Exhausted

I am worn out, exhausted tonight. I still haven’t recovered fully from whatever bug I had that made my throat burn Friday night through this morning, though my throat recovered late this morning. But my body is still tired from working so hard throughout it all, and possibly still today, to fight off the bug. However, I pulled weeds of grass out of the flower bed today, and that was quite satisfying to have that completed. That’s especially so, considering that most of it was probably there from when I turned the lawn mower around while it was too close to the beds, and it shot cut grass all into the freshly planted and watered beds… So, there’s that.

I’m too tired to focus on saying anything else right now.

Goodnight, God. Thank you for the love. Heal us all, please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Okay, then, body

Menstruation stuff in this one – you have been alerted! ;P

………

So, I went to a meeting for folks who’s re wanting to get into the tech world this afternoon. I spent, perhaps, a grand total of five minuets in the two-hour session.

You see, I was having unusual abdominal-ish pain this afternoon from menstruation. Not that the pain is unusual as a concept for women menstruating, but that it is very uncommon for me. Discomfort? Sure. But pain? Almost never. So, for lack of a better way of describing it, it felt like I was about to have intense diarrhea, but in a slightly different area from my stomach and bowels. Aka it sucked big time.

However, when I do have this discomfort and occasional pain, pressing directly on the edges of my pelvic bone usually helps to relieve the discomfort and the pain. This applied today, too. I went to the bathroom as soon as I arrived, confirming that it was not diarrhea, and was merely my body being angry that it isn’t pregnant yet. Then, I went into the meeting. It had been listed and described as a happy hour, but it was a meeting. I sat in the seat offered to me, as only one other across the room was truly available, without a bunch of stuff sitting on the table in front of it.

Immediately, I regretted the spot. Clearly, the woman next to me was going to continue sitting on a blocking way, her back fully to me and leaning forward to the table, so I couldn’t quite be included in any discussion or see the person presenting directly. And it was also out of ignorance, not meanness, which somehow bothered me more. In addition to this, I identified a sweet, strong, fake, and sickly scent that was clearly someone’s perfume. It seemed to be this woman next to me. On the other side of me were open bags of chips, thus leaving my nostrils filling with horrible perfume and corn chips.

And did I mention that it felt warm?

I pulled out my fan almost immediately and started fanning myself carefully under the table, so as not to be rude. The presenter noticed and commented not to worry, that she had already reported about the air and it was being fixed, whatever that was supposed to mean. I recalled that it had been warmer when I’d walked into this section of the building, a shared office space area, and even warmer when I walked into this particular meeting room within that space.

Perhaps a total of three minutes pass, and my guts are going wild – I can barely stand to sit. I go ahead and stand to the side when there is a pause, and squat down and move around, seeing what my body may need. Suddenly, I am clear that everything within me wants to curl up on the floor… and possibly throw up. The latter is new, but growing with increasing intensity.

I quickly exit the meeting room. I then rush back in and grab a tampon, then re-exit the meeting room. My initial thought is to go to a bathroom.

But then I notice other things happening… I am about to pass out, I realize.

Ice pressed to the back of the neck is the number one helper when one is about to pass out. It then gives time to figure out whatever else the body may need – be it oxygen or water or sugar – but without having to pass out. I stumble across the office space and find a mini fridge. It only is a fridge; no freezer up top. It is filled with forgotten lunch bags from the grocery store and half-drunk water bottles. I grab a water bottle and put it to my neck, and promptly stumble to the floor.

The floor is smooth concrete. Any skin touching it feels the coolness as a balm. But it is still warm in the office – this won’t be enough.

As soon as I realized I was close to passing out, I called my mom and told her the scenario. I needed someone to know what was happening to me, as no one was about in the office space. I also wanted someone who could potentially help me, if I started having trouble thinking. So, I’m talking to her as I lie on the ground in this office. A woman appears and tells me I can’t lie there on the floor, but I can lie on the bench, and am I sure I don’t want her to call an ambulance?

I am sure, I tell her. I ask multiple times for ice, and she tells me they have none. Nowhere in the building? ‘We don’t have any.’ I still think she must be wrong, as it is a huge building with many setups within it. She must only be part of this particular office space. She does not seem entirely resourceful. I tell her I’m about to pass out and just need ice, that’s all. But she cannot seem to figure out what to do about that, and asks me again to move to the sofa bench.

My mom encourages me to make the move, so the woman doesn’t call an ambulance. With great effort I peel myself upward and fall forward to the bench, half-crawling and half-rolling up onto it. I’ve made it.

The woman disappears, as I tell her that cold water on paper towels would be helpful. Another women who speaks little English appears and hands me a full bottle of water that is very cold. Her shirt matches the orange polo the other woman was wearing. “Here. Cold.” And then she disappears again.

When I first try to grab the bottle, I can’t. My hand won’t work quite right. My muscles started tingling when I was on the floor, and they haven’t stopped. I am shaking in places now. This reminds me both of passing out and of the panic attack I had that one day at home alone.

Breathe. Slowly, fully… breathe.

I do.

I finally grab the bottle.

I roll to my back and hold the cold water bottle behind my head, resting my neck and head on it. It helps.

But I also need to drink some of this water, I realize clearly. I pull it out and replace it with a half-drunk bottle under my neck. Lying on it helps much more than just holding it to my neck while on my side. I drink some water. It does good. I screw the cap back on and out it back to my neck. It is much more effective than the other bottles.

I go to unscrew the cap to take another sip, but I haven’t sat up yet to take the sip, and end up slipping as I push myself up, and dropping the water. The cap is already off, so water goes all over the bench sofa. It is plastic on the outside, so it will be fine. But I have lost half my truly cold and drinkable water. It freaks the original lady out. She wants to call an ambulance. I decline firmly but kindly as I roll up and stand with my forearms on the tabletop next to the bench-seat. I apologize about the water, and then I drink some more of the cold water. It helps.

The woman bring me a USB-charged handheld fan. I point it at the back of my neck. It really helps.

I tell my mom I need to put down the phone. Please, let my man know the situation and see if he can come get me or not, then call me back in ten minutes. I tell her I’m going to the bathroom, then we hang up.

I take the fan with me and go back out into the hall to find a bathroom. I don’t find one, so go back downstairs to the one I’d used earlier. It’s just one flight and it’s right by the stairs. And I genuinely feel like I can handle the stairs, though I am still a mess.

In less than a minute, I am in the bathroom and stumbling to a stall. I use the toilet rather quickly, though express my pain and frustration while sitting there a moment. After I wash my hands, I sit in the floor and put my head against the wall. The wall is cold, and so is the floor. For that matter, it feels like all the cold air is blowing into this tiny two-stall bathroom, and not the rest of the building. It is very cold in here.

And it does me such good.

Within minutes, I can see fully clearly, all of my muscles feel normal, and everything has settled within me. Even the pain down low has lessened significantly, so it is still there. My need to vomit is nonexistent, and my breathing is, somehow, easy.

So, it’s all about the temperature, thenHow odd.

If that is the case, though, then I need to go ahead and leave. It is far too warm in that part of the building and in that meeting room. Not to mention the smells in there that likely didn’t help. I want to be home. If this happens again, I don’t want to be here and having to deal with it again. I want to be home.

I tell my mom, and then I go upstairs to fetch my things and return the fan. I noticed instantly when I walk into the warmer part of the building how I start feeling worse. I return the fan and explain the Tyanne of ministration for the whole affair to the woman. Finally, she understands why I didn’t want her to call an ambulance. It was something that was going to pass, and that just had to be endured for the time being. She explains that she had had a stroke at one point, thus her terror for me earlier. But she gets it now, and is relieved. I tell her that I am not staying and then I’m going to go eat the snacks in my car, and go home; that I’m going to call a family member when I get in the car. She accepts and wishes me well.

I go back into the meeting to get my bag and sweater. I excuse myself and say that I need to leave. The leader comes to give me an information packet and bag, and asks if everything is OK. I mention that I am just having some real ministration trouble, and that I just need to go home. The room is all women, and they all get it immediately. They look at me, various types of knowing and commiseration in their eyes, and several of them wish me well and wish me feel better soon. None of them show signs of any negativity towards me or towards what I have said. I have to write down my name and email for the leader before I leave, though. In just these two minutes, I noticed my symptoms all getting worse. It is time to leave.

And I do.

I step into the bathroom for just a moment before leaving the building, to get one last hit of the really cold air all over my body. When I walk outside, the heat hit me in a way it didn’t earlier. My body does not want heat right now. Though it regularly feels better from any ailment just by sitting in the sun for a few minutes, that is not the case today.

Once in my car, I blast the a/c like I never do, and aim to get out all the heat as fast as possible. I can feel the sickness rising within me. I drink some of the last sips of the cold water, and it helps while I wait for the car to cool.

I remember that I had planned to stop at In-N-Out on my way home, so I could bring home burgers for my man and me. We love In-N-Out, but we live nowhere near one. I check in with my mom to tell her that I am leaving, and I ask her opinion. She says definitely to get the burgers. I can eat mine there or at home – whichever one feels best at the time. Nonetheless, eat the snacks I have in the car right now. We hang up, and I eat the snacks. I get our protein style burgers to go, and I fill my water bottle with ice to chill the warm water within it, and I make the 40-minute trek home with unexpected ease. Th cold water to sip makes all the difference.

We devour our burgers as soon as I get home. I drink ice cold water for a while, and then pass out – the good and intentional kind – on the sofa, exhausted. I sleep hard for just under an hour, and notice that the pain is gone and the discomfort is barely noticeable now. I was sweating all over at the office building, but my body temperature seems fully normal now. When I step outside, nothing happens right away, though the air is still plenty warm and humid. I’m able to stay out a few minutes before noticing even discomfort beginning. I am filled with relief.

Apparently, this episode I had today was just like what my mother experienced somewhat regularly in her younger years. She has said before that things sorted out after her first pregnancy, but that it had sucked until then. So, I imagine this was sort of that. She said she usually would curl up on the bathroom floor at home for twenty minutes until it passed, and then resume life, much like I had to do today.

I have had similar episodes myself, but never to this point of nearly passing out like today, or the intense draw to throw up. I just want to curl up on the floor, and I press my pubic bone and breathe deeply and slowly for maybe twenty minutes, and then it wanes and I can resume normal function.

Goodness… that’s nuts. And it’s even more nuts to think how many women have it worse off and regularly so. And it’s even more nuts to think that so much of the trouble likely ties into hormonal imbalances within our systems. How can we heal our bodies as a people?

Anyway, glad that all has passed. Goodness…

God, thank you for getting me through all of this today, and thank you for making the pain stop. Thank you for all the love and support I received, especially from my mom. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A change in plans

Today, I got to experience flying in a small airplane on a hot and clear day – loads of, basically, constant turbulence; high crosswinds with crazy-high gusts that made landing quite difficult and had several planes look insane as they were landing (successfully); an unidentified malfunction of the flaps – those help you slow down when landing, as I understand it – that prevented us from landing with those gusts, multiple times; the discovery that that malfunction was related to power… as all the plane’s electrical power eventually disappeared while in the air – remember that the engine still is running, just nothing else works, including the com system; navigating with no modern electrical airplane tools; and landing at a towered airport without radioing the tower, and, instead, by telephoning someone on the ground to let the tower know we have no power, and getting the all-clear from the tower through that person.

We never actually got to stop at the fly-in event we were going in the first place to attend, but we got to where we apparently needed to be today. Talk about a nutso flight… we certainly had it today! But I am extremely proud of my man and grateful for his passion and dedication to learning and practicing what he needed to learn and practice in order to handle it all safely and efficiently today. I mean, sure, I was definitely crying… a lot…, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t handling each situation well. That just meant I was terrified, which is really nothing new for me with flying.

(I know, it’s hard to believe, given all of my experience flying all over the world, but I genuinely am nervous and at least a little stressed every time I am preparing to travel by and am traveling by airplane. Walking off that plane and onto solid ground always gives me such immense relief. Seriously.)

Anyway, I prayed a lot today. I was definitely stressed as things were happening, but God and Mary and Jesus and Jude and Joseph of Copertino all came through and kept us safe and, eventually, gave us a safe landing… and on a real runway. (I kid you not, we never said it aloud, but we were both thinking that we were likely about to be emergency landing in one of the many fields we were passing.)

Thank you, God and Jesus and Mary and Jude and Joseph (of Copertino – grazie!), for keeping us safe and bringing us home, safe. Thank you for this training for the both of us. Please, help me to find a call around my man’s flying. And, please, help him always to have safe travels and departures and arrivals, especially for work. In Jesus’s name, I pray. Thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Everyday nudity

I’m getting to have way more time than I’d like, sitting around in just my underwear this week. And it is quite likely to continue for the next month or two.

You see, I live in a converted attic space. So, it is a lovely little studio kind of space, but the awesome-looking vaulted ceilings are actually the roof. And this is Houston. And it is June. So, it is hot.

Because there is only a single window unit on each of the three floors, it gets terribly hot up here during the day, and it takes a couple to a few hours after sunset for it to be at a tolerable temperature, and another one or few to be at a sleep-able temperature. And so, after I take a cold shower, I sit in my underwear by the fan for a while, and eventually lie down on the bed, usually without sheets on me, aiming to keep myself as cool as possible in a not-yet-cool room.

It has been two hours now, and I finally was able to turn off the fan, but can’t put on my shirt yet.

And I might turn the fan back on a while longer…

Ugh…, but, at least, it is practice being with my mostly naked body, and being comfortable in it just hanging out, not feeling any kind of sexual tie to the nudity. It is just everyday nudity.

Post-a-day 2021

False reprieve

That awful feeling when, after the baby has gone, and we shall have a full night without disturbance, the loudest person declares that it has just been too cold overnight, and so, if nobody has a problem with it, that person is turning the air up a couple degrees tonight…

And then to find out, by initially overhearing a comment from another, and then inquiring about it, that the rest of us have actually wanted it a touch colder overnight lately, as well as during the day, and we are all silently in misery at the prospect of how hot and miserable it is likely to be tonight… will we sleep tonight? Certainly not well.

Post-a-day 2021

Rest and Weather

I feel like the weather is kind of really getting to me lately. You see, I can handle cold weather and hot weather both, just so long as I can be in charge of my indoor temperatures. Lately, the weather has been going back and forth between warm-ish and really cold (in the twenties Celsius to just above freezing). Unfortunately, between work and my mom’s house, I have not had reliable temperatures indoors anywhere. No matter how I have approached it, I never seem to predict appropriately what the indoor temperatures will be, and so end up slightly miserable while at either location for longer periods of time. In my own home, I hav even fine. But I haven’t spent the bulk of my waking hours in my own home lately.

And so, with that physical semi-misery comes a certain level of both conscious and subconscious stress. And, with that stress and the unexpected cold indoor temperatures, I feel like I am getting sick. And it sucks. All I want to do is take a super fast shower and then curl up in bed and sleep for ten hours. But I have to be up to work in about nine hours from now, so I likely won’t get more than eight to sleep. And only that much if I somehow manage to go back to sleep when I inevitably wake up around 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning, as almost always now. (Another factor in my feeling terrible, as I haven’t gotten enough sleep lately, especially due to the fact that I can’t stay asleep during the time I have available for sleeping.)

Anyway, lots of frustration and stress lately and right now, and all I want to do, I can’t really do. But we shall see how quickly I can get myself to bed right now, and then how I feel in the morning. I really hope I crash asleep tonight, and then wake refreshed and well tomorrow morning. I and the world around me need it(!). I actually broke down in miserable crying tonight before driving home from my mom’s, I was so tired and stressed.

But, starting after tomorrow, the days will be increasing in length again, and I am grateful for that.

Post-a-day 2020

Boiling point?

I might be at my boiling point this week… physically, though mentally regarding the physically…

You see, I have learned to handle acne rather well for my body… meaning that I have learned how to avoid having very much of it.

Unfortunately, my body is extremely sensitive – well, kind of to everything, but that’s not the point right now – to sweat, when it comes to producing acne.

All I need is to have my skin be the level of sticky sweaty – pouring/dripping sweat is fine, but, once it stops, I need to clean off the skin – in order for acne to show up in the very near future in those exact spots.

So, I washed my face three times throughout the night last night, and have done it several times today, simply because of the heat of the place where I am staying this week – it is warm, like 76 overnight and 82 degrees Fahrenheit during the day (And, before you start saying the temperatures are to save money on electricity or to help save the planet, know that the air is set to “ON”, not to “AUTO”…, so it is always running…, but with warm-ish air abouts.)… I couldn’t identify at first why I was so mentally disturbed by the fact that the apartment was kept so warm, but I eventually realized that that was it: the acne concern.

I was kind of supposed to go take photos with someone this week… now, it is definitely not happening… I already have more acne on my face than when I got here yesterday, plus, I only slept a maximum of a few hours last night, for fear of bugs (I got bitten while aiming to sleep) and for the struggle of the intense warmth of sleeping atop a fabric sofa and wool-like blanket…. so, no photos of me this week, buddy – I need to be not semi-miserable and not annoyed at my physical state to go take such specific photos.

Let’s be real: sitting here, writing this, I keep taking breaks to move my arms away from my body, and to breathe deeply, both in hopes of cooling off even a little bit more… it reminds me of the days of no a/c in the world, when everyone just suffered all summer long, and sat, miserable, on their porches with cold lemonade and a cool rag, unable to get themselves to do anything else, because the mental effort involved in starting any physical effort was just too much for the overheated body and brain to handle…

That’s about how I feel here, breathing in the warm and humid air of the apartment, as though I might just be sitting outside still…, but outside has bugs and wind and rather low humidity, actually… man… not even my deep breathing is relieving, it feels so oxygen-low…

Ugh… okay, you can do this, Banana…

Post-a-day 2020

Wanna be… me

Tonight, for what I believe to have been the first time in my life, I confidently and utterly comfortably – even somewhat proudly – wore a womanly, beautiful, sexy dress that showed off my body (tastefully yet subtly)… at one point, a friend complimented me and asked if I had a hot date, I was so appropriately dressed (“I wish,” I replied, and he jokingly offered to take up the position.. which may or may not have been just a joke.).

I was honored and appreciated by his comments and by those of others, and I was so happy to be so comfortable – I felt entirely myself – it would have been overwhelming, if it hadn’t felt just so right.

Tonight, I was the woman I want to be… I said what I wanted to say, the way I wanted to say it and to the people I wanted to say it; I stood up for myself to myself and the world around me; I was at ease; I was a delight to those with whom I interacted; I was beautiful and sexy to behold…, and it was all without trying to be.

I just was myself.

I had two moments of consideration at which points I dismissed easily my thoughts of taking the ‘safe’ route, and I elected easily to remain true to myself and to do what truly works for me, the true me.

Frankly, I like this woman, and I want to be friends with her… she was so amazing… which reminds me: I am amazing, and I did a beautiful job of being entirely myself tonight, tears and love and sexy and smiles and all.

This was an empowering night for my life, and I am extremely grateful for the experience.

I look forward to being my gorgeous, attractive, beloved self tomorrow, too… and each day and night afterward, as well…

At last, I see that we can do this, Banana, and I believe it with my whole being… we really can do this. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

The rain in Spain

Stays mainly in the plains.

But, in Cebu, it pours everywhere, and with all it’s got, albeit only in approximate 5- to 20-minute increments.

The wind grows cool, and the temperature feels like it drops almost ten degrees Celsius, and it seems like the impending rain will last forever, until, when you turn your back for a moment, it suddenly starts pouring, and you turn back ’round and notice the rain…, then it clears up within two minutes, the clouds part and clear away, and the sun shines with all its glory once again, as the temperature pops back up that same ten degrees again to a warm – oh, so warm – 29-35°C.

As I write this, just that has happened.

The air was cool and windy, the sky was dark, but no rain had started.

I turned my attention here, and then, as I looked back up after a few minutes of writing, I saw the rain falling all around.

It is not quite finished yet, but the sky is already brightening… it will not be much longer before the sky is clear of this rain once again.

P.S. There are far too many flies for me to be comfortable here (in addition to all the other huge dislikes), but I am rolling with it and hanging in there.

Post-a-day 2019

Weekend snob

– So, how has your weekend been?

– Well, yesterday, I went sailing, and today, I attended the Houston polo finals…. so, rather posh, I dare say…

(Totally hashtag posh, right?)

What’s funny about it, really, is that it wasn’t anything near as posh as it sounds.

The sailing was on an approximately 25-foot sailboat that belongs to a friend of a friend of a friend (technically an old coworker of the guy (super smart space engineers) my friend was dating for a while, but whom she isn’t really dating anymore, but they still sometimes do things together, like this)…

The polo match was because I’d found out about a Groupon for super discounted two-packs of tickets, and so I found a friend to go with me and live out another one of my “Pretty Woman” fantasies…

Both were quite hot and sunny, and much less interesting than they sounded at first, but were wonderful nonetheless.

And, because of them, I am able to go to bed tonight with a sense of silly giddiness at how funny life can be sometimes. 🙂

I don’t need to live that life, but it certainly is fun to have the occasional sprinkling of it here and there, and especially when I am able to share it with people I love. 🙂

Post-a-day 2019