Tag: trusting

God’s plans

A few years ago, I started participating in a Japanese practice called Kakizome. On January second, one creates one’s kakizome, “first writing”, of the year. This first writing is a single word or phrase that is one’s goal and intention for the year as a whole. It is intended that we put our kakizome somewhere visible, so we see it regularly and consistently throughout the year. Since participating in this practice, I have found that my own kakizome has, unintentionally, and without my even noticing, been the challenge I end up facing consistently through ought that year. And, by facing that challenge again and again, I have overcome some big hurdle in my life and have become powerfully more the person I long to be and am called to be by God. Put differently, I have become a better version of myself in a significant way each year, after facing trial after trial of my kakizome for that year. And it was never on purpose – it just came up over and over again. One year was confidence in myself and heart (when I healed a lot of emotional and psychological wounds from some rather terrible abuse, and started writing wonderful songs and sharing myself with the world in a beautiful and loving and confident self-expression). Another was embodiment (that’s when I physically hit all my goals of fitness, felt the most beautiful I ever have been, met the man of my life, and became the person who prays whom I had longed to be). This year’s… well, we’ll get to that.

Now, sometimes, it is really hard to see and to understand God’s plans for us. Perhaps that is how He wants it to be. Perhaps that is how He needs it to be. Perhaps that is how we need it to be in order for everything to work out as God has planned so beautifully.

Whatever the case, it often is not very easy to be calm and easygoing when things seem impossible. When God has granted me these longings, these wishes, these dreams towards which to strive, and everything seems finally so close to fulfilling on those dreams, yet starts to pull away from that pathway… it can be extremely difficult to trust in God and His oh-so-unclear plans… When the labyrinth of God’s love and plans takes the route closest to the inside, and then swerves to the outermost path… faith gets tested, to be sure.

And that is, basically, my every day right now… and that kind of really sucks…

What is ironic – and, possibly, perfect and relieving – about it all, though, is that my kakizome for this year is “faith in God”, in the sense of trusting in Him, having confidence in Him – ‘Jesus, I trust in you.’ Like that.

So, I guess, it really is no wonder that I am having such massive experiences of having to trust in God this year, and on a whole ‘nother level from the usual trust I have to put in Him. Usually, it is for much smaller things and not all too often. This year, however, it has been for massive thing after massive thing. I have been hit with so many impossible-feeling situations, that the only consistency I have felt this year is a sense of everything being up on the air and unknown. I have handed thing after things up to God – here, God, I entrust this fully to you, has been a norm for me this year. I have even given Him some intense stuff that I would like to let go from my life entirely, demons that I have asked Him to take away from me fully… there is not much this year where I haven’t given it all up to God and entrusted it to Him and His judgement. But it seems there is plenty more to go still…

I’m genuinely laughing and crying right now. It is comical in its irony.

Okay, God, have it all. I am so scared, and I am trusting you, anyway, even with my fear – have that, too. I am hear to love you and to be your love in the world. You know best how to make that happen. So, though it terrifies you, I hand myself and my whole life you to. Please, take good care of us. We love you. I love you, Abba. I give up fighting you. I give up not trusting you wholly. Please, help me to find peace, even in my unknowing. Help my man to find peace in it all, too, please. And, if it be your will, please, grant us both these spectacular wishes and desires for the future that you have given to us both, with you at their center. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen. Amen. Amen. Hallelujah.

Saint Jude, pray for us.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.

Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Time

It is time to start being who I am here to be, who I have worked so hard these past years to become. I have been afraid recently. I have doubted both myself and God. Life had become inexplicably difficult and stressful, despite pursuing and fulfilling hopes and dreams and wishes and prayers… it wasn’t lining up.

But I had grown afraid and begun to doubt my god and my self. It always grows incredibly difficult when either of those happens, and I’ve had both sets of doubt lately.

So, I grant myself permission to let it all go and to ask God to take it all from me and for me.

Dear God, here you go: have it all. I have been so afraid lately, and have trusted you only in part. Help me to trust you fully as I hand this all over to you. My life is yours. I am somewhat terrified, and I still trust that you love me and will provide for my being my best self. If the answer to my prayer is not a, “Yes,” I know it is because you have something better coming. I give this all to you now. Keep it, please. Your will be done. And help me to do it, please. Keep us safe and loved and loving throughout it all, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Improving

I accepted where I was in my relationship with my part-time job. I created a rough plan of action to resign. And then, an opportunity arose. I will trust myself and God as I consider this opportunity and see where it may lead, because it feels genuine and right to do so. I don’t know what will come of this next week and the planned conversations, but I expect I will be complete with what to do about the job in a week’s time.

Thank you, God and Universe, for this beautiful response to my trusting myself and taking action. Thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Forgotten Gifts and Talents

Do you ever forget that you are actually really good at something, simply because you haven’t done it in a while? I think it happens to me rather often. Whenever I am not doing something consistently, I tend to think that I had previously overestimated my ability in it, and I the have at least a little bit of fear when it comes to doing that something again. It happened to me recently with teaching. And it has happened certainly with dancing. For the teaching, I always have a sense of imposter syndrome popping up, keeping eye in check – there’s always somewhere I need to improve and sort things out better. But, as I have now read from Adam Grant, that is actually something that tends to produce the best-quality individuals in something: When people experience the imposter syndrome but stick it out, they tend to give a better and more effective effort than all the rest. Of course, no matter how much evidence I have for that, I doubt my imposter feelings ever will go away fully.

Turn now to the dancing, which cam up for me this week. Someone asked me to help out – not lead, but just support – with a two-step dance lesson for a birthday party of a friend of his. Somehow, it felt right to agree to do the lesson, and so I did. I was nervous, and I felt like I didn’t remember anything important involved in teaching two-step. But I went, anyway, trusting that it felt right, and also trusting in the fact that this other guys was the one in charge of teaching, and I was just there to help with the demonstration side of things.

At the birthday celebration, though, in the lesson, I proved invaluable. My own knowledge surprised me. My own aptitude in teaching and, especially, in speaking up surprised me. I helped tremendously in the lesson, though, I believe, I successfully allowed for the other person to be the lead of the whole affair, even when I took over counting and starting and stopping everyone and determining the order of the patterns and moves and all.

And, you know, I had an amazing time. I had forgotten how much I love not only dancing but sharing dance… teaching it.

Because I love to teach. Period. And I especially love to teach those who want to learn what I have to offer.

It was wonderful on its own, but it also has been a wonderful reminder. When I watched a little video that somehow is still on my desktop of my computer, I was enthralled. I could hardly take my eyes off of me, though it was a group dance we all were doing. I was surprised at how good I was at the dance – a dance we had only learned right then and there, and to a song I had never heard before then. I was so chill and calm and on time and comfortable… it was beautiful.

And so, these two things – the dance lesson last night and this video today – have me wonder if it wouldn’t be extremely beneficial to the world for me to find a way to start teaching dance for real… Because I have much to offer, and I want to share it.

Post-a-day 2021

Mystery music with unexpected friends

I recently made a new friendship with someone. We got along like friends the first moment we interacted with one another. When we first spent time together, not long after that first meeting, I discovered that she, too, rarely arranged to spend time with people unless she really likes them, and feels they are genuine with themselves.

She and I have been in touch via phone, both message and conversation, off and on, and have attended yoga together, and seen one another in passing since then. For several weeks now, almost since the first time we were arranging to spend time together, I have had this pull, this desire, to create a song with her. I don’t know what it is about her, but it just keeps coming up that we need to write a song, possibly songs, together. And so, rather than casually mention it, I told her about how this idea keeps coming up, and I asked for her thoughts – would she create a song with me?

Her reply was that, though she ‘can’t sing to save her life,’ she would create a song with me, Hannah Banana. 😛

And so we shall begin this song pull, now. I am quite excited. I think and I feel that something huge and beautiful will come of this.

Post-a-day 2021

^ Still got it wrong at first, but caught it before saving!

Venmo

I know I’m “behind the times” here, but there’s just something that feels off for me around my using a Venmo account..

I don’t know what it is exactly, but it is there.

And it makes me not want to use Venmo.

So, I don’t.

I’ve created an account, because it said I could use my credit card instead of my bank account…, but then it has a 3% fee… so, I’m not doing that.

Anyway…., after the past two weeks, I think it is best that I trust myself, my feelings on this matter.

If felt right to make an account…, but not to add any method of payment to it… so, I am leaving it at that… it’ll be a big backup plan for me, if ever someone needs to give me money only via Venmo, I can accept the funds and then have a credit in the account… which is meh, but totally acceptable…

Anyway, I am exhausted… and it is only just after ten pm… but my eyes hurt, and my brain and body are struggling to function… that four am wake-up, after going to bed after midnight, is hitting hard.

Sweet dreams, World. 🙂 ❤

Post-a-day 2019

Stick with it, hon’

Sometimes, it feels like either everything or nothing comes my way.  For quite some time, I have had a lot of nothing seeking me out, but I always had this feeling about how, ‘In June, I will know.’  I don’t know where I got the idea and phrase – call it divine inspiration, if you will – but it just came to me one day as an answering thought to my wondering about what my next step in life and work will be.  As though in a conversation, when one person responds to another’s question or concern, the thought appeared in my mind.

And so, I have put forth my efforts in what I have been doing, as well as stayed open-minded for what could be next for me.  Now, here I am, so close to June, and it looks like I have a whole handful of solid possibilities for what might be next in my life.  I hadn’t even realized how close to June it is, when I realized today how crazy it is, that I suddenly have what feels like a hundred opportunities knocking at my door.

Just as I had done earlier in the year, I will persist in pursuing these beautiful ideas and options that have come my way.  In doing so, perhaps, in June I will know which one or ones are part of my next semester in life.

Post-a-day 2018