Tag: work

Meet me here, and stop fixing me

I think I prefer most people not knowing about my problems, because most people try to fix my problems.

When someone asks how I’m doing, and I share about something that isn’t going well, I’m not asking for advice – I’m just sharing, the same way I would about something that is going well in my life.

I usually can handle my problems rather well on my own.

And when I want and need help, I say clearly that I want and/or need help.

And, sometimes, if someone asks if I want help or guidance, I’ll say that I do…, but I usually am not looking for that, simply because I am sharing about something.

I think that’s part of why my cousin knows most of my most desperate problems… I call her and tell her that I am seeking guidance and help and please, tell me that I am not totally stupid for wanting this in my life, etc… and she does just that.

And, when I am not seeking a solution, and say that I just need to share, she lets me.

If she has something she deems valuable to share back with me, she asks if it’s okay to tell me what came up for her… sometimes the answer is ‘No, not right now,’ and she is okay with that, and she respects that.

And I do the same for her.

Sometimes, we just want to be heard and not fixed… sometimes, it only takes being heard, for us to be able to fix everything ourselves anyway.

Oftentimes, when I share about something that is bothering me, I am just sharing that I am struggling, so the person with me can understand where I am, and meet me where I am… I am not asking for a solution.

Tangentially…

Today, someone shared with me about a very painful incident within her life.

She said she probably would cry, and then she did… and her crying didn’t last very long – I gave her the space to express herself, and I didn’t get all sappy and apologetic with her about it, but merely acknowledged and accepted what she was sharing and the pain she was expressing… and I didn’t feel sorry for her, but just accepted her where she was, accepted things as they stood, and met her where she was.

And now, we have a fabulous plan going forward with things, and she not only trusts me but feels extremely comfortable with me… and I think a large part of that is that I didn’t deem her situation as having anything wrong with it that needed fixing… it was just what was so in her life, and I needed to met her there in order to move forward into tomorrow… and I did… and we are doing something together now because I did.

And I’m actually really excited about it. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Love, love me do

Today, I have been angry and frustrated and annoyed with most of the world around me.

The simplest of things have sent me emotionally flying off the handle.

Though, I have maintained calm enough in my interactions so as not to have this be obvious and/or offensive to anyone today… the whole digital interaction certainly makes that easier to manage.

Nonetheless, I have felt myself ready to curse and throw things at people throughout the day, and have been borderline tears at almost any given moment.

For weeks, I have already been stressed as people ask me, “How are you?”

I already wrote and shared a song that declares ‘No, I’m not okay, so, please, stop asking… I’ll get there eventually, but just stop asking for right now, please.’

I have begun opting to decline answering the question and to move forward in the conversation… people find it odd, but they get over it, and I don’t have to be further stressed in attempting to answer the question.

(Because no, I will not lie and say that I’m fine, when I am not fine… period.)

Today, too many people were asking me about how I am, and in various ways… I wanted to yell and throw things at all of them…. and at the people who couldn’t get their s*** sorted when I explained how to do such-and-such for them…

It’s been rough and tough for me today, and on many levels…

And no, it is not premenstrual syndrome, aka PMS… wrong time of the month.

My closest friend here in town left today, moving to VA.

And I don’t miss her yet – nothing like that – but I have been presented more and more strongly with each passing day the question of whether I am living my life properly right now.

She’s not only my closest friend here, but the only one I see regularly… and I usually see her multiple times a week.

And it usually was just to hang out – nothing special (which made it all the more special as a friendship).

This now presents me with the fact that I have no close friends, and no daily friends here anymore.

I don’t have anyone to check in with or who will check in on me… I don’t have anyone just down the street anymore… I don’t have anyone to love me simply by spending time with me.

I’ve thought a lot about it today… what I want most right now is to have someone:

1) Tell me that I am loved,

2) Tell me, practically speaking, that what I am pursuing in my life right now gives value to the world around me, and will continue to do so the further I pursue it,

3) Tell me that I am on the right path for myself and my life right now – and that he/she has full faith in my ability to succeed profoundly with it all, and

4) Laugh with me… a lot… until my body hurts so much from the laughter, I don’t know if I can take it anymore.

For now, though, I will do my nighttime stretches and reading, and I will go to sleep.

The irony of this is that my daily reminder today is “Today, I remember to love and to be loved”… I still haven’t marked it as completed…

One fun plus to all of this stress and crying tonight – I managed not actually to cry until this evening for the first time, when a friend who knew I was struggling actually called me to check in for real on me – is that the slight bit of allergy edge to my nasal cavity right now makes it smell like a swimming pool whenever my nose starts to fill up with snot… and so, I am transported to sunny pool days of my childhood right after I blow my nose every time (from the crying)… and that makes me smile genuinely. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

What’s next, my dear Watson

I can feel it… my daily life… it is time for it to change.

I’m not sure yet how that is going to look, but I can tell with my whole being that something is about to change… and somewhat drastically so…

My life will not be quite the same as it has been lately…. and it will be a spectacular improvement, I can just tell…

What is it???

What are you, change???

This “What’s next” is slow to start, but will be big rather quickly, it seems…, and I am looking forward to it with delight…

Tomorrow morning, I will get myself to work on whatever this happens to be…, and we shall begin to discover what’s next.

P.S. Dearest World, would you kindly allow me to sleep really well tonight and to wake up refreshed in the morning?? These late-night storms have been waking me like crazy the past several nights, and I could really use a solid night’s sleep. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Delayed Gratification

“Sometimes, it takes delayed gratification to discover that we didn’t really want it, anyway.”

This has been on my mind a lot today.

At first, all I was considering was how I often discover that, after having to wait to have something – i.e. delayed gratification – I don’t end up wanting that something anymore, and I often even forget all about it by the time I can have it.

This has been so often the case with unhealthy foods (read “desserts” and “grains”), unnecessary items, and even, occasionally, with men.

Today, I’ve been thinking about the men one especially… by not being able to date them or what have you, I end up getting so accustomed to not dating them, and I find that I actually prefer it… I don’t really have any desire to date them after all – it was just a passing excitement and desire, and it, having not been satisfied immediately, passed.

Tonight, though, I am beginning to see the other end of the idea…

Sometimes, it takes delayed gratification to discover that we truly do want it, after all.

Talking with an artist and gallery owner this evening, I saw how art has been one of these particular things for me – I was never given the gratification of studying and learning and doing art…. painting, drawing, photography, ceramics, etc…, and now, after all this time of not being able to have it all, I am discovering how much I truly do want it in my life.

I want to create art, and I want to have a life filled with art and artists.

I have had a taste of this art lately with photography, and then most recently, in being home constantly, in pursuing new skills in other art forms… and I love it.

I feel so at home with it.

This is where I belong, where I feel at home, where I want to be.

I’ve been thinking lately a lot about Charlotte from “Sex in the City”, and about Sophia in “The Longest Ride”, how they worked in art galleries.

And I have been rather envious of them for years, but now I had started to wonder about whether it was something I might actually want to pursue, if only for a short-term situation.

And now, after chasing down what I thought might have been an old family friend – which, it was – from twenty years ago, I might actually be doing it.

Working in an art gallery… how fun… how fantastic… how ridiculous a follow-up to being a high school teacher… I can hardly wait to find out.

Post-a-day 2020

Photo date yet?

I think it is almost time for me to step back into my photos.

I kind of went on a photographer hiatus in mid-March, when life had a sudden transformation to its trajectory.

I’m not sure what it was in particular, but something got me really down about my photography, in a way that had me straight up shove it from my mind…. I mean, I genuinely forgot that I had all these photos I had been wanting to edit a bit and then share with the world…

I think the recent photographer who came into my life sparked a sense of impossibility and hopelessness for me, and something about being alone all the time (i.e. not able to take photos of other people) made the situation even worse.

But, now that I say all of this, I am reminded that my saint is Saint Jude, patron saint of hopeless cases…. Well, Jude, I have been feeling rather hopeless with this photography future of mine right now… might we have a chat about some next steps for me, and some empowerment to make things move in a good way forward in this case?

I would love to work together on this, dearest Jude.

So, I’ll see about pulling up a few photos this week, and sharing them online, slowly but surely over the next several days… I know I can do this, and I know I can do it well.

God, and Jude, help me to give this my all and to give it my best, that I might share love in the form of beautiful photography with the World. ❤

Amen.

………..

P.S. Katy Perry – you know, the woman who stole the beloved Orlando Bloom from daydreaming women everywhere 😂 – is in my head tonight, with one difference… I kissed a boy, and I liked it.

Post-a-day 2020

Just do it

I did it!

I started work on creating my first book, and I started work on producing the first edition of the online women’s magazine I am starting!

I came up with ten (10) plot ideas for the book, as I said last night that I would do today, and I even really like certain ones of them… like really like them.

I got on the phone with a friend whom I want to be a secondary voice on moving the magazine forward with me, and she helped me organize out certain bits already for it.

I sent her the general outline I had of everything this evening, and she will look at it tomorrow, and get back to me on her response to it either tomorrow or Friday.

I compiled the contact list for the various contributors who are confirmed, and whom I am considering bringing on to the project.

I reached out on social media for contributors (without saying what specifically the reason was) in a couple areas that were lacking contributors.

And now, my brain is going almost nonstop, just chugging along with considerations regarding the magazine.

It is a good kind of busy in my brain right now, and I think it is definitely helping keep me away from thoughts of the intense citrus smell in my room right now – and the accidental addition of isopropyl alcohol to the steaming mix over the burning candle – due to not only the dying roach I found downstairs this morning, but the live one I found crossing on top of my swimsuit an hour ago in my bedroom… and that is currently trapped in my painting water jar downstairs…

Yeah, so, moving on…

My task for tomorrow with the book – I think I need to give myself a task every day for the book – will be to come up with five (5) more plot ideas that seem particularly crazy and out of my typical comfort zone of writing and style (think zombies and goth and erotic romance novels!… :P), and then to flesh out at least two of my plot ideas, including one of the crazy ones.

Yikes – tomorrow will be a silly one for the book! 😛 Haha

I’m excited, and I can hardly wait. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Book-book

I have been thinking so much lately about writing my first book…, but I keep not writing it.

I ponder and giggle and sigh over various ideas I would like to include, but I never sit down and start putting any of them together.

And it suddenly hit me just now clearly what my main struggle is with writing this book:

I’ve got all the details – they come to me all too easily, and almost all the time – my struggle is that I don’t have the big picture, the main story and plot.

And it practically paralyzes me, leaving me to do no work on it at all, and instead worry more and more about all the time that is passing without my writing this first book.

Hmm…

So, I guess I need to start working specifically on ideas for a main plot tomorrow… I will take out my writer’s book, start reading it, and then start a list of at least ten ideas for general plots for a book.

They don’t have to be good or likely at all – they just have to be.

I can do this. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

I, phone

“You have too much on our mind,” he said…, “Hai troppi pensieri per la testa!!”

Is he right?

I haven’t felt like I’m thinking about loads and loads lately…, but am I worrying, having thoughts run silently in the background, like the pesky applications on my phone, secretly using the signal and draining down the battery power without my even realizing it until I’m suddenly at only 20%?

Mayhaps… perhaps… it may be… it might be so…

Yes, yes, I can see it… the money and the fitness and the job-related… those have the tell-tale arrows next to them in the settings section, declaring that they were recently using my location…, as well as a lot of “should”s… I don’t even support shoulds, yet, here they are, attacking my brain, eating up the battery life…

Ugh…

I don’t even want to think about it right now… that’s how tired I am – I don’t even want to put forth the slight effort of sorting it out… I just want to go to bed already…

So, I’ll do a run or two or few on the mala, and clear out my active mind, so I can fall asleep powerfully… hopefully it can and will last for longer than it has been doing, and I can wake up with energy tomorrow morning, ready to take on at least one of these pesky background apps in my mind… 😛

P.S. Happy End to WWII Day, and Happy Mothers’ Day!! 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

A delirium Of night

This week has gone so fast… I am so tired…, yet I cannot tell why…

Perhaps it is from the increased speed that must have been involved in this week’s going so quickly… when you run like crazy, you’re exhausted at the end of it, right?

I don’t know…

I stepped into an oddly-low-flowing shower tonight – only a few adjectives stronger than a trickle – and stood under the hot water, feeling the intense contrast between the newly-arrived cool air and strong winds from outside and the slightly-too-hot water falling onto my skin…

I rubbed casually my skin and my muscles for longer than I know, and eventually cleaned my body as I had intended with the shower… my toes were all prune-y… my eyes were barely open… I was barely moving… just standing there, slowly changing the angle of my head and neck under the water…

My headache subsided, but did not disappear…now, I sit(?) on the floor, my shins and knees and elbows and forearms pressed to the floor, occasionally dropping my head to hang limply or to rest sideways against the carpet…

My thinking is sporadic, my ankles and feet and elbows tingling… I feel like I have missed something that everyone else knows about for tonight, but I can’t distinguish even what sort of something that it is… a sense of delirium seems to be clouding my view…, but, perhaps, it is just the exhaustion beginning to close the edges of my eyes, thereby blurring the periphery…

Sleep…. is a necessity now…

Sleep… is my solace and my comfort… my medicine and my confidant…

…

Post-a-day 2020

Don’t know; don’t care – just do it

My phone reminder is demanding that I write – ‘But about what?!,’ I ask it!

‘About my continued quest to find my soulmate; the trials and tribulations that always feel like they are getting somewhere at last, yet always leave me wandering knowingly all on my own, much like before?

‘About my change in language tendencies due to influences by whatever book or books I am presently reading, or film I may see on a given day?

‘About how tired I am?

‘About how unclear my emotions are regarding having to go in to the office tomorrow, and to be in a world where a face mask is mandatory?

‘About how I really just want a banana and some orange juice right now?

‘And also like every day going forward from now?

‘What about how my dreams have begun to take such altered shape that I cannot even recognize them in my memory?

‘Or my desire to teach yoga and meditation in prisons?

‘Or dance to youth in juvenile detention facilities?

‘Or art and yoga to both?

‘And my pull toward being, in general, an artist as a means of financial support and survival and thriving in life – what about that?’

My phone gives me no answer… it remains stoically the same, brandishing to me the same reminder it gives at this time every night, though never quite so peculiarly times as it has been timed tonight.

Alas, I share briefly instead of the various topics that take up most of my brain power right now, and then I turn to sleep… sleep… sleep.

Goodnight ❤

Post-a-day 2020