You know, I sometimes feel extremely disorganized, but then, when I pause to think about it, I realize that I am very much not disorganized, not in the least. Really, I’m just lazy, and I don’t want to out in the work to make things run more smoothly and to have them appear to all, myself included, as organized. So, instead, I roll through everything in my head, and I have it all organized there, but rarely so out in the world around me.
And so, now that I’m teaching again, I’m wondering if I wouldn’t mind teaching for real again, if I just took the darn time to sit down and organize everything out on paper for the whole four years of coursework. If I did that, I think I might love teaching and be fulfilled by it in a way that I never was before. There was too much strain and stress to meet goals and standards and to figure things out quickly along the way. But, if I weren’t so lazy, it might save me loads of stress and hassle and strain for years, and, therefore, be worth the effort…
I had a hunch that my friend was extremely good at the acrobatic aerial work she has been doing these past few years, though I hadn’t seen her practice since she started really practicing kind of as a full-time hobby and part-time job a few years ago. She was already a natural in her early days, and not kept getting better and better. Even as a semi-newbie, she was still asked to perform with seasoned individuals in circus performances of varied types. Now, she is several years into it all, and a few years into major practice and work.
Tonight, as I watched her practice for real for the first time in years, I saw what I expected to see in her actions and skills and grace and success, of course. But I also saw in the faces and in the comments of the others present, those practicing and teaching others, what I had long suspected: she is spectacular. Even the owner of the gym had her students stop to watch, she knew it would be worth their time to observe. Of course, when everyone inevitably commented to and lauded her about it all, she was extremely humble and grateful for their kind comments, likely feeling they were over exaggerated. Though, they most certainly were not – she is just that good and that humble.
I am extremely grateful to be friends with her, and I am so proud of her for all that she has accomplished in this field. She has become one of the best around, all through her own hard work and dedication. Anyone who has the opportunity to be her student is supremely blessed to be a le to work with someone so loving and gentle and caring, yet also so supremely talented and effectively self-trained.
Sometimes, life feels unreasonably difficult. It is often music that helps me to reground in these times. And, somehow, this particular song, over and over, does just that, giving me both hope and a reminder that I can do this and the Universe and God are with me, supporting me on this path.
I know that it is I who have chosen to pursue this path. I am the one who chose to do things as I did, and I am the one who will continue to choose how I do things going forward. Sometimes, it feels like I picked wrong, chose wrong. Sometimes, I find myself mourning what feels like a major loss of potential or opportunity in my life. Right now, I feel that with teaching. Every time I teach, I am reminded of the life I could have led, had I continued in my pursuit of full-time high school teaching.
However, every time I teach, I am also reminded of how miserable I end up becoming at some point in the mix. There is something about it that just does not work with who I am in this life, who I am meant to be, and what I am made and meant to do.
Be who you are meant to be, and you will set the world on fire. I love that phrase. Yet, when I teach full-time in a school, I sometimes end up wanting to pull out a flame-thrower on my whole life, and just burn it to the ground. Definitely not the same idea…
So, I am 100% here in the life on this planet to teach. But I haven’t yet figured out in what capacity. I am heading in a direction that feels right, and in such an unexpected and terrifying way that only God and the Universe would have planned such a pattern. I am not there yet, though, and there are still many places for change, plus there will be a lot of work I have to put into it all, especially in the next year. A lot.
But it is something I want to do. So, even though I don’t know how I will earn enough money to function, come November, I believe this is the path for me, and so I will blaze forth. Dear God and O my Universe, please, help me to create the strength, courage, and love I need to make this beauty possible, as best as I possibly can make it happen. Guide me as I step forward into this next What’s next.
What am I doing in classes tomorrow? Unsure at present.
Am I worried? Not really, no.
I have a plan in place regarding what I shall look into first. I have a rough idea of how that will play out in terms of what we will do in class. And I have multiple back-up plans already in my mind.
I have a touch of stress about it, because it is not yet handled. But I was so exhausted last week, I knew I needed to go ahead and leave. I evaluated decently enough that I could handle what was next on Monday before classes, and that is just what I shall do.
I still have no locker, though, so it looks as though I simply will arrive to school…. oh, wait. Let me pack a towel and soap. I’ll shower quickly at the gym and go from there. I’m not having to make morning practice tomorrow, so I can handle it, just so long as I shower and change quickly. I don’t want to do that regularly, but I can make it happen for tomorrow this once.
The first day of school was a decent success. Sure, it was way too hot in the building, though the air was blasting loudly – so loudly that it was difficult to hear many of the students through masks -, as it has almost entirely broken and is being coaxed into working reasonably until replacement parts can arrive (very expensive replacement parts). And yes, we ran out of time and didn’t finish half of what I had intended for the first class. However, I liked the kids, and I think the like and respect and, at least slightly, fear me. All of which is a very good beginning.
One student, upon recognizing me in the hall, immediately hugged me fervently, not for the first time. It was adorable, and also empowering. I had only been their teacher for nine weeks, and yet had made such an impact on the lives of several. I know that I will have to be the Mrs. Wood – the teacher who somehow made me feel pathetic and useless and not good enough and embarrassed, though I had always felt like she cared about me – and unintentionally cause upset for certain people, certain students. Not everyone is ready to hear me when I enter their lives. But, for the ones who are, it is magical to see how my dreams are being achieved in their successes moving forward in life.
I am terrified of all the work this will entail, the time it will take to do the job I want to do. And I am ready.
Let’s go, Clark*.
*Kent… because I am the superhero setting aside my workout gear, and putting on the undercover suit for a while.
I think we are given exactly what we need, exactly when we need it in life.
I have not recently been earning loads of money. I began this week a short-term teaching position that pays much higher than my recent earnings. I was looking forward to getting a few things handled, financially during this time working here, earning more money. I also am prepping for some really fun new work to begin once this teaching position finishes this Fall.
However, I had a chunk of a filling – a filling that never should have been replaced, was replaced poorly, and has been falling apart ever since – fall out the other day, to the point that it must be fixed now, as I cannot bite effectively anything at all with any front teeth. I called the old dentist and asked if they would do anything about the filling. After an extremely frustrating telephone call, I thanked the office person, and evaluated my options. I needed to find a new dentist.
I almost immediately called the dentist who was recommended to me by a dentist buddy of mine (who lives out of town), and whose website I had rather liked. Of course, I hadn’t let all the frustration release yet from the first phone call, and so was practically sobbing as I chocked out my explanation of why I was calling their office. The office girl was wonderful, though, in all ways, and even got me an appointment for that afternoon. Suffice it to say that everything about this dentist’s office felt right. I signed up for the yearly dental cleaning etc. plan with him, and have a cleaning and check-up scheduled for next week.
The repairs on my teeth, however? He definitely listened to me and heard me in everything. He seems genuinely to care about my situation, rather than as though it is just a job. He does dentistry, because it helps make a positive difference in real people’s lives almost every day. So, the plan for fixing my teeth to the full way I want them to be long-term is just over eleven hundred dollars. And, from comparing prices elsewhere, that’s actually quite a decent price, since he’ll be doing teeth whitening with it. (Because, let’s be real here: I want beautiful, straight, white teeth. I’ve got the straight part finally, and they’re white-er, but not all the way to where I want them. And the fillings [both front teeth need them] are part of the beautiful aspect.) However, it is still $1100.
But maybe I can handle that, especially with the 6-month payment plan option.
However, something large and loud hit my windshield on the highway. I was shaking afterward, it had been so terrifying, and the crack so loud. The windshield insurance I had purchased took days to get back to me, at which point the crack had spread. They said they wouldn’t do anything for such a crack, as it was longer than only a few inches…. ‘So, what is the point of your windshield insurance? It would cost less to get a chip filled anywhere, than the fee I pay monthly for your nonsense insurance…. What are you actually insuring???’ And so, when I went to a glass repair shop today, they said the crack had now expanded too much for safety, and that they would not even plug it to stop it from running further…, but they would have done so, had I not waited on the response from the insurance place, and the crack hadn’t grown so much… UGH…
So, how much does the replacement cost? Oh, a thousand dollars. Because the car is too new.
I pray to God that the manufacturer’s warranty or something will cover some part of this replacement. I have an appointment with the dealership tomorrow morning. (They give shuttle rides from the dealership via Uber, but won’t give return rides. So, you can drop off your car to them, but you can never get it back…) This way, though, since I have an appointment, they can handle the other problems I’ve had with the car lately, of which I had to get videos, in order to prove I wasn’t making up the problems. But I have the videos now…
So, we’ll see how that all goes…
Anyway, so all of this is happening, right?
I go to a resale shop, meeting my mom there, to find some work pants for me. Yes, fitness is great, but not fitting into the only business work clothes I have is not great. So, I need new work pants…. aka more money needed to be spent… ugh…
We find nothing, and that’s okay. I trust the World and God.
As I am leaving, I am presented with a situation that reminds me of the value and importance of commitment, intention, and just going for it, no matter how odd or uncomfortable it may be socially or emotionally – when it is what needs to happen, just do it. That is how we help make the world a better place, step by step, day by day, interaction by interaction, person by person.
And all of my monetary frustrations, though they did not disappear, suddenly were not so important as they had seemed. No, I don’t know how I will manage all of this yet. But that “yet” is what makes all the difference. At some point, I will manage it all. I trust that, as I believe in myself and my life and the world around me. I am not here to suffer, but to make a positive difference in the world through being my whole, fully self-expressed self.
And so that is exactly what I shall do. I am nervous, but also calm now. I can only do what I can do, and stressing about something serves no one.
Well, some stuff happened, some stuff shifted, and some stuff was removed entirely. And, you know, I feel loads better already. I’ve gotten myself more out of my head in the first place, and it helped even further to have everything happen as it did today to shuffle things around. I put things into place today to help me prepare for some of the more stressful things over which I have control, and that has been extremely helpful. My brain is very tired right now, though, after so much having happened today, and I’m struggling to make sense even of these thoughts right now… alas, I shall sleep… I am grateful I set things up to get me to bed early enough for a decent night of rest.
I have gotten very, very in my head lately. It is just about time for me to allow it all to flow freely outward, to release the tidal wave that has been building, to be transformed into a mere splash as its energy dissipates in the release.
Many things are about to happen. As the dog in the book said today, this often means struggle for us humans. Living fully now can be extremely difficult, when we are expecting something big or something in the near future. I have multiple big things in the very near future right now. I want to be here for all of them…, which means I want to be here now, too. I will be with them when it is time to be with them. And now is not their time.
Do you ever have so much that you want to say and share with the world that it just feels like it would take far too much time and effort, either for yourself or regarding the other person’s time and patience, and so, you just say nothing at all?
Or when, simply out of some degree of fear, you just don’t say what you really, truly want to say in a given situation?
I wonder how many wonders in life are lost that way, how many friendships never discovered nor deepened…
Perhaps it would be a service to all creation, if we were to start asking people directly and openly what they would like to share with us today, each day we meet them. And then, if we actually listened to what they had to reply each time.
A couple years ago, a certain job opening was made known to me. For years – maybe ten? -, it had been my dream job. But, on that day, when I was stressed at learning of its becoming available, I had a great talk with my cousin to help me sort through what was going on inside my body and mind.
As it turns out, I didn’t want the job anymore. Who I was was beyond the job. I had outgrown the dream. And I don’t mean in age. I just mean that who I had become at this point in time was more than that dream, more than the person who had had that dream ever imagined she would be. I had outgrown that person and that dream.
And, though it was a tad stressful at first, it turned it to be a wonderful thing, much better than the dream the job had once been.
Today, walking the running/walking trail loop at the park, a girlfriend and I were nearing the area with pull-up bars. Growing up, and even as an adult, I had always dreamed of being one of those guys – as I only knew guys who could do it – who could walk up to a pull-up bar at a park and just do a pull-up, like it was no big deal, and then continue on their way, returning to their different reason for being at the park in the first place. They weren’t there for pull-ups. It was just fun to do a pull-up whenever a bar was around like that, right?
I longed for that for myself in life.
I doubted that I ever would reach such a goal, but I never gave up hope entirely. When I finally got myself sorted emotionally, and had joined my current gym, my doubt lessened, at last, but did not disappear.
Now, remember how we were about to reach the pull-up bars on our walk today? Several years ago, at those same bars, a different girlfriend wanted to attempt a pull-up. She absolutely could not do it, so I told her to bend her knees and let me assist. I might have assisted in lifting her more than her own arms did. It was comical, but still satisfying for both of us, because she had experienced her first pull-up of any kind.
Those same bars always remind me of that friend. (She had joined the gym with me, but she moved out of town after about a year. At that point, she and I both almost could manage a real pull-up. Depending on whom you asked, we both got it. But I don’t really count it. 😛 ) So, on a whim today, I asked the friend with me to do a video for me, so I could send it to that other friend.
We went to the bars. They were super hot. I had to adjust my palms to the heat of metal that had been baking in the sun all day. After a matter of seconds, though, I figured I could stand the heat enough, and we started the video. I grabbed onto the bar, dropped my feet from under me, and did a few pull-ups. Four was all I did, as I doubted another was in me at the time. I said as much, and we laughed about it, as we headed back into our walk.
It wasn’t until I was thinking about it later, after the walk had finished, that I realized that, well, I had just achieved a dream of mine. And not just any dream, but a long-time, doubt-filled dream of mine.
So, why hadn’t I noticed? Why was I more excited about remembering that I had even had a dream, than achieving the dream itself?
And I realized: because I had outgrown the dream.
At the gym, after every work-out, I do a maximum effort set of pull-ups. From the day I got my first pull-up (though I did two rounds of that one rep), I have done this. For a long time, that max effort was one rep. Then, it became two. Then, it was two or three. Then, it was mostly three. Then, it was four or three. Today, after the morning workout that had had 45 reps of banded pull-ups (in sets of nine) in it, it was five.
I once dreamed of being able to do a single pull-up at any time, anywhere. After a few months ago, though, that dream transformed into ten pull-ups at any time, anywhere. So, doing a single pull-up in the park was no big deal for me today. But it was a big deal for me for most of my life.
So, where do I go from here?
Forward, just like my kakizome for this year says.
You see, I think dreams, rather than merely being a destination, are really just a starting point. As we grow in who we are, so do our dreams grow. What seemed colossal at one point in life, suddenly seems minuscule later down the road. But the colossal dreams we have today would have been too much for us back then. We needed those earlier dreams in order to help us become who we are today, to help us create these new, even larger dreams. Without the relatively small dreams, we never would have made it to the big ones of today.
So, yeah… I think dreams aren’t a destination. They are a starting point.
hannah ananas 