I – of course, because there seems to be little else I think about these days that isn’t connected to this general topic – was thinking tonight and today about what I am still not doing to be the person I want to be, in the sense of attracting the person I want to attract.
You know, be the kind of person you want your partner to be attracted to, right?
So, today at lunch, a family friend and I were discussing briefly his desire to learn German.
He said he needed a German girlfriend, because that was really the best way to learn a language, was to have a boyfriend/girlfriend who speaks that language natively.
I laughed and rolled my eyes a bit, telling him that I know everyone always says that, but we both know that I am extremely picky about men, so that has never been a very effective method for me.
(He, upon reading my palms the last time we had lunch, informed me that I not only was picky about men, but extremely picky, and then even compared the relevant marks to his own, for emphasis… it was hilarious yet utterly unsurprising to me – I already know that it is rare for me to be genuinely interested in someone.)
I then added that it makes it all the worse when I am interested in someone, and he is not interested in me.
The family friend then tells me that, well, there are always ways to turn it…, to turn the guy’s perspective and attention.
Now, I very much dislike the idea of manipulating people, however, this led me to the question of what I could ‘turn’ about myself, so to speak, so as to show up differently for this guy in whom I find myself interested – frankly, a bit absurdly interested.
In what ways am I not fulfilling being the person I want my future partner to be attracted to?
And so that thought led me to my consideration of my current position, sitting somewhat sprawled on the floor of my bedroom, leaning on a metal laundry basket with a pile of laundry overflowing on the other side of it, some laundry soap nuts and a book to my right, my feet propped next to a letter and a cowboy hat on a plastic storage container of sweaters, a foot roller and drum on my left, and a tube of henna hiding casually in its semi-temporary place on the floor beneath my legs… and, of course, the rest of my room out behind me comes to mind… my room is quite the miniature explosion, I must admit.
And I think that is what I am not yet doing to be the person – I have still not cleaned up my room (organized is really the appropriate word for it, for everything is clean, just a little scattered and, well, explosion-like).
And then it occurred to me that maybe that isn’t it… You see, I love having things organized and in their proper, logical places…, yet I do a terrible job of making that happen consistently.
I want to be that person who already has everything organized and in its place.
But I’m actually not that person, not right now.
One day, I hope to be that way.
But what if I stopped judging myself so terribly harshly at my not being that way now?
What if I simply acknowledged that I am not there yet, and I allowed myself to be as I am – to be messy?
It’s always phases, anyway… progressively messier, and then a sudden burst of organizing and sorting of everything, making it that much better than it was to start before the mess began this past time…
If I continue along this road as it is already, I will reach pretty darn organized in not too long, anyway, I am improving so much every time and the organizing phase happens sooner and sooner and goes better and better each time…
When I really think about it, I am not very organized in my room, and I like organization.
If I forced myself to get organized – for it would be just that, forcing – and then met someone, I can tell already how intense a pressure I eventually would feel at having to maintain the organization in front of him, simply because that was the side I declared so proudly of myself: I am organized and orderly.
And it would feel so false, having to maintain that.
I want my partner to know that I want order, and also that I have to work to have order, and that I sometimes might just need to spread everything out around me and embrace some chaos…
To go back to the start of this thinking, I want to be someone who is comfortable with who and how she is, and who is not ashamed of herself in any way, and who embraces herself fully, while striving and working always towards being her best self in every moment.
So, perhaps it is time for me to allow that I am messy, and I want to be organized.
And that I don’t have to be one or the other – I can be and truly am both. 🙂
So, yeah… anyway, I’ve had a headache almost all afternoon and evening, and I spent some intense time cleaning and organizing some stuff that has been sitting for quite some time in boxes in corners, stressing me out… so, I’m glad I did that, but I’m also glad that it is okay for me not to want to do any more right now.
I want to love myself, flaws and all.
And I want him to do that with me, too.
So, I am now tasking myself with loving and appreciating me for my flaws specifically for a bit, and considering how they just might not be flaws at all… yikes… here goes(!).
Post-a-day 2020
hannah ananas 