Why does education and race have to come into the conversation? Well, because there’s usually a very good reason for a stereotype. But being upset about the situation and merely perpetuating and allowing the stereotype to continue serves no one. Acknowledging where things truly stand, and then doing something to improve the education that perpetuates the stereotype, however… Now, that would serve us all, and very, very well.
Post-a-day 2021
We went to Galveston specifically to have a malt together. One of my favorite parts of having a malt, aside from the malt flavor itself, is having the cold, cold beverage served in the tall, frosted, metal mixing cup, and eating it with the long metal spoon. Usually, my mom eats what is served in the glass, and I have exclusively what is still in the metal cup. There’s just something about it that completes the experience for me.
We arrive at the shop today, and discover that the confectionary is only serving items in styrofoam cups at present…
Well, I’ve waited close to two and a half years at this point, so I suppose I can wait a while longer to have this malt experience.
In the meantime, my mom has determined to do her best effort of making a vanilla malt for me at her house on Sunday afternoon. She supposedly has all the necessary ingredients and tools, so we shall see what happens…
Post-a-day 2021
I am cold, but not ashamed, sitting naked on the floor.
I have been putting together ideas for how to approach a particular class that I’m teaching. You see, I absolutely love teaching – I can’t stop getting excited about it, when I have the opportunity actually to do it. I just love teaching and helping people learn things. And teaching foreign language, despite its struggles, is one of the most exciting things I have ever been able to do in my life. I really wish that I could devote more of my life to doing just that: teaching foreign language.
I think I always got so frustrated with teaching, even though it was mostly foreign language, because of the books I had to follow. I would do my best to use the books, but despised how terrible they were, not just in terms of accuracy, but in terms of how ineffective they were in creating someone who genuinely could say, “I speak this language.” And so, I would make a belated effort to come up with something better, while keeping on track with the required timing of the course, and covering whatever silly info the book had thrown in as ‘important’ for the course. Actually, of the courses – I was never just teaching one, but usually three to five courses in French, all at once.
And I think that that is how I grew so exhausted. The frustration combined with the inefficiency and knowing that I could do so much better, if only I had the time. Yet, when summer came around, or any other longer break, I was already too exhausted to do anything about it all, and too overwhelmed by the frustrations and inefficiency in which I had been living for so many months already. It was easier just to give up. And, eventually, it was easier just to walk away. The state requirements were too stupidly set up for my efforts to be worth it on my own, it felt.
And yet, there was something else. Something I hadn’t realized until, perhaps, this week… maybe, even, until today.
I had not found a place where I truly wanted to put forth the effort. I had not found a school for which it felt my efforts would be worth it.
And yet, as I mentioned, though I never take work home with me, I am sitting here on the floor, most likely at home (because I’m definitely not sitting around in my office naked), working. But this isn’t work for me. It is something I am excited and impatient to do. So, I am doing it. Well, I was doing it. Once I hit the point of being done for now – no longer thrilled by it -, I closed up shop for the night. I likely will revisit it all tomorrow and Saturday, and possibly will go in to school on Sunday or Monday for the more “work” part of it all, the labor that isn’t so fun, but necessary for it all to be great.
And, you know, I excited about that. What kind of weekend is that? A wonderful one, filled with a sense of accomplishment and helping make the world a better place, and making a positive difference in the lives of those around me, on the lives of people I love.
So, I can hardly wait to get back to work. For now, though, Imma get up, get dressed, and get to sleep, because I’m exhausted.
Goodnight, all.
And may God and The Universe bless us all with love. 😉
P.S. If you got that song reference, it is extra fun, because I really have been torn about all of this teaching stuff lately. I thought I had left teaching for good…, but then I got an e-mail and phone call this summer, and here I am, teaching for the semester… and loving it in the most ironic of ways.
Post-a-day 2021
I told the boys in last period today, before class started, that I was exhausted and that I was rather borderline in tears, and requested that, therefore, they aim, please, to be a bit more gentle in class today, be kind, help me out. They seemed stunned, and some even openly asked what was up for me. I just told them that there were just a lot of things with which I am having to deal at present, both in- and outside of school, and I’m exhausted.
And, though they are very young and forgetful and ridiculous and lacking in self-control, they actually did a very decent job today. Several of the boys helped keep others in check, such that I didn’t have to tell them each to hush so often as usual. It was still tough, but much improved from usual, and their genuine sweetness shone through. It made me love them even more… which made me want to cry for a whole ‘nother reason! 😛
Post-a-day 2021
Sometimes, I think nature is unfair. The Darwinism inside of us thinks only of certain degrees of fitness, when it evaluated those around us. It cares little for whether someone is emotionally available, or anything like that. It cares almost exclusively for the breeding power of the individual. And so, every time I ovulate, I get a terminator-style analysis presented to me of every single male I cross, declaring his ranking on the scale of positive breeding potential…, with absolutely no concern as to whether I actually want to have such an analysis… on any of them, let alone all of them.
But such is life, it seems.
One plus, I suppose, is that I would be well aware of whom to seek out, should we have a population crisis, and we needed to rebuild the population ASAP. 😛
Post-a-day 2021
Do I write poetry?
Or does poetry write me?
Or, perhaps, I write poetry,
and poetry rights me…
I experience an extreme
lack of understanding
from the people I meet.
They do not see me
almost at all,
though they believe
that they see all.
If I cannot express simply
who I truly am,
how could someone else define me
with just a glance?
Ender said it,
and I felt it, because
How can you judge me,
If you do not first know me?
And how can you know me,
If you do not first love me?
It is little wonder
i feel so alone.
I’m surrounded by judgements,
So,
barely seen,
barely loved,
barely known.
But by myself.
Post-a-day 2021
Tonight, I partied hard.
Well, sort of. Tonight, I went to an open hoise for a circus arts place to see my friend perform. Afterward, I got to learn some basics on the lyra. Both were spectacular.
After that, she and I joined a few of her circus world friends for their late dinner. I then checked if someone I knew who frequented the restaurant-bar across the street happened to be around. This was the second Saturday in a row that I ended up in a place right next-door to that restaurant-bar. This time, I was on the other side of it from last week. However, he was not there this week either.
So, the circus friend and I headed over to the house of two of the people from the late dinner. We hung out there together, and partly worked on the beginning of a stressful puzzle. Once I had accomplished something satisfying, I went home. It was after one in the morning. I haven’t been out so late doing things in I don’t know how long. I am utterly exhausted right now, but I’m still working on everything I need to do before I can go to bed comfortably. I was on a Zoom hangout briefly, on the way to the house of the people, and the people on the call were laughing at how I was out and about so late at night. It was already around 11 PM, and I typically am in bed by 9 PM at the latest.  we all found it hilarious that I had been surprised to see so many people out walking around in the area. It was my own neighborhood, and I had had no idea that so many people were out walking around so late on a Saturday night. It certainly makes sense, but that didn’t make it any less surprising, seeing as how I had never seen it happen until tonight.
All in all, it was a very nice night, but it went way too late for my taste. Nonetheless, I am glad I participated in it so fully. Thank you, God and Universe, for this opportunity. Now, I pray that I be able to rest fully tonight, despite the fact that it is currently after 3 AM, which is practically when I normally wake up every day.
Post-a-day 2021
I wrote another song this week. I was hesitant to share it with the public, as my opinions are not exactly the most vocally common… However, I felt that it was the piece of love that I needed to share with the world right now, and so I sucked it up, let it all go, and shared the song. The following is all I said with it.
“I was deeply distraught regarding many, many experiences, both firsthand and secondhand, recently, and I finally started to write about it on Sunday. My frustrations came out in verse, as has been common for years for me. As I wrote them, I was able to release them, and was left, instead of with despair, with the hope of stepping into something of value and filled with love. These words were what was left filling the page, and _________ asked for some ukulele… So, here we have another ukulele song! ;)”
Post-a-day 2021
Sometimes, life feels unreasonably difficult. It is often music that helps me to reground in these times. And, somehow, this particular song, over and over, does just that, giving me both hope and a reminder that I can do this and the Universe and God are with me, supporting me on this path.
I know that it is I who have chosen to pursue this path. I am the one who chose to do things as I did, and I am the one who will continue to choose how I do things going forward. Sometimes, it feels like I picked wrong, chose wrong. Sometimes, I find myself mourning what feels like a major loss of potential or opportunity in my life. Right now, I feel that with teaching. Every time I teach, I am reminded of the life I could have led, had I continued in my pursuit of full-time high school teaching.
However, every time I teach, I am also reminded of how miserable I end up becoming at some point in the mix. There is something about it that just does not work with who I am in this life, who I am meant to be, and what I am made and meant to do.
Be who you are meant to be, and you will set the world on fire. I love that phrase. Yet, when I teach full-time in a school, I sometimes end up wanting to pull out a flame-thrower on my whole life, and just burn it to the ground. Definitely not the same idea…
So, I am 100% here in the life on this planet to teach. But I haven’t yet figured out in what capacity. I am heading in a direction that feels right, and in such an unexpected and terrifying way that only God and the Universe would have planned such a pattern. I am not there yet, though, and there are still many places for change, plus there will be a lot of work I have to put into it all, especially in the next year. A lot.
But it is something I want to do. So, even though I don’t know how I will earn enough money to function, come November, I believe this is the path for me, and so I will blaze forth. Dear God and O my Universe, please, help me to create the strength, courage, and love I need to make this beauty possible, as best as I possibly can make it happen. Guide me as I step forward into this next What’s next.
Amen.
Post-a-day 2021
Some days,
I just want to hold some
Body.
Some days,
I just want to hold
Myself.
And some days,
I just want some body
To hold me.
But most days,
The first and the last
Are on hold.
I’m growing weary,
So often being on hold.
I’m growing tired,
Of being all I have to hold,
While on hold,
on my own.
Post-a-day 2021
hannah ananas 