bedtime – Page 32 – hannah ananas

Sleeping in the shower

Do you ever get into a warm shower at the end of the day, absolutely exhausted and ready to be in bed, asleep, and find yourself, quite a while later, still standing in that shower, having accomplished almost nothing involved with actually showering, for you have been going back and forth between states of mostly asleep and zombie-esque nonsensical function?

Yeah, I do, too…

And tonight was another one of those occasions.

Fortunately, though, it doesn’t happen near so often as it happened when I was growing up (especially while I was in high school).

It’s no fun wasting the water, but, sometimes, we’re just that tired that we can’t seem to do anything about it – we want to be done with the shower, and so jump forward in the shower routine, not to recall at the perceived end that we haven’t even washed our hair or face yet, and then we end up washing our body again after the hair and face, because we’ve forgotten that we’d already done that part, since we went out of order in this zombied state of functioning…

::sigh……

And this all – and the idea of sleeping in the shower – suddenly brings to mind that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer decides to live in his shower full-time… he gets a phone and radio and garbage disposal (for food scraps) for his shower, and probably some other things, all so that he can spend all of his time in the shower….

However, one thing I’m not sure if I ever considered until now: How does he sleep???….

I’m not sure they addressed it in the show… sure, he could sleep in the shower, as it is cozy, but it wouldn’t be very comfortable – it’s too small to lie down comfortably to sleep, and sleeping standing doesn’t actually work for humans too well…

Cows on the other hand…..

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“In my room….”*

It is 3:48am right now, and I am only just going to bed.

But – and this is a big but (but not a big butt) – I am going to bed in my bed.

I spent the last few hours cleaning up and clearing out everything from the fly miniature disaster the then week, and everything seems to be I good shape up here in my room.

So, exhausted as all else, but relieved, I am going to sleep in my own room and in my own bed tonight.

Yahoo!

Wahe Guru!

*Beach Boys song reference

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Bolo Ram, and have it all

Tonight, I share the words of a meditation we have been doing the past almost-week, which is focused on “wanting nothing”.

Whenever I used to hear the word “want”, I saw it with the view of “desire”.

Ever since I learned German, I see that definition only second, for the original definition and connotation(?) arises first: to lack.

From this perspective, this definition, “wanting nothing” comes across differently.

By the “desire” interpretation, one could have little to nothing or have loads, but desire nothing.

By the original meaning interpretation, one has everything needed and lacks nothing.

I fully prefer the original meaning interpretation for the word “wanting” in this case (and just about everywhere, really).

And so, we have this lovely meditation for “wanting nothing”, aka “lacking nothing”.

Bolo Ram, Bolo Ram, Bolo Ram

Roughly translated, it is, “Let us shout ‘God’ together.”

I have greatly enjoyed this meditation, as well as its intentions.

Post-a-day 2019

P.S. Find a description of the full meditation here and links to the music for the meditation here.

Yogi love

I experienced friendship today, and with people I mostly only had just met this weekend.

And with a cat, whom I met this morning.

It was wonderful.

It was musical.

I cooked dinner to share with everyone, and everyone made noises of intense delight upon first tasting his or her serving of the food – gratitude poured forth in their delight, and also in their verbal reinforcement by words… and the food really was delicious.

And, the fact that the food was warm made a huge difference for us all – in a cold, air-conditioned house with no gas turned on – that means miserably cold showers and no stovetop cooking – a warm meal, especially when unexpected, after a long day and in a chilly room, is just one of the best things ever.

And we enjoyed it all together.

Tonight was what I long for in my life, in terms of my living situation.

I want the community and love and concern for one another that was present in our constant talkings for hours and hours after all of our classes finished for the day.

Yes…, that is something I want to generate in my life…

Huhmmmmmmmm……..

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Zoom, zoom

Today, with great excitement and delight, my mom and I had some fun together on the Vespa.

It was my first time having a passenger on it, and I was cautiously excited.

Thinking back, I used to ride the dirt bikes with a friend on the back, and that always seemed to be fine – I have no recollection of even thinking about how it might be different or difficult when compared to rising solo…, so, I guess, it really wasn’t any big deal back then.

We also weighed maybe a hundred pounds at the time…

Although, my mom and I both weigh not much over a hundred pounds, so there’s not too drastic a difference, however, it could have been a 40-pound difference then to now… and 40 pounds is a lot of added weight, when I am used to carrying and managing only myself and my own body weight for something.

Anyway, it went well, and I figured out along the way what I needed from her, which eased most of my concerns regarding having a passenger with me on the back.

We went to a lovely park, and walked out over the water together, being delighted idiots together, grateful for our blessed friendship with one another, as well as our opportunity to be in such a nice place and to be there together.

Awesome view of said water ^

We had many little stops we made, and we crossed loads of people who heartily shared their approval of and appreciation for our means of transportation.

And I think my mom was surprised at how much she enjoyed it all.

She, at one point, was sharing with me about her eight-year-old self’s first ride on the back of a bike – apparently she left marks on Uncle J——‘s skin from her having held on so tightly. 😛

We did not have such an issue today, but she did joke about and then genuinely compliment my awesome state of abdominal health (aka I’ve kind of got some impressive abs, which can be felt, even though they aren’t visible).

It was a really lovely bonding time for the both of us, for a silly set of reasons, but we just really loved being able to finish off our day full-o-whatever-nonsense-we-for-some-reason-has-to-be-handed today by being silly and happy idiots together by the water. 🙂

We eventually ended up at Kroger to get eggs and drinking water… aka two of the worst possible items to be managing on a bike of any kind, let alone when it’s a first go at riding as a duo on the thing…

We, of course, were fully aware of this thought before even bothering to go.

And, naturally, it was a total success, even with our snake-shaped stick we found on a beach during one of our many stops in our mini-adventure.

And it was a two-and-a-half-gallon jug off drinking water – aka the big ones – and not just a single gallon.

All-in-all, I had a wonderful time and feel totally accomplished.

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Restful night, please

And some nights, when you come downstairs to go set up your temporary bed and go to sleep, the person leading the early morning meditation is standing st the front door, pulling out her keys to come in and get set up for the meditation…

And, when she comments after coming in that you are up early, you mention that you have not yet gone to sleep… and that you have to be getting up in about an hour and a half…

……….

……….,.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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Latenight chats

Tuesday morning, 12:45am

………………….

I am sitting at a red light, on my red scooter, contemplating the cool air and my decision to stick with my shorts for the short ride home, instead of putting back on the still-damp bluejeans I had worn earlier.

A large red, lifted truck pulls up next to me on my right, and stops at the light.

I both hear and see the driver’s window going down, just before he, the driver, leans out toward me and, in a completely sound and sober yet slightly twangy voice, says to me:

“Hey(!)…”

“Hi-ii,” I reply with with an extended double syllable.

“The other day,” he continues, without missing a beat, “I was out drivin’, and I saw you out goin’ down f**in’ 59…, and I thought, ‘Shit…, she can go anywhere on that thing.’ You can just drive it everywhere, huh?”

I laugh and give him a ‘basically, yes,’ kind of reply, and tell him how it is 300ccs of power that allow me to drive so comfortably and easily on the highway.

“Did you just one day decide, ‘Okay, I’m not doin’ this anymore,’ and you switched to this so you could reduce your carbon footprint?”

Though his words somewhat shocked me, they were rather applicable to my situation…

“Haha… I mean, kind of, yeah…”

He then tells me how he has one that he rides, but it is not over 150ccs (so he can’t really go much more than, say, about 35 miles per hour on it).

Mine, by the way, can go just enough speed with me on it to time travel… I lack merely a flux capacitor… and some Plutonium, of course. 😛

The light turns to green, but no one else is around, and I am delighted both by the conversation itself, and the absurdity of it all – plus, the guy is clearly sane and sweet, and paying a compliment while being genuinely curious – he wanted to know how it was even possible, since his scooter wobbles even when big four-doors or fast two-doors pass by.

After the next cycle of the light, however, a car was pulled up behind me, so I went ahead and slowly started moving as we finished up our final exchanges and wished one another a great and safe night.

I then sped my way home in the slightly too cold for comfort air, and rushed to lock up, shower, and get to sleep, grateful for the lively experience of Southern Hospitality and connection – my day certainly has ended on a lovely note.

Now for the sleep part of my nightly plans…

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Third Grade

And, some nights, you begin telling your mom about various memories from third grade – a class you’ve always remembered as one of your favorites – and she ends up telling you that it is time for you to go to bed, because you have become a bit of a blubbering mess of surprise emotions…

I mean, I do, anyway… 😛

I had no idea how much negative emotion I had stemming out of that class…., a lot of which came from that teacher.

I’ve always loved that teacher.

Tonight, in recalling these incidents and the way they made me feel at the time, and how they somehow exploded me with tears tonight, I said to my mom that, as a teacher, I never want to make my students feel that way – embarrassed, incompetent, incapable, unworthy…, unloved.

I hadn’t ever had these particular incidents in mind, but perhaps these third grade memories have played a somewhat significant role in my open expression of love to my students.

I’m not sure a single student of mine could say honestly that he/she thinks I don’t love them – they all know that I do.

As if my actions weren’t clear enough, my constant verbal expression kind of makes it too hard to miss – but my actions, most likely would say, are already sufficient for them to experience and to know that I love them.

My mom said that it is merely part of life, and that I, therefore, necessarily will end up making a student feel that way at some point… I need merely make sure I clean up the situation immediately, whenever it does happen, whenever the student is distraught by my words or actions…

Part of me is terrified at the idea, but part of me feels like I already do a version of this.

I tell kids constantly that they are wrong or have done the wrong thing.

At the beginning of the school year, their faces look momentarily panicked, until they realize that I have clearly put no grade of them as people into my comment – I mean exactly what I have said, and only that which I have said.

In a rather short time, students don’t even flinch at my words that, traditionally, when coming from a teacher, end up embarrassing the student and making him/her feel stupid or inadequate or [insert upsetting self-identity adjective here], because they realize that I love them and that my words have nothing to do with that love dissipating – I tell the kids they have something wrong, because I love them and I want them to learn the right ways, which happens to require them to learn, too, what is wrong and how to fix it.

And they always learn how to fix it, and are praised for their success – their joy always being evident.

In short, I might make a student feel inadequate, but the feeling lasts no longer than a few seconds, before being replaced by something amazing instead.

What was missing for me in all of these memories, was the follow-up, the release of my feelings of inadequacy… the teacher left me to be embarrassed, and so I stayed that way onward and upward in school.

It kind of sucked.

However, if it, in fact, plays a reasonably large role in my expression of love toward my own students, then, perhaps, I needed the negative experiences for myself, in order to be able to love my students so well…

And, therefore, if it does end up being inevitable that I will leave students feeling the ways I felt in third grade at these incidents, perhaps it is merely so that they, in turn, can go forward in life to love even more powerfully than they can love at present.

You know what I mean?

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Le jour last, part II

Today was my last day of classes in this role… it went beautifully and wonderfully.

I sang my students a very important-to-me song and blessing (ukulele accompaniment and lead vocals by yours truly), and they really got it, and it was clear they felt the love.

I felt the love from them, too.

And I felt how powerful it can be when I approach something with my heart, who I am and doing more and more every day to be who I want to be…

When almost every single freshman left class, and just had to hug me – and I don’t mean lame half-hugs, but genuine love hugs – before leaving, I really began to become present to the positive impact I have had on the lives of all of these boys.

And I am extremely grateful to God for, firstly, the capability within myself, and secondly, for be opportunity with these boys.

Thank you.

Sat baam.

Now, to sleep, because I have events and grading to do this weekend, and I just really want to sleep a while…

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Nostalgia, an early onset

I finish this teaching assignment on Friday.

And I’m already super nostalgic… and I mean super…

I keep wanting to plan something amazing and sentimental to send myself off…

And I kind of feel silly for wanting to do that – it isn’t actually that big of a deal… so I keep telling myself.

I think what I’m aiming to figure out here is how truly it is or is not a big deal.

I’ve never been so myself as a teacher, and so, perhaps, I have never been so willing to be vulnerable as I have been with these guys… perhaps this is te closest I’ve ever been with students, and the best I’ve ever been as a teacher…, and so, perhaps, it actually is a big deal.

However, if I am off to be my best self the rest of my life, then this is merely the first of many fabulous situations in which I get to be my true self and allow the students to do the same, and we all love each other and get to be super sentimental all we want, any and all the time.

Nonetheless, I keep wanting to play guitar or ukulele and sing a song to and/or with them as a final goodbye.

I don’t have any French songs that come to mind yet, though… jut a bunch of honest and sentimental songs in English… and even a Spanish one, kind of.

Maybe a German song is actually the way to go… perhaps that would be best, simply because German is more my God-love language than any of the others… and that is good for them, even though it isn’t French, because 1) God and 2) still a foreign language…

Hmm…

Let me think on it…

Maybe I’ll just do the birthday song I always do… I love using it for birthdays especially, but it can apply to any day – the Lord gave you life today when you awakened, just as much as He did on the day of your birth… hmm…

I’ll reflect some more, and trust that God will give me exactly what to do. 🙂

But I seriously am already nostalgic, and it hasn’t even ended yet… I shake my head at how silly this is, yet that changes nothing – I am still nostalgic for it all.

Post-a-day 2019