Month: December 2021

Thank you, officers

After lots and lots of searching and calling and waiting, a station officer told me that I actually just needed to call 9-1-1, and tell them it was not an emergency, so they could clock it as a non-emergency and actually get me the help I needed… at the then-1:15 in the morning.

And so, I did. It was bizarre. After waiting another very long time, however, I sorted out something slightly sketchy to solve the problem, and called them back to cancel. I explained what I had had, the woman apologized at my having had to do that, and said she understood why I was wanting to cancel the officer, and said that she would cancel it.

Not even a minute and a half later, the police vehicle showed up in front of the house.

So, I went on out and talked to the two officers. They were extremely sweet, understood why I wanted to cancel, and gave me a much better option that left me feeling, I believe, joyful and extremely grateful, of course.

But wow… how often do I stay out late in the first place? And the one time I do in a long time, it ends up being past midnight, and I end up on the phone with 9-1-1 and talking with several police officers… haha

But I am safe and well. Remember that.

Post-a-day 2021

A Fine Day, Today

I am still not clear of the depression, but I am significantly improved today. I got things done, and I enjoyed doing them. They went all wonky with order and finish times. And that was okay – I rolled with it with much ease and only a little strain. I know my body is dealing with a lot, and that’s okay. I haven’t been helping it with my food situation the past two-three weeks. (That’s been a bit of a bad positive feedback circle itself… and with sleep, too.) I have been improving on the sleep and the life-attitude parts especially, and am working on setting things up to improve even more, day by day. I started menstruating this afternoon, and that is a sign that my body will chill out a bit – read “loads” – in the next 12-24 hours, and I’ll not have to be physically aching to reproduce, constantly bombarded by daydreams of fit, wealthy, gorgeous men (I’m not saying that’s a bad thing to have on one’s mind, but it’d be nice not to have it shoved upon me at all times of day and night.) anymore. I am grateful for that. I always feel so crazy when my body does its last-ditch effort to reproduce… sigh

I am nervous about tomorrow. I am nervous about being seen as bad or wrong or evil. I am worried about being rejected in my human love and care. I am worried about being misunderstood. I am worried about being unacknowledged, unnoticed, ignored. I am worried about feeling like I am in trouble…. sigh….

Now, if I let all that go, now that it is acknowledged, I am delighted and excited about tomorrow! I can hardly wait to give my next gift to someone. I gave my Secret Santa gift tonight, and the person was delighted. We have a whole group text thing for all of our employees. We have a group just for the Secret Santa, too. But my person shared a photo and an adorable message in the group with everyone tonight:

YALL!!! LOOK WHAT MY SECRET SANTA DONE DID FOR MEEEE!!!!!

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!!😊😊😊❤❤❤

Suffice it to say that, though I was bummed I hadn’t done a better job, it was still very well done and very well set up. And as a $10-limit Secret Santa gift, it was quite impressive. I don’t know if she knew I had given it to her – though my name was clever put on the calligraphy pages, as I have an actual calligraphy name stamp (but it is in Japanese, and stylized, AND the katakana of Hannah look like 80 in Japanese kanji…, so there’s a big chance she can’t and won’t read it) -, but I am excited at and satisfied with her excitement in the present.

Tomorrow, however, I have my fingers majorly crossed for the gift I am giving someone I care about and love dearly. You see, he kind of needs a Hawaiian shirt. Yes, need is loosely used, but somewhat applicable nonetheless. He also loves purple. Many purples don’t look great with his skin tone and eyes and hair – my mom and i have discussed this, of course. Hawaiian shirts don’t exactly come in purples that often either. So, it was a struggle not only to find a purples shirt, but to find a pretty, acceptable pattern and shade of purple, as well as a non-polyester-piece-of-junk shirt. The idea was to give him “flowers” for a performance he has. Those “flowers”, of course, would be the hibiscus flowers on the Hawaiian shirt. However, with all the purple nonsense – not that purples is nonsense, but the searching was silly -, the shirt we found is actually just mountains and clouds and palm trees… so, no flowers. Now, I am at the point of determining whether to include actual flowers now, and just wrap them in the shirt somehow, or to do something else comparable… I even considered getting white flowers, setting them in purple water, and letting them dye purple, and giving them with the shirt. But the whole point of the shirt was that it was roughly the same price as flowers would have been, so it really was instead of flowers…. So, i don’t know right now. I think I’ll go to bed and let myself be rested tomorrow morning to figure it all out.

Yes, I do that now, thank you. ;P

Post-a-day 2021

Tomorrow

“Remind me in the morning to get the newspaper from the mailbox for the practice writing”

“Done,” replied Siri.

We are doing a Secret Santa gift exchange at work, right? $10 limit. My person loves Pocky and Anime, so I got a Costco box of Pocky for $9, and I will be writing her name in katakana and in kanji on separate calligraphy papers, along with the katakana of the company where we work together on a third page. However, I need to practice a bit before doing the official pages. I don’t live near an Asian grocer, so I couldn’t easily pick up a handful of free newspapers like everyone usually does. However, I saw in the mailbox yesterday – no, I don’t bring in the mail daily, because there is not often mail, so I am not in the habit – the neighborhood newspaper. It is smaller than a regular paper, but its texture and consistency is quite similar to that of regular newsprint, making it a fine substitute for practicing calligraphy. Therefore, in order to do the gift tomorrow, I need first to practice. And, in order to practice, I need first to acquire some newsprint. Alas, I have a reminder in my phone to go grab the newsprint accessible to me and get started, first thing in the morning (after the early workout, of course). I look forward to it greatly.

(Today has felt wonderful. Also, we found a place to live! Well, a place we want and hope to live in the near future… We have submitted an application. We shall see what happens. Fingers crossed, and God, bless us, please, with this beautiful apartment and beautiful deal. Thank you for all. Amen.)

Post-a-day 2021

Depressively alone – alas, a prayer

Well, I think I actually accomplished a decent amount today, but I definitely don’t feel very accomplished. In fact, as I noticed earlier today, I have noticed symptoms of depression, especially today. I know that I am about to begin menstruating, and that always gives me an edge of somberness. But it feels like much more than that. I feel a sense of loneliness in my solitude throughout the day, and I struggle to do just about anything – even going down to the bathroom takes extra effort, and so I end up drinking less water – and that includes eating. While I recognize these signs, and I struggle to do anything about them on my own, I do know to reach out for support when I am like this. So, with much schedule-changing, I managed to have dinner with my dad, putting me into contact with at least one person today, and giving me a hearty and filling plate of caloric nutrition. I actually felt sick as I headed out to dinner, I hadn’t had nearly enough food throughout the day… or over the past couple days beforehand either. And my sleep has been short and poor… It gets harder for me to go to bed when I am feeling like this. One of the earliest signs of it all – wanting to call someone whenever I am alone, especially driving, and not being excited about getting to bed at night are two of the most obvious early signs of depression for me.

But I have started accomplishing things today. Tomorrow morning, I have two activities that I must attend – not the gym – and that likely will help me power forward with accomplishing things in my day. I’m hoping to get some calligraphy practice (if not the actual present) done beforehand in the morning, though I might just have tea and chill (or tea and coding practice/lesson) in the morning, since it’s already nine o’clock now, and I still have to stretch and read before bed. If I go the latter route, then I will do the calligraphy after the yoga and apartment appointments, and then go to the music concert in the evening. I hope it is chilly tomorrow. Chilly but bright days help me get going with things, because I get to dress up in cool-weather clothing, which I love. And Christmas clothing!

I even played ukulele tonight a bit. Twice. Only one song, but it’s a tough one. “What are you doing New Year’s Eve?” I really like the song, and I want to do a recording for this year on my own. However, I haven’t exactly been playing much lately, and there are a lot of silly chords (aka uncommon and not-so-eay, but not-impossible) chords throughout it. And the singing is tough, too, for one part. But it is a good challenge, and I think it might even be helpful to me right now. If I can plan to record it in the next week or so, then that will be helpful in my accomplishing things as a whole, I know.

I’ve been wanting things to be settled more before I dive back into working at the clothing shop regularly. I don’t want to commit to shifts until the last minute. That bugs me, but that’s where I am right now. I’m in a major FOMO space. I think it is because I feel so alone that, should someone invite me to do something, I want to be able to seize the opportunity. But then, when people don’t invite me, it kind of makes everything worse. It sounds like I need to go ahead and start working more again. Hey, even if I work the maximum hours allowed per week, it won’t even be 25 hours of my week. So, I need to get over it and just ask to work in the mornings on weekdays period. Ugh… She’s right, you know… Yes, I am aware… 😛

I think my fear of it was that I would grow too comfortable being the woman who works at this shop, and I would forget the woman who taught those kids… kind of like I had before… God, guide me, please… Help me to be clear exactly which path to follow right now, and help me to follow it with the confidence that you will remind me of what I need to know, exactly when I need to know it. Please, help me. Amen.

P.S. I realized earlier that 2020 was literally the longest year of my life. Truly, it was literally the longest. I am not misusing the word where “figuratively” should be used. I was in The Philippines for NYE 2019 to the first few days of 2020. That meant my 2020 began 14 hours earlier than it would have in Houston, Texas. Then, I was in Texas (Galveston, to be precise) for NYE 2020 to the first of January of 2021. How is this different from 2017, you ask, when I was in Japan for the start and Texas for the end of the year, a 15-hour difference to a regular year? Well, 2020 was also a leap year. So, my 2020 had not just 24 hours on any given year, but it had 38 hours more to it than any average year of my life. And that is pretty cool. The fact that it aligns beautifully with the bizarre events of the world’s drama just tops the whole things off. I love a good nerdy joke, and God and The Universe know it. Thank y’all for such a blessing as it was to discover that today, as well as for the year itself. 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤ OXOXO

Post-a-day 2021

Uhm, what?

Around 1:30pm today, I was worried. I hadn’t gone to the gym. I guess I had forgotten…, but how did that happen, I wondered? I thought back to when I went to bed last night, and how I got up this morning… and just a sec.. I did go to the gym this morning… What??

Yes, I had gone to the gym this morning. But so much had happened since then, I had felt like it was a totally different day already – the gym felt so, so long ago already. Bizarre, of course, but phew! I was worried there for a minute or two.

I was still restful today, but differently. I did accomplish a bit of the laundry this evening, which was a good start. Now I just need to progress tomorrow or Wednesday – going to help pack up at my grandma’s house out of town tomorrow. I managed important tutoring stuff this morning, providing help on literary analysis essays. I went to a stage production of Truman Capote’s “A Christmas Memory” with my mom at noon. It was great acting, to be sure, and we both enjoyed the little production and seeing a new stage. Though, I was exhausted and my eyes were closing a bunch throughout the show. Yes, I absolutely followed the whole thing, but my eyes definitely did not see the whole thing.

I can home and took a nap after the show, as I was so tired, and then went for my laser hair removal session. I had purchased what is called a Brazilian extension/extended area package. Aka -****Warning for real-body language coming up here**** – the labia, the anus, and the inner edges of the buttocks. However, I didn’t know about the labia part when I first got the package. By the time I tested how things felt and worked up the courage for myself, I had them start doing the labia, too. I’ve finished with all the rest of the lasering of hair, but now am making up for the lost time/sessions on the labia. It was really hard for me to say the words or loud for this, and I still am working on it, but I have improved much in my confidence, willingness, and comfort with the conversation and words, and I am grateful. The fact that I am writing this with real words at all speaks volumes to my improvement.

Anyway, I’m planning on a Secret Santa gift for a coworker. She likes Pocky and Anime, among other things. We have a $10 limit. So, I got her a Costco package of Pocky for $9, and am writing out three sheets of calligraphy for her in Japanese. One will be the name of our company in Japanese, one will be her name correctly written in Japanese, both of those using the foreign words alphabet, and one will be kanji of her name in Japanese (the Chinese characters that have the same pronunciation as her name in Japanese, and give a new meaning to her name with each character’s individual meaning). My mom and I both think she’ll enjoy it all, especially since she’s a huge anime fan. Usually, that spans a broad spectrum of just about anything tied to Japan and Japanese language. I hope she really enjoys them all. I know I would love such a gift! … Speaking of which, I wish I had people who thought out and planned it things like this for me more in my life. I love planning and plotting and, finally, giving gifts to people. But I sometimes end up just a little bit sad afterward, because almost no one ever does anything similar for me. Just my mom, really.

Anyway, in that somewhat sad note, I shall sign off for the night. I think I need to allow myself to experience this sadness, in order to allow it to be heard, at last, and to set it free. So, I shall sleep from here and feel the sad if no special presents for right now.

P.S. My mom and I celebrated Hl. Nikolaus day today together. We both brought each other things that had been ‘left’ with shoes in our own houses for each other. It was absolutely silly, but quite wonderful. I always loved December sixth as a child, and I’m glad I get to love it again. Last year, he brought me all the fixings for and a sewing machine itself. This year, he brought me spices, sweets, heart-shaped agates and stones, and some of the greatest leggings ever. I am quite grateful!

Post-a-day 2021

Ugh

I feel somewhat depressive tonight. I don’t feel like I did anything very valuable today, and I didn’t accomplish much that can be seen. I probably just need to go to bed already, and actually get stuff done tomorrow. I went to bed at almost three in the morning last night, so much sleep was had today. I did research and purchase an important present for someone this morning – need it for this weekend – and I went to the special night prayer service at church tonight after Mass. I also rested and movie-d today, which I energetically and emotionally needed, I think. The party last night, which followed three other events filled with people throughout the day, which started at 7am after only five hours of sleep, left me quite drained in all accounts. I need people interactions in my life, but that was a lot to manage yesterday, especially being already physically tired to start off the day.

So, today was necessary and valuable exactly as it was. By it just felt lame and unproductive. Plus, I’m about to start menstruating, which isn’t helping this feeling improve. I feel like there is an innate part of us that always knows that we are here to reproduce effectively, and it lets us know when we are not doing our jobs. For me, I end up stressed and feeling like I’m sucking at life – even when things are great – just about every menstrual period. Bizarre, I know, but real.

Anyway, I’m off to sleep. Exercise in the morning will help with the feelings, too, and I’m hoping it will kickstart my tidying up my bedroom at last. Fingers crossed!

Post-a-day 2021

Girth

‘I know what I want, but where is he?!’

‘He’s improving his girth.’

‘He’d darn well better be! That’s important…’

……….

A bit of a lighthearted scuffle seems to be happening just behind me. Perhaps it is someone try to squeeze by between the chair backs. Two people are laughing. One says, “We both have girth..,” and I turn to see to whom he was speaking. It is my girlfriend’s mom. What on Earth is he talking about??????

Eventually, I realize he was referencing the width and thickness of their bodies, and those being the reason it had been difficult for her to pass by with his standing there. That makes sense…

But who on Earth uses girth to talk about anything other than male genitalia? Who????

Apparently this guy does, but he must be one of a select few in the world…

And so, a brief conversation on girth and its implementation ensued. Thus the opening remarks on here. Naturally, girth came up several times over the next few hours. They were great.

Post-a-day 2021

Ice and music

Driving in the car, jamming to Coolio’s “Gangster’s Paradise” with one’s 9-year-old nephew, both singing along, is one of the coolest things.

He had gone with me to an ice hockey game. That in and of itself was awesome, and we both had a great time. The coaches even gave him a special puck with the team name on it after the game, and he was beyond delighted. He also conveniently took my sweatshirt with him into the house at the end of the night… the sweatshirt that was in support of the team we were there to see. Also, as we walked out of the facility, there were fireworks happening right out in front of us, for some nearby event, apparently. But it felt like fireworks in celebration of the team’s win. Even though he commented on how it sounded painful, everyone slamming into the walls and each other and smacking the puck so loudly, he is interested in trying ice skating and, potentially, ice hockey itself. That wasn’t the intention of the night, but it is certainly a positive reinforcement of his having had a good time at the game.

Just before going inside before the game, we had sat in the car for several minutes, pulling up song she wanted to hear. They were all cool rap/r&b-type songs. On the way home, he had a few dreadful little kid-type rap songs on request. After a few, though, their time was finished. So, I put on one of the songs of the genre that I most loved as a child: “Gangster’s Paradise” by Coolio. He had said he didn’t know the sigh when I had asked him. Once it started playing, however, he had recognized the song.

And so, we jammed to it together. And then, during the chorus, I realized that he was singing along with me. And, somehow, that was just the greatest.

I feel like we had some really great bonding tonight together, my nephew and I. I have wanted to do that for quite some time, so I was extremely grateful that it turned out that only the two of us were going to the game tonight – no sisters this time. Afterward, he asked to come with me I another game, but only he, not his sisters. He only wanted the two of us there, which was super wonderful to hear for me.

Post-a-day 2021

Naked Nights

I am not one for nudity for myself. I like having underwear and some sort of top, be it a shirt of bra. Otherwise, I don’t need pants or shorts, and the bra-shirt is easily an either-or situation. This is somewhat different from where I was as a child, as the bra part was important to me. However, since I was little, one of my favorite outfits for around the house was underwear, a top, and a sweatshirt, possibly also with socks, if it’s cold enough. I have no idea why, but I love this outfit. Nowadays, I love being in a bra, a sweatshirt, and sweat pants (with underwear, of course) when it is cold out – love it. However, I am not one for being entirely without. Yes, I have been working on it much in recent years, and I have reached a whole new level with comfort in my own naked body. No, I still don’t actually enjoy being naked.

And yet, here I am, having sat here for almost two hours at this point, cross-legged on the floor, post-shower, completely naked. And I’m okay. It hasn’t been anything like a spectacular night or anything, but I haven’t been uncomfortable either. There was one point early on, when my body did something, that I wanted to go to the bathroom and get dressed. But, as I was in the middle of something, I put it off briefly. Until I kind of forgot about it. I didn’t forget forget, but it wasn’t bugging me anymore, and I moved my attention elsewhere. Now, it’s been over two hours, I’m writing this whole thing (have paused bunches), and still haven’t gotten up to get dressed. Bizarre. But kind of cool, too.

😛

Post-a-day 2021