emotions – Page 119 – hannah ananas

Get Frozen

And the thunder rolls, and the storm inside prepares to release all hell on us all, a full-force gale to accompany the downpour… you can see the purples and grays, mounting their downward attack… the daunting sky above reflects perfectly what is inside…

And then you have a choice.

You can let the storm explode with its full fury, or you can let it pass…

You can be right about all of your negative, self-degrading thoughts, or you can let them go…

But it is up to you… your life is up to you, and my life is up to me.

I can battle the storm inside, or I can just let it all go, already…

I guess, if I hold on to it all, I get to be right about not being wanted, I get to be a victim, and I get to justify my hurt.

If I let it go, though, I can be free of it, and I can be free to move on to anything I want – I no longer have to be controlled by this…

And this might turn out all right after all, but panicking and building this storm of stress and emotions won’t help it to work out…

So, I guess I am letting it go…

Haha.

Okay.

I accept.

🙂

P.S. As though in universal support of my resolution here, I opened my e-mail to find this daily message for today(!!!):

Post-a-day 2020

Are you game?

I am somewhat terrified (though not in any life-threatening way) for tomorrow and onward.

I don’t date people… I just don’t.

Men don’t ask me out, I don’t ask them out, and we don’t go out.

…

Yet, here I am, scheduled to meet a person for brunch – I also don’t go eat with people when I don’t know how they eat, physically (can’t stand smacking and all sorts of nonsense) – for, well, a date that, well, I asked him to go on with me.

Have I gone mad?

I am so particular, and also so panicky about all of this business…

We (meaning my friend) put me on the dating apps, and it stressed me out so much, I couldn’t take it.

And I didn’t even go on any dates from them(!), but I just needed to be removed from them.

And I think they scared me.

I have it in my head that things will be easy with the person meant for me, and that’s totally okay.

But I also have this desire to date people – like the concept of going on dates and being giddy and silly and flirty and having fun and learning all about someone else, and then also just having someone to go do something with me, to spend time with me.

One side of me wants to go date all over the place, but another wants to be reserved, to stay away, to wait with utter loyalty for the one meant for me…

The parable where the one guy goes and buries the money, while the other two invested their shares, and he returns just the original amount to the master, but the others return more, due to interest from their investments, and the master fusses at him for his poor judgement of what was best to do with the money… comes to mind…

If I sit quietly, safely, alone and underground, I will not improve upon myself and I will have significantly less to offer when that someone comes to retrieve me, so to speak – I would have so much less to offer my partner whenever we did get together.

So, it makes sense to invest myself, again, so to speak…

But I also am terrified of hurting the other person I date – I hate rejection, but I also hate rejecting… my usual tactic is to avoid the whole situation by figuring out ahead of any dating opportunity that the person and I are not meant for each other, and then making sure no date ever comes of it…

And I don’t want to be hurt myself… I don’t want to be rejected myself… as much as I don’t want to have to ‘let him down easy,’ as we say, I don’t want to be ‘let down’ at all… I’ve had enough of that experience in my life already, especially with guys… I don’t want any more of it.

But it is just like the job interview, as my mom and I always discuss before I have an interview… I want to get this, because I think it would be amazing, but I want to be true to myself and I want to get it because I am good for it – if I would not be good for it and would end up miserable in it, I want not to get it… if they do not want me, then it is good that they reject me, because it is not the place for me, and it is not a good place for me, either… If they accept me, it is because I am perfect for it, and things will be amazing… if they reject, it is because something better awaits me… I need not put any extra stress, emphasis, or meaning onto the interview (e.g. That I have to get this, or that it means I suck if I don’t get this, etc.)… however it turns out is perfect for me and my life, and I will be heading perfectly to where I need to be next in life.

This whole dating thing, I think can be like that for me… if we are meant to be together, we will be; if we are not, we won’t be…, either way is perfect.

We are on this date for some reason, and there is something wonderful to get out of it, including its being a wonderful opportunity to learn about and get to know another human being in the intimacy of a one-on-one experience (something of which we seem to do far too little in this life)… if nothing else, that is a good enough reason to go on this date.

I think that is actually why I wanted this date: He attracts me, and I want to see why, I want to learn about him, to satisfy the curiosity that called me so strongly to him as to want to spend one-on-one time with him.

Wanting to spend one-on-one time with someone doesn’t mean we have to kiss or have sex or anything at the end of it – it is truly just an opportunity to have uninterrupted interaction with one another… and I think that is one of the most important parts of this for me to get… I can go on a date and not have to kiss the guy at the end… and I can even talk about that with him, and even at the beginning.

It’s kind of like how I told this one friend-ish acquaintance straight up, “I’m not having sex with you,” and he understood and was not offended, and we still spent and spend time together, one-on-one, despite my clear declaration… hmm…

Wow… is it really an expectation of a kiss (etc.) that most stresses me about dating?… that I would be declared overly chaste and wuss and whatever afterward?

Hmm… I might have something there…

But what if I already do want to kiss him?… and I end up not wanting to kiss him later on, after we spend more time together?… is it okay to back away some, to remove the kissing from the table, while still being amicable, friends, even?

I guess that would be part of the conversation to be had to begin it all… establishing expectations, concerns, goals, and anything else that needed to be said before diving into the date fully…

Actually, I really like that idea… I had thought of it before, but not in such clarity and with such specific reasoning behind it… now I need to make sure this happens tomorrow, before our date begins fully…

Yes, I am game (and it seems like it will be very fun to play). 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

The Music

What would I be without music?

So many vocabulary words, concepts, and emotional states were learned through Disney songs in my childhood… that free, full, and flying experience I feel in so much of John Denver’s music… the inner pain of Jim Croce’s “Operator”… the joyful youth found through Backstreet Boys and N’Sync… the easy, fun anger of Avril Lavigne… the empowering, flowing connection with the divine found in so many religious and spiritual songs… the calm, determination I find in Enya… the uplifting tears of “Claire de lune” (on piano, not orchestra)… the fears felt in Fantasia 2000… the hoppy joy of Steve Martin on the banjo… the expression of my own anguish, released in Superchick’s “Beauty from Pain”… the community through loss in The Dixie Chicks’ “Travelin’ Soldier”… the rush of delight up my spine from “Rhapsody in Blue”… and every emotion I have ever known, each found in this song or another, somewhere perfectly expressed…, if even in my own music… dancing allowed and encouraged by music… connecting with others through music, through making music together, through sharing music… spoken languages learned through music… things memorized, facts and stories learned through music… not to mention the constant whistling…

I don’t know where or what I would be without music, but I cannot imagine it would be much of a place worth being…, and I cannot see myself anywhere in it – so much of who I am is from and found in music…

It is, in a way, my life… music…

That and gelato… 😛

Nah, that’s just a joke, but it reminded me of the lovely stracciatella I discovered in Rome, which is something I would like to bring back into my life. 😛

Joking aside, though, much of my life has been formed by music… so many memories of listening to and eventually singing along to musicals in the car with my mom when I was little, playing music with my extended family at gatherings, listening to music with my tape player or walkman or CD player during car rides, dancing – especially dancing – all the time… these are all precious memories for me, and they all are, though it may seem unlikely, moments that impacted who I was and who I became out of the situation… and strongly so…

Music is everywhere for me; around me, within me… it is a huge part of who I am.

And I am extremely grateful for it.

There is so much more I would like to say on this specific topic, but, after a three and a half hour distraction that started at 22:58 tonight, I really just need to go to sleep, instead… so, I finish for now with the following:

And I say thank you for the music

The songs we’re singin’

Thanks for all the joy we’re bringin’

Who can live without it,

I ask in all honesty

What would life be

Without a song or a dance

What are we

So, I say thank you for the music

For giving it to me

-ABBA

Post-a-day 2020

What a day(!!!)

Today was my cousin’s birthday, March 8th.

I spent it in one of my favorite places in life: inside a theatre during one of their final rehearsals.

I absolutely loved where I was.

I trusted myself to be myself, and I was myself.

And then(!) (And Thennnn, and, gentlemen, and Theeennnnnn!!!), I asked out one of the actors.

Yep.

I actually did that, asked someone to go out with me.

I met him over a year ago, and wanted to date him instantly, but he was unavailable.

I placed the desire and the somewhat intense, actually, longing way off to the back and side of my mind, and I moved onward in life, only just slightly and occasionally wondering a version of, ‘What if…?’ around him.

And then, this Friday, I learned that he was not in that committed relationship from over a year ago anymore.

And my heart and lungs did a sort of flex and surge simultaneously, and I suddenly couldn’t stop wondering if he were seeing anyone at all now…, if he might not be available…, if he might have the potential of being interested in me…

For I was clear that I was still interested in him.

I’m pretty sure I wrote about him on here, even, and I still would say the same points of interest again now – if not even more. (Yep, I totally did, though only briefly.)

And so, after rehearsal, I called him to the side, away from anyone else – because I was not having this conversation with anyone else around, but I could not let myself go another two days without knowing, without doing something about this possibly spectacular opportunity that had just presented itself to me – and I asked him if he was seeing anyone right now (“Nope”), and then asked him out (“Yeah. Definitely.”), and it was terrifying and relieving and totally lovely.

When my mom came walking past shortly afterward – I had been on-task for her, helping with props, when I had talked to him, and I still was working (not terribly distractedly) when she came by – I said to her only, “I asked him out,” and she chuckled slightly.

“And?” She knew whom I meant.

“Yeah. Definitely.” I couldn’t even try to hide the smile on my face, if I had wanted, it was so big. 😛

After we’d finished all of our tasks for the night, and my mom was accompanying me as I unlocked and readied the Vespa, she looked him up OnLine(!), and started telling me facts all about him… as if it weren’t already going to be hard enough for me not to think about him constantly for the next 48 hours until I see him again (and then, who knows how long after that, too), now she was feeding me all the stalker girl information I could want (and would have barred myself from researching myself, because I never research a person I actually like)!

So, that was nuts but delightful.

All of it, actually.

What’s more, I’m pretty sure he’s younger than I am (though not by much), so I’m kind of rocking the cougar train, I guess… makes it all the more fun, I dare say…, because it truly is fun…

For the first time, I feel like I am truly trusting and being myself fully in such a situation with a man – I have spent so much time being worried around men, for all sorts of reasons, and tonight, at last, I was comfortable with myself and confident in myself FULLY…, and I acted accordingly, and asked out what seems to me to be an amazing man.

At the very least, he keeps eye contact in conversation, and it melts your heart every time (well, mine, anyway).

Eat your heart out… 😛

(I mean that as an endearing phrase from a beloved film, and not as anything else, just so we’re clear.)

Man…, I am so freed for myself, and joyed at my being myself – go you, Banana.

I love you, and I am so proud of you for taking care of you today.

My kakizome for this year are 自信と心 jishin to kokoro Self-trust/Self-confidence and Heart… they are my intentions, my goals, my points of practice for the year, and I really experienced and emulated them today and tonight.

No matter what specifically happens with him, this is all going to be great, and it is definitely a beautiful step for me in being the person, the woman, I want to be. 😉

Bravery and Beauty, Banana… bravery and beauty… 🙂

Wow… what a day.

Happy Birthday to my Cousin, and Happy Day to Me!(!!!!!!!!!!!) ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Love, love, love me, myself, and I

Wow… people really do like me.

And I mean me…

Not some fancified, put-on version of myself… just the real version, myself, me.

I met some people yesterday, some for the first time and some for not the first but a not-long-after-first time, and I just was myself – I was free to be myself, and I was just that.

And it was easy.

And I was surprised at how much certain of those people seemed to like me.

Today, I continued to let everything else be out of the way, and I was simply myself, without concern about it – almost without even thinking about it or noticing it – and, well, I had even more people express clear like of me, some of them blatant and direct about it… others subtle and indirect about it, yet still very obvious to me… they like me.

Me.

And it seemed like, for some of them, anyway, they like me a lot…

Wow.

It has me wonder about when I am interested in a guy and he doesn’t seem to be interested in me… there are plenty of wonderful people who genuinely like and love me for exactly who I am…, perhaps, if this guy isn’t interested in me, in who I am, then he just isn’t worth it, isn’t worth the time and consideration from me…, because I am amazing, and there will be amazing people to love me, always… I believe that.

If this guy doesn’t love me, then maybe he isn’t meant to love me – maybe his focus is meant to be elsewhere for some reason or other, allowing me to have my own focus elsewhere, not on him… so just let it go, and move onward…

I guess…

At the very least – and what I think is most important here, now that I am getting to it – I would do well to remember that I am not only lovable and likable, but I am loved and I am liked, even if it isn’t by this particular person… I am worth it… just perhaps this particular relationship is not…

Yes, that… that is a very good point for me to make for myself and to remember…

🙂

People love me, for me… I can be myself, and life will be lovely and love-filled in my world, even and especially when parts seem to suck.

Yup.

Post-a-day 2020

Thump-thump, to the beat

Once again, my heart is ablaze at the sound of the same man’s voice…

I first heard him sing just over a year ago, amidst a chorus-filled song, when his crystalline voice suddenly, and seemingly out of nowhere, pierced through the rest, and took my heart with it as its reverberations dissipated through the room…

To me, it was the voice of a man delighted and in love, sharing his delight with the world.

Today, and this week, hearing it again, I cannot but feel my entire stomach convulse and my heart pause in awe, before thumping with intensity and fervor, longing to follow and to stay with such a voice, such an expression.

His voice has my heart forever, I declared… and I told it to him, too, even before hearing him sing again today… that’s how lovely it is, and how strongly it sticks in my memory.

It’s funny what I thought of while considering it all afterward… when I lived in Japan, there was a brief time, shortly after moving there, that I had two phone buddies who also had just moved there.

One of them and I had both procured guitars, and so, one night, while talking, instead of hanging up and having to call back after her shower, the friend just left the phone on speaker, and I practiced some guitar and singing.

We joked that I was serenading her during her shower (which led to the telling of another silly story from college of my doing something similar).

When I told later my other phone buddy, he jokingly yet in earnest asked where his serenading was.

And so, one night before bed, I sang him some music… naturally, with its being just before bed and his being who he is, he fell asleep while I sang to him.

Basically, as we say now, I sang him to sleep.

And so, today, after hearing this tantalizingly beautiful voice sing, I recalled my phone buddy’s demanding question, and I found myself saying (silently to myself, that is) that I want to have his voice sing me to sleep at night… oh, couldn’t I, please?

You can just call me every night before you go to bed, if I haven’t called you yet (because I tend to go to bed at all different hours, depending on the week), and you can just sing me a lovely little song, and then we’ll hang up and I’ll go directly to sleep.

Done.

Easy peasy.

Let’s do it.

Let me have your number – here’s mine.

Date whomever you want; just call me every night to sing to me.

😂

So, yeah… those were my thoughts all afternoon…

Post-a-day 2020

A call to love

I am feeling more and more clearly called to go do a specific something that, though it sounds crazy, seems and feels good to do…

The circumstances that keep coming to mind around the event are a bit unusual for me, but I am not opposed to them – I accept that they are entirely possible, and, even possible to go exactly as my mind keeps glimpsing them to me.

I am being vague, but it is merely for the privacy that I believe another deserves.

We are all, after all, humans, and I believe, as Thomas J. and the rest said so long ago, that being human has certain unalienable rights… including, in my words, a right to love and to be loved.

And so, with that thought in mind, I pursue gently this lead that keeps popping into my head… if it works out easily, it is meant to be; if I end up fighting in the matter, I trust that I am meant to let the idea go.

It is not always easy to act with love being the first in mind, the guiding force…, but I believe with my whole experience, my whole life, my whole being, that love is truly the way to go about it all, 100%… and so, I persist.

I shall give love, and I shall listen to God and the silent whispers of the angels around me to guide me to the best way that I can give love in this particular situation (and in all others, but I am acutely aware of this one at the moment), and I will do my best to do whatever that is.

Fingers crossed, prayers out there, God help me to love truly.

Post-a-day 2020

Accepting love

“You never answered my question… If I ever end up in trouble, can I say that you are my lawyer?”

Leaning against the wall, part stretching and part supporting a tired body post-workout, he shakes his head slowly, looking down.

He turns his eyes to me, and says calmly, “I’m all yours,” still slowly shaking his head.

………

And it is a form of love I have only recently been able to acknowledge and to allow myself to experience and embrace, this statement of his.

He is not trying to get anything out of me… he just loves me.

But I can see it now: people love me, and for me.

Not for anything else – not for my ability at the gym, or how quickly or effectively I can quip, or how much money I make, or what work I do… people love me for me, for what is inside, and for what I bring forth to the world around me just by letting everything else go and being genuine and true…

People love me, and honestly so.

Post-a-day 2020

From nothing to something

It’s funny how the biggest and smallest of things can all tie back to the tiniest of events.

For example, tomorrow, I have an interview for a job that, temporary as it will be, will require me to wear the traditional business attire for about three months straight, at least five days a week.

I don’t own enough variety for that… I don’t even own enough pants to make it through a week of that.

That has never been my style of job or workplace.

But, because of this crazy series of connections, it seems to be my projected future these next three-ish months.

And that business clothing situation is caused by my connection to Japan via the program in which I participated while living there… a time that was invaluable in my life and that helped me develop more into the person I wanted to be than I ever really expected was possible…

And the whole reason I got to have that transformative experience was because of a simple phone call I had with an old professor of mine a few years back, in which she asked me a question, and then I broke down crying, and then she asked me another question…

And that came about because, despite my intention of applying to ten different colleges and universities, I read the letter from the president of the one college, and knew instantly that that was where I was going to school, and so I applied to nowhere else (risky, I know, but I was clear).

And the whole reason I studied so much French when I got there was because I didn’t want to lose what I had worked so hard to learn in high school…

And the whole reason I studied French in high school was because it had a cooler accent than spoken Latin would have…

And I can go back further, even, but I’ll leave it for now…

So, I am about to have a really neat yet temporary job that requires a bunch of work clothes I don’t have, and I had the greatest breakthrough in my life, all because French has a cooler accent than Latin…

Essentially, I find it funny, as shown in this example, that the smallest of things can lead us to the biggest or smallest of things in life… you never know what will take you where…

It has me wonder now, what my activities and choices today will create for my future self… can I take on a better attitude now that will prove exponentially better for me in the future, perhaps?

(I ask this question because I have found myself being quite negative as of late, and I am not enjoying it, nor am I liking it.)

Let’s consider that tonight, and see what my dreams bring me by morning…

Goodnight, Dear World… hasta mañana. 😉

P.S. I heard someone singing in rehearsal for a new musical today, and my heart went all melty – I swear, my heart belongs to his voice always and forever(!)… also, go see the show, if you can.

Post-a-day 2020

Perfect timing: a quote

This makes perfect sense! I got so stuck in my troubles, I didn’t even think to consider that this might be the case.

Fortunately, I came across this by a crazy string of atypical steps just now, and have read it.

This is my life right now!

No wonder I feel so totally and absurdly insane… ‘How was your birthday?’… Commence practically breaking down into tears at my confusion as to how to answer… ‘It was okay, I guess…, good, even…, but I’m such a mess inside my head right now, I hardly can focus beyond this morning, let alone a few days ago, and the stress of my current brain agreements is driving me insane, and I just feel kind of worthless and a total failure about half the time right now…’

Not exactly the way to reply to such a question, right?

Anyway, it’s what has kind of happened… multiple times…

But the quote tonight has it all make sense to me suddenly, and in a way I am almost surprised I hadn’t considered already, as it is typically the kind of thing I would consider.

This was the quote I read:

Every time you embody life light, it brings up unprocessed emotions and situations that still need to be shifted from the past. We level up, then take a few steps back in order to transcend the stuck energy. You are not regressing – this is part of the growth process.

(Slight edits in punctuation were made by me.)

(Posted by M. Savino, and shared further by a friend of a friend)

Post-a-day 2020