Tag: crazy

The oddest things

*****Fair warning: Bodily content discussed in the following ********

I swear, for most of my life, I have wondered at the fact that my nipples look like they just might belong to two totally different people. One side is always one way, and the other side is always another way. They might as well be on two different bodies, the way they behave and stand and look. Sure, they’re related to one another. But they are not twins. Not in the least.

I wonder if Playboy (etc.) ever had to photoshop a nipple, because a model had a similar situation, and they just weren’t about it… ‘Nipples must match!’ they declared one day.

Okay, I am totally laughing at this image I have of a bunch of rich white guys in suits having this conversation in an office, just like they would have serious financial conversations in any fancy, multi-million-dollar business. And this one just happens to be about nipples. ::facepalm

Oh, man…

Literally. (Ha!)

Post-a-day 2021

^Nope, still had to think about it

Because I love it

Yesterday, I danced around to and sang along with a few of my favorite songs from the past several years, I made muffins, and I played music out on the front porch. Today, I sat and read from a book, and I am about to sit a read from another for a bit.

After a conversation on Monday, I am opening myself up, once again, to the possibility of doing things I love, simply because I love them. I must not do things only with the aim of something grander, or of gaining more money somehow… I somehow had forgotten that I could and that it actually is good for me to do things simply because I love doing them. I had disregarded the idea, for it was not practical enough, I suppose. But I had, in that, disregarded part of who I am, part of my self-expression. And so, when I recognized that on Monday, I saw what I wanted to do going forward.

The past two days have been like baby steps, I suppose, but I want to be sure I am incorporating these things into my daily life, not having them be a small stint that takes over everything for a short while, and then disappears completely. So, I also did some big deal cleaning up and unpacking that I had been somewhat avoiding, both yesterday and today, and that also felt really great. I was so focused on getting through the KonMari method as fast as possible, I had pushed aside most of the reasons I was even bothering to go through and tidy everything. A huge part of why I want my home tidy, is because I want to have time and space to enjoy the things I love. Therefore, I think it is important that I continue to do the things I love, rather than put all the good stuff on hold for two months while I sort out this other stuff. I don’t need this turning into another full-time teaching scenario, where it feels like my whole life is on hold, waiting for me on the other side somewhere, and then I often end up too tired to do anything by the time I get there.

Life is now. I can enjoy things now while still working towards the improvements I want for everything and for myself. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Post-a-day 2021

^Almost put 2022, again ::facepalm

A year ago

A year ago today, I was still on the high that arose from the musical on which my mom had been working and with which I had been helping. It is a glorious musical, and it was brand new. Its opening night never even happened, as they had to cancel everything after the dress rehearsals. It was, nonetheless, a lovely show with wonderful music and some stellar cast members and voices. One in particular actually made me cry several times – and I have a hunch that it would do it again, if I were to hear it sing those certain songs today – and two others were absurdly lovely and inspirational. The show came to mind the other day, and I pulled out my music notes for it today, and I sat on my front porch swing, playing through and singing some of the songs… just like I was doing a year ago, possibly on this exact date.

And I didn’t even plan it.

Kind of cool, huh?

And simultaneously quite sad, considering it might as well be a year ago right now regarding the show. At least then, there were prospects of eventually having an opening night, possibly later in the year. Now, it seems far too uncertain as to whether the show even will happen again, and most certainly not with the same cast, and not necessarily even in Houston. Man…

Well, with that, I go to bed. Goodnight, folks. May we all have lovely nights to follow my lovely day. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

^Not too hard

Bravery, or Self-Expression and Self-Love?

Have you ever done something, and then thought afterward that you must have been so brave to have done it? And then, have you ever noticed that, since bravery and courage require action in the ace of fear, you had not actually been brave at all? You had had no fear, and thus had had no need for bravery. You merely acted comfortably and confidently from within yourself, truly and honestly so…, and so you saw no fear, had no fear to overcome. You were already above any possible fear simply by being yourself fully.

Golly, is that a spectacular feeling, especially after the fact, realizing that who I was was enough for me to be comfortable and at ease and confident in a situation in which I traditionally would have been afraid, and would have needed courage. It makes me wonder if, perhaps, instead of more courage in this world, we could really use some more self-knowing and genuine, love-filled self-expression…

That would be an interesting world, indeed. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

^Definitely had to focus

Today

I have hit a wall with my daily life. With the freeze and its nonsense, I only made it through the sorting part of the KonMari method. That was my true requirement goal by my birthday, so I did achieve that goal. However, I had intended and planned to finish tidying completely by March 12, and that did not happen.

Various factors contributed to that, and that is okay. I have allowed myself to be stopped by those factors, and that is the scariest part of it all. It calls into question whether I truly am ready for this, and ready for what comes out of this. And I think today helped me to see that all clearly for myself. The biggest thing is that I am scared. Just like how not exercising Saturday and Sunday makes it somehow extremely difficult to get myself back into the gym on Monday, having those days off leading up to my birthday made it extremely difficult for me to get back into all the work that awaited me back home. Add onto that that I also had to unpack everything from the week-long stay, and I had an overwhelming amount of work to do at home. And I let myself be overwhelmed by and stopped by it.

I am now back home after the March 12 weekend trip, and I am truly feeling the strain that could be my daily life going forward. I lost sight of my goals with the tidying. And I saw that today. I also saw how losing sight of the tidying goals had affected me in other areas of my life. I had been free and easy and interested in the online dating platform, but now it has been intensely stressful, and so I have mostly avoided it. I was comfortable on my own in a day before, and would take myself outside to walk or run, just so I could be outdoors for a while each day; now I am not doing any of that, and I feel a strain underneath everything every day. I mean, come on, I got myself a minor virus and a resulting butt rash – how can one possibly argue that I am not stressed?

And I haven’t even had a busy schedule lately. I even watched two whole series online. I don’t do that unless I’m miserable, by the way. One show, if it’s short, and I can do it in a single day or day and a half of exhaustion, sure. More than that, and you can bet that I am avoiding life somehow, either consciously or unconsciously. I spent an extra four days of time devoted to watching these shows – I was borderline depressive here, and definitely avoiding things.

Now, I’ve gone through another couple vacuums of the baking soda that is soaking up the petroleum-based oil from the oil heater that exploded by my bed (and all over a shelf). (Unfortunately, the dry-wet-vac started spewing baking soda all over part of my room on the last set, so I have a bit more of that still to clean up, and then I need to empty the vacuum tomorrow before using it again.) I will aim to get at least one more round done tomorrow, if not two. Hopefully, that will allow me to clean up the shelf tomorrow or the next day, and start using it soon. I need to wash the sheets and stuffed animals that got the oil all over them, and I would like to do that in the next couple days, or four at most.

I also cleaned out and put away today my large suitcase from the recent trip. I want to finish unpacking the remaining items, and to put away the smaller suitcase tomorrow. I have photos I am going to do tomorrow, probably for a few hours, but I want at least to get that done, because it is doable. The main thing I can’t do is finish sorting where to put what of my clothes and such right now, because an entire storage shelf is out of order, due to the oil spill. So, while I’m sill sorting out the oil spill stuff this week, I want to handle the smaller things that I can handle right now. And unpacking is one of those things. So is washing those sheets.

I pulled up the dreamboard I had made for my tidying process today, and it almost made me cry. It is so lovely and so much of what I want in my life. And I had gotten scared and stepped away from it. But I made myself look at it today, and that was a very good idea. It reminded me not only of exactly what I want, but how much I truly do want it.

So, giddy up, partner. You can do this, my love.

Post-a-day 2021

^Barely a pause, but a pause nonetheless

Saturday, in the bar(??)

Okay, so it seems to be as I had thought already: the rash on my bum etc. is very likely due to the bit of virus I have going on inside my body right now. Kind of like how people can get rashes with, say, scarlet fever, this is the body’s reaction to whatever is going on inside in the waging battle. That was already the source of whatever was going on with my arm and the rest of my muscles, their being extremely and unexplainable tight (pre-virus idea). (Seriously, though, stretches I do every night before bed, I was struggling to do at all, let alone to the degree that I do them almost every night – I was unexplainably tight all over my body.) At least, that’s how everything seems according to the holistic nutritionist (aka holistic doctor), whom I saw for a quick check-up this evening. I am to let him know if the rash worsens at all or does not go away in the next week. That alone, knowing that someone more knowledgeable it available and willing to help me, gives me much ease around this. The treatment he gave me, as well, has eased my mind and body immensely, too. And so, I believe I will sleep very, very well tonight. (Thank you, God.)

Separately, we had a social for my gym this afternoon at an outdoor bar between me and the gym. It was incredibly nice weather, and the company was lovely, and I truly enjoyed my time. I didn’t talk to loads of people, but I did circle a touch and interact with many. I did not hold myself back, and I also allowed myself to interact only where and when I actually wanted to interact with people. And it was awesome.

When I first arrived, a guy asked for and then scammed my driver license on a handheld device. He explained to me about the icehouse’s(?) being in a dry part of town (that’s normal, by the way), and do it required a free membership in order to buy alcohol. I declined the membership, and told him that I don’t drink, and so don’t need it. He seemed extremely doubtful, and, though he said ‘okay,’ he proceeded to inform me that I would not be allowed to buy a drink, if I went to the bar and tried to get one.

…….

Uh, okay….? I don’t drink alcohol… my non-drinking is not going to disappear in thirty minutes or something… it’s kind of a standard by which I live every day of my life….

It had me wonder how many idiot college kids he got in there who tried not to have the membership and then buy alcoholic beverages after entering. Super facepalm…

Later, it had me thinking about AA-type people who don’t drink for intense reasons, but then I recalled that those people would be rather unlikely to be visiting a bar in the jest place. But then, here was I, one who dislikes bars and doesn’t drink alcohol (or probably anything else they would serve), walking into this outdoor bar for my gym social. I was there for the people and the water, not the alcohol etc. Who’s to say longer-time AA folks wouldn’t be capable of doing the same thing? Although, I do admit fully that it would not be common. Same with pregnant women.

Anyway, that was silly.

At the end of the social, a small group was going to eat, and I was invited to join them. I easily joined them for the food, and I had a lovely time talking with and spending time with all of them then (as we hadn’t talked much or at all at the earlier part). When they continued on to somewhere else for more drinking (still outdoors and all), I comfortably declined and wished them a lovely rest of their day and evening/night, as I headed out. It is lovely not having regrets after group interactions like that. And it is especially so for me, when the setting is one in which I previously have had those regrets. I was myself today, and I was comfortable in who I am. It was spectacular.

And a tiny fun bit to it all: We all got sunburned. And some of us badly…. But we are fit half-lobsters! 😛

Today was really great, and I am entirely grateful for it.

Gratitude, God. Thank you.

Post-a-day 2021

^Meh… had to consider

Hmm

Well, I still have the rash. I think the next step is to get baby diaper rash cream tomorrow. I will be in the same place as my mom at one point, so I’ll see if she will take a look at it to give her confirmation on the potential diagnosis of diaper rash. If she does confirm, I’ll move forward with that treatment pathway. If she finds it to be different than she expected, then I’ll use whatever knowledge she has to guide my next steps.

Fingers crossed!!

Post-a-day 2021

^Only a slight hesitation that time

Pluses and minuses

Okay, I exercised again today. I was very aware of my bottom throughout several parts of the workout, wondering if my rash was doing okay, or if it was worsening. So, I was a bit stressed about that, off and on. Plus, ditto regarding my arm/elbow muscle situation. Depending on how everything looks and feels tomorrow, that will determine my next steps with each. I am really, really hoping that they both clear up by tomorrow night.

Ugh… speaking of tomorrow night, I have to work at that part-time job. And it is for a very long time. And it is until very late. I go to bed by nine pm usually. My body wakes me up before five am each morning. It is already dreadful whenI have to work until eight pm once a week. Tomorrow, I have to work until eleven pm. I won’t be in bed until midnight, best case scenario, which means I won’t even get five hours of sleep. What’s extra annoying is that I am given a mandatory 30-minute “meal break”, because I am scheduled to work for so long tomorrow night. I don’t even eat after five pm, even on my latest of days eating. Usually, it is three pm.

Ugh. The lack of sleep is definitely not going to help my current physical state. Really, it just makes me so frustrated that I want to cry.

Post-a-day 2021

Seriously?!

****Body issues in the following text – be forewarned!!****

I have a ridiculous rash and a strained muscle, so I can’t exercise, and I’m quite stressed today. What is going on with my body right now?

?????!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh!

It’s like a diaper rash, and is along my bum crack. It is possibly from not showering right away after exercising Monday afternoon, but we really aren’t sure. I’ve spent most of the day on my side, letting the area air out and, hopefully, dry out enough. I put some remedy stuff on it all, but I very much dislike being without underwear or pants/shorts/bottoms of some sort, so that has added an extra layer of annoyance to my day. The one positive about it is that it doesn’t actually hurt or itch, the rash, which is a positive sign. However, it is still a rash, and that is not good.

Ugh…

Post-a-day 2021

Ouch

It seems that I might have strained a muscle that runs through my elbow last week. When I stretched before getting out of bed one morning, I yelped in pain and automatically yanked my arms back inward from the stretch. It has felt like something had just suddenly bitten me just above my elbow, in the direction of my tricep, etc. Something was definitely not okay.

I checked in with my mom on what to do – she’s a massage therapist – and she had little advice. I then checked with my aunt, who does a more rehabilitation type of massage therapy, and she gave me some things to do to see if I could handle whatever it was that was wrong. I did those, and they helped significantly. However, they didn’t heal the issue completely, only improved upon it. I could now stretch farther before the biting sensation would arise, but it still inevitably felt like a spider was attacking the back of my upper arm, whenever I got it into certain positions or used it in certain ways, all of them normal parts of any regular day for me.

Now, several days later, I have seen a chiropractor, and, though he only had a few brief moments to check it out, he thinks it might be strained. But it was definitely right, he said. Being a holistic nutritionist, he gave me a sort of regime to follow to see if my elbow issue can sort itself out in the next few days. If it doesn’t, though, he said to go back to see him on Saturday, when he’ll be able to spend more time on it all with me. I stayed away from the gym today, because so much of it was about pushing with the arms (bench press and push press and all that jazz), and I had barely been able to do the super light push presses last week already. Plus, it just seemed like the rest would be a good idea for my arm. I am following what the chiropractor/nutritionist said to do, so we shall see what happens tomorrow and if things improve – I certainly hope they do, and quickly. Things like this can grow rather scary. As it stands, I keep checking if my arm is swollen or red, because it feels like my arm is both in that area just above my elbow on the back side of my arm. And it feels consistently so. Even when I touch it gently, it hurts pointedly, like a burning sensation on my skin, though it is the muscle underneath that is so tender and sore.

Man… God, help me heal, please, that I may be fully fit to do my work here. Thank you for all. Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

^Still had to think about it carefully while typing it