Tag: self-expression

Tum Tumm

I’ve had this drum for almost two years now, and I still am not very good at playing it. I haven’t had any lessons of any kind, because I don’t know drum players (for this kind), and I’m just not an internet lesson person (despite my encouraging others to do it regularly!)… man…, how do I sort out my life enough to be able to do all those internet lessons I have been wanting to do these past few years???

I think part of it is financial security. Another part is the predictability of my schedule and life that usually comes with financial stability and security. That makes the routine possible, and having the routine is something I both want and need for my learning things of all kinds. At present, though, I don’t allow myself the mental space for such things, as there is too much else that is more important that I still need to figure out, versus these things I just want to figure out. Yeah…

Hmm…

I’m hoping Thanksgiving week has drumming in it for me(!!!).

Post-a-day 2021

Completion and New Beginnings

As this chapter comes to a close, God and Universe, please, guide me into the opening of the next chapter calmly, comfortably, gratefully, and wholeheartedly. May I bless the world with who I am and in all that I do, sharing fully your love with all those tied to me and this life. Help me to breathe easily in the knowledge that this all is perfect exactly as it is, and that you will use me perfectly for what only I can do and for what I am created and made to do. Please, give me the courage to do what needs most to be done, and to love truly.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Gratitude

Post-a-day 2021

Empty pockets, empty soul?

Tonight, I attended Mass at one of the wealthiest parishes in town. It was natural that the priest was insistent that everyone take a paper bag for the food drive – it has a list of items on it for one to purchase and then return to the church in the paper bag.

I did not take a bag, though I did consider it. I am not financially stable in a way that I can safely sacrifice the money it would cost to get all the items. Because it would be that for me, a sacrifice. I have barely been able to afford my own groceries and life bills lately. I cannot safely provide them for others, not right now, no matter how I may want to do so.

And so, as I was leaving Mass, the priest asked if I had gotten a bag. I told him that I hadn’t. ‘Why not?’ ‘It is not something I can do right now,’ I reply with best coming to my eyes. ‘Why not?’ ‘Because it requires money, which I do not have at present.’ ‘Ask your parents!’ he declares jovially, but allows me to thank him for Mass and pass without a bag.

I was fully crying by the time I reached the curb.

I immediately evaluated what was happening, of course. I was equating my financial situation with my personal worth, as well as my success as a person and adult and one worthy of being loved. And it sucked. And that was okay.

I reminded myself that being in my present situation isn’t bad. It is just what’s so, and my discomfort is merely a clear sign that I want to change something about it all. And so, what do I want to change about it all? Well, I want to teach. And at this particular school. If I need to wait another six months or hear and a half before I get to do that for real, that’s okay. Until then, I will continue to make myself better for my work, as well as make a difference in the world in my daily life. And I will make true efforts to have more money coming to me and reliably so. I can do this. And, as I mentioned to someone else today, failing at something doesn’t mean I am bad. It just shows how I can improve and allows me an opportunity to do so. Alors, let’s do it, Banana. We can do this.

Post-a-day 2021

Way too cold in the bathroom*

One of the greatest experiences of my life is still, on those cold nights in Japan, snuggling into my bed on the floor, the lamp on beside me, next to my book of the moment, and curling into my comforter and wool sheets (sheets, of course, brought from the US for my Ikea full-sized mattress) and fancy, cool-warm pillow (due to the memory foam and the intentionally not-wool pillowcase), after touching the tatami floor with my fingers and through my socks when rushing to the mattress, and shivering that initial full-body shiver as it begins its efforts newly to warm itself. Those moments of first relaxation, cuddled up like that in my bed, so lovingly and cozily held, those are some of my absolute favorite and most fulfilling moments of experience. It is as though, despite all the struggles and pains and aches of the day, as well as those yet to come, those warm and loving arms of my bed were there for me, ready and willing and able to hug and to hold me exactly as I needed, and whether I’d known it or not beforehand.

So, the cold and bitter winter bring back some of the best of memories.

*Which is why they sell the toilet seat stick-ons everywhere for wintertime use. And, of course, they are all different patterns on the fabrics, so they are included in the ridiculously cute nonsense known by all in Japan.

Post-a-day 2021

Bread

When I correctly answered spontaneous trivia questions posed to the audience at a Taiwanese tea ceremony presentation this morning, my coworker turned to me – he’s white Anglo, but a Mandarin teacher – and asked, “How do you know all this stuff?” Yesterday had been a surprising exposure of my Día de Muertos knowledge and experience, and a few other things had come up in the past week to show how I had grown up participating in many cultures. And, while I sat in on his Mandarin I class last week and this week and blew him away with my random knowledge of Mandarin and of character radicals, I am certainly not part of the Mandarin department, and have never been to or studied about China or Taiwan.

I smiled and said to him, “My family is very not-white.”

To solidify such a statement, let me merely add that my hand is covered in mehndi right now, as I helped my mom for a presentation and event she was doing tonight for Diwali, and I wanted to play with some henna just for fun, since I’m wearing an Indian outfit tomorrow… As I said, we are very not-white… 😛

Happy Diwali, y’all!! 😉

Post-a-day 2021

Forgiveness being given*

The prayer says, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who trespass against us…” I’m currently working on the part of, ‘even if I am unaware of my wrongdoing, or even if I am not willing or wanting to ask for forgiveness, do I still hope that God would forgive me to the point of loving me actively?’ In which case, I have a dilemma before me as to the extent of the forgiveness I offer to others in my life, especially regarding the individual who abused me. ‘Where do I go from here?’ has been the question in my head all day. I do not presently have an answer, but I know it is something I must write and talk out, for it wants sorting. I do not want to stop in justification. I want to learn to forgive as I wish God to forgive me. But this will take an inquiry on what forgiveness is, I suppose, just to begin.

*So, is it something we give forth, then?

Post-a-day 2021

Happy Halloween

Well, I allowed them to present about Halloween in class, and play the darn song…, and I have since had it repeating nonstop in my head. I know all the words well now, and can even play the song on ukulele… I’m planning to play it on my last day with them as a parting gift. I suspect that they will go wild… I await with extreme delight and anticipation. 😛

Also, I was Ariel on the beach today, my costume. It was spectacular. I even put Sebastian hanging on one of the ropes. I considered carrying around a fork, just to help people out with context, even though she didn’t have a fork in that outfit. But I didn’t do it – the costume as for me, and I enjoyed it thoroughly as it was, no fork, true to the series of events. The few people who realized I wasn’t just terrible at dressing in a toga – but who even would wear a yoga so dreadfully, really?!! – also were extremely delighted.

Post-a-day 2021

Vulnerability

Well, I was shut down and crushed in one area this week. But then I was praised and respected in another. The boys – I suppose they are technically men, though their brains, I think, are not fully developed [not being by mean here – that’s a real thing] yet – officially requested to be my friends. I am to change the group chat name from ‘“Buddies”’ to something with “friends” in it, whenever I consider them to be friends of mine, instead of just acquaintances and buddies. And yes, the word buddies is in quotes in the actual name. No, I did not do that myself. 😛

Anyway, they expressed the need for vulnerability in friendships, and so I offered up a good chunk of that in our group chat, after our adventures together tonight, and I shared what I had written about the abuse I experienced in college.

We shall see what happens…

Post-a-day 2021

Alas… a lass

Little girl in me is crushed – fairly certain he’s in a relationship. 😭😭😭
Correction: I think he is, and that hurts as much as being fairly certain.
Ugh… I supise it isn’t actually that big of a deal. However, it is causing me to have to deal with a lot of negative emotions and engrained thoughts around the idea of my not being good enough, not worth it. If I really were good enough, they wouldn’t reject me, right? That’s the main feeling today. Of course, part of me still hopes that what I discovered today was misinterpreted (by me, of course). However, allowing the large possibility of my having interpreted accurately, there is a part of me that is grateful to God for having shown it to me today. I only just spoke openly about my interest to anyone yesterday, and this happenstance felt like the world’s reply, in a way. Because many things kept going oddly, in order for me to end up exactly where I was when I was there, and for me to see exactly what I saw. 30 seconds difference, even, could have shown me something entirely different. But the Universe wanted me there at that exact moment, and so I was. Now, I must let go and let God – it will be all revealed in time, as is needed for my life to be the beautiful blessing that I am here to create with God and the Universe. Dearest cosmos, please, help me to release this pain.
And God and Universe, thank you.
Post-a-day 2021