Tag: fear

All things considered

I have been thinking about the idea that we need not apologize for our thoughts or opinions…, no matter what those thoughts or opinions are.

I believe that the only place where an apology might be warranted is in one’s unwillingness or total rejection of re-evaluating/reconsidering one’s thoughts and/or opinions…when one denies that another idea might be better than the one one already has. That, to me, is the point at which we might begin to consider taking responsibility for how we could be hurting others, in some way or other, through our thoughts and opinions.

I believe that it is extremely important to evaluate our opinions and ideas, and even on a regular and frequent basis. Everything around us and within us changes over time – why might our ideas and opinions and viewpoints remain stagnant or fixed throughout life? I have found myself go from one extreme on an opinion to the other, simply by learning new and full information on the topic. I do not feel guilty for my former belief, nor do I feel it appropriate or required for me to feel guilty about it. Based on the information and experiences I had had at that point in time, that was my belief. When new experiences and new information reached me, I was willing to re-evaluate my stance and take a new one. I think this is possible in just about any situation for any topic or idea. So, we need not feel bad for our opinions, I think. We must merely be responsible for updating them consistently and actively, especially when something arises that points them out as being inappropriate and/or unloving in some way.

Post-a-day 2020

Old folks and celebrations

Today was the 67th anniversary of my maternal grandparents (Grandma and Opa), and the 90th birthday of Grandma. And yes, she got married on her birthday.

We celebrated with a small family event, which included a brief surprise Zoom call from almost all the grandkids (and great-grandchildren), who were spread around the country (the ones out of country called in earlier in the morning). It was a real delight, and on many levels.

Considering being married to someone for 67 years is one of those incomparable things that I just cannot seem to fathom. Yes, I certainly understand it conceptually. However, I haven’t done anything for 67 years – not even life – so I cannot grasp such a length of time. And I also am not married to anyone, so neither can I grasp that fully (or at all). Sure, they have struggles and problems beyond just their physical and mental limitations brought on by their aging bodies and minds. Being with anyone almost all day almost every day for even a few weeks can be rough. I cannot imagine doing that for almost thirty years straight (that’s how long ago my Opa retired).

They have also managed various medical concerns and issues that have added significant amounts of stress for them, either directly for themselves and their own health or second-hand from another family member’s health here and there. And yet here they are, ninety years old, still walking around and driving themselves places and carrying on genuine and real conversations and taking care of themselves at home on a daily basis. At times, this frightens me – old age and people in it often have. I nonetheless am honored to be a selected part of their lives, and am grateful for the opportunity to have them in my life and for so long. They are extremely loving people who have taught me much in life, and who continue to love me and to teach me, and in many ways. I love them dearly.

Happy Birthday, Grandma.

And Happy Anniversary, Grandma and Opa.

😉

Post-a-day 2020

Not mine

I am growing increasingly fond of my own home. I say this cautiously, as I have a tendency to avoid the world outside, so to speak, when I reach that intense panic point of my OCD. However, that is not the same experience as what I am currently discovering and referencing. This current experience is one of noticing that I enjoy being in my own home, and that I prefer it to staying in other people’s homes (like my mother’s or my aunt’s house). I am not afraid of staying elsewhere or going elsewhere – there is no fear or overall stress involved in this experience. It is ease and delight that guide this experience for me, instead of agoraphobia or any other phobia. I just enjoy being in my own home.

I like tidying at home, or rearranging furniture, or just plain lying on my floor. I like having a space where I am surrounded by intentionally selected items, all of which, to some degree or other, bring me joy. And not, I have not yet completed the KonMari method. But, just from what I have done already, I can feel the space as one in which I like to spend my time. The only reasons I really even go to the common areas downstairs are because 1)that’s where the bathroom is, 2)that’s where the kitchen is, 3)my barbell just wouldn’t work on the third floor of an old house, and 4)the daytime lighting is spectacular down there. Otherwise, I’m not sure I ever would bother. And, on many days where I get to stay home, I don’t. I’ll spend almost the entire day up in my space. I supposed the only down side to this is that it is a lot harder to get myself outdoors when outdoors is neither very visible nor very accessible, three floors below. But I have been working on that lately.

Anyway, that’s just something I’ve been noticing tonight. I think there is an important balance between loving what I have around me and being attached to what I have around me. I have actively pursued appreciating the convenience of my own things while allowing other things to be what I use, and I feel that this has benefitted me greatly (as opposed to being upset at not having my own something or other, I make it work with what is available to me where I am, and acknowledge that, while my stuff would have been great, the current stuff will suffice for now).

At that, I’m off to bed in not my bed in not my house. I hope I sleep amazingly tonight and awaken rested and blessed with health, vitality, and energy for the day.

Post-a-day 2020

Bellyaching for sleep

Do you ever reach the point of being so tired that you feel like you might throw up? The body begins to collapse inward on itself, the stomach cavity begins to do a black hole kind of jig, and the esophagus begins to make itself known, deep down within the chest, as though in warning of the impending doom of a volcanic eruption brewing below the surface… this happens to me sometimes, when I am really, really in need of sleep. Not just an average long day here – an absurd kind of day, like a sleep of only a few hours, followed by a 20-hour day kind of day… like today… like right now.

The only remedy I have is to snuggle up under blankets and sleep as long as possible… which, really, makes perfect sense. You know, since my body is so exhausted in the first place, and the vomit feeling likely originates with that. 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Cold season

I think we have officially reached the time of year where I must be extremely careful and proactive with my hands. As it grows cooler and dryer outdoors, my hands, too, grow cooler and dryer… and begin to crack and bleed from that dryness.

So far, they are only really dry, and white in certain areas of extreme dryness, but they are not cracking and bleeding. So, that is good. I just found some new restorative lotion to use, and it just might be what my hands need this season. We shall see. A lot of it relies on my remembering to use it often and actually putting it on whenever I remember to use it, as well as my drinking lots of water. Fingers crossed that I succeed this year in keeping my hands warm and moist. I supposed this is just one of the odd side effects of living in such a humid climate. 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Home is where we are at ease

I guess one of the measures of knowing we feel truly at home somewhere is when we feel any sense of annoyance at having to stay the night away from that somewhere. My mom and I have to go out of town for the day tomorrow, and we are leaving around seven AM, so she convinced me to come stay at her house to get. It felt absurd to drive separately, and I didn’t want to deal with her constant complaints at ha but to drive an extra fifteen minutes to pick me up and drop me off on the way. (So, instead, I drove half an hour out here, to ride with her tomorrow an extra fifteen to twenty minutes each way, and then to drive myself the half hour home afterward… right?! And I’m the one who lives in the “inconvenient” place in town… closer to everything…)

Anyway, so I’m at my mom’s house… and I really just wish I were at home, in my own space and my own bed with my own decorations and systems and energy. I had a time this summer where I was very uncomfortable being alone at my place. This is the first time since then that I have noticed a distinct feeling of annoyance and disdain for having to stay at my mom’s instead of my place. Her house was my safe refuge before. Now, my space is my safe space, my oasis of calm, where I feel I belong.

And that is a very beautiful thing to discover for myself. I am extremely grateful.

Post-a-day 2020

Español

And suddenly I am using Spanish again. I had a desire to reply in Spanish the other night to a coworker’s message – I was only guessing from context that she spoke Spanish, of course, but it was a highly supported guess – and went with it. And we have been doing Spanish ever since. Yippee!

Yes, it has genuinely been fun for me. I haven’t used Spanish for real in so long, it has been slow-coming. But it is already faster now than it was two hours ago, and then even faster than it was the other day to start. This is a part of me that has been in waiting for quite a while, I think. She is ready to live vibrantly again, and much more so than way back when when I lived in Spanish as a child.

Let’s go, woman. Vamos, chica. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Running trauma

I ran again today, and much farther than the other two times from this past weekend. It is really cool to be able to run again. I am grateful and relieved. However, I have noticed that I definitely received some trauma from my fall six weeks ago (September 25th, y’all). When I run, I have a slight panic in my space, and I eye the ground with trepidation. It we better today than Sunday, and that was better than Friday. However, it is definitely there, that emotional and slight psychological trauma from such an intense and unreal fall and injury. I was actually scared to run on Friday, as soon as I started out. I took it easy and went slowly, but that wasn’t just to be gentle with my knees. I was scared. I eventually laughed at the point I found myself contemplating what running safety would or could be, because I knew I wasn’t going to wear it and I also knew that it would be ridiculous. (Basically, I imagined myself running in what I wear to ride my motorcycle, helmet and face mask and all, and I cracked up in delight as such an absurd idea. That helped with my fear somewhat, though it didn’t heal it.

Today, I was still scared when running, but the repeated activity was always becoming more casual and passive mentally, so my brain was able to relax some more for the run. It was a good time today.

Post-a-day 2020

I don’t do politics

I just would like to say this: This entire election has been a huge reminder of my utter dislike for and distaste in politics. I do not like it itself, I dislike how people behave around it, and I am heartbroken over how it divides us further and further.

Love is at the core of who we are in life – love is creation and all creation comes from love. Love is our true self, both the individual self and the whole universe and universal self. We are love.

And politics just seems to gives us all amnesia and a headache…

Ugh…

I am grateful I have remembered this, so I can stay away from it all for a while (and possibly forever) again… it was getting really rough for me there for a while. There’s a huge reason I stopped watching television and stopped watching the news years ago. I am a better person without them, and in so many ways, we could not possibly count them.

Thank you, God and Universe, for this insight and the strength and ability to do something about it for the betterment of myself and, therefore, my life and all those in it. Gratitude. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Election Day

I just want to say that, despite the qualms of the official leaders in this country, the fact that there is concern for rioting and people’s safety in the cities tonight, election night, suggests not that the elected leader is the real issue at hand, but that the people who cannot manage themselves are the issue. If people cannot be trusted to act appropriately, how can they expect anything better from anyone else in this culture and society?

I have always maintained that education – and more than mere math and science – real education is one of the most impactful and important things for a culture and society. Goodness, we could use some work on that right now and in the immediate future, for both children and adults.

This recent political arguing just seems so double-edged, so double-standard-y to me. That one could be forcefully attacked – and also constantly verbally attacked – for supporting one candidate over another just seems so unbelievably absurd to me… and yet it has happened over and over again, and from both sides.

We all know that change comes within, both on an individual and a group basis. So, perhaps, we would do better to focus our efforts within ourselves and within our immediate communities, than to be nasty and upset about the elected officials thousands of miles away.

Just an idea that has been remembering itself to me almost constantly, these past few years, and increasingly often these past few months and weeks.

Big siiiiggggghhhhhh

Post-a-day 2020