Tag: dreams

Ready

I began the first steps of a new program for my daily self today. It was actually really, really cool. I have a gift membership to MasterClass yet hadn’t used a single class until today, despite my first being given access in early March.

But I was inspired by a girl in a movie I saw recently, when she showed that she started each day with a TedTalk. I want to do that, I thought. And so, I added that idea into my recent dilemma of how to accomplish all these things I want to accomplish but have barely even touched?

So, I now have a daily task of doing at least one of those specific things. If it turns into multiple ones in a day, great. If it is just the one, also great. The point is that I am doing them. And today was perfect as a start. I watched the first half of the MasterClass, and took the challenge and inspiration given from it to started doing some practical work in response to it. At the end of the day now, I feel not only delighted in myself but also excited, relieved, and surprisingly fulfilled by my accomplishments of the day. And even a bit inspired, especially so to do it all again in a new way tomorrow.

Tomorrow, after a solid sleep and mental processing and, hopefully, healing, here I come. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Oishii yo!

I discovered myself suddenly longing for udon tonight… kitsune… niku… tamago…. all together. It was funny when I was staying with my old supervisor back in January. I told her that one Japanese food I really, really liked was udon. She thought it was surprising and funny, because udon is one of the easiest Japanese dishes to make (in Japan, anyway). So, she said we definitely could have udon for dinner, and she would make it for the four of us. And then, as we talked about the different types of udon, it came out that, really, I would like to have a combination of all of them, please. She and her daughters thought it was a really funny idea – almost like if someone said she wanted all the ice cream flavors mixed together or something – but they allowed me to have it… and boy, did I praise that dinner! They thought it was funny how much I couldn’t get over the amazingness of that dish, but it was one of the best and most satisfying meals I have ever had. It was spectacular – just what I had always wanted with udon.

And now I want some more. 😛

Please send soon. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Bruised

Well, my toenail on my second toe on my right foot is officially bruised. It’s actually reddish purple now. Not the whole thing, but the whole left side, all the way to just past the center, as well as a small spot on the right side. And the tip is still white, of course, because that doesn’t change since it’s already been unattached to the skin for a while. But the attached part does not look very comfortable. Fortunately (?), however, it doesn’t look like it will be falling off.

I’ve had that happen before. It isn’t exactly unpleasant, but it isn’t pleasant either. I suppose the worst part is afterward, while there is no nail to protect the sensitive skin of the toe that is now suddenly exposed to the world and to shoes. That part of it totally sucks, actually, but it is still doable, easily survived. Just very uncomfortable for a while, I suppose.

I event had a run today as part of the workout, and it was totally okay. And even pressing on that particular toe and toenail doesn’t hurt anymore, which is quite good.

But yeah, it doesn’t look like this nail is falling off. Partially and strongly bruised, but not killed. Much like my pride and drive after that date with that guy way back when. Or like my brother’s when he busted a piece of his fancy motorcycle while pushing it up the loading ramp for the trailer to take it home from the racetrack…. and then shortly thereafter when he had his bicycle stolen out of the back of his truck (though it was locked up), after he had felt like it was a bad idea to leave the bicycles back there while he and a friend went into the store…. yeah, kind of like that… except probably nowhere near as bad. This is just a light bruising compared to all of that.

So… yeah… 😛

And no, my hamstrings are not better today. However, despite the run, which wasn’t actually very difficult at all, they aren’t any worse than they were yesterday! 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

A different ouch

Well, my hamstrings started to grow sore last night… Today, they have been amazingly sore, but only when something comes into contact with them, or I have to go from sitting to standing. Otherwise, I guess I haven’t really noticed them much… But, boy… in those moments do they hurt(!!!)… whew…

I just hope testing will be helpful tonight instead of the opposite of what they actually need – action. Either way, I’ve got to exercise tomorrow, since it didn’t happen today – things ran too close to one another today for me to get in a workout. And that was totally okay for me, by the way. I have finally begun to embrace who and how I want to be around my own physical fitness and my food and such right now. I am exercising for myself, again, and eating for myself, and it has been feeling amazing – and so easy to do, too. And I didn’t get all stressed or angry with myself or my life when the workout didn’t happen today, or when I saw yesterday that it likely wouldn’t happen today. It genuinely has been okay. And I am grateful for that.

But I’d really like to relax these aching legs already. 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Ouch

Pieces of him in pieces of me. Pieces of him where they shouldn’t be.

That’s from the book After You by Jojo Moyes. The character is speaking of the rust-colored blood staining the edges around her fingernails, the cracks on her fingers. It is not her own blood, but the blood of the man she has come to love more dearly than she ever knew she could love another again in her life. He has been shot twice while attempting to save a person’s life. The gang members who had caused the injury he was attempting to remedy did not want him to succeed, and so had shot him.

…

This is all too real for me. People argue and complain about privilege. And it makes me sick. Why must we as a society constantly ignore the fact that education kind of is everything? We see it evidenced over and over again in society that a certain degree of poor education produces a significantly increased output of life-threatening, of disrespectful, and of dangerous behavior. And as a cycle that runs on a generational repeat.

There is no “us” and “them” in life, not really. We make that whole concept up. There are people and there are people and there are people – before all else, we are people. And yes, there are loads of other species out there, but they aren’t the ones running around hurting people each and every day. People are. In fact, it also happens to be people who run around hurting those other species on this planet, too. In a way, people kind of suck.

But that’s when we are at our worst. With proper education, which includes a certain level of true love, we get to be the best versions of ourselves. And those are the versions who heal the world.

But, sometimes, they’re the ones who just get shot by the worst versions who never learned to understand that there is no “us” and “them”, and who never learned honest love, who never learned how to function beyond their fears and their ego-centric view on life*. If we learn minimal emotional states, we live in minimal emotional states. If we learn only one, negative point of view, we live in that single negative point of view. If we are only ever taught struggle and stress and that the world is out to get us, then we will live our entire lives believing to our very cores that there is no other way in life…

*I don’t say that meanly. It’s a genuine psychological thing, where a person is not able to view the world but from one, ego-centric angle, due to a lack of emotional and psychological development… due to high stress throughout childhood and poor education.

Post-a-day 2020

Company Tonight

It rained a lot today, and for a long time. I had exercised and showered and gotten all dressed up happily to go out and be around people – only a few, but people, nonetheless. Yet, because the rain was so much, so intense, and expected to last all afternoon and evening (which it did), my outing was canceled.

And so, I spent the whole day yet again indoors (minus the quick check for a pretty cloud in the East, which I wasn’t able to see, during a pause in the rain just before sunset), all on my own.

It was okay. I have been working on being okay with this inevitable situation of being so totally on my own. I’ve even come to enjoy it a bit at times. It has not been easy to feel that I am doing the right thing with my life when I am sitting at home on my own each and every day. But, perhaps, this is a chance to see whether the things I typically would be out doing around to with people are things that fall under the category of ‘the life I want to lead’. Am I actually doing that, or am I distracting myself just enough to have me think I am, when I am not leading the life I want to lead? This time has been very difficult for me in a very beneficial way.

I have been afraid of it – and I still am – but I am grateful nonetheless for this opportunity and this time. God, help me to do the best I can with it each day and night. Thank you. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Really?

I book-clubbed tonight… on a book about God. Actually, on a book about Jesus.

I have never done that before.

I had never really wanted to do that before, though, because I’m not sure I have ever really had friends who are comfortable enough in themselves to be able to see and speak honestly about all of it and their own lives and experiences. So, it is cool that I have a friend like that, that we are both like that these days.

And I enjoyed the book-clubbing… cheesy as the questions may have been… and un-relatable as the author’s experience may be for me (and my friend)… But it was nice to talk about such things and in such a way. I am satisfied from it. Like a few sips of sparkling, cool beverage on a warm day. Satisfied. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Capisco

Sometimes, I feel it is the people who have known me the least in person who know me the most. I was thinking about how, today, I was messaging with my buddy in Italy. We haven’t been in much contact the past month or two, mostly because he has been in a big planting season – I think it was planting… oops – and has been working really long, rough hours, and sleeping when he can. But he let me know this would be the case, so I haven’t worried much about it. Anyway, we were messaging today – it has been a more frequent thing the past week or two – and I found myself just suddenly sharing with him about some of my book-writing concerns.

You see, I know I can tell stories, and I know I can write. Yet, I keep not writing for a book. Not officially or directly, anyway. And I was suddenly blurting out the concerns I have around that today. Why? Because it seemed like he was the person who could hear me the best. Despite ay risks of its being lost in translation, of course. 😛 But seriously, it felt like he could respond in a way that wouldn’t give me the excuses that other people in my life might give me. Nothing about why I probably haven’t done it or about how life has gotten in the way or anything like that. He couldn’t feed me any of my own excuses. And that might be because he has been around me the least. He knows the daily me the least, if that makes sense. Because we have had such a low-risk friendship, we have been open in ways that have kept our personal excuses out of the mix, and almost entirely so.

And so, I shared my concerns and how I’m not writing yet, and he asked a couple questions or so, which I answered. And then he just told me to do it. If I want to do it for myself, then do it. If it isn’t for myself, then don’t do it. But, if it is for myself, then go for it, and get started – do what I need to do to make the beginning happen, and now. Just as we say here, he reminded me of the ideas that 1) life is short, and 2) it is better to have regrets for things we’ve done than remorse for those we never attempted. I do not want to live a life unexamined – I want to live a life well-lived, and true to myself.

And part of that is writing books. So, novels, here we come.

P.S. They might be more like novellas, or novelettes, just FYI… I’m not sure they’ll be long Twilights or Harry Potters. ;P

Post-a-day 2020

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will determine much in my life. I wonder if it has any idea how much weight we have it holding so much of the time. Or how much we rely on it, depend on it, yearn for it, and cry for it. I wonder if tomorrow knows that it, so often, is the only thing that gets us through today. Or that we, sometimes, fear it, even, or want it not to come… not yet, anyway. I wonder if it knows the significance we assign to it.

I wonder if tomorrow has even the slightest idea of how much of our lives end up being devoted to thoughts of it, in some way or another.

I wonder if it would change in any way if it did know. Or if, perhaps, it already knows, and it always watches out for us along the way, even without our having the slightest idea about its doing so.

I wonder… 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Normal life, again

Reading the epilogue of a book tonight, I found myself smiling and marveling at one of the ideas presented by the man to his love. He is giving her money to live a life she never anticipated or even hoped to pursue, because he wants her “to live”. He doesn’t mean, he says, that she needs to be jumping off tall buildings or swimming with whales – though he very much likes the idea of imagining her doing just that – just that he wants her to live life fully, out in the world as a full participant in it.

I was truly marveling at how amazing that would be… her going out and bungee jumping off a tall building and swimming with whales. That any average girl (well, woman) would have done such things, and that it inevitably would be a surprise to anyone who found out about it, because she was just so normal a person – as opposed to an obvious thrill-seeker or adventure type, I mean. How amazing that would be if I could ever have my life be such that I could go do such things.

And then I had a thought that rather shocked me, and that I mentally sputtered over: I have.

My eyes wide, I searched my inner head for clarification on the thought that had just popped up. I already have done that…. both of those…

And then, clear as day, I saw how I truly had actually done both of those things… and I’d forgotten about them. I see myself and my life as so utterly normal, even I forgot that I had pursued such adventures. Now, to be fair, the bungee jumping was more like jumping off of a tall platform led structure than a downtown skyscraper or anything. Though, I’m not too sure it’s safe or possible to bungee off those buildings in the first place… anyway…. But that was in college. I helped a small group of folks go, and it was a total blast. And, for the whales, I have to check to verify that they count as whales. They were whale sharks, you see. One even ran right into me, and I got to feel he fellow, skin to skin, while we meandered together in the waters.

**Okay, I just verified: They are sharks. So, in a way, that part is even more shocking: I’ve swum with sharks. And not while in cages. Haha. Frightening, really. But perhaps it would be even more frightening to swim with something two, three, or four times the size… with perhaps several of them around. Hmm… how could I have that happen safely in my life? Goals… 😉

Anyway… when did I turn into this person? This person who adventures so easily, she hardly even considers herself as someone who adventures at all? Perhaps that is exactly why I keep feeling like I’m not doing the right things with my life. I feel that I am being unproductive, slow, and not myself…, and it might just be because myself is accustomed to adventure as the casual, the regular, the “Let’s grab lunch next week,” kind of statement – it’s just plain normal. And that’s why pursuing any semblance of normal life never quite feels right.

… Wow…

And that’s why pursuing any semblance of normal life never quite feels right.

Remember that, Banana.

Post-a-day 2020