for the living room dancing. Otherwise, I’m the only one who hops up after a film to dance around and have fun. I seem to be the only one who’ll dance around at all, really…

Guess I’ll have to work on that with him, because I really want to dance with him both at home and at dance things and anywhere at all. My first guess is that he likely is like most people – how I myself was at one point – in that he likely feels a lack of confidence in his ability to ‘dance around’ or dance spontaneously and freely/free-form, and so feels embarrassed whenever he attempts it, and, therefore, avoids it.

Here’s to hoping we can resolve whatever it is for him that holds him back from being silly and dancing with me, because it is such a wonderful experience to go wild with dancing in the living room. Cheers.

Dear God, please, heal us all. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023