Sometimes, life just feels like it sucks… big time… may we, in those times, let go and let God have it all. God, into your hands I commend my whole life. I want so much to happen right now and in the very near future and throughout my life. And I trust that you will give me exactly what I and the World need, exactly when we need it that way. For whatever reason, I need to face these troubles right now. Help me through them powerfully, please. I trust and I trust in you.
Amen.
Post-a-day 2021
Well, I think I actually accomplished a decent amount today, but I definitely don’t feel very accomplished. In fact, as I noticed earlier today, I have noticed symptoms of depression, especially today. I know that I am about to begin menstruating, and that always gives me an edge of somberness. But it feels like much more than that. I feel a sense of loneliness in my solitude throughout the day, and I struggle to do just about anything – even going down to the bathroom takes extra effort, and so I end up drinking less water – and that includes eating. While I recognize these signs, and I struggle to do anything about them on my own, I do know to reach out for support when I am like this. So, with much schedule-changing, I managed to have dinner with my dad, putting me into contact with at least one person today, and giving me a hearty and filling plate of caloric nutrition. I actually felt sick as I headed out to dinner, I hadn’t had nearly enough food throughout the day… or over the past couple days beforehand either. And my sleep has been short and poor… It gets harder for me to go to bed when I am feeling like this. One of the earliest signs of it all – wanting to call someone whenever I am alone, especially driving, and not being excited about getting to bed at night are two of the most obvious early signs of depression for me.
But I have started accomplishing things today. Tomorrow morning, I have two activities that I must attend – not the gym – and that likely will help me power forward with accomplishing things in my day. I’m hoping to get some calligraphy practice (if not the actual present) done beforehand in the morning, though I might just have tea and chill (or tea and coding practice/lesson) in the morning, since it’s already nine o’clock now, and I still have to stretch and read before bed. If I go the latter route, then I will do the calligraphy after the yoga and apartment appointments, and then go to the music concert in the evening. I hope it is chilly tomorrow. Chilly but bright days help me get going with things, because I get to dress up in cool-weather clothing, which I love. And Christmas clothing!
I even played ukulele tonight a bit. Twice. Only one song, but it’s a tough one. “What are you doing New Year’s Eve?” I really like the song, and I want to do a recording for this year on my own. However, I haven’t exactly been playing much lately, and there are a lot of silly chords (aka uncommon and not-so-eay, but not-impossible) chords throughout it. And the singing is tough, too, for one part. But it is a good challenge, and I think it might even be helpful to me right now. If I can plan to record it in the next week or so, then that will be helpful in my accomplishing things as a whole, I know.
I’ve been wanting things to be settled more before I dive back into working at the clothing shop regularly. I don’t want to commit to shifts until the last minute. That bugs me, but that’s where I am right now. I’m in a major FOMO space. I think it is because I feel so alone that, should someone invite me to do something, I want to be able to seize the opportunity. But then, when people don’t invite me, it kind of makes everything worse. It sounds like I need to go ahead and start working more again. Hey, even if I work the maximum hours allowed per week, it won’t even be 25 hours of my week. So, I need to get over it and just ask to work in the mornings on weekdays period. Ugh… She’s right, you know… Yes, I am aware… 😛
I think my fear of it was that I would grow too comfortable being the woman who works at this shop, and I would forget the woman who taught those kids… kind of like I had before… God, guide me, please… Help me to be clear exactly which path to follow right now, and help me to follow it with the confidence that you will remind me of what I need to know, exactly when I need to know it. Please, help me. Amen.
P.S. I realized earlier that 2020 was literally the longest year of my life. Truly, it was literally the longest. I am not misusing the word where “figuratively” should be used. I was in The Philippines for NYE 2019 to the first few days of 2020. That meant my 2020 began 14 hours earlier than it would have in Houston, Texas. Then, I was in Texas (Galveston, to be precise) for NYE 2020 to the first of January of 2021. How is this different from 2017, you ask, when I was in Japan for the start and Texas for the end of the year, a 15-hour difference to a regular year? Well, 2020 was also a leap year. So, my 2020 had not just 24 hours on any given year, but it had 38 hours more to it than any average year of my life. And that is pretty cool. The fact that it aligns beautifully with the bizarre events of the world’s drama just tops the whole things off. I love a good nerdy joke, and God and The Universe know it. Thank y’all for such a blessing as it was to discover that today, as well as for the year itself. 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤ OXOXO
Post-a-day 2021
Okay, I give up.
Take me where you want me to be.
Guide me where you need me, guide me where I need to be.
Help me to do what you need me to do,
And help me to do what I am here to do.
Make me ready to do
What I am made to do.
I give up resisting.
I am here.
I am yours.
Take me.
I love you.
Peace
Amen
And thank you
Post-a-day 2021
I believe you can hear me, you feel me, and you know me…, and you respond to me. Thank you. Please, comin the to guide me, that I might be the love that is needed in this world, that we might heal those I meet with this love that is The Universe and God itself. I know you hear and feel my prayers. Thank you. Let us continue.
Post-a-day 2021
P.S. ^ It’s been nice, completing this fifth year of sharing with the world daily.
I trust that God and the Universe are acting in my best interest, helping me to be my best and highest self. As annoying as that may sometimes be, I still trust them. And I am grateful for their support and guidance.
He said he envied her height. She said that, if he had been taller she would have married him. But then, she wouldn’t have married the man she did marry, and had the children she had. And he wouldn’t have become a priest, and made the difference in the world that he has made in that role.
Thinking on this, it occurred to me that, though I may envy someone something or be jealous of someone for something, I need only remember that my not having that something is actually helping me to do what I am here to do, the make the difference I am here to make. If I had what that other person has, she would not be able to do what she is here to do, and I would not be able to do what I am here to do.
And so, when the World dishes out something specific to me and something specifically envious to someone else, it is intentional. I have what I was given, because that is what will help me to do what I am here to do in this life, both now and in the future.
Even if I did really want that something else (or someone else), the lack of it will prove much more fertile and endeavour than having it would have proven.
Post-a-day 2021
Why are some things easier to ask for than others? I ask the Universe and God to show me what next to do, that I might find my work that I will love and that will serve the world best. Within days, I am engrossed in a world I had previously believed – and am still not entirely convinced is not – over my head. It wasn’t until a week or so later that it even occurred to me that, yes, I had distinctly and clearly asked, fervently, for this guidance that I had so clearly received.
And so, today, I am having a conversation with the same person who had asked me the other week if I had actually asked for help from God and the Universe regarding my work. He brings up about a boy, asking me if anything has come of that situation. No, it really hasn’t. “If he isn’t on my level, then he isn’t for me,” I reply, “And that’s okay.”
As we get into the fact that I really do want to have someone in my life already, that I’m tired of not having a partner and significant other, I notice that, though I definitely could ask for this situation to arise in my life, I feel an immense hesitation to do it. It only makes sense to ask, especially after the last request I made for help. But something is stopping me. I am stopping me, that is. But why?
I suppose it is the same as always: I am scared. I am scared that I will end up settling, and hat I will miss amazing opportunities because I picked someone. No explorations in partners to be made, once a partner is set.
But let’s be real here: I’ve had plenty of time, yet have had almost no interest in anyone I have crossed. What explorations am I even referencing? I don’t actually want to pursue any of them. But, as soon as they are unavailable, it feels, I would want to pursue them, somehow.
How silly…
Okay, so, here’s the thing. I want the man who is perfect for me and for whom I am perfect. Together, we want nothing, and we have everything. We are filled and fulfilled together. While we can – and have done so – live apart, we choose to live together, as we love and live better when together. I want a partner who allows me to think happily on other possibilities of men, as I think today on candies. (Okay, that reference was not intentional, eye candy and all…) That would be awesome! But I’ll leave it to everyone else – I don’t truly want it.
So, yeah… come on, Man. Bring it. I’m ready to step up onto our level, and be together going forward now. Yes, I am still terrified. All the better. Bring it.
Post-a-day 2021
Multiple people have told me this weekend that they are praying for me (or, from some, that they are going to start). I am grateful for all of them, for their love, and for their love for me. I think prayer is more valuable than ever it was explained to me – prayer and meditation, in my experience, are a means of consciously reaching ourselves outward into the cosmos, into all Creation, connecting our piece of energy with the abounding energy around us, and sharing an intention, that it might become a common goal amongst the atoms that make up all of this universe. Prayer is power, energy turning kinetic, slowly but surely.
That is, true prayer is such. And everything that is not quite there yet is, hopefully, working its way slowly but surely to that true connection of energy between us and the cosmos, between us and every bit of energy around us, outward and onward forever.
And, I think, that is what love is, too.
Post-a-day 2021
I book-clubbed tonight… on a book about God. Actually, on a book about Jesus.
I have never done that before.
I had never really wanted to do that before, though, because I’m not sure I have ever really had friends who are comfortable enough in themselves to be able to see and speak honestly about all of it and their own lives and experiences. So, it is cool that I have a friend like that, that we are both like that these days.
And I enjoyed the book-clubbing… cheesy as the questions may have been… and un-relatable as the author’s experience may be for me (and my friend)… But it was nice to talk about such things and in such a way. I am satisfied from it. Like a few sips of sparkling, cool beverage on a warm day. Satisfied. 🙂
Post-a-day 2020
I will remain present, and I will listen to my true guide, and I will follow through with what the fibers of my being already understand to be my truest path.
This is my intention in the coming days; may I succeed in it beautifully, thereby helping the world around me to be a loving and beautiful place.
God, guide me, please, and keep me safe, that I be happy, healthy, holy… Amen.
Here’s to safe travels these next few days(!): Cheers! 😉
Post-a-day 2020
Does everyone have that one friend who always seems to be preaching to us?
Whenever we talk, the friend somehow takes a non-existent tangent to start talking about God or the religion, and almost never really in a normal, conversational way…
We may even follow the same religion, but this friend talks to us like we are atheist to the max… this friend seems to be determined to save us…
I talk about God in my life, and it is, I believe, never preachy – it is just something I talk about, and even discuss, with others.
Other people talk to and with me about God, and it is entirely normal, even if we have totally differing opinions on things.
Yet, that one friend we all seem to have never seems to be able to mention or discuss God without it turning into what feels like an effort to convert us – leaving always a bit of a bad taste in the mouth…
I love God, and I also happen to be of the same religion as you, and my faith in God is not faltering…., so, could you, please, stop always trying to convince me that God is good and that God loves us?
Anyway… not sure what had that pop up tonight…, but it clearly is something that bothers me… hmm…
Boy, do I have other thoughts on my mind tonight (and all day today), but, as much as I have been loving them, they are not thoughts I’m going to share for right now… just know that they are quite delicious and hungry thoughts, and involve a thirst that wants to be quenched. 😉
Post-a-day 2020
hannah ananas 