Tag: emotions

Returning

I’ve worked out normally again for the past three days, and it has been marvelous. I have been so sore that I moan and groan every time I go to sit on the toilet or bend over. My hamstrings in particular are shaking like they haven’t in a long, long time. It is much like when we first started working out – and that same friend is doing the sprite with me now – and it is amazing. We both are hurting in such a good way, and it feels oh-so-good to be back.

And it feels like I’m actually being myself again, which makes it all the better.

Thank you, God. And thank you, friend. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

So far, so right

I got an interview today. It was short and sweet and to the point, and I very much enjoyed it. It seems to have gone well. We shall see what comes next.

But I know things would have been different for me today with this interview if I hadn’t stood my ground yesterday (and, possibly, earlier this week).

Thank you, God, for helping me to trust in you. Please, continue to do so – continue to make it clear for me which way you are calling me in each moment. Help me to pursue you and your will as also my own. Help me to love and to be loved, with and through you always. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

P.S. I really would like to get this job, just so we’re all clear.

Pulled

God is calling me, encouraging me to take a stand, yet something, too – the devil, perhaps? – is pulling me to feel guilty at this desire to stand for myself, to stand my ground, to stick with what feels right, though it may seem selfish at a glance.

I cannot explain it any other way right now, but it feels like God is calling me to be here right now.

Ironically, I was just sharing Sunday how I’ve determined that I need to trust wholly whatever call I feel from God right now, as that will lead me to where I need to be. And now, mere days later, I am having to do just that in a very difficult way, and I almost didn’t stand up for it.

Post-a-day 2023

Uhm… seriously?

I asked for a quick back rub before I went to sleep and he went for his run. He asks if he can do it when he gets back instead (knowing full well that I’ll be asleep, and he’ll be able to do it or not, and I wouldn’t know the difference). ‘So I can’t enjoy or even know about it??’ He laughs and comments about my face, adding that my face ‘says it all.’ ‘Of course it does,’ I tell him as he walks down the hallway, ‘Honesty and transparency are important in a relationship.’ He chuckles.

And then he actually leaves. He doesn’t even say he’s leaving or give me a goodbye kiss. He just leaves.

He must really hate rubbing my back. :/

::big sigh…

Post-a-day 2023

Preferences or pickiness?

Growing up, I had certain dislikes. Now, I have certain dislikes. A few of them have withheld throughout the years, though most of them disappeared. Several of them seemed to be a matter of finding the right way to eat something. For example, tomatoes, I find to be delicious, but only when sliced at a medium-narrow thickness. Any thicker or any thinner I not only dislike them, but I gag on them for the texture and consistency. Avocados, I love, but only as avocados. Smash them into guacamole or avocado toast, and we’re back to gagging.

All that to say, I wonder what causes us to have the dislikes as children in the first place. How and why do we dislike certain foods and drinks? Are the kids just being picky, or is there truly something that makes it difficult for them to eat specific foods? Is the palate just not ready for certain foods at a young age? Or do we just need to force it down and grow accustomed to the foods that are good for us?

Just wondering…

Post-a-day 2023

Not good enough yet

I will be good enough after more learning and experience, but I’m not good enough for the dream jobs yet.

And that’s okay. It makes perfect sense, given that I’m only just learning even how to do the basics for this new career direction I want to pursue. I feel no shame for it. A touch of sadness, perhaps, due to the need to have some patience as I learn and improve, but no wrongness about it, no, ‘I suck,’ about it all.

But for how many other parts of my life do I not allow myself to experience this same scenario in such a way? How many other places do I expect to be better than I am, further along than I am, even though I haven’t yet had the learning and experience within that ‘role’ in order to be a master of it, to be exactly who and how I want to be in that realm? How much strain and stress and shame am I giving myself, when I have no true reason to expect myself to be any better than I am at certain things in this very moment? Relationships with others, with self? Working out solo instead of in group classes? Cooking for two? CLEANING for two? And a dog? Laundry for two? (To be clear, I still suck quite badly at the full laundry process for myself, and have been working slowly on that in recent years. Yet I expect myself to be able to ah for it flawlessly for two people suddenly??) Supporting a house? Paying for life in a house? Supporting a family financially? Managing prayer life for a family? Figuring out things not on my own? Keeping a sleep schedule that is drastically different from someone else in the same house?

I was not a great teacher when I first started teaching. Yes, I was good, especially for a new teacher. I had great instincts and great ideas. I had very good relationships and rapport with students. But I wasn’t a great teacher. It took me a long time to turn a lesson idea into an actually good lesson, let alone great lesson. My overall subject-area effectiveness was somewhere just above the middle, possibly a bit higher. Sure, I encouraged and empowered students to pursue their lives fully. But they didn’t necessarily learn their subject all that well. Now, however, things that took forever or never happened come easily for me. It takes little effort to turn a crap lesson – IN THE MOMENT – into a great and effective And fun lesson (for not just be students, but also for me). I put just as much effort into teaching, but the results are monumentally greater, and in all ways. I love teaching, and I have become a great teacher. But I wasn’t always a great teacher. Just because I was good and I was good enough to become great didn’t make me great then. It only made me great now, down the road of experience and effort and desire – not merely the desire to be great.

That being said, perhaps I could chill a bit on being so harsh on myself and my life for not being better already. Sure, I may be great at much. But that doesn’t mean I have to be amazing at things I have almost no experience or practice actually doing. It’s okay to suck at those things. That’s the point of a neophyte. And I am the one (in my shoes). (And yes, I’m a total nerd and a bit of an idiot, too. Please, enjoy the terrible pun. 😛 )

Post-a-day 2023

Saturday in the park

I planned a surprise boys weekend for my man. My two brothers (one who lives in Wisconsin) showed up Friday evening, right when my man finished work for the day, for an evening hanging out with steaks and green beans, cigars and drinks, and general merriment (without me), as the start to their two-night sleepover party. I had gone out with my mom and stepdad for the evening, only to return just before midnight to the boys out back, sipping bourbons and smoking cigars, while music blasted inside the house, so they had a gentle soundtrack seeping to them and the dog on the back patio. They hung out until very late, before finally being almost forced to go to bed, just so they could get up and be alive for the full schedule today. They seemed to be having a great time already.

Today, I made them double-chocolate pancakes with bacon and eggs for breakfast, and then shoved them out the door at half-past ten. They were scheduled to meet at a gun range with some family friends – my friend’s husband and dad – and our stepdad for some shooting time. They had a whole line of guns ready for them to swap around and shoot together, and I was gently envious of their time – I most certainly wanted to go myself, but I had promised a boys weekend for my man, specifically without me (and, no, he didn’t know that, since he didn’t even know about the weekend at all, but it was the whole reason I’d wanted to plan something in the first place, so I was sticking to it). However, I digress… Anyway, instead of the anticipated hour shooting and half hour to fiddle around there, they ended up shooting for about an hour and a half – it wasn’t busy, so no one kicked them out of the lanes – and then hanging out in the private lounge for another long while, just chatting. I’d anticipated an hour and a half at the range, yet they spent over three hours there. And, according to my stepdad, “It was Awesome,” and they all had a great time. 😛

(Bonus there is that the boys didn’t have to pay anything, because the other three are members of that gun club, and each gets a free guest and free protective gear for all parties to use, plus I made sure guns were brought by all who had them, so there were enough to go around without any renting. Not bad for something my brother had originally said was an expensive thing to put on the schedule. [It’s okay, I’m amazing, and it becomes clear to all, eventually. 😛 ] Granted, I did have to pack the bag for my man as they were rushing out the door this morning, as he’d not realized that he might want to bring guns to a gun range. I blame that on his still half-asleep state. They were up until three last night…)

Afterward they finally left the range, which was after two PM, they went to lunch at the one place I had recommended in the area, and then went to play with the mini-drone my brother had brought, while they waited for their 5pm tee-time (that’s golf). Apparently that was quite cool and silly and fun.

Then, they had their round of golf. If it had been busy, they wouldn’t have been likely to have finished the full 18 holes. However, since there were some openings/cancellations in tee-times, they were able to start on time but on the back half of the course, and actually play all 18 holes. The last one, they said, was rather tough in terms of visibility – sun was going down, you see – but was still doable. The sun had been really hot, but the later tee-time helped relieve a good amount of the painfully hot sunshine, and just make it quite hot.

When they were finally leaving the course at 8:40pm, my one brother requested a shower before dinner. So, instead of heading to the restaurant to eat, they just picked up the food and brought it home… which meant that I got to have a meal from the awesome Tex-Mex place, too(!). (Yippee! And thank you!) And they had the soft-serve ice cream cones while they waited for the food at the restaurant, as an appetizer, of course. 😛

I kid you not. Though I had purposely purchased ice cream stuff for them – it had been specifically requested – when they got home, they devoured their dinners, absolutely stuffing themselves from the intense hunger they were feeling after the hours of drone time and golf in the hot air and sunshine. Only one Snickers ice cream bar was eaten, and one fruit-based popsicle. So much for all the ice cream. 😛 Guess we’ll be eating that ourselves over the coming weeks. Haha

Anyway, after they’d eaten and showered (or showered and eaten, as was the case for my man and the one brother), we got on a stint of watching clips of old roller coasters from our beloved Astroworld, while my man passed out in a rocking chair. There was a touch of piano playing after the videos, and then they were beyond ready for bed, absolutely wiped.

After everything this weekend, they were tired little boys, and they had earned it, to be sure. I think they all genuinely had a good time, and I’m so glad it all worked out.

Tomorrow morning, the one brother leaves here at 8:30 to catch a flight back up North, and the other heads home to his wife whenever he wakes up. We have a lunch and then an afternoon thing for fathers’ day for each of our dads. Hopefully, we can be up for morning Mass. if not, we’ll have the evening Mass. And then, we likely will pass tf out, and early, tomorrow evening. This weekend had been good, but a lot, especially for the boys.

Thank you, God, for making this all work out so well this weekend. You answered my prayers for a positive boys weekend, and I am grateful, as you know. I am relieved it all went so well, and so pray that my man truly enjoyed it all, as that was the main goal. Please, grant us all safe travels tomorrow especially, and always. Thank you for this life and all this love. Thank you, especially for the love we all have been able to experience this weekend, and from many directions. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Shake it

Tonight, we celebrated my mother’s birthday in style by attending a Shake Russell concert. We had dinner at a deli/restaurant nearby beforehand, and ended up two tables over (in a nearly empty deli) from Shake and his wife and fellow musician as they had dinner. My stepdad, who had never been to a performance before tonight, mentions after about ten minutes, “Isn’t that the guy?”

My mom and I, both confused, turn around to see whatever man he is indicating behind the two of us. Sure enough, it is Shake Russell! After a few minutes of silliness, my stepdad then tell us how, since he’s never been to a performance and doesn’t know the album covers, he recognized Shake.

‘I recognized him from the bag of coffee on the counter,’ he told us. At one point, Shake had sold some coffee that they’d named “Cowboy Coffee” after the song by the same name, not actual cowboy coffee (Listen to the song, and you’ll have a reasonably accurate description of true cowboy coffee. :P). And the coffee bags had had a sticker of Shake Russell’s face on the front. Thus, my stepdad recognized him as the Cowboy Coffee guy. 😛

We shared this information with Shake and his wife later, and they both chuckled at it. It was a great and silly little moment, to be sure, and I’m so glad it happened.

As usual, the performance was spectacular. Yes, they did play “Cowboy Coffee”, though before he’d known about my stepdad. My stepdad loved the performance and the music, by the way. He really enjoyed the music and lyrics. At the end of the performance, still on stage, Shake wished my mom a happy birthday (again, but on the microphone this time) as he closed out the night.

It was a great, great performance and night.

To top it off, as we were walking out of the building, my mom’s phone started buzzing. When she answered, she smiled and started chuckling. She put it on speaker for us to hear, too. As she phrased it afterward, it was three, good-looking, buzzed young guys, singing to her – my brothers and my man singing her “Happy Birthday” during their guys night. It was a hilarious and wonderful end for the night. I’m so glad they did it. My mom always sings for everyone else, but not many ever sing for her. That meant a lot just to me. It seemed like she really appreciated and enjoyed it, too, though. Thanks, boys!

And thank you, God, for a lovely night for all of us. I wished my mom a great birthday at the end of our call earlier today, and she replied with, “You, too,” just as we were ending the call. So, I sent her a text thanking her for wishing me ‘a happy your birthday’. Thank you, God, for actually giving me that happy her birthday. We all ended up having a very happy her birthday. So, thank you. I love you. Thank you for all this love around me today and tonight, from all directions and in so many forms. Thank you. Help us all to sleep well and sufficiently tonight, please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Great strides

I did a few hours of work today on my course, and then I closed up earlier than standard, and got down to business on the tidying. I truly handled the bathroom stuff surprisingly well, though it felt like it took forever. It was a few hours, to be sure, but the result is great. I’ve already been able to take advantage of having done it all, and it’s been super satisfying.

In addition, I got several other little things done that have been driving me kind of nuts lately. I even got my man in on it a bit, and he helped me hang a mirror and he finished hanging the guitars – needed a special tool for the spot where the drywall crumbled last night as he installed one of the hangers – which was awesome and very helpful. AND, now that the guitars are hung, I actually sat down and played tonight. More than once. And on more than one guitar. Super great. Super great. 😀

I think I’ll take tomorrow similarly. I have to go get flowers for my mom’s upcoming birthday, and so I might do that in the morning… we shall see. I like the ‘work a few hours on school, then a few hours on home’ schedule of today. Would love to start the day sooner tomorrow, though… haha

Okay, so, setting an alarm to get up, even though it’s almost two now. That’s okay. I won’t push it too much, but I will set the alarm short of the time that would give my body’s requested nine hours of sleep. I only slept about seven last night, and I think, with the current drive finally to do these things that have been giving me grief and stress so much recently, I can handle it. I can always take a nap in the afternoon, if needed, too.

With that, I go sleep, now. Goodnight!

Post-a-day 2023

Accomplishments come in many forms

Today, I was mostly busy tidying, and it felt really good. I’ve been so focused on doing my course lately – so that I can get a job and start earning money and saving money, so that my man can do the training he needs to pursue a job as a pilot instead of his current job – that I’ve felt bad anytime I’ve wanted to tidy instead. Even tidying in the evening for a bit has felt unfair, somehow, not to mention exhausting after a day filled with working hard mentally and avoiding thinking about how much I want to tidy the house.

Today, for whatever reason, I just chose to let it all go and to do the tidying I desperately wanted to do.

And I’m so glad I did it that way. It made all the difference. And I even went and coded a little teensy bit just before bed, which was satisfying in its own way, since it wasn’t required (by me) today, yet I did it anyway.

I just feel so… accomplished… after today. Yeah. My whole body viscerally feels the sense of accomplishment from today, and it is awesome. I am incredibly grateful.

Tomorrow, I genuinely want to do more coding work, but I still want to have a day similar to today in terms of tidying. I have a few little things I want to finish up and one bigger project involving sorting through and creating a storing method for all the bathroom stuff (for both bathrooms, really). A third of it is in the living room, a third is split between the bedroom and the other bathroom, and the final third is sitting in the guest room right now. I am getting sick of seeing all that stuff around and having to avoid using this or that because it’s too much of a hassle to go pull out. We have our bathroom vanity and drawers put together now, so I can go ahead and sort everything out for actual everyday storage. Time to find places for everything, at last.

Oh… I also have a ton of laundry to fold. Ugh. Hahaha. Hey, perhaps my man will decide to lend a hand there and learn how to fold his different clothes so they all store properly in his drawers. That would be cool. However, the likelihood is rather slim, so I won’t hope too hard on it. Rather, I’ll hope plenty hard in it; I just won’t expect it actually to happen. That’s the one. 😛

Anyway, off to sleep now, way later than wanted. But much was accomplished today. Much.

Thank you, God. Your will be done. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023