Tag: fear

Gratitude, Dude

I was a bit nervous leading up to today, as I was going to be subbing with the boys again. It had been a while since I’d been with this school, and I’d gotten accustomed to working with the girls lately. I was slightly afeared.

However, by the end of taking role in my first class of the day, I was clear just how perfect it was that I was there today. I love these boys. Within the first few minutes of class, without even trying, they had made me feel so unequivocally at home, I was feeling a sense of total ease, belonging, and love. Yes, they are dopes. And I absolutely love them for it. Don’t get me wrong here: Girls are great. But there is just something about how I’m made that just has the boys feel so much more right for me. Even as a kid, I was more comfortable playing with and being friends with the boys than with the girls. Perhaps it was due in part to my siblings closest in age being boys. I always felt more distant from my sisters, what with there being a nine-year and 11-year age gap between us. Compare that to the three boys that were only seven, six, and four years older than I was, and it makes a bit more sense that I ended up a total tomboy throughout my childhood. I also just prefer the honesty and directness of males, as well as their willingness to be goofy. That makes a big difference for me, too, and played a big role in my seeking out male friendships over the years and to this day.

Anyway, thank you, God, for this blessing that has been today. It was glorious. May I continue to be part of the beautiful formation You are offering these boys here. In Your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Dreams coming true yet?

My mom mentioned to me today something that she read just this past week about reaching for our dreams. The question she gave me was “If you woke up tomorrow, and your dream were fulfilled, what would be the first thing you would notice that told you that your dream had been fulfilled?“
I thought about this question. It somewhat baffled me, because I could not easily come up with an answer. Why is that? Well, if my current dream were fulfilled when I woke up tomorrow morning, I still would start my day the exact same way I do right now. I would get up early and go to the gym. I would exercise with delight and rigor. And then I would head to school. Only at this point would I have the noticeable sign, as the bag I had packed for school would be a bit different and where I showered would be different (at school versus at the gym).
While the exercise was interesting simply for the idea of what one thing would give it away, should my big dream come true, what was more fascinating and valuable to me was that my day would begin the exact same way. Put differently, I am already, in part, living my dream.
And that is quite cool.
Sure, I don’t have the specific work and finances and all the follow-up details and activities that come with those, but the person I am being, the habits I am pursuing… those are already exactly part of my dream life being fulfilled.
So, how do we level up now to the next step in fulfilling this dream? That is the question.
Post-a-day 2022
(Just a touch of hesitation now…)

Gymotions

I learned this morning that I need to go ahead and scale things down on Mondays at the gym. I needn’t feel like I am lame or cheating out or anything like that – I just simply cannot do the prescribed work. In the past, we had three levels of capability listed for each aspect of a workout. I was always the lowest originally, and eventually moved up to some of the middle level for parts of workouts. Now, we have only one, the hardest one. I am not on that level on any day. And, now, on Mondays, we are doing movements that are hard for my body period. I absolutely need to scale those down, and a lot. Otherwise, I will not improve and things will not go well for me. We can push when we are being lazy, but it is not a good idea to push when the body is crying with pains and high discomfort in movements. I needn’t cry doing any movements at the gym. But, today, I did, I was just so frustrated with not being able to do the stuff, no matter my effort.

Yeah, it was emotionally rough this morning. And my muscles were, of course, still quite sore going into it all, which didn’t help. At least I’m getting to bed a little earlier tonight…

Post-a-day 2022

Feedback

Today, I was scared to give feedback. But 1) I knew it was important feedback, and 2) I have been working on being courageous and speaking up about things that are important to me in my life. And so, I declared that it would be better done than not, and I went and asked first if I might give a bit of feedback, and then, upon receiving the all-clear, I communicated kindly and clearly what the feedback was and why I felt it was so important (i.e. multiple others had mentioned it as their experience, too). I was sharing feedback about a new coach at our gym, but to the owner. He was grateful for the feedback, and he understood immediately what the issue was and why it mattered in our classes so much (without my having to say anything further about it). He thanked me for the feedback, and he even told me that it helps when it is coming not simply from him but from us, just through him.

It was a really cool experience for me. Sure, I was still a bit odd and nervous, but it went well and accomplished its outset goal. Plus, I got to be courageous. And that was certainly swell.

Thank you, God and Universe. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Missed again…)

Working it out

In a somewhat bizarre way, my path has felt rather clear today. Things have been odd, compared to usual and typical, but I just rather rolled with them as they were and as I found myself feeling about them (without making it mean anything bad). I spoke up where I felt was important and valuable for me to do so, and that was great. And I felt heard, too, which was an awesome plus to those times.

Thank you, God and Universe, for the guidance today.

It is now raining and getting cold out again, and lightning keeps occasionally popping up brightly and grumblingly from a distance. I am sitting in bed, preparing to go to sleep. And I am looking forward to sleeping, yes. I also am satisfied with today.

Thank you, God and Universe, for all of it, especially the company tonight and the home they have had me join. Thank you for this love. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

All the little things

And then all the little things come together to give that little, wholesome, undeniable nudge. Suddenly, everything seems much simpler and easier – there is much less worry to be had, and life seems… lighter. Things aren’t solved or resolved. But they aren’t exactly a problem anymore. And, for now, that is enough for gratitude and much easier, freer breathing.

Thank you, God and Universe. Please continue to help me to be Your love in the world. Guide me with clarity to the embodiment of Your love through this life. In Your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Barely got it)

Fitness and food

An old coworker shared a video today from a fitness blogger girl (or something like that) who was saying that, though people have been giving her flak for it, she is not actually against dieting, as people were declaring about her. Rather, she is against the world of “diet culture”. The girl went into a bit of detail about all of that in the video, and my owl coworker commented and added, ‘I love this so much! People can want to make changes because it fits their personal values. It doesn’t always have to be to fit societal standards of beauty or acceptance.’

And I absolutely agreed with her on that. I sent her a quick follow-up message of the following:

“This has actually shown up for me as a bit of a struggle this year! It has been hard for me to share about my fitness goals and progress and struggles, including with food, because most of society doesn’t have similar goals, and can only see a ‘super fit white girl complaining about being fat and being super-restrictive with her food’… because that’s all they know, due to the whole diet culture and stigmas around fitness and food”

And it’s true. People often grow upset, to varying degrees, at my food choices most of the time. I typically eat a Paleo diet, and I do intermittent fasting (where I only eat food during an 8-hour window each day, then no food for roughly 16 hours). It isn’t a big deal, and I don’t make it a big deal. But I do stand up for myself and my goals, and I calmly let people know that I do not want or will not have such-and-such, whenever it doesn’t align with my goals for caring for my body. I want to be the best person I can be, the highest version of myself, and that includes my physical self. When I am physically well, I am best able to do all that I am here to do to make this world a better, love-filled place. When I eat food that makes me feel ill or like junk, I am not at my best. It has nothing to do with negative body-image or a lack of self-love or self-care. True self-care is actually caring for and taking care of oneself, not just using it as a stamp of approval to eat crap foods and drink loads of alcohol without repercussions or follow-up care. Self-care isn’t an excuse to be lazy. It takes work. But it is work that is well worth doing, and with all our hearts. At least, it has proven to be so every single day of my life. And I am extremely grateful for that work and all of its results and rewards so far and yet to come.

Post-a-day 2021

^Last One!! Wow!!!

“Fit”ting it all in

I had wanted, at the start of this week, tog et in three more workouts before the end of the year. You see, I keep track of when I do them and how many total I have done throughout the year. I started that two and a half years ago when I started at the gym, because I felt it was important data. Sure, you’ve been going to the gym for four years…, but how many times did you actually go to the gym? I wanted to help keep myself accountable as well as see how results lined up with my class attendance.

I keep both count of how many workouts I’ve done per calendar year and per year of gym membership (I started the second week of April in 2019). My first year, I managed 190 workouts, I believe. (It’s all listed on my computer.) Of course, that ‘year’ ended with the gym closing and whatnot with the COVID shut-downs. Then I had major struggles for a while with no gym to attend, and the workouts died away. But, last December, I got myself back at it, after the gym had closed permanently and then re-opened (with higher prices :/…). So, this calendar year, as of Monday of this week, I had done 55 from 1 January to 7 April, and I had done 132 after that. So, I was at 187 for the calendar year so far. I figured, It would be nice to reach a round 90, meaning 190. Still not 200, but I can still make that 200 happen for the gym membership year, which is what matters most to me. For the calendar year, I wasn’t going to be able to make it happen, what with being out of town for moving my grandma last week, and then suddenly having to move myself this week. But I could challenge myself and get that 190 with the remaining days, especially since I intended to be done moving by Wednesday at the latest. (I was clear that I needed all my sleep and energy for moving on Monday and Tuesday, and so was clear that I was not going to the gym early on in the week this week.

But, today, Thursday, I got up (later than usual) just after six and did a running and core workout in the crazy fog and dark that was my mom’s neighborhood this morning. Then, I met my brother on a walk to see his dog again before he left town – yes, all I wanted was to be able to play with and hang out with the dog, but all I was allowed was walking with him twice… so it goes – and walked roughly two miles with them. Then, as a means of heading home after the walk that ended at his dad’s house, elsewhere in the neighborhood, I did the same running and core workout again. Nuts, I know. So, I racked up roughly 9-10 miles today from running and walking. And I could barely hold myself up for the second round of the core work. And I’ve got a blister between two of my middle toes on my left foot, which is annoying but healing somewhat quickly. (Of course, I poked it with my knife, because it was too much with all the fluid in it earlier… Anyway…)

But I’m glad and relieved I managed the two workouts today. And my other brother, who has been very not-active in life lately but who has just moved back from Japan, has agreed to go to the gym with me tomorrow morning. It’s a good 35+-minute drive into town for that, but it is worth it for my brother to go do it with me. I think he could really use the physical workout and the mental and emotional release it has to offer with it. If he ends up liking it, and he finds a place close to the gym, I likely will get him a punch card for him to be able to go several times without the high price tag.

Anyway, I’m excited for him to go with me in the morning. And I’m excited to round out the goal of 190 for the year and 135 for this leg of year gym year. And I’m nervous but glad to be going at all. The past two weeks have been bizarre for me, and I miss my gym and its people and energy and release and health. I don’t know how the next six weeks of my life will look, but I am glad to have tomorrow morning sorted somewhat, and positively so.

Thank you, God and Universe, for the help and support and courage for all of this lately. Please, help me to be Your love in all that I do and in all that I am, as Your creative expression in this world. In your name I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Mad, but out

But then, how often do we see what other people seem to be dreaming and thinking, and find ourselves thinking that they are mad? (The main example that comes to mind for that right now is when someone was dreaming of and hoping to date me, and I am clear that I have no interest in dating that person [and I say “that person” instead of “him,” because it hasn’t always been the case with just men…!]. So, when I see the hope and dreams persist, I think, That’s crazy thinking!)

Separately, I got almost everything handled today. We moved the rest of everything into the storage unit or into my or my mom’s vehicle, and even vacuumed the floor where I once lived. I am going back tomorrow to get my soap and toilet paper from the kitchen and bathroom, to remove the extra and unused boxes from packing, and to remove my bicycle and my Vespa. If the dresser we left outside is still there, I’ll see about having the friend come by to take it to Goodwill. Then, I’ll leave the main keys behind.. if I know where they are, that is. And then I’ll be done there fully. I already left today, my energy and all. But I won’t have anything to do with the place anymore after tomorrow.

And I am quite grateful.

Thank you, God and Universe, for helping me through all of this powerfully. Please, give comfort and ease and rest to the two who helped me, as well as a sense of having served a valuable purpose and a feeling of being fully appreciated for their efforts and doings. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Dreaming madly?

Do you ever find yourself wondering about whether, if people actually knew all your hopes and dreams, they would think you were totally crazy, just absolutely nuts?? I mean, sure, plenty of mine are standard and/or acceptable dreams. But I definitely also have those ones that are…, well, not. I think that, if they were to come true, it wouldn’t be a problem of any kind. But hoping for them, dreaming about them, likely would seem utterly bizarre to most folks. Or, at least, to the folks in my immediate or daily surroundings, they would seem bizarre.

Do you know what I mean?

P.S. We got out most of everything today, and packed it safely and rather effectively in the storage unit. The friend did show up, and he stayed almost the whole day, working with me. My mom helped for about an hour and a half, split between the morning and the late afternoon, after we all had a 3:30pm lunch together. Tomorrow, we must take down and pack all the art, take apart my bed frame and table, and load it all into the unit. We also still have a few more instruments and games and small odd furnishings and such (mirrors, tea kettle, back massage tool, fans, a lamp, a vase…), as well as dishes and mugs and glasses in the kitchen (just a single cabinet, though) to pack and move. Then we have to put the stuff I intend to move with me into my 6-weeks home next week in the very front of the storage unit (including my mattress and chair and lamp). I think we will manage it all. But I intend to get up again early – would you believe I slept until after six today?! – to get started as soon as I can manage safely for my health and well-being. Then the friend is coming back to help finish everything off (and his extremely helpful truck, too!). My mom might even come by again to help a bit, too. Her car, borrowed, was also extremely helpful today.

Post-a-day 2021

^That year is almost up(!!!), I just realized