goals – Page 65 – hannah ananas

Not mine

I am growing increasingly fond of my own home. I say this cautiously, as I have a tendency to avoid the world outside, so to speak, when I reach that intense panic point of my OCD. However, that is not the same experience as what I am currently discovering and referencing. This current experience is one of noticing that I enjoy being in my own home, and that I prefer it to staying in other people’s homes (like my mother’s or my aunt’s house). I am not afraid of staying elsewhere or going elsewhere – there is no fear or overall stress involved in this experience. It is ease and delight that guide this experience for me, instead of agoraphobia or any other phobia. I just enjoy being in my own home.

I like tidying at home, or rearranging furniture, or just plain lying on my floor. I like having a space where I am surrounded by intentionally selected items, all of which, to some degree or other, bring me joy. And not, I have not yet completed the KonMari method. But, just from what I have done already, I can feel the space as one in which I like to spend my time. The only reasons I really even go to the common areas downstairs are because 1)that’s where the bathroom is, 2)that’s where the kitchen is, 3)my barbell just wouldn’t work on the third floor of an old house, and 4)the daytime lighting is spectacular down there. Otherwise, I’m not sure I ever would bother. And, on many days where I get to stay home, I don’t. I’ll spend almost the entire day up in my space. I supposed the only down side to this is that it is a lot harder to get myself outdoors when outdoors is neither very visible nor very accessible, three floors below. But I have been working on that lately.

Anyway, that’s just something I’ve been noticing tonight. I think there is an important balance between loving what I have around me and being attached to what I have around me. I have actively pursued appreciating the convenience of my own things while allowing other things to be what I use, and I feel that this has benefitted me greatly (as opposed to being upset at not having my own something or other, I make it work with what is available to me where I am, and acknowledge that, while my stuff would have been great, the current stuff will suffice for now).

At that, I’m off to bed in not my bed in not my house. I hope I sleep amazingly tonight and awaken rested and blessed with health, vitality, and energy for the day.

Post-a-day 2020

Childhood Christmas

I ordered several items of clothing for work last week. For whatever reason, they were all being shipped separately to my mom’s house. I was excited about them all, but bummed at all the packaging (mostly since they were coming from the same company), but figured it was due to the items being at different origins, and so was inevitable (not simply irresponsible).

Nonetheless, I found it funny that so many packages would be arriving to my mom’s house in sun quick succession. “It’ll be like Christmas!” I declared, laughing at the idea that I wouldn’t know what was what in all the packages, but that each one would be a delightful surprise (since I had selected each one intentionally for myself, but had ordered so many things that I could pretend to forget about what most of them were), as well as the fact that I would get to open them all at my mom’s house.

I shared this thought with my mom, and added that it’ll be just like Christmas when I was a kid, because I will open all my presents and start playing with them right then and there and have a merry time. She laughed and whatever-ed me, allowing my request to come over and ‘open presents’ the next week one day.

When I arrived today to ‘open my Christmas presents’ (from myself), my mom actually fussed at me for starting while she was still upstairs getting dressed. “I didn’t know you actually cared,” I said somewhat questioning.

“Yeah, I was gonna put on Christmas music while you opened everything.”

I was thrilled(!). She then put on a James Taylor Christmas album, I turned on the “fireplace”, and I showed her what I had already opened (just two things), before I preceded to open all the rest with us both in the living room together. And yes, I “played with my toys” (meaning I tried things on) there in the living room with her, and it was an extremely lovely time. I was super excited about my “presents”, and I loved sharing the experience and time with my mom. It really felt like a childhood Christmas for me. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Cold season

I think we have officially reached the time of year where I must be extremely careful and proactive with my hands. As it grows cooler and dryer outdoors, my hands, too, grow cooler and dryer… and begin to crack and bleed from that dryness.

So far, they are only really dry, and white in certain areas of extreme dryness, but they are not cracking and bleeding. So, that is good. I just found some new restorative lotion to use, and it just might be what my hands need this season. We shall see. A lot of it relies on my remembering to use it often and actually putting it on whenever I remember to use it, as well as my drinking lots of water. Fingers crossed that I succeed this year in keeping my hands warm and moist. I supposed this is just one of the odd side effects of living in such a humid climate. 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Brain waves: zero

Do you ever find yourself sitting down to do something, possibly late in the day or close to when planning to go to bed, and having no idea what on Earth you are supposed to be doing sitting there? Not because you don’t understand the process of the task, but because your brain has checked out and either is napping or has gone to bed for the night… without even fully forming the mental question of, ‘Why am I here?’, you have the sense of the question, the uncertainty and slight sense of being lost that go with it… and, rather than having various thoughts about why you might be here, your mind brainstorming the millions of possibilities as to why you have just set yourself here, your thoughts are just kind of off. The gasoline has run out, the power switch has been flipped – whatever the case, you find yourself sitting in front of something, with no idea as to why you are there, no thoughts to brainstorm your way through it, and no real understanding of what to do about the lack of knowing.

Well, whether you experience it or not, I most certainly do.

Post-a-day 2020

Home is where we are at ease

I guess one of the measures of knowing we feel truly at home somewhere is when we feel any sense of annoyance at having to stay the night away from that somewhere. My mom and I have to go out of town for the day tomorrow, and we are leaving around seven AM, so she convinced me to come stay at her house to get. It felt absurd to drive separately, and I didn’t want to deal with her constant complaints at ha but to drive an extra fifteen minutes to pick me up and drop me off on the way. (So, instead, I drove half an hour out here, to ride with her tomorrow an extra fifteen to twenty minutes each way, and then to drive myself the half hour home afterward… right?! And I’m the one who lives in the “inconvenient” place in town… closer to everything…)

Anyway, so I’m at my mom’s house… and I really just wish I were at home, in my own space and my own bed with my own decorations and systems and energy. I had a time this summer where I was very uncomfortable being alone at my place. This is the first time since then that I have noticed a distinct feeling of annoyance and disdain for having to stay at my mom’s instead of my place. Her house was my safe refuge before. Now, my space is my safe space, my oasis of calm, where I feel I belong.

And that is a very beautiful thing to discover for myself. I am extremely grateful.

Post-a-day 2020

Español

And suddenly I am using Spanish again. I had a desire to reply in Spanish the other night to a coworker’s message – I was only guessing from context that she spoke Spanish, of course, but it was a highly supported guess – and went with it. And we have been doing Spanish ever since. Yippee!

Yes, it has genuinely been fun for me. I haven’t used Spanish for real in so long, it has been slow-coming. But it is already faster now than it was two hours ago, and then even faster than it was the other day to start. This is a part of me that has been in waiting for quite a while, I think. She is ready to live vibrantly again, and much more so than way back when when I lived in Spanish as a child.

Let’s go, woman. Vamos, chica. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Money, money

$500 later, I expect next week will feel like childhood Christmas for me – lots of things ordered online last night and today, and all of them with a expectation of intense delight. I do not regret any of my purchases – not in the least. It is certainly more money than I typically spend… on anything. But I see great value in having all the items I purchased, they all bring me joy, and they handle my need to keep checking for things all the time (either online or in a store) anymore – I have them and it is all handled. I am both delighted at their future arrival, and relieved at having them all ordered and on the way. I am quite practical when it comes to things I buy and do not buy, so it is nice to be able to be so practical with all of this and have it handled already.

One odd part is that, likely due to the fact that they are all doing from different places, they are each being sent separately… so, not great in terms of packaging, but great in terms of t feeling even more like childhood Christmas! I won’t know what is in what. I have to wait almost a week for it all to arrive at my mom’s house, then go over there and have a present party. And I get to play with my new toys right when I open them, and forever afterward! Super excited. Happy Early Celebration to me. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Online shopping and Christmas Trees

It is absurdly late – 3:20 AM – and I am exhausted, but I have been online shopping discounts after having discovered my sizes in the store today. The discounts are amazing and so worth it. And that’s exactly why I wanted to do them tonight, instead of waiting until tomorrow, at which time they genuinely might be sold out of stock. It was also exciting to get myself some fun “presents”. But the pricing was amazing. Just amazing. I am extremely grateful.

Now, I shall rush to sleep for the brief period of time that remains to me before my alarms will sound in the morning (slash later this morning).

Super fun fact, though: I set up my “Christmas Tree” tonight!

Shown here:

I always have the white lights up, as they are like my lamps for my room. But I’m thinking of moving the white entirely, so it doesn’t clash with the tree. I wove it in a bit, instead of just having it cut straight through the tree, like it did in its original “lamp” position, but I’m thinking that isn’t enough.

I’ll contemplate it tonight and tomorrow, and see how I feel tomorrow night.

At that, I bid you a lovely and restful night! 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Running trauma

I ran again today, and much farther than the other two times from this past weekend. It is really cool to be able to run again. I am grateful and relieved. However, I have noticed that I definitely received some trauma from my fall six weeks ago (September 25th, y’all). When I run, I have a slight panic in my space, and I eye the ground with trepidation. It we better today than Sunday, and that was better than Friday. However, it is definitely there, that emotional and slight psychological trauma from such an intense and unreal fall and injury. I was actually scared to run on Friday, as soon as I started out. I took it easy and went slowly, but that wasn’t just to be gentle with my knees. I was scared. I eventually laughed at the point I found myself contemplating what running safety would or could be, because I knew I wasn’t going to wear it and I also knew that it would be ridiculous. (Basically, I imagined myself running in what I wear to ride my motorcycle, helmet and face mask and all, and I cracked up in delight as such an absurd idea. That helped with my fear somewhat, though it didn’t heal it.

Today, I was still scared when running, but the repeated activity was always becoming more casual and passive mentally, so my brain was able to relax some more for the run. It was a good time today.

Post-a-day 2020

Motorcycles and memory

There’s a guy at work who is getting a motorcycle next week, apparently. When he talks about ‘getting his motorcycle license’ and motorcycle, there’s a part of me that reacts with envious awe, “Woah… a motorcycle license… that’s cool… motorcycle,” placing the man temporarily on a shining white pedestal with a glowing golden spotlight on him.

But then, as I mentally gaze up at this god-like figure of a person (who is thus due to the motorcycle status, of course – nothing to do with his actual body or anything) surrounded by shining lights, another part of me slowly wakes up and says, “Uh… hello… it’s actually called a motorcycle endorsement, not a license…. And, heLLO, Banana: you have one of those… and you drive a motorcycle… derr… you dope.”

And then I just feel silly and giddy all at the same time, laughing at my odd forgetful moment and delighted in the recovery of the relevant memories and information.

I guess I am really cool still. And I still just keep forgetting how cool. B.A., really… in many ways, I am that shining person up on that pedestal. And that is totally baller. I am ever grateful for such beautiful blessings and opportunities in my life.

Thanks, bruh… I love you. 😉

Post-a-day 2020