Sometimes, the fantasies in my head seem just so entirely possible, attainable… I can practically feel them happening… and I can 100% see them happening…
And, sometimes, they just seem like absurd teenage fantasies that would happen never in a million years of my life…
::sigh
Post-a-day 2020
Have you ever had a time where you interact with a person you’ve known for a while, but you leave the interaction seeing the person entirely differently?
And then, have you ever left the interaction ready to cry, because that person just filled every need you had emotionally, but you are ovulating, and so his stellar level of physical fitness and adorably cute persona and face and hair ended up just reminding you of the facts that 1)you don’t have someone to be your someone, and 2)you really want someone to hurry up and be there for you to be your someone?
Okay, so maybe it is more a girl thing than a guy thing, and maybe it is more a me thing than an anyone else thing…, but, as the kids are saying these days, the struggle is real.
I am not attracted to him, though I have always acknowledged his adorableness and his pristinely perfect body – that is, I do not have a romantic attraction to him… I absolutely enjoy his presence and enjoy interacting with him, because he is a great guy, but I am not trying to date him or anything.
Yet tonight, as I struggled to get through what I was doing, he encouraged me so beautifully, and in the quiet, ‘I care about you,’ kind of encouragement, combined with the, ‘I am so proud of you for all you are doing for yourself right now,’ that it just touched me to the core.
Sitting at home later, I suddenly noticed that he was in my mind, and my mind was somewhat sad – I was okay that he wasn’t the someone for me, but his having been so perfectly wonderful with me tonight just re-emphasized the fact that I do not have that someone in my life yet (not in that capacity yet, anyway), and that I so totally want someone who will be like that, so caring and loving and calm and comfortable in his encouragement and help and love for me.
Suddenly, I wonder if I am all wrong in my interests, if something more like this guy is what I really want…, and then I remember that I have always wanted someone who is like this guy in the sense of being how he was tonight with the encouragement…. but that curl to the hair is risky cute.
Not that that’s actually news, though… we’ve known that from the start. 😂
Anyway… perhaps I’ll have lovely dreams that will sort out the remaining emotional stress from this, and I’ll have moved entirely forward by tomorrow when I awaken.
🙂
Post-a-day 2020′
I bought a pint jar of Talenti gelato tonight, when I went to the grocery store with my friend (on purpose to get ice cream).
I also bought bananas, though, which reminded her to get bananas for herself.
But we headed to the ice creams after we ha deselected our bananas…
And they did not have a single vanilla gelato with chocolate chips (stracciatella in Italian).
That’s a normal flavor here – it’s not like it is some exotic flavor.
And yet, for the second time this month, a grocery store didn’t have it.
And I don’t just mean they were out of it.
I think they didn’t even have it as a item that is stocked.
So, anyway, I saw in the back a Peppermint Bark one, which looked to be exactly the same as what I wanted, just plus peppermint.
So, I got it.
At the checkout, I was confused when my total showed up as $3.26.
I knew the Talenti were on sale, but that was only to four dollars and something… how was this possible?
And then I saw $3.96 on the receipt, and thought, “Oh, it was just a little extra discounted, and probably because it was a Christmas flavor they’re trying to get out,” thinking that that was the price of the Talenti.
And then, as I began to explain to my friend that my Talenti was extra discounted from the other discounts, comparing it to the listed $5.25 regular price, I saw that the $3.96 was listed as “Savings” on the receipt.
Finally, it all clicked:
The bananas cost $.89 and $1.06 (two small bunches), the Talenti was discounted $3.96 and actually cost $1.32, and my total bill was $3.26.
Basically, even though I had intended to wait a little bit longer before having gelato – my shorts are quite as loose as I had wanted, but they are loose enough that I noticed a huge difference already, and was comfortable with my extreme progress in the past two weeks – this ended up being the perfect time to have it: I saved four dollars by having it now instead of later, and I didn’t even have to drive myself to and from the store. 😛
It ended up being delicious, and the price just made it more enjoyable after the fact, reminding me that it was perfect to have it tonight.
So, basically, I had a lovely night in which my friend and I walked her dog for a really long and absolutely lovely walk in the early evening, ending just after sunset, and then we went and got ice cream, and we hung out for a lot time for the first time in a while, and it was just all around awesome (even though I got like five mosquito bites just before we got back home, and even though I was freezing riding home in my shorts that had been perfect with the sun up).
😀
Post-a-day 2020
Riding home tonight, I was quite chilled at the drop in temperature from when I had initially gone out while the sun was still up, but I knew I could handle the twenty-ish blocks I had to go, so I wasn’t worried.
Plus, I had verified that no rain percentage was forecast (above 0%, anyway), and I was heading straight home, anyway, so I would be okay.
Nonetheless, I wasn’t exactly taking my time to get up those twenty blocks to home – I was going as fast as was acceptable.
Which made it even colder for me.
And then, just as I was glad to have avoided something on the road, I feel a sort of odd spwhack! on my whole body.
Just as I begin to process the wetness of all of my exposed skin, I realize that I have just driven through a poorly placed water sprinkler.
Though it chilled me that much more, the comedy of it warmed me with laughter the rest of the way home… I could hardly stop laughing at the silliness and the irony combined.
😛
Post-a-day 2020
Have you ever gone from being somewhat nervous around and afraid of someone – as in someone who feels to have (or has) authority over you in some way or other – to feeling utterly welcomed and wanted and seen as an equal by that person?…
No longer feeling yourself to be below or in debt in any way to him or her, but feeling yourself to be one of the club and on equal grounds with that someone…?
Yeah…, it’s a really cool feeling, right?
I enjoy it, anyway, and it is really cool to see how it allows me to look back on it all and see how that person was always just a person – the only real difference between then and now, aside from time, is my own attitude toward and of myself and toward and of that person.
Makes me wonder where I could go ahead and change my attitude and opinion of things and people now, so that they can turn awesome now, instead of having to wait years and years for them to work themselves out for me.
Yeah…
Anyway… goodnight!
Post-a-day 2020
And then, suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere, you find yourself quoting and singing along to Disney songs with the other Americans at dinner, and you realize that you might actually be, in this moment, surrounded by friends… and all the fear and concern slips away, and you find yourself firstly delighted and secondly – and much more powerfully – filled with love for them… all of them.
And you notice that the love was always there, but it head been, in a sense, on hold, in the break room, in the green room…. it had been waiting for its cue, its invitation to join the party… it had been waiting to feel love coming onward before exploding outward with love.
And it makes you wonder what might happen if you just went ahead and loved so powerfully and fully right from the start with people, instead of worrying about a need to keep it cool, not to be so sappy or whatever….i f they then would sort out their own expressions of love toward you, and a lot sooner than usual due to the overflowing love already coming so openly at them…
Perhaps it could end up creating a whole new world of love in the relationships of your life…, and, even though it is scary to consider being so exposed and vulnerable, you find yourself genuinely considering it…
Or, maybe, is that just for me?
😂 Love the world, and it can love you back even better than you might have imagined, Banana… 😉
Post-a-day 2020
Have you ever had those things in your life that show up out of left field (when you aren’t even playing a field sport), and shock you so terribly that you can’t even seem to find a reaction?
You can see myriad ways that one might react or could react, and yet you can’t actually seem to react, yourself.
…
It’s like someone else’s made-up horribly terribly bad dream… but you can’t seem to find a way for it not to be so that this thing has happened…
…
And then, out of nowhere again, comes the desire to go talk with the person involved, in order to find out what on Earth happened… how did this ever come to be, this horrible, dreadful, awful thing?
Because maybe then you’ll be able to figure out how to react, how to respond to it all… maybe then you’ll be able to process this nightmare-you-never-even-imagined-come-true…
Have you???
As of tonight, I have. 
Post-a-day 2020
Well, it isn’t on my arms, but it is on my hand!
I hadn’t exactly intended to put the words on my hands when I started out, but they somehow happened anyway… I still find it an odd place to place them, but it does well to remind me constantly, because I always see the palms of my hands… which I’m not sure I knew before this week, and my constantly seeing the words on my palms.
People always use the phrase of knowing someone/something “like the back of my hand,” but I never understood it fully, because I don’t know the backs of my hands very well.
But I do know my palms, it turns out… I see them all the time. 😛
Also, this: The San Jacinto Monument, marking the location of the Battle of San Jacinto, which gave Texas its independence from Mexico in 1836.
Post-a-day 2020
It is bedtime (and has been for hours), and yet here I sit on the floor, being silly with my phone.
To be fair, I am not wasting away myself or my mental capacity – quite the opposite.
I have been practicing and studying Italian.
I’m one of the people on this planet who genuinely aim to use the genius cell phone technology to improve myself, and not simply to send a million bad photos to semi-close friends all day (and night) long.
So, rather than go to bed, I first sat listening to my latest audiobook (with the excuse that I was waiting for photos to load to my computer from my camera, but I sat long after the computer was already put away), then finally showered when my phone died; returned to my phone for some Italian practice and a jumpstart back into the game for my Duolingo learning league of the week; and then finally hit the point of declaring a need to go to bed, and so am placing my last few open-eyes moments here, writing this.
Op!… looks like we’ve lost one: only the right eye is fully open anymore… and the left is sagging below halfway…
Oop!… the right one just did a temporary slip, and they both closed briefly.
Now it is really time to get to bed, and not just to sit on the floor at the end of it, wearing my jumbo-knit (hand-made by yours truly) green blanket like a heavy Mardi Gras parade cape, considering whether I want to put on a sweater…
Oh, the silliness of sleepiness… 😛
Goodnight!
(Or, better yet: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!) ❤
Post-a-day 2020
I didn’t know him personally.
I didn’t really follow his career.
I’m not sure I ever even saw him in person.
Yet he was close to my heart, dear to me.
And my heart aches with surprising pains.
He was a constant in my life.
And constancy is wonderful in a world of ups and downs.
Kind of like the Eiffel Tower, or Canada – whether I visit them or not, I can always know that they are there, being the lovely things that they are, and people will share with me about them from time to time, their names popping round regularly, as though just to say, “Hi.”
That’s he he has been in my life.
As my dad pointed out, he was an up and coming name when I was first beginning to know and understand the existence of professional sports and the NBA…, so he really has been a constant for almost my entire life.
No, he wasn’t quite to the level of constancy as Hakeem Olajuwon or Michael Jordan or Shaquille O’Neal, but he arrived to the scene only shortly after I had learned to love them, and so he holds a similar place in my life.
Like I said, he has been a constant for me.
He simultaneously seems so old, because he had already retired from playing a few years ago (2016?), yet so young, because he is only 41 years old (I believe he was drafted at only 18 years old).
His story has been magical, and his playing was beautiful.
And, just saying, his smile has always been spectacular.
God, thank you for the glorious gift that has been Kobe Bryant to our world.
Thank you for all you’ve done, Mr. Kobe Bryant.
❤
Post-a-day 2020
hannah ananas 