Tag: work

Man, oh, man…

Do you ever have a sudden 180, and go from feeling proud and confident and comfortable to feeling absolutely undeserving and unworthy?

One of my best friends connected me with someone last year. We got along well, but he wasn’t about being not in the same location. Okay, fine. My friend and I both were surprised by that, but it is what it is, and he wasn’t open to options.

Nonetheless, my friend encouraged the connection, and the guy and I stayed in contact, and I even went so far as to have him be a sort of fitness buddy, with whom I discussed this and that around our similar workout regimens. It was cool and fun.

So, we finally meet in person, at my friend’s wedding. And we get on really well. And I feel great about myself and confident and comfortable. And it’s an amazing time.

Even after the wedding, I am still in that space and the guy and I are still getting along.

Then, my friend wants to know what I thought after meeting the guy in person. I share. We discuss. It is silly, yet fun. She then speaks to one of the major drawbacks I had crossed with the guy. And with that information, she unknowingly blows my mind.

Yes, that drawback is still the same drawback. But now, this guy is more attractive than ever…

To the point that I, confident and comfortable I, feel as though I am not on the right level for him, that I am not worthy of him.

And then begins the positive feedback cycle, swirling ever downward… he doesn’t like me, and no wonder: I’m not good enough. I’m a failure in so many ways already, and, now, because of them, I’m a failure with this, too… And so it continues.

I have listened to my responses, and I have let them go each time. I have felt the physical reaction to such an emotion, and I have allowed it to be just what it is. And I have looked inside to see what had me lose my value as a person, simply because of money (because that’s what it was really about).

I’m not all the way there yet. But I am improving. I was in a significantly worse space only hours ago, than I am now. I don’t feel great about it all – not at all. But I am feeling less and less crap and anger, which is a beautiful sign so far.

Now, to sleep through the night and see what steps I will take tomorrow. Those steps will be toward clearing up this struggle for myself. I feel inadequate, because I know I can do better than I have done, but I let something stop me, somewhere along the line. So, let’s figure out who or what it was, and get past it already.

Post-a-day 2021

Usefulness

Sometimes, one of the hardest things in life is being not useful, not being used – being available and offering to be of use, but having everyone deny the offer. Yeah…, sometimes, that can really, really suck.

And, on the flip side, sometimes, one of the most fulfilling things in life is being of use, being used.

Oddly enough, either end of that spectrum can be exhausting…

Post-a-day 2021

Body power

At the gym today, someone asked me what I had noticed as the biggest difference from having been at the gym for so long. I immediately thought of my muscles, the obvious strength in my shoulders and arms – a strength I love to see whenever I pass a mirror -, my near constant touching of my own muscles, the shape alteration of my hips and waist and thighs, the lines (as we call it) on my leg muscles… but those all seem like small things to me, and none stands out as significantly more prominent in my mind than the rest. Perhaps it is my energy levels or my endurance capabilities. Or perhaps it is how I no longer just feel comfortable in my own skin, but I feel capable in it…, ready to take on anything, bidden or not…

I really wasn’t sure, and I thought on it for quite a while this afternoon and evening. However, when I was preparing to take a shower, I went to take a look at my body. Naked and tired from having been worked hard this afternoon at the gym – I felt like fighting someone, so I went to the gym, even though I had planned to go tomorrow instead of today – it stood its ground nonetheless. What stood before me looked nothing like a tired body. Truly, what came to mind when I saw it was simply the word, “woman”. It was woman as she was designed to be. It was the young hunter-gatherer of a clan from so many years and generations ago, when we first became the ingenious homo sapien sapien. It was Ayla from The Earth’s Children book series.

And I realized that that was the greatest difference I had noticed in myself since joining the gym. When I see my naked body now, I do not frown at the shape, nor find sorrow in the excess fat areas. I see simply woman, and I am both grateful and proud to be the host of that woman. I have worked long and hard, and I shall continue to do so, because it feels not just good but right to be this woman. This is part of who I’m meant and made to be. And I am grateful.

Post-a-day 2021

Healing

Someone said something very hurtful to me on Monday. This is someone who is very dear to me. I have been dealing physically with an inner virus the past couple weeks, so I have been exhausted and unable to sleep well; workouts have been annoyingly difficult, due to the fatigue; I almost sent myself to the ER the other weekend, for fear of what was happening inside my body one morning. Put simply, it has been a tough and rough couple or few weeks for me physically, and then emotionally due to the physical strains and struggles. When this person made the comment on Monday, I just couldn’t take it. I simply started crying and got up and went home. The next morning, when I mentally didn’t want to go to the gym, because I wasn’t ready emotionally to deal with that interaction, I found that it didn’t matter: I couldn’t walk, and so certainly couldn’t go to the gym.

By Thursday morning, I could walk with almost no twinges of pain at all, and so went for a run. It felt really, really good. By Thursday evening, however, my legs were starting to hurt, and not just in a sore muscle way. They were hurting in a twisted muscle sort of way. I have rubbed them intentionally and often since then, and they are doing quite well now, with only some tightness and discomfort in the right leg and hip remaining at present. But that meant that I did not go to the gym Friday either. I considered not going today, actually, but I had agreed that I would make up the pull-up cycle stuff I had missed Tuesday, and today was the only option for that. So, the plan was always to go today, no matter what.

And so, I went today for the weightlifting workout, and traded out certain parts for the specific pull-up cycle work from earlier in the week. By the end, my leg was feeling a touch better, which was a positive sign. But the knee and hip and thigh are totally still iffy, to say the least. (Essentially, it sometimes feels like my top and bottom halves of my leg aren’t connected anymore, and my knee will give out suddenly, as though my lower leg is breaking…, even though it isn’t. That’s just how it feels, somehow, and so walking gets really shaky, as well as standing up or squatting down or doing stairs up or down. My knee just sometimes gives out, and usually in an odd direction.)

Anyway, I got fully clear before going to the gym about where I stood and what I needed to say to be complete around what the person had said to me. Once I had started working, I was kind of on my own to the side of the gym – there were only a few of us in this particular class, but loads of people had been on the previous class, this person included. This person came over to me before leaving, and asked me about my not having given a greeting. (I hadn’t intentionally avoided it, but I also hadn’t sought it out.) I shared what I needed to share – how I don’t share much detail about my physical struggles, and so he couldn’t have known, but how his comment, which was joking yet quite judgmental, hit me very hard and painfully, especially since he is someone important to me and whom I trust, and that, because of my fatigue and exhaustion, I hadn’t been able to deal with it emotionally until now.

The whole interaction was really great. I cried almost immediately, yet still was doing my exercise. He caught himself about to give a BS non-apology, said that, and then said that he truly wants to apologize, and then did apologize. He also requested that I tell him if and when he is being an a**hole. I laughed, and told him that it very much had been a total a**hole of a comment and was definitely judgmental. We both laughed. I reminded him that I love him and am grateful to have him in my life, and not to make fun of my physical body problems, but he can definitely tease me about my phone (It’s smaller than most these days.).

I was extremely satisfied with the interaction, and had a bonus follow-up message from him later on the day, which boosted my tired spirits when I was at work in the late afternoon and early evening.

I’m still not at full energy – or much anywhere near it, really -, but I am doing much better now, in large part due to my rest this week physically. But that rest helped me deal with my emotional struggles, which then helps somewhat further physically. (It all really is connected.) I am grateful to be healing, and in all ways, albeit somewhat slowly. But I can feel and see the healing happening, and I am relieved and grateful.

Thank you, God and Cosmos.

Post-a-day 2021

Fingers crossed

Today, I had an odd combination of events…, and they were all things that I really love and that I look forward to having be part of my life in the near-ish future. A luncheon, some private teaching, a board of directors (that I joined), a buddy run, patches fully sewn, and a song… and none really had anything to do with the next, which made it all the more wonderful and, also, ridiculous that they all came up today.

Plus, on top of it all, my legs almost didn’t hurt at all by this afternoon/evening – praise God, I might be able to function fully again tomorrow onward. But I think I was given this mandatory rest just in time. And I am grateful for it.

Post-a-day 2021

Progress

I ironed my patches onto my uniform. I feel accomplished, yet also not. I have to sew all around the edges of them tomorrow, using the machine, and I’m more than a touch nervous about that. However, the patches look reasonably straight so far, and I am glad that that step is finally finished. I had intended to do both today, but the first one took so long, figuring out how to line them up properly and make them stay in place so I could try it on, and then adjusting over and over again, and then finally trusting it enough and the pins enough to flip it over an iron it down… It took much too long. But it is finished, and for that I am grateful. 🙂

Thank you, God.

Post-a-day 2021

Wow

It’s funny how, when we are comfortable and confident enough just to speak openly about the things that matter to us, even when one of them might typically be considered as out of place within the current setting, those things end up being exactly what was needed to be said; those things end up being something that gives value beyond expectation to both the conversation and the relationship between those involved in said conversation.

And it’s funny how often I forget that all, and how I am alway at least a little bit surprised whenever it happens.

But it happened twice today, and beautifully so.

In the morning, I shared comfortably about my current menstruation status, and then the conversation turned into my sharing all about how accurate testing body temperature can be for knowing what is going on within a woman’s cycle…, and then I sent a whole link of information on it all to the person after the conversation, because, as it turns out, she has quite irregular cycles and is currently working towards becoming pregnant. Aka my comfort in sharing openly 1) allowed and empowered her to share openly, too, and 2) created a beautiful connection of tools for her current and future endeavors regarding something extremely important to her and her life.

Later today, after a hesitational moment to consider that I truly wanted to proceed with my next idea and comments, I ended up discovering a crazy and fun connection between me and another person at work. And then, through that connection, we found another connection, deep and intense, as I continued to share openly and comfortably and confidently. And then, once more. And it was awesome.

And that I was so entirely comfortable in all of it was awesome. I didn’t even hesitate by the time we got to the last part. It was so easy, I didn’t even have to think about whether it was safe to share about my experience of abuse, or whether it was worth sharing or whatever – I just automatically knew that it was, because of the previous connection in the conversation.

And now the two of us experience one another in an wholly new and positive and loving way. And it was completely worth the risk of sharing that atypical sharing. Totally worth the risk…

Post-a-day 2021

Ouch…

But seriously, who invented all the nonsense that goes alongside menstruation? Utter nonsense… ::facepalm

Anyway, this weekend, I saw the wife of someone I know. Though I had seen the husband many, many times, I had not seen the wife until this Saturday.

When I first saw her, it took a few moments to process fully what I was seeing. Then it took another few moments to allow for my initial reactions. And another few to crave indulging in them. And a final few to allow them just to be, and then, therefore, to release. Rather than being upset by what I saw, I knew I could have it be a positive experience – even if it took some effort.

“Body goals,” I told myself, letting it fall heavily from my lips, the initial sigh thereby dispersed. Music was playing loudly at the gym, so I had no overhearing ears. I really only could feel the words vibrate through my body, as it wasn’t loud enough for my own ears to hear over the music.

But I felt it… and in more ways than one.

After that, I kept going back and forth between awe at how amazing she was physically, and wanting to break down crying at how far away I am from that right now.

I knew pitying myself was neither necessary nor valuable, so I always let that one go. But that didn’t stop it from co to hint to pop up at intervals throughout the whole day afterward, and even the following day somewhat.

As a friend reminded me later, the wife probably wasn’t like that when they got married, and it probably took her years to get to that point. Same for the husband. (Though, he was always less intimidating or whatever, because he’s male, I suppose.) It wasn’t an overnight process for either of them, and they probably weren’t already like that when they first met one another or even got married.

That idea gives me hope… that I can find someone who is fit beautifully already and who values my own work thus far, but who will continue to grow with me and thereby support and empower me o to further-enhanced fitness throughout our future. I would continue this same road, but no longer on my own. I’d have a true partner in crime for it all. (So to speak, that is… haha)

Anyway,… there’s that ouch and the menstruation and resulting digestion ouch, and the utter exhaustion that they and all the other stress have brought for this evening.

Alas, I shall now go sleep… with an alarm every two-ish hours, of course, to use the bathroom. ::facepalm I swear…, whoever made up this nonsense must have been severely out of his wits at the time… Man…

Post-a-day 2021

Baseline

I did the baseline for my fitness test today. And I was rather at my worst. It hadn’t been long enough since I had eaten, so the running portions had me wondering all throughout them if I weren’t going to hurl on the street. I started menstruating right in the middle of it all, and had to use the bathroom quickly during one of the rest times – talk about being exhausted on the first place, with all the menstruation prep that’s been going on in my body. It was mid-afternoon in Houston, Tx, right near the start of summer – temperature was 86°F with a feels like of 93°F. Plus, the entire running section had almost no coverage at all from the sun, so I was running on bright concrete in full, blazing, direct sunlight. Talk about hot. And then, I had some measuring difficulties with both runs, thinking I had reached the end of the run, then suddenly realizing I hadn’t, and having to jump back into the run to finish it. That added annoying time to both runs, which are judged by their times, by the way.

So, I was miserably tired, undigested, out in the stupid afternoon humid heat of Houston, and I messed up my measurements twice, adding time to my runs. Plus, I had an improved setup for the sit-ups, but I only have 15lb dumbbells, and, though they helped significantly in helping hold my feet in place, they moved around a whole lot more than a human’s knees and hands pinning down my feet would have done.

And yet… I still only had the push-ups as my one area that didn’t pass the test. And that already was 100% expected to be an area that didn’t pass. But all the other areas, despite my being at my worst, still passed! And, if I had gotten the bare minimum requirement for the push-ups, my scores were high enough that I would have passed the entire test.

And so, my training began this evening for my push-up preparations. I obtained coaching from the gym owner on Saturday, as to how to proceed regarding my terrible push-ups abilities. And I put those plans into action today. I need to be able to do 20 push-ups comfortably for me to be satisfied for this test, but I technically only need to move up from ten to 14 as my baseline. Nonetheless, that’s a 40% increase. And my goal is actually a 100% increase… but I know I can make it happen. The only question is a matter of how long it will take.

Also, separately, now that I have these specific fitness goals towards which to work now…, what are my financial gain goals towards which to work right now? Because those have an absolute max of three more weeks to get sorted for, at least, the next four months.

Post-a-day 2021

What’s next…

I’ve been having these odd yet familiar pulls lately – familiar, because I know them well, yet odd, because they are pulling toward something that seems atypical for me and my life.

And yet, so much of my life is atypical that why not this direction, after all?? Right??

I have off and on been thinking about the government, and how two very important people in my life have suggested to me to pursue the same governmental position, though the two do not know each other, and have very different jobs from one another.

But it keeps coming to mind lately, of its own accord, this idea of working for the government…, and something still feels off about that specific position…, but not about the government part…, which is super odd.

Dave Goggins’s book has been sparking some major things within me lately. Then, I find out that my sister works for the Air Force, and I hadn’t even known she’d changed jobs (though, she worked for the Army a long time ago). A man entered the store the other day in full Army uniform, and the whole interaction was adorable and sweet (Another customer wouldn’t let him buy his own things, and purchased them for the man, who was humbled and surprised by it, repeating to the last that the other ‘didn’t have to do that.’).

Then, today, my brother and I were on a customer feedback call for this amazing watch company. I hadn’t even known until the call that it had a military connection as a company. And then I found a military special and limited edition watch they made for Veterans Day this past Fall (which my brother might get for himself to test out the watch)… and tonight, someone who works for the government told me directly that she believes I would be a great asset in a specific branch of the government… that she could really see me doing that…

I have never felt a direct call to joining the military, but I have always felt an odd sort of affinity-slash-terror for it. And I have, especially lately, been drawn to much of their training.

Perhaps this woman tonight might have the right of it… perhaps I really am a sort of in-between person for it all, and I might just love serving the world around me in a specific governmental position…

And perhaps not. But I will not know unless I step forward into it all and give it a go. Perhaps it is only a short-term thing for me. Perhaps it is a part-time thing. Perhaps it is a never thing. We certainly shall see.

I am somewhat terrified at that prospect, though. And I think that is a very good thing.

Post-a-day 2021