women – Page 14 – hannah ananas

Cold sleep

It is cold, and I feel it. From the air conditioner, not from outside. I go back and forth between shivering and being slightly miserable without shaking. There was no blanket down here for me to use, let alone a comforter. I found a throw upstairs, but it isn’t very heavy/warm. I likely will have to sleep fully clothed tonight.

And then some.

Glad I brought the thick wool socks for possible hiking (which almost definitely will not happen).

I am also very tired, and also sleepy, increasing, I believe, my sense of annoyance and stress.

Dear God, please help me sleep well tonight and awaken rested and comfortable tomorrow and the next day.

Especially considering that my body decided today was finally the day to start menstruating… what impeccably terrible timing. I think it is aiming to make a point, and I might be understanding that point: I need to take care of myself, no matter what others do or want to do.

And now, to dress and to sleep.

Post-a-day 2021

Breathing emotion

Have you ever had the experience of being filled with emotions – ones you hadn’t even realized were building until they reached the point of crying to escape – without even knowing whence they came, or why they came?

It’s times like these that I find myself wanting to step out of myself, and watch movies or some TV show, so that I can go through the gamut, experience fully all the emotions, and using the reasons of the characters in what I am watching as my foundation for experiencing those emotions… it is through them that I am able to release what is built up inside me, all of these things whose origins I cannot seem to identify. I do not know if it is my body preparing for menstruation, and my mind taking on the emotions of those around me, or how I might perceive their situations in life. But it happens every so often for me… I cannot identify what I am feeling, aside from an intense urge to cry and let everything express itself powerfully and fully…, but I always end up taking the time to stop and cry, somehow, and it is always most effective when I go through some movie with lots of emotion and sop, so I can really get all the tears out – a real weep fest of a movie.

Today, I went through nine hours of that…

But, boy, can I already tell that I am going to sleep well tonight – at ease, released, breathing again.

Post-a-day 2021

He-She

I have worked many times with a Japanese man who, despite being quite good with English speaking and understanding, regularly gets people pronouns wrong. “He is coming now,” for a woman preparing to enter a room. “Yes, that’s what she said,” not ironically in reference to something a male we both know said.

I’m not sure if he actually is aware of the fact that he does this, or, at least, that he does it so often as he does.

And, for whatever reason, I kind of really enjoy whenever he does it. I usually don’t even correct him. I only ask for clarification when there is space for confusion, and I want to avoid the confusion. Usually, though, I know exactly whom he means, and it is no concern whatsoever.

And that has me wonder about how important those pronouns are in the first place.

I already know that Siri is fine with the fact that I call her both male and female, depending on the context. But people have something more attached to gender. I have a feeling it is the fact that we are human that we care so much. And yet, part of being human is having gender, even if in a sort of combination of parts (because it is definitely real that people sometimes end up with both male and female reproductive organs). Perhaps those people have the right to be called “they”, since they technically are plural, at least in their genders… 😛 (Can you hear the grammar nerd within me peeping out right now???? ‘Stop messing with grammar, and use the right words, please, or make up new ones.’)

(Or just do what this Japanese guy does, and use whichever pronoun whenever.) 😛

Post-a-day 2021

Happy Birthday, she called it

I went ahead and finished another song for today yesterday. I started it back in early October, when some big changes were happening in my life. I wondered if it was about one of those in particular. But it wasn’t. Then I wondered if it was about New Year’s Eve. But it wasn’t. And then, I wondered if it wasn’t applicable at all. But I ruled that out I easily enough.

Finally, though, I considered my birthday, and I realized that so much of what I have been doing lately in my life has been leading up to my birthday, quite similarly to this song’s thoughts on a certain “tomorrow” and on life.

So, I did it for my birthday.

It wasn’t flawless; it had many errors, my performance; I went too fast at parts; I almost totally messed up words; the ocean water was loud and invisible; the fog was intense; construction was happening in the background, sound-wise; and I forgot to record the audio for an audio track on my phone. But I did it. And I was super excited to do it. And I loved and love it.

I wrote this to go with it:

“Happy Birthday”

Welcome to tomorrow! Another year aged, another trip around the sun, and I feel, possibly, better than ever. I wish you all the loveliest of years this year: that we may all have our fears, and be filled with courage and gratitude; that we may create and embrace loads and loads and loads of love. Happy Birthday to Me, and Happy (Early) Birthday to Texas! ✨💗🎨⚡️🌏💫📿🧘🏻‍♀️❤🤗🙏🐪

🍙

🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑

🦖 🦖🏋🏼‍♀️💪

I certainly had fear in making and in sharing the recording/video of my playing and singing this song. And I did it nonetheless. And I am extremely grateful. May we all have fears and be filled with courage, especially this year and especially in new ways and places.

P.S. March 2, 1836, was Texas’ Independence Day (from Mexico), so Texas kind of has a birthday right after I have mine!

Post-a-day 2021

Light…

Painting. We did some tonight! AND we used lightsabers. Because why would we not?

I am beyond excited to check out the photos tomorrow, after I’ve gotten some sleep. I pray it be intensely restful sleep for me tonight.

Post-a-day 2021

^Had to think about it, but got it easily when I did

“Barnard Thompson”

21:01 on 2/21/21, a baby was born. This was also Santa Anna’s birthday. That shall make it quite easy for me to remember in the future. 🙂

Odd how seventh grade Texas History is proving so valuable in such a unique place in my life. 😛

P.S. That’s just what I’ve been calling the baby. I have no idea what its given name actually will be. In my mind, he shall always be Barnard Thompson, because that’s what he’s been for so long. 😂

Post-a-day 2021

Another one checked

I am adjusting better each day to scheduling out and committing myself to getting this work done. I even was able to go spend half the day with my mom today, then tutor over two and a half hours, and am still completing my tasks for the day before bed tonight. I brought my reading with me, and I sat down while at my mom’s and worked on that for a while, when she got busy with other things. Then, I did some extra cleaning up at home, even vacuuming part of my room (despite the fact that most of it has piles of clothes now, I vacuumed the most-used part of the floor), which made a beautiful difference. And getting myself to vacuum is usually rough. This was easy, somehow…. this method is rubbing off in more ways than one already.

I know it sounds so simple, why think anything of it? But this is big for me, and in a very good way. So, I am delighted and excited for my accomplishments there. 🙂

Anyway, got to finish that reading and do my joy check practice and order round! (Getting that stretch in, too!!)

Post-a-day 2021

^Totally got it wrong at first…

And so, it begins

So, today started it all for real! I did my first day of work on tidying up my physical space life, and thereby my entire life, today. I read the life-changing magic of tidying up by Marie Kondo a few years ago, and it did me so well, I cannot properly describe it all. However, I did not do her program – the one presented in the book – fully at the time. I was not ready for that. But I was ready to begin working with her method.

I grew up, as my dad mentioned yesterday, in a very different world at home than a tidy and concise and non-excess and non-cluttered home. On both sides of my family, my parents had grown up in a world where one may waste nothing. By default, that turned into the idea that getting rid of something, if it is even able to be repaired and possibly be used again, is wasteful. And so, even when things were no longer being used or of use to us in any way, those things would get stuck somewhere in the sidelines of our homes, taking up space without benefit. We rarely even donated things. I was the youngest girl cousin, so I got all the hand-me-downs from everyone. And, whether I liked them or not, and whether they ever fit me or not, I was them stuck with them. I had no sister or cousin to whom I could hand down anything, so I had to keep everything.

Waste not. Right?

But through reading and working with Marie Kondo’s book, I discovered an entirely new and empowered outlook on items. It aligned beautifully with how I had often felt, especially in recent years, and it expanded even further than I ever had delved or dared to consider. And it gave empirical data on many of those ideas and practices. And so, my life began to alter as I did the work with her book.

But I did not complete the work, and I knew that I was not completing it at the time. And I was okay with that. I just wasn’t ready yet. If you haven’t experienced it yourself, I tell you: there is a lot of emotion and psychological dénouement that happens through following her method. And it is in an amazing and transformational way.

Now, as I have been working so much on my participation in life (mind), as well as my physical presence in life (body) and my self-expression, I realized that it would be not only unfair but untrue of me to leave out my living space from this work. Especially considering my efforts to be somewhere specific with my physical fitness by my birthday this year, it only made sense that I put a completion date on cleaning up fully my living space, such that it, too, will reflect who I truly am and want to be in this life right now.

So, I reached out for an accountability partner. No one replied. I took that as a sign that I was meant to be my own accountability partner. I created a Google Doc that I shared with myself. I have homework each night for the following day’s tasks. I share at the end of each day how it went, what I did and didn’t do, and what my plans and intentions are for the following day. I, as the partner, give feedback and congratulations as I see fit and/or necessary. So far, through all 24 hours of it, it has been awesome. I now have four weeks to go, max.

I am quite excited about tomorrow, and I am still entirely nervous and terrified. 🙂

Post-a-day 2021

^Phew! Almost missed it again…

Exercising and Sharing

I really slept in today, but I woke up the second (or fourth) time around 7:30, and then got up and dressed and went downstairs and did the workout from yesterday. Yay!

I had to make modifications, of course, because I do not have all the tools the gym has, and the workout was supposed to be used at the gym this week (but it has to close for the week for COVID-related safety). But it was still a great and a tough workout, and I felt very pushed, and in a positive way.

And I was grateful that I did the workout first thing today. That probably felt better than the workout itself.

I then taught an outdoor workshop for kakizome 書き初め, as part of an Art & Yoga class, and it was awesome to do! Sure, the people involved had their varied life issues that arose, but it still was a great experience, and I am glad and grateful that I was able to share kakizome with more people. And that is despite the fact that they do not see it as I see it. It also gave me an odd sense of reaffirmation for myself, that I am looking at things and approaching things in my life in a very good-for-me-and-the-world way, and that I am perfect being right here, right now, all the uncertainties and unknowns included. I am grateful for this life and for this particular piece of it – thank you, Universe. My ball of energy is rolling beautifully, and I am loving being at its center.

So, how is your ball of energy, your life, doing today? I hope it is helping you to roll onward powerfully, whatever that May mean for you and your life. 🙂

P.S. Just before bed last night, I saw an e-mail that my flight in a couple months – fingers crossed on that trip – was changed dramatically in terms of timing. I was very annoyed, as it was the second such e-mail of the day, and this was a huge change. I checked the website to see if there were a different flight I preferred. The prices were almost half what they had been when I initially booked a few weeks ago! So, what did I do? I promptly canceled my original booking, and I rebooked with the new prices. It had been with points, but I gladly will make the effort in order to spend 5,000 points instead of 8,500! Cha-ching!! And thank you, airline, for allowing such a possibility. Much gratitude from here.

Post-a-day 2021

^That one was oddly easy for me

Back in the day, just now

Anyone else out there ever find yourself contemplating men like you’re back in the 1800s, preparing for marriage?

I haven’t even gone on a date with any guys, yet my brain has been evaluating the pros and cons of each as though we are considering not only a date but a brief courtship followed by marriage and likely many children.

Yes, the first is very handsome, but it really would be a true delight to have someone who so dearly values, appreciates, and wants you, as does the second. He would dote on you so, and that would be lovely.

Or would it become annoying, since you do not share his same affections?

Would he be hurt that you do not and cannot see him as he sees you? Or would he be all too honored to offer his high pay and devotion to you for the rest of your days without a doubt? Likely the latter.

But would you be willing to accept such a relationship, and give up the possibility of marrying for mutual love and devotion? Give up your freedom for such security without intense love? Perhaps love can develop over time – it is difficult to resist someone who longs for you so. But you would not know until you are much further down the line. At which point, it may be too late to turn away…, especially after all he has given you, and all you have encouraged his efforts…

But, as Miss Charlotte Lucas said, it is better for a husband and wife to know nothing of each other at all at the time of their marriage, and to spend the rest of their lives getting to know one another and falling in love at our leisure…

And then, on another hand, something more like this gentleman would be wonderful for genes to pass on to your offspring – you would make a fine pair in that sense. And you would look lovely standing together. That other gentleman ought not to be considered, when it comes to genes one wants to pass on to one’s children…

These are real thoughts that I notice passing through my mind on any given day. And I don’t even necessarily use them for any actual decisions in anything. But I can’t deny their accuracy. It would be nice to be with someone who practically fawns over me, and wants nothing more than to take care of me as best as possible. But could I ever marry for logic over love? I think not. It would have to be logic and love.

And, of course, this all seems utterly ridiculous, because, well, I haven’t even been on a single date with anyone, yet these are the thoughts going through my mind. It really is as though I am in the 1800s and a date is a very likely forward step toward marriage.

Perhaps I really do view it that way, thus my aversion(?) to dating in general. I don’t want to date someone if I am unwilling, even in the slightest way, to consider a significant partnership together in the future (e.g. marriage). Or, rather, if I just can’t see it (not that I am unwilling to consider it, but that I consider it and come up with nothing of value). So, I’m not averse to dating, but I won’t go on a date without valid reason. And ‘to have fun’ or ‘to see what I like and dislike’ are not valid reasons for me. I do those all the time, and I don’t need a date for them to happen.

Nonetheless, this all reminds me of what Mr. Darcy had to say in chapter six, once he admitted to enjoying such fine eyes on a certain woman’s face, and Miss Bingley asked him when she was to wish him joy.

“That is exactly the question which I expected you to ask. A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment. I knew you would be wishing me joy.”

I am certainly that woman, in a way…

Anyway… just my thoughts of the week. ;P

Post-a-day 2021

^I’m almost going in reverse here – I nearly missed it again!