Tag: exhausted

Okay, then, brain…

I have a problem. It is a ridiculous problem, but it is a problem nonetheless.

You see, I wear this awesome fitness clothing. The shorts and leggings show off the shape of my legs and bum quite classily. The bras and tops show off just the right amount of skin. And all the muscles look amazing. And all the right curves are visible in all the right places, when I wear this clothing.

And, to be fully franc, I look amazing in it.

And, whenever I see myself in it all, even I have trouble keeping my cool. Looking down at myself in the fitted (biker style) shorts and leggings is already a bit rough at times. Add onto that seeing myself in the mirror… man…

I don’t mean to be rude or egotistical by any means with this – I am merely sharing what I have noticed and wondered… but how do men handle it, seeing me in this stuff? I can barely handle it, and 1)I’m a heterosexual woman, and 2)it’s my own body.

But those two facts don’t seem to matter much at all to my brain. It’s like, Oh, sh********… and then kind of loses all train of thought. Until I manage to give myself some calming, deep breaths, and can chill myself out, that is. But seriously…

Major ::facepalm here.

I know I work really hard to be my best self, especially physically. But I think I hadn’t really anticipated how doing just that, pursuing my fitness and physique goals, would leave me so, well – though I am a tad embarrassed to say it -, sexy.

Let there be no doubt: I always have wanted to be a sexy woman. And that has been part of my physique goals with my fitness. But I guess I never expected it to have such an effect on me… Please, tell me this is normal. Or, at least, common enough that someone can tell me with confidence from experience that I will grow accustomed to how my body looks, and this unintentional response – if you missed connecting the dots before, it’s arousal – will chill the **** out… Because this is getting stressful, getting so suddenly sexually charged off and on… like all day long…

I guess this is one of those Catch 22s. I want the fitness, but not the arousal for myself, but I can only not have the arousal if I don’t have the fitness.

Ugh… what a bizarre and silly problem to have. Am I right??

Post-a-day 2021

Let’s sleep hard tonight

Today was wonderful. I tidied and ate decently. I had a stretch session for my splits and kick training (which also helped my lower back). I had a lovely workout this afternoon (rare for me to go anywhere so late, let alone to work out!) alongside a newer friend. And then I finished off with some coding fun after dinner and a shower. The family friend, upon seeing some screenshots of what I was doing, declared that, if I live what I am doing now with the training so far, I will love working in coding. He also says that I clearly have a mind for it. (Perhaps I am one of those brainiacs, after all…)

I look forward to lots more similar days in my near-ish future.

Oh, and by the way, I spent almost five hours reading a new book. It’s a top-rated romance novel – giving the genre a real go -, and I am loving it. But the main character has Aspergers. And I can related to about 90% of her thoughts and feelings and ideas and ways of thinking. For real. I don’t have difficulty succeeding in social situations or in reading people, but just about everything else she mentioned was relatable for me. She’s even my same age, and in a very similar relationship situation (at the start, anyway). Very similar. And with a similar attitude towards it all.

After about two hours of the book, I asked my mom her thoughts on it. She thinks that I definitely qualify in certain areas and to varied degrees, and definitely not in other areas. In other words, she and I agreed. No one likely would consider giving a label to any of my traits that align with Aspergers – they always just come across as slightly quirky, if they are even noticed at all (which, they usually aren’t). My OCD is the only thing people ever seem to end up knowing about, and, these days, it’s mostly because I tell them about it and how bad it had gotten before I started sorting things out with the holistic nutritionist. Anyway… haha

So, I’m a lot like this character. Including the things that are part of her Aspergers. And then, further into the book, I find out that the main character also works in coding… talk about timing and coincidence. 😛

Hopefully, the part where she makes oodles and oodles of money in her work will be a commonality we one day share, too. ;D

Post-a-day 2021

Taking strides

I asked, I prayed, and I meditated on my request last night. I slept with the mala last night, and wore the mala all day today, reminding myself of the intention I set with it, each time I noticed it.

And that was great.

I had breakfast with my dad.

That was great, too.

I reached out to someone who, for whatever reason, kept calling out in my mind for me to contact. A male, yes.

And that, though nothing has come of it, including a response from him, also was great.

And I continued my progress on this coding adventure today, making what felt like major strides. I finished the CSS intro course, and then a coding intro course I had forgotten that I had ever begun (because before HTML basics caught my attention as an option!).

Finishing that felt great.

Then, I began working on an app that the family friend sent me for learning and using Swift, so I can learn to do the coding used for Apple products. That part was a blast. And I apparently am great and a natural at it, because I was doing things that just made sense to me (in order to create the shortest code), and then, in the following lesson, it would ‘teach me’ how to do what I totally had just already done… I was almost always one step ahead of the game.

That all was really great. I had to force myself to stop, using the iPad’s battery depletion as my excuse to have to stop for the day.

I was supposed to go to a yoga class with girls from the gym this evening. But I wasn’t feeling like getting out so late. I was grateful to receive a message declaring a need to reschedule from one of the girls. Woohoo! So, I worked for hours on the Swift program instead.

So, that was awesome.

And I began the reorganization and tidying that I have been very much avoiding for quite some months now (since March). There is still more to do tomorrow, especially, but it feels much mote doable, now that I have actually started it and have a vision for it.

So, that was a great relief, at least.

In other words, my day today was really awesome, and I am extremely grateful for it.

Post-a-day 2021

Sleep

Tonight, I want to sleep. Hard. And I want to wake up tomorrow with an open and free day.

And yet, tomorrow will not be that. It is a full day, mostly filled with things I do not love enough to want to do when I am so tired.

But, in order to get to that point where I can fill my days with what I want to be doing, I must weather these days like tomorrow first. And, the more heart and love and joy I put into them, the better it all will me.

So, I shall sleep now, and hope it is deep and restful. I shall wake up to an alarm in the morning, and get going quickly. I shall bring my best self to the table, and create a wonderful day, even and especially if I am feeling exhausted. I am here to love and to learn, so let’s love and learn, baby. 😉 I can sleep tomorrow night, as needed, and all I want.

Post-a-day 2021

Theories

Why does all the bad and annoying have to happen one right after the other in life? Ugh.

So, I got sick. So, I can’t go exercise. Then I couldn’t sleep. Then all the crap feelings combined with my living alone, and I was lonely. Then I was miserable because I was sick and alone, and it was even worse. Then I couldn’t make food, which made everything worse, including my recovery time. Then, as I think I am recovering, my lower back seizes up while stretching it out, and I’m in varying degrees of pain there.

What will tomorrow bring for my body?? Please, God and Universe, let it be full wellness…

Oh, and did I mention that there were somehow fleas in my bed, biting me? I don’t even have a pet…

Post-a-day 2021

Work’s working…

I don’t know how, but the work at my part-time job seems…, well, easier. I am not as worn down by it as I once was each shift. Yes, it takes a lot of energy, and I leave tired. But it is not in the same way. I feel energized throughout most of the workout time, actually bouncing around and dancing here and there and everywhere, in little bits. And, when I leave, I am not slightly miserable. I am just tired, with no negativity tied to it.

I like this.

And I really don’t know what has changed. Perhaps it is threefold…

1) I left and returned, as I mentioned about relating to places as home. I have to leave once before it can feel like home. I was gone for just over two weeks, following the family member death recently. I am now back at the shop, and it has felt like a small sort of comfortable return to home.

2) Certain things regarding function at the ship have improved. That always feels good, and much of it was a huge part of my daily frustrations.

3) My attitude has altered. I no longer see it as a necessity and my forever future, but as a beautiful, fun, and slightly silly opportunity in my life that is helping me exactly where I am right now, and reminding me that everything is perfect in how it is and how it happens. I am here on purpose, both for me and for the world at large, for both known and unknown reasons.

Okay, and a tiny 4) There are some new people, and I like their energy and their overall cuteness as people. 🙂

So, yeah… I’m liking this.

Post-a-day 2021

Man, oh, man…

Do you ever have a sudden 180, and go from feeling proud and confident and comfortable to feeling absolutely undeserving and unworthy?

One of my best friends connected me with someone last year. We got along well, but he wasn’t about being not in the same location. Okay, fine. My friend and I both were surprised by that, but it is what it is, and he wasn’t open to options.

Nonetheless, my friend encouraged the connection, and the guy and I stayed in contact, and I even went so far as to have him be a sort of fitness buddy, with whom I discussed this and that around our similar workout regimens. It was cool and fun.

So, we finally meet in person, at my friend’s wedding. And we get on really well. And I feel great about myself and confident and comfortable. And it’s an amazing time.

Even after the wedding, I am still in that space and the guy and I are still getting along.

Then, my friend wants to know what I thought after meeting the guy in person. I share. We discuss. It is silly, yet fun. She then speaks to one of the major drawbacks I had crossed with the guy. And with that information, she unknowingly blows my mind.

Yes, that drawback is still the same drawback. But now, this guy is more attractive than ever…

To the point that I, confident and comfortable I, feel as though I am not on the right level for him, that I am not worthy of him.

And then begins the positive feedback cycle, swirling ever downward… he doesn’t like me, and no wonder: I’m not good enough. I’m a failure in so many ways already, and, now, because of them, I’m a failure with this, too… And so it continues.

I have listened to my responses, and I have let them go each time. I have felt the physical reaction to such an emotion, and I have allowed it to be just what it is. And I have looked inside to see what had me lose my value as a person, simply because of money (because that’s what it was really about).

I’m not all the way there yet. But I am improving. I was in a significantly worse space only hours ago, than I am now. I don’t feel great about it all – not at all. But I am feeling less and less crap and anger, which is a beautiful sign so far.

Now, to sleep through the night and see what steps I will take tomorrow. Those steps will be toward clearing up this struggle for myself. I feel inadequate, because I know I can do better than I have done, but I let something stop me, somewhere along the line. So, let’s figure out who or what it was, and get past it already.

Post-a-day 2021

Still tired…

Apparently, I am still recovering from the past couple weeks and all of their excitement and whelming. This afternoon, I was struck slightly by a thought. It was a worrisome concern. And, instead of it’s just remaining that, it kind of spread, virus-like, into so much more, I was a mess and ready to cry and rush home to ball up during, of all things, karate class. That class is usually my active healing time, my fight club, my releases. However, because I’ve been so worn down, my mental capacity was somewhat shot by this afternoon, and I could hardly keep it together enough to be in class, let alone put forth full effort. My full effort was measly, really, which brought me down even more, mentally.

Granted, I started menstruating today. However, that was only icing on the cake that gave me the exhausted ache of my whole being right now.

Anyway, off to sleep to help as best I can, despite the delay (due to yet another technological letdown) on getting to bed at a reasonable hour.

Post-a-day 2021

Home…

… at last. I had a bigger bed and company the last several nights, staying with one of my best friends and her family. It was wonderful.

And yet, my body can hardly contain its joy at being in my own bed, small as it may be, with my own smells and my own vibes to rest and recuperate after so much these past couple weeks and this past weekend.

Post-a-day 2021

After midnight

Exhausted, feeling slightly ill, I roll onto the bed. It is so very late, and there has been so much action today, my mind, body, and spirit are all practically brimming with tears. They need rest. They need the door shut. They need the fresh air and lack of stimulation.

And so, we shall sleep… hopefully, very well.

Post-a-day 2021