Tag: goals

Saturday in the park

I planned a surprise boys weekend for my man. My two brothers (one who lives in Wisconsin) showed up Friday evening, right when my man finished work for the day, for an evening hanging out with steaks and green beans, cigars and drinks, and general merriment (without me), as the start to their two-night sleepover party. I had gone out with my mom and stepdad for the evening, only to return just before midnight to the boys out back, sipping bourbons and smoking cigars, while music blasted inside the house, so they had a gentle soundtrack seeping to them and the dog on the back patio. They hung out until very late, before finally being almost forced to go to bed, just so they could get up and be alive for the full schedule today. They seemed to be having a great time already.

Today, I made them double-chocolate pancakes with bacon and eggs for breakfast, and then shoved them out the door at half-past ten. They were scheduled to meet at a gun range with some family friends – my friend’s husband and dad – and our stepdad for some shooting time. They had a whole line of guns ready for them to swap around and shoot together, and I was gently envious of their time – I most certainly wanted to go myself, but I had promised a boys weekend for my man, specifically without me (and, no, he didn’t know that, since he didn’t even know about the weekend at all, but it was the whole reason I’d wanted to plan something in the first place, so I was sticking to it). However, I digress… Anyway, instead of the anticipated hour shooting and half hour to fiddle around there, they ended up shooting for about an hour and a half – it wasn’t busy, so no one kicked them out of the lanes – and then hanging out in the private lounge for another long while, just chatting. I’d anticipated an hour and a half at the range, yet they spent over three hours there. And, according to my stepdad, “It was Awesome,” and they all had a great time. 😛

(Bonus there is that the boys didn’t have to pay anything, because the other three are members of that gun club, and each gets a free guest and free protective gear for all parties to use, plus I made sure guns were brought by all who had them, so there were enough to go around without any renting. Not bad for something my brother had originally said was an expensive thing to put on the schedule. [It’s okay, I’m amazing, and it becomes clear to all, eventually. 😛 ] Granted, I did have to pack the bag for my man as they were rushing out the door this morning, as he’d not realized that he might want to bring guns to a gun range. I blame that on his still half-asleep state. They were up until three last night…)

Afterward they finally left the range, which was after two PM, they went to lunch at the one place I had recommended in the area, and then went to play with the mini-drone my brother had brought, while they waited for their 5pm tee-time (that’s golf). Apparently that was quite cool and silly and fun.

Then, they had their round of golf. If it had been busy, they wouldn’t have been likely to have finished the full 18 holes. However, since there were some openings/cancellations in tee-times, they were able to start on time but on the back half of the course, and actually play all 18 holes. The last one, they said, was rather tough in terms of visibility – sun was going down, you see – but was still doable. The sun had been really hot, but the later tee-time helped relieve a good amount of the painfully hot sunshine, and just make it quite hot.

When they were finally leaving the course at 8:40pm, my one brother requested a shower before dinner. So, instead of heading to the restaurant to eat, they just picked up the food and brought it home… which meant that I got to have a meal from the awesome Tex-Mex place, too(!). (Yippee! And thank you!) And they had the soft-serve ice cream cones while they waited for the food at the restaurant, as an appetizer, of course. 😛

I kid you not. Though I had purposely purchased ice cream stuff for them – it had been specifically requested – when they got home, they devoured their dinners, absolutely stuffing themselves from the intense hunger they were feeling after the hours of drone time and golf in the hot air and sunshine. Only one Snickers ice cream bar was eaten, and one fruit-based popsicle. So much for all the ice cream. 😛 Guess we’ll be eating that ourselves over the coming weeks. Haha

Anyway, after they’d eaten and showered (or showered and eaten, as was the case for my man and the one brother), we got on a stint of watching clips of old roller coasters from our beloved Astroworld, while my man passed out in a rocking chair. There was a touch of piano playing after the videos, and then they were beyond ready for bed, absolutely wiped.

After everything this weekend, they were tired little boys, and they had earned it, to be sure. I think they all genuinely had a good time, and I’m so glad it all worked out.

Tomorrow morning, the one brother leaves here at 8:30 to catch a flight back up North, and the other heads home to his wife whenever he wakes up. We have a lunch and then an afternoon thing for fathers’ day for each of our dads. Hopefully, we can be up for morning Mass. if not, we’ll have the evening Mass. And then, we likely will pass tf out, and early, tomorrow evening. This weekend had been good, but a lot, especially for the boys.

Thank you, God, for making this all work out so well this weekend. You answered my prayers for a positive boys weekend, and I am grateful, as you know. I am relieved it all went so well, and so pray that my man truly enjoyed it all, as that was the main goal. Please, grant us all safe travels tomorrow especially, and always. Thank you for this life and all this love. Thank you, especially for the love we all have been able to experience this weekend, and from many directions. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Great strides

I did a few hours of work today on my course, and then I closed up earlier than standard, and got down to business on the tidying. I truly handled the bathroom stuff surprisingly well, though it felt like it took forever. It was a few hours, to be sure, but the result is great. I’ve already been able to take advantage of having done it all, and it’s been super satisfying.

In addition, I got several other little things done that have been driving me kind of nuts lately. I even got my man in on it a bit, and he helped me hang a mirror and he finished hanging the guitars – needed a special tool for the spot where the drywall crumbled last night as he installed one of the hangers – which was awesome and very helpful. AND, now that the guitars are hung, I actually sat down and played tonight. More than once. And on more than one guitar. Super great. Super great. 😀

I think I’ll take tomorrow similarly. I have to go get flowers for my mom’s upcoming birthday, and so I might do that in the morning… we shall see. I like the ‘work a few hours on school, then a few hours on home’ schedule of today. Would love to start the day sooner tomorrow, though… haha

Okay, so, setting an alarm to get up, even though it’s almost two now. That’s okay. I won’t push it too much, but I will set the alarm short of the time that would give my body’s requested nine hours of sleep. I only slept about seven last night, and I think, with the current drive finally to do these things that have been giving me grief and stress so much recently, I can handle it. I can always take a nap in the afternoon, if needed, too.

With that, I go sleep, now. Goodnight!

Post-a-day 2023

Accomplishments come in many forms

Today, I was mostly busy tidying, and it felt really good. I’ve been so focused on doing my course lately – so that I can get a job and start earning money and saving money, so that my man can do the training he needs to pursue a job as a pilot instead of his current job – that I’ve felt bad anytime I’ve wanted to tidy instead. Even tidying in the evening for a bit has felt unfair, somehow, not to mention exhausting after a day filled with working hard mentally and avoiding thinking about how much I want to tidy the house.

Today, for whatever reason, I just chose to let it all go and to do the tidying I desperately wanted to do.

And I’m so glad I did it that way. It made all the difference. And I even went and coded a little teensy bit just before bed, which was satisfying in its own way, since it wasn’t required (by me) today, yet I did it anyway.

I just feel so… accomplished… after today. Yeah. My whole body viscerally feels the sense of accomplishment from today, and it is awesome. I am incredibly grateful.

Tomorrow, I genuinely want to do more coding work, but I still want to have a day similar to today in terms of tidying. I have a few little things I want to finish up and one bigger project involving sorting through and creating a storing method for all the bathroom stuff (for both bathrooms, really). A third of it is in the living room, a third is split between the bedroom and the other bathroom, and the final third is sitting in the guest room right now. I am getting sick of seeing all that stuff around and having to avoid using this or that because it’s too much of a hassle to go pull out. We have our bathroom vanity and drawers put together now, so I can go ahead and sort everything out for actual everyday storage. Time to find places for everything, at last.

Oh… I also have a ton of laundry to fold. Ugh. Hahaha. Hey, perhaps my man will decide to lend a hand there and learn how to fold his different clothes so they all store properly in his drawers. That would be cool. However, the likelihood is rather slim, so I won’t hope too hard on it. Rather, I’ll hope plenty hard in it; I just won’t expect it actually to happen. That’s the one. 😛

Anyway, off to sleep now, way later than wanted. But much was accomplished today. Much.

Thank you, God. Your will be done. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Uh-oh…

I have already felt like out chicken coop doesn’t quite have enough space for the chickens to stay locked up together during the daytime. Them’s chickens ‘s bigger th’n I ‘spected!

Yet, today, we were offered a few free chickens to add to our collection. And, of course, they are a breed that looks really cool, and of course I want them now… (Barred Rock is the breed, in case you want to Google them).

Not only does the coop not have enough grass area for them to stay locked up daytime already, but these new ones supposedly end up even bigger than most chickens, making them need even more space per chicken…

So, more money and more project time for my man to expand that coop, if we’re going to accept the chickens…

And I have a very strong feeling that we are…

The next days shall reveal!

Help us to see clearly, God. Please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Baby steps

As I’ve started to sit in the space of that I was actually very strongly and negatively affected by the stuff with the gym folks in August, things are starting to shift slowly within me.

We went on a long walk yesterday. Today, while relaxing with a film after dinner, I had a desire to do some arm work. So, I got the dumbbell and did sets of curls and strict presses for a bit while watching the movie.

These might and do seem small on their own. However, I can feel how massive they are by the weight they are both lifting from me. This is the direction I want to go. I so incredibly missed doing intense workouts, I can hardly stand it… lately, it has been hard to stand myself, really. I want these workouts and they make all the difference for me and my mental and physical and spiritual health. I want them in my life still.

And I know I have a lot to release in order to get back into them fully. Nonetheless, I will persist in my efforts to increase my exercise activity levels, as well as to release and release and release, so that I can complete. I have begun to reach a new stage of this strain. Instead of feeling pathetic as a victim, or apathetic or wanting to avoid every or merely depressed, I am entering the rage stage. I just want to scream and yell at them and be mad at how crappily they each did their jobs – I just want the whole world to know that these people failed miserably and neither noticed nor cared how any of it affected anyone else, especially me. The phase doesn’t feel long. I think I’ll just need to say it aloud and be angry for a few days, and then I’ll be able to let it go and move onward. Rage never lasts long for me. And it is always a sign of progress, as it is never my first phase in a situation. So, in this case, rage is good. Rage is very good. Haha 😛

Dear God, thank you for helping me to know myself and for helping me to experience this outrage and anger. Thank you for showing me the love and the responsibility that I do deserve and that does work in the world, such that I could be enraged at how these particular people treated me. Thank you for this opportunity to step away from a community that was no longer lifting me up and improving me. And thank you for whatever wonders are to come as I let this all go for good. Thank you for this life. Thank you. I love you. I love me, too. Thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A Prayer

Ave María, grátia plena, Dóminus tecum. Benedícta tu in muliéribus, et benedíctus fructus ventris tui, Iesus. Sancta María, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis peccatóribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostræ.

Amen.

Things are starting to shift significantly within me. I can feel the progress being made at present while I let it all be in the face of God. I have let His hands begin to work rather directly with it all, and He is incredibly capable, I am seeing firsthand.

Thank you, God. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A question:

When did I stop mattering? Or, rather, when did I stop being good enough? Worth it?

It was, almost, easy for quite a while for me to take care of myself. For me to go to bed early to get enough sleep, to wake up early with my natural body rhythm, to exercise greatly, to feed myself very nutritious foods almost always… to take true care of myself. It took little mental effort for so long…

Then something changed.

I don’t know what specifics it was or when, but something big changed inside. Something snapped for me. I have a feeling it was in August when the stuff went down with the gym… actually, yes, that was exactly it. (Haha. Duh. Already blocking it out, I guess! Better work on completing it instead, or I’ll be stuck in this cycle and state for even longer.) Yeah, that gym stuff really shat on me, for lack of better phrasing.

It’s interesting to see how subtle crap like that can have someone go from physically fit and strong, emotionally powerful, empowered, eager for life, and inspiring to a mere shadow of herself, both in terms of presence and in terms of the physical body. As I said to my mom the other day, referencing my being, my energetic space, “I keep getting smaller.” But the same could just as truly be said about my physical space. I’m down likely no body fat, but purely muscle loss of about ten pounds. I was already at nearly-prime physical fitness when I weighed 124lbs last year. The fact that I weigh 114 right now is starting to be a bit scary. Ten pounds is a massive change when one is only 124lbs to begin.

To add some extra context, when I was athletic in college, I weighed about 125-126. Later, when I was not doing great with my physical health and fitness, and I had gotten very sedentary (but never fat), I weighed 130lbs. Weight fluctuated between 128 and 130 on any given day for a few years. After a year at the gym, my muscle mass was way up and my fat was way down – yes, I did body scans for relative comparison over time – and my weight had only gone down about five pounds. So, in my prime physical fitness, I weighed about 124-125. That’s only a 5-6-pound difference from my heaviest. I’ve been in the same five-pound range my whole adult life. Now, in a matter of months, I am suddenly down ten pounds.

Not a great feeling in the mind.

I also have felt that I am, through allowing this struggle, torturing myself. And it hurts all the more that I can’t seem to figure out how to stop it, how to heal it for good. All efforts so far have been necessary, fear-based, and only meant to be temporary. I know they won’t solve anything, but I also know every little bit helps right now.

I think I might just want to sit with this tonight, sit with this sadness and the open-ended space for what I want to create for what’s next. Something is always next, and we always have a say in it. So, I will sit with this all tonight and see where it leads me for tomorrow’s considerations and inspirations.

Thank you, God, for this able-bodied brain and true logic. Help me to use them well, especially concerning my health and well-being. Help me to let go of the anger and the hurt and the need to fight back and attack and scream and yell at them for being so horrid to me. Help me to say to you what I seem to need to say and where I feel I need to be heard. Hear me, please, and help me to release and complete all of this pain and frustration I’ve been carrying around and by which I have somewhat literally been starving. And, if it be your will, please, teach those people not to be jerks – help them to see the light of you, so I don’t have to feel like punching them in the face anymore. That would be great, too. Thank you for a sense of humor. I appreciate when you make me laugh at absurdities. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. If you want to pray for my healing and my completion with all those events last year, I would appreciate it and I welcome the loving prayers. 😉 Thank you, too.

Post-a-day 2023

On the defense, offensively

I attended a women’s self-defense class today. A friend invited me multiple times, so I imagined it was expected to be a good class. It was taught by a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu instructor, which was actually the main reason I went. I had a feeling she would cover some extremely valuable stuff that is different from what we do in karate. By going, I could begin to round out my self-defense repertoire, something I’ve been wanting to do for some time now.

And I was right.

She covered some very simple ways to get out of wrist grabs, being bear hug-grabbed from behind, as well as how to take on being knocked to the ground and attacked by a man from the front/top, and, not only to stop him in two different scenarios, but to render him unconscious by restricting blood flow. That last part was definitely awesome to learn. I had always wondered how to do that, and I learned much for it today.

The whole class, though, I was thinking about whether I could execute this stuff on someone bigger and stronger than I am. I have always held my own in wrestling matches that are for fun, but all that stopped when I met my man. I do believe that I have not once bested him in any kind of wrestling scenario. I mentioned something of this to the instructor, and she said to bring him next time, so I can practice with him at the end of the class.

I guess I get to look forward now to practicing these crazy things with my man!

Thank you, God, for the many blessings of today. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Uuuagaggarrrggghhhh!!

I was at f***ing 97 days!!!! Aaaaaaahhhhhhrrrrggghhhh!!!!!! Aaahhh!!!! Aah!

And I missed it by 17 minutes. I had t even gone to bed or anything – I’d only just gotten home from a graduation party.

Talk about being pissed over something simple, yet being pissed, despite its being simple.

Ugh.

God, help me to release this pain, please. I have been working hard – please, help me to experience that. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Safe travels

Dear God, please, keep my man safe in his travels this weekend especially. Grant him the space he needs to release all that he has been carrying so heavily these past years. Help him to free himself willingly from the restraints that have kept him from being true to himself, true to the man You made him to be. Give him clear sight of who he wants to be, longs to be, was made to be, and grant him the tools and the endurance and the drive to become that man, always and forever. Thank you for the blessing of him. Help him to be ever more so the blessing Yoi long for him to be, both to the world and to himself. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023