women – Page 5 – hannah ananas

Trans-patio/table Conversations

“Dumm dumm dumm dumm dumm Dummm…”

For those who can’t read notes out of words, that’s the opening theme to Downton Abbey, and the ring tone that played from a nearby table at lunch today. A minute or so afterward, the girl behind me was talking across the patio to the woman who, I’d guessed, was the owner of the source of the ring tone. The girl behind me was mentioning hearing Downton Abbey…, I casually joined in on how I’d definitely recognized it, too. They mentioned about a movie, or possibly another one coming out, and then, If you like Downton Abbey, you should check out Outlander! I said that I was reading the books, and they were great but filled with ups and downs with the joys and sadnesses. The ring tone girl agreed. The girls at the table behind me were intrigued. I mentioned that my mom heartily recommends Outlander, too, the show. We had a few more comments and giggles, and then finally turned back to our respective tables fully as my dad sat back down at our table, rejoining me from his bathroom stop.

Three of us had mostly held the conversation among our three tables, though five of us had been involved. It was awesome.

And then, my dad asked what we had been discussing. I gave him a quick recap, and then he said, ‘Oh, I’ve seen it. The movie. It’s good.’

Jaw. Drop.

I hadn’t even known about this Downton Abbey film, and my dad has already seen and liked it?? Haha Ridiculously wonderful.

Thank you, God and Universe, for such a lovely surprise of lunchtime today. May you continue to guide me to be your love in the world through all that I am and all that I do. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Barely got it^…)

Goodnight

I’m worn out from menstruating. I can barely get myself to get ready for bed, I am so tired, and it is only six PM… and I’ve been trying for an hour and a half to get myself to do it all!

Ugh

Anyway, I worked out at noon today, instead of 5:15am, and it was rather nice. Back to business as usual tomorrow, though! So, I want to get to sleep now. I’ve tidied up and organized a bit more in my bedroom this evening, but it isn’t finished. Much more to do tomorrow. Plus, I want to go get the bedspread I’ve been seeking and have possibly found (online) tomorrow. Need to see it in person to confirm it is right, of course. 10am trip to IKEA tomorrow!

God, bless me, please, that I be filled with this needed rest, to the point that I have all the energy to accomplish it all tomorrow and onward this month. In Your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Yeah, my brain still says 2021 every time here)

1 January, folks

It is the first of January in the year 2022. How absurdly bizarre is that????! It just sounds like the future. Frankly, the 1980s seem closer to now than 2022. And yet here we are, in the faraway year of 2022, with the 80s…, well, a long time past.

I almost feel out of place, anachronistic in this world right now… and in more ways than one. That song I wrote recently is really big for me right now, with its whole thing on feeling I don’t belong and people not needing to be colorblind but just plain loving and kind, to see people for who they are instead of what they are. ::sighhhhhhhhh

Thank you, God, for this life. Please, with the Universe, help me to be Your love and to step forward fully and courageously all the days (and nights and sunrises and sunsets and moments of infinities) of my life. Help me, please, to find clearly my intention for this year, the year 2022 and Reiwa 4, that I might express it through my kakizome tomorrow, which will guide, support, empower, and remind me all throughout this year. Give me Your divine message tomorrow as I discover my kakizome for this year and begin to implement and be it tomorrow. In Your name I pray. Amen.

P.S. This is the first year in a very long time – a hundred years, in fact – that will not have had the wonderful woman of Betty White in it. Thank you, (God and) Betty, for all that you did and all the love that came out of your existence and how you shared yourself so lovingly with the world at large and at small. Thank you.

Post-a-day 2021

(Clearly, that ^ is not correct…)

Post-a-day 2022

(Wow, that seems weird!)

Fitness and food

An old coworker shared a video today from a fitness blogger girl (or something like that) who was saying that, though people have been giving her flak for it, she is not actually against dieting, as people were declaring about her. Rather, she is against the world of “diet culture”. The girl went into a bit of detail about all of that in the video, and my owl coworker commented and added, ‘I love this so much! People can want to make changes because it fits their personal values. It doesn’t always have to be to fit societal standards of beauty or acceptance.’

And I absolutely agreed with her on that. I sent her a quick follow-up message of the following:

“This has actually shown up for me as a bit of a struggle this year! It has been hard for me to share about my fitness goals and progress and struggles, including with food, because most of society doesn’t have similar goals, and can only see a ‘super fit white girl complaining about being fat and being super-restrictive with her food’… because that’s all they know, due to the whole diet culture and stigmas around fitness and food”

And it’s true. People often grow upset, to varying degrees, at my food choices most of the time. I typically eat a Paleo diet, and I do intermittent fasting (where I only eat food during an 8-hour window each day, then no food for roughly 16 hours). It isn’t a big deal, and I don’t make it a big deal. But I do stand up for myself and my goals, and I calmly let people know that I do not want or will not have such-and-such, whenever it doesn’t align with my goals for caring for my body. I want to be the best person I can be, the highest version of myself, and that includes my physical self. When I am physically well, I am best able to do all that I am here to do to make this world a better, love-filled place. When I eat food that makes me feel ill or like junk, I am not at my best. It has nothing to do with negative body-image or a lack of self-love or self-care. True self-care is actually caring for and taking care of oneself, not just using it as a stamp of approval to eat crap foods and drink loads of alcohol without repercussions or follow-up care. Self-care isn’t an excuse to be lazy. It takes work. But it is work that is well worth doing, and with all our hearts. At least, it has proven to be so every single day of my life. And I am extremely grateful for that work and all of its results and rewards so far and yet to come.

Post-a-day 2021

^Last One!! Wow!!!

Bedtime snuggles

I roll over in bed, curling up underneath the sheets, and I pull it close to my body, pressing it to my chest and upper belly, giving just enough pressure to my sternum and flex to my arms to release those comfort hormones in my brain… I can feel them releasing as it presses into me, my whole body easing, if only briefly. Why only briefly? Because a folded-up long-sleeve shirt only does so much as a stand-in for a life partner / man… But it helped for a few seconds, anyway.

P.S. I almost forgot to mention that I I finished with everything today for moving out – it is all completed, and I never have to return there, if I so wish it. What’s funny to me is that, as I am so completely done with the place, I had already moved on from it and partly forgotten about it. Life has continued without it, and that is clearly great by me. Thank you, God and Universe, for such a blessing as not only being finished but being so far past that that I forgot all about having some that today. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Hello, my dear, dear, perfectly-for-me man

I slept terribly last night, with the air a mess and a door constantly opening and slamming, due to the air pressure and all.

But, you know what? I had an aMAZing dream. I dreamt of my man. We had just met. He was someone’s brother. I had met his sister first, and, when she asked me how meeting him had gone, I told her I had no words. He was spectacular and everything perfect for me. Their dad was silly, yet wonderful. His sister was lovely already. But he was everything for me. My whole mind and body were perfect with him, beautifully in tune with him. And he was perfectly in tune with all of me, in every way.

At one point, we were driving in a car. I was shot gun, semi-sleeping, and he was driving. I was on my right side, turned mostly away from him. Someone was in the back seat. He and I had only just met that day or the day before. In my sleepy haze, I reached down and put my left hand against his right, which was resting below the steering wheel. He picked up his right hand after a moment and put it on the wheel, turning the car. When he finished turning, he put his right hand down, intertwining his fingers with mine, easily and without big deal-ness. I remember wondering what the people in the back might think, since he and I had only just met. But I also knew he was my person, my partner, my man in life. We were for each other. So, I wasn’t worried.

Throughout it all, I just could hardly wait to be with him exclusively, away from everyone else, and also to be with him every day and night. He had been running at one point, when I arrived where he was. I had him pause running to kiss and hug him. It didn’t bother me that he was all sweaty – I truly didn’t care -, and I even told him that, and commented on how bizarre it was for me, and I laughed. I just was totally okay and barely even noticed the sweatiness as I held and embraced him. He was perfect for me, and everything about me knew it. We were perfect for each other, in all ways.

Wow.

P.S. Happy Christmas…

Post-a-day 2021

Skintimacy

Quote of the day

“Look, I know sex has greatness in its own right, but all I really want… is naked cuddles,” she declared.

Talk about unpopular opinions, this one likely would throw a lot of people through a loop. But, hey, if intentional and conscious physical intimacy is the goal, then it makes sense, right? Instead allowing oneself to cross over to an animalistic degree of human function – that part of humanity designed to procreate without having to be told how to do it -, there is an opportunity to be extremely intimate without loss of full consciousness and presence and without procreation. It is definitely a valuable idea, I dare say. Indeed, it would be much more intimate as a whole than sexual intercourse would be.

But can people actually do that and only that??? Interesting inquiry…

Post-a-day 2021

Uhm, what?

Around 1:30pm today, I was worried. I hadn’t gone to the gym. I guess I had forgotten…, but how did that happen, I wondered? I thought back to when I went to bed last night, and how I got up this morning… and just a sec.. I did go to the gym this morning… What??

Yes, I had gone to the gym this morning. But so much had happened since then, I had felt like it was a totally different day already – the gym felt so, so long ago already. Bizarre, of course, but phew! I was worried there for a minute or two.

I was still restful today, but differently. I did accomplish a bit of the laundry this evening, which was a good start. Now I just need to progress tomorrow or Wednesday – going to help pack up at my grandma’s house out of town tomorrow. I managed important tutoring stuff this morning, providing help on literary analysis essays. I went to a stage production of Truman Capote’s “A Christmas Memory” with my mom at noon. It was great acting, to be sure, and we both enjoyed the little production and seeing a new stage. Though, I was exhausted and my eyes were closing a bunch throughout the show. Yes, I absolutely followed the whole thing, but my eyes definitely did not see the whole thing.

I can home and took a nap after the show, as I was so tired, and then went for my laser hair removal session. I had purchased what is called a Brazilian extension/extended area package. Aka -****Warning for real-body language coming up here**** – the labia, the anus, and the inner edges of the buttocks. However, I didn’t know about the labia part when I first got the package. By the time I tested how things felt and worked up the courage for myself, I had them start doing the labia, too. I’ve finished with all the rest of the lasering of hair, but now am making up for the lost time/sessions on the labia. It was really hard for me to say the words or loud for this, and I still am working on it, but I have improved much in my confidence, willingness, and comfort with the conversation and words, and I am grateful. The fact that I am writing this with real words at all speaks volumes to my improvement.

Anyway, I’m planning on a Secret Santa gift for a coworker. She likes Pocky and Anime, among other things. We have a $10 limit. So, I got her a Costco package of Pocky for $9, and am writing out three sheets of calligraphy for her in Japanese. One will be the name of our company in Japanese, one will be her name correctly written in Japanese, both of those using the foreign words alphabet, and one will be kanji of her name in Japanese (the Chinese characters that have the same pronunciation as her name in Japanese, and give a new meaning to her name with each character’s individual meaning). My mom and I both think she’ll enjoy it all, especially since she’s a huge anime fan. Usually, that spans a broad spectrum of just about anything tied to Japan and Japanese language. I hope she really enjoys them all. I know I would love such a gift! … Speaking of which, I wish I had people who thought out and planned it things like this for me more in my life. I love planning and plotting and, finally, giving gifts to people. But I sometimes end up just a little bit sad afterward, because almost no one ever does anything similar for me. Just my mom, really.

Anyway, in that somewhat sad note, I shall sign off for the night. I think I need to allow myself to experience this sadness, in order to allow it to be heard, at last, and to set it free. So, I shall sleep from here and feel the sad if no special presents for right now.

P.S. My mom and I celebrated Hl. Nikolaus day today together. We both brought each other things that had been ‘left’ with shoes in our own houses for each other. It was absolutely silly, but quite wonderful. I always loved December sixth as a child, and I’m glad I get to love it again. Last year, he brought me all the fixings for and a sewing machine itself. This year, he brought me spices, sweets, heart-shaped agates and stones, and some of the greatest leggings ever. I am quite grateful!

Post-a-day 2021

Ugh

I feel somewhat depressive tonight. I don’t feel like I did anything very valuable today, and I didn’t accomplish much that can be seen. I probably just need to go to bed already, and actually get stuff done tomorrow. I went to bed at almost three in the morning last night, so much sleep was had today. I did research and purchase an important present for someone this morning – need it for this weekend – and I went to the special night prayer service at church tonight after Mass. I also rested and movie-d today, which I energetically and emotionally needed, I think. The party last night, which followed three other events filled with people throughout the day, which started at 7am after only five hours of sleep, left me quite drained in all accounts. I need people interactions in my life, but that was a lot to manage yesterday, especially being already physically tired to start off the day.

So, today was necessary and valuable exactly as it was. By it just felt lame and unproductive. Plus, I’m about to start menstruating, which isn’t helping this feeling improve. I feel like there is an innate part of us that always knows that we are here to reproduce effectively, and it lets us know when we are not doing our jobs. For me, I end up stressed and feeling like I’m sucking at life – even when things are great – just about every menstrual period. Bizarre, I know, but real.

Anyway, I’m off to sleep. Exercise in the morning will help with the feelings, too, and I’m hoping it will kickstart my tidying up my bedroom at last. Fingers crossed!

Post-a-day 2021

I Am Woman

Today, I wore my brand new leather corset. I told a friend about it and how I looked fabulous, and how I hoped that brightened his day a little bit. He replied that, if there are no photos of it, it didn’t actually happen. So, I had my girlfriend take a few photos of me in it, and, not only did I share a photo with the original friend who requested the photos, but I shared them online. And that is really exciting for me, because they are fabulous: even though I am laughing and being silly in the photos themselves, that corset looks amazing on me in them.

Proud of myself for being bold and being proud of who and how I am physically, and for sanding up for that sexy woman I truly am and work to be every day.

Post-a-day 2021