Tag: bedtime

Future

Yeah, okay… I’m terrified. I guess I got back into my head with everything, and pulled myself off track.

And that’s okay.

I acknowledge it for what it is, and allow myself the space to move forward from it, now.

Being stuck sucks, and I think that fact alone is helping to push my over the edge and get me moving forward effectively again, terror and all still present, of course. I am afraid of being fully my best self. Perhaps that fear is because I might feel that I have been letting myself down for so long by not being my best self. Perhaps I will feel that way. But, as David Goggins says in his book, just because I have all the reasons in the world not to do something, it doesn’t mean that I have to take those reasons and follow that path – I can still choose to have things go differently, despite all the excuses and reasons available to me for not doing what I deep down want to do.

And I deep down want to do this.

Hannah, I’m coming for you. Sleep well tonight, do the storm is brewing and lighting is preparing to explode all around with pure power and light.

Post-a-day 2021

Oh, dear

It is far too late for me to be awake right now. Especially considering that, not only do I have to get up at my regular time tomorrow, but I then have things back-to-back until 8:30 PM. Remember that my morning wake-up time is 4:20 AM, and my regular bedtime is 8:30 PM. It is currently 12:38 AM.

But I saw the nutritionist and chiropractor tonight, and it just happened to be a terrible week to have that happen. Today was already rather booked, from rising to 7:00 PM. But add onto that the sitting around and waiting in the office, until I finally have and finish my appointment just before midnight – I could have gone home after work, slept three hours, and then gone to the office, really. This is just a tad absurd.

Man.

Okay, deep breaths. Tomorrow will be beautiful. And I will sleep fantastically tomorrow night, for sure. Perhaps this is why I never signed up for be volunteering at the park for Wednesday morning – the Universe knew that I might need the rest then. Depending on how tomorrow goes, I might see about still signing up tomorrow night for Wednesday morning. But we shall see. Fingers crossed, and goddesses bless!! 😉

Post-a-day 2021

Tomorrow is…

Monday!

(!!!!!!!!!!)

And I can hardly wait.

(!!!!)

That being said, I also got clear tonight that this could also just be an opportunity for me to be able to date, for me to learn how not to let fear stop me from being myself in such a relationship opportunity. Also, it could just be giving me a friend. And it could be giving me one of those friends I’ve secretly wanted for so long, where we get to be completely loving as friends, and we have a history of dating and being loving in a different way.

It doesn’t have to be it or disaster. And I think this person is very likely to be wonderful, no matter the circumstances.

Though I still find it difficult not to begin down that ever-deepening swirl of my not being good enough and therefore being rejected by someone I like, I am doing better than ever at catching myself at the edge, well before falling (or diving) into it, and turning myself upward and outward to the light of my inner soul and who I truly am.

I am wonderful, and wonderfully amazing, too. I deserve immense and intense love, just as I give it. I am made for it, I do believe.

That being said, I am still very excited about tomorrow’s being Monday, at last. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

^I still keep wanting to put 2020

Pluses and minuses

Okay, I exercised again today. I was very aware of my bottom throughout several parts of the workout, wondering if my rash was doing okay, or if it was worsening. So, I was a bit stressed about that, off and on. Plus, ditto regarding my arm/elbow muscle situation. Depending on how everything looks and feels tomorrow, that will determine my next steps with each. I am really, really hoping that they both clear up by tomorrow night.

Ugh… speaking of tomorrow night, I have to work at that part-time job. And it is for a very long time. And it is until very late. I go to bed by nine pm usually. My body wakes me up before five am each morning. It is already dreadful whenI have to work until eight pm once a week. Tomorrow, I have to work until eleven pm. I won’t be in bed until midnight, best case scenario, which means I won’t even get five hours of sleep. What’s extra annoying is that I am given a mandatory 30-minute “meal break”, because I am scheduled to work for so long tomorrow night. I don’t even eat after five pm, even on my latest of days eating. Usually, it is three pm.

Ugh. The lack of sleep is definitely not going to help my current physical state. Really, it just makes me so frustrated that I want to cry.

Post-a-day 2021

Agèd

I must be old. I can not describe how… necessary it feels to be home now, after being away for two nights. My space, my things, my clean, my joys and comforts… I haven’t even gotten homes for all of my stuff yet – more than half of it still seems to be sitting in odd spots around the room, or just totally out somewhere. (Actually, it’s more like a third of it doesn’t have an official spot in which it can live yet, and a big part of that is the oil spill I’m still working on cleaning up behind my bed’s head, in front of and on a main storage shelf for my room. Once that finally stops soaking up into the fresh spreads of baking soda that I keep laying and vacuuming up, we should be in really good condition with finishing the tidying for everything.) And yet this place feels right. This is the place where I sleep, surrounded by all of this stuff, and in this bed with these sheets and blankets and all, and these fairy lights and twinkle lights on the walls.

And I am powerfully grateful for it all.

P.S. Not to mention, I go to bed already between 8:30pm and 9pm, and wake up between 4am and 6am (if I “sleep in”)…

Post-a-day 2021

^I swear, I almost put 2022… ::facepalm

Drained

I think it is an extremely important social skill to know when people in a room do not want to listen to music and when they want the music turned down. Extremely important.

And yet so many people seem not to have this skill…. and they often seem to claim control of the music.

Ugh.

I’m just drained beyond reason – overstimulation is 100% a thing, and not being able to get away from it is extremely stressful on and exhausting for the body. That applies for the mind, too, actually. I have had too much experience with this from dance, the gym, and various other social situations. One thing I have truly enjoyed and loved about the quarantine lifestyle is that I do not have to be in or be missed from those environments. That seems to be going away again now… not so much a fan of it, though…

Man.

Post-a-day 2021

Cold sleep

It is cold, and I feel it. From the air conditioner, not from outside. I go back and forth between shivering and being slightly miserable without shaking. There was no blanket down here for me to use, let alone a comforter. I found a throw upstairs, but it isn’t very heavy/warm. I likely will have to sleep fully clothed tonight.

And then some.

Glad I brought the thick wool socks for possible hiking (which almost definitely will not happen).

I am also very tired, and also sleepy, increasing, I believe, my sense of annoyance and stress.

Dear God, please help me sleep well tonight and awaken rested and comfortable tomorrow and the next day.

Especially considering that my body decided today was finally the day to start menstruating… what impeccably terrible timing. I think it is aiming to make a point, and I might be understanding that point: I need to take care of myself, no matter what others do or want to do.

And now, to dress and to sleep.

Post-a-day 2021

Energy levels

What is it with our bodies that, whenever we sleep in and have a relaxed day, we end up just as if not more tired than the days when we get up early and exercise and do loads of things throughout the day? We still reach the bed at the end of the day exhausted. Today, I let myself fall back asleep after my regular body alarm wake-up, and I passed out immediately and hard. I got an extra two hours of solid sleep then. I did not exert myself almost at all throughout the day. Yet, here I am, barely able to keep my eyes open or sit up straight, and it’s only just after seven p.m. That’s only 13 hours of being awake today, and not even doing very much.

I really think that there is some kind of balance between being active and getting energy from that activity, and being restful and getting energy. If we do too much of either, the scale is tilted and we begin to lose energy. But, if we do just the right amount of each, we end up more energetic and able than ever.

So, while I would have said that today was possibly too restful, I must disagree now. I realize that I went to bed really late for me last night – 10:30. So, I only got just over seven hours of sleep. My body has shown me again and again that it needs more than that on any normal day, let alone when I am already behind on sleep. So, today, I think, was my body just being tired period – it would have been tired if I’d exercised, too, which is why I didn’t go today. I didn’t want to hurt myself. However, I do definitely have the days on occasion when the rest is too much, and tilts the scale the wrong way. Of course, I totally have the energetic days that tilt the scale too far, too, but those make the clearer sense.

Speaking of sense, I’m losing mine for the night, so I’m signing off now. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

Interview stress?

Man, interviewing people can be utterly exhausting. I have to be on for the entire time that we are meeting with someone. Then, I have to be on in a different way as we discuss after the candidate’s departure. And then, I have to be on in order to discuss the candidate who is about to join us. And then, the cycle repeats itself. It results in a day full of being on… Fully.

And, boy, is that exhausting.

And it is even worse when the candidates themselves are exhausting human beings… could you just stop talking for a second? You are not helping yourself with this constant, roundabout, up-in-the-clouds, non-answer chatter. Frankly, you are annoying us all, and would do well just to shut your mouth for more than two seconds total.

-Hmm…, can you tell I was annoyed? 😛 –

But what makes it, perhaps, the most exhausting, is the fact that it is all done sitting at a desk, looking at a computer screen. I’m not sure work gets more exhausting than that.

That is, for me, anyway…

Post-a-day 2021

^Held my breath for a second there

Sleep awaits

It is 19:15, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I slept roughly 11 hours Friday night, then seven hours last night. But both nights seemed to have an edge to them, making it slightly stressful sleep for part of each, though probably half of the night Friday night.

What’s great about this, though, is that I am sitting on my bed, finishing my final tasks required in order for me to go to sleep for the night. Just need to read and stretch now, and I’ll be good to rest. And, boy, can I hardly wait.

I wait with impatience, as the French say. 🙂

Post-a-day 2021

^Okay, I genuinely didn’t even know what year it was just now. It wasn’t a confusion between last year and this year. I just didn’t know the year, period.