Tag: life

Bombshell, or just an actual bomb?

Whenever I see those gorgeously fit people – the ones who are basically the epitome of what we’re meant to do with the human body – I find myself just a little bit tense, stressed, on their behalves. I place upon them this ideal, somehow. Since they are practically perfect in this one visible right, they must be perfect in all the other rights, too. Their lives must be in order. They all must have a gorgeously fit partner or spouse, too, and an amazing house and car and job, and, basically, their lives are perfect. Right?
Except, I know their lives aren’t perfect. I know it is just an automatic judgment my brain makes, and that it likely isn’t the truth.
However, I always have found myself envying and, sometimes, slightly disliking these people for that envy, as though it were jealousy (that I can’t have something because someone else has it), even though their fitness has nothing to do with my own.
Now, that all being said, I must say: I believe I have become one of these people. No, I am not in the top tier of them, but I am definitely part of these incredibly fit individuals.
Yes, I am extremely grateful for this, for my intense efforts paying off so well. However, I also have found a certain degree of unexpected stress from my fitness. You see, now when I show up somewhere that is not the gym in anything that shows off my body or fitness, I feel almost weird. I almost feel like I need to hide myself, so as not to upset those around me who are so clearly not on the same level in terms of physical fitness. It isn’t always, but I sometimes see the looks people give me, and I can see that envy, the misplaced jealousy… even, at times, hatred. And these things hurt.
Part of me feels that it would be so much easier just to hide, just to allow the loud voices demanding inclusiveness and equality their way… and yet, where is the love there? When I am hiding myself in shame, in fear… what I have worked so hard towards having… When I am rejected for who I am… where is the love there?
I keep returning to Marianne Williamson’s quote about how my playing small does not serve the world… My hiding does not help… anyone, especially myself. I am here to love and to teach int this life. I am not here to cower. Hiding away or being ashamed of who I am is not honoring myself, my work, or God. I am God’s gift and an expression of His creativity in the world. When I am honoring myself and being my best self, I am honoring God. When I am ashamed of myself and hiding myself, so, too, am I doing that to God…
I understand all of what I have said here. I am convinced that it does not work for me to hide away or feel ashamed for my fitness and my fitness goals and pursuits. Yet, I still feel such pressure at being seen as ‘one of those fit people’.
Why?
I think it is because, to me, being rejected by others has been quite difficult in my life. I have had some very hard rejections from people in my life, on various levels. Oftentimes, they never even told me why I was being rejected, which made it even worse. Now, being rejected for my fitness isn’t about the fitness for me, but about its being yet another rejection.
Yes, that is exactly it. (I can tell, because that is what brought tears to my eyes just now.)
Okay, so, as my silly unicorn calendar said last year, I must remember that, whenever someone rejects me, The Universe is also protecting me from that person. For whatever reason, that person is not needed in my life beyond simply exiting it.
So, the people at my one job might not like me very much. But that isn’t because they know me. It is because they don’t know me. And because they weren’t willing to get to know me. If that is the case, then they aren’t people for my life in the long-run. It’s as simple as that. I want people in my life who both can and will love me. If they won’t get to know me, they never can love me. If I am hiding away myself, then those people still won’t get to know me and still won’t be able to love me. Therefore, be myself truly. If people reject me for that, it is for their own problems and struggles – it has almost nothing to do with me and everything to do with what my presence brings up from their memories about themselves. Being small serves No One and none. Indeed. Again as Marianne Williamson says, being true to myself and letting my own light shine will allow others to do the same for themselves. Though I likely will upset the loud few for being so gorgeously fit and for sharing that fitness with the world around me, the ones who are ready will take the opportunity as – consciously or not – inspiration for their own pursuits.
Therefore, honoring myself with my fitness, sharing it openly, also will be honoring and supporting those around me.
That’s quite cool, actually…
Post-a-day 2022

Sleepy

I didn’t go to the gym this morning, as going to bed at midnight after the opera just did not give my body the rest it needed to take on today, especially not with a workout to start it all off. So, I slept another two-ish hours, and that was barely enough to get by for the day.

After school, I got to go workout, though, despite my plans o babysit for my friend so she could go. Her dad came to watch the baby for 30-45 minutes while my friend drove to the my, and I finished working out and came home to take over the babysitting. I’m glad I got to work out, but, boy, I am wiped. The baby has a fever, which probably is playing a role in my present state of exhaustion – my body is probably working overtime right now (though, no fever for me, thank goodness).

At that, Imma sleep now. Goodnight.

Post-a-day 2022

Opera

Tonight, we saw a very unique production of The Magic Flute. It was awesome, but also rather bizarre. Rather than being a typical opera production, this one was done with inspiration from 1920s silent films. So, a massive white screen was the stage backdrop, and a projector created every scene, props and all, and a good chunk of characters, too. Pieces of the white screen would flip around like trap doors, revealing a person halfway up it or at the bottom or near the top, depending on the situation, and the projector would make their appearances and locations all make sense. They interacted with parts moving around in the projections all throughout, and it was really well done. Also, instead of spoken dialogue, they projected large words onto the screen itself, like in silent films, and had Mozart harpsichord pieces playing as the music, really making it feel like a silent film. And the actors as did a wonderful job of being believable in their roles in the film – it was stellar. And the Queen of the Night was the best singing performance I have ever attended for that role. Just wow…

Go check it out this week at Houston Grand Opera, if you’re in Houston!

Post-a-day 2022

White

My skin has gotten so dried out that it truly had a layer of white on top… the dead skin cells, I suppose, that did not get their needed hydration (or, rather, were stripped of that hydration by soap and dry winter air).

Guess I really ought to be better about putting the oils on after showering now, when my skin is still all wet from the shower. I’ve just been so focused on my hands not getting all bloody, everything else with my skin has kind of taken a back burner… :/

Post-a-day 2022

We work out!

My friend came with me to the gym Saturday morning. She was a total trooper and did an awesome job. She is probably close to the most out-of-shape she has ever been in life right now, having not been able to get things sorted out with exercise time and all after having her baby almost a year and a half ago.

Yet, a few hours after the workout, she’s talking to me suddenly about the punch card she’s getting for the gym and what times and days she’s planning to go this week… And she says that, if she likes it and can make the timing all work okay, she will end up signing up for a subscription when the punch card runs out.

I was blown away and overjoyed. I hadn’t even brought up the idea of her ever coming with me again or signing up – I had merely invited her to come work out with me for one day. So, that made it extra-cool that she was interested in potentially joining the gym.

And, due to an atypical schedule for her tomorrow, instead of going in the morning with me, I’m going to babysit later in the day, so she can go then. AND there’s a chance her husband might be able to make his work schedule line up to go with her tomorrow to try it out himself. And that was her idea completely.

No matter how it all goes, I am grateful to have been able to make even the slightest difference in the health and well-being of my friend.

Thank you, God, for such love and opportunity. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

I wish…

I wish I could just go to Japan for a month to teach English again. I wish it were an option only for the alums of our program, so they know that we know what we’re doing and that we won’t need much support. It could be a way for schools to test out having an assistant language teacher with the program. Then, if they like it, they hire a full position. If they don’t, they only had to pay someone for a month.

And we get to revisit the country and culture and the work and students we so love and miss, but without having to commit forever or move fully.

Win-Win-Win situation right there.

Post-a-day 2022

Hockey

Goodness, I love these kids. My heart grows like the Grinch’s almost every time I see them outside of classes. Tonight, we attended their hockey game. A couple parents knew I was there, and we were waiting after the game to see the boys. I congratulated each of my students as they came out, and each was the same. Initially, he gave an automatic, ‘Thanks!’ glancing my way. And then, after already starting to turn away, he double-takes, looking at me, wide-eyed. Then his face breaks into a smile and he asks some version of, ‘What are you doing here?!’ with immense glee. One even ran over to hug me – it was adorable, to say the least.

As my friend mentioned during the game was her experience, I do not have many memories of my own teachers attending my various events. So, I suppose it really is a rather big deal that I show up to all these games and performances for the kids. As my mom put it, it’s spectacular free entertainment, but it still would be great, even if it did cost to attend. However, there certainly is the added bit of being invested in the players and performers themselves, knowing them as people, and wanting the best for them in their lives. I want them to feel encouraged in these endeavors, valued and appreciated for all their work and dedication, and even in their failures. I want them to know that they are valued as people, exactly as they are, no matter how well they perform (or behave) in the classroom.

And the love they express in response is spectacularly filling and delightful. I am extremely grateful that I get to work with, support, educate, and cheer on these wonderful kids. Thank you, God. And Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Reading itch

I very distinctly had a desire today – a pull, more like – to read religious books, books that somehow use religion as a foundation for whatever they want to communicate… could be about building a relationship with God, about being a woman today of God, about Church itself, about prayer… whatever. But “Church books” is what came to mind specifically.

Guess I’ll start reading the book Church gave out the other week, then. It was meant to have a book study with it, and I even signed up online to be in a remote group (since I don’t live near that church), but I haven’t heard anything from that since signing up. Perhaps it is time for me just to start myself. If a group pops up later, I can still participate, even if I have already read the thing in its entirety.

Let’s do this.

Thank you, Life, for being a beautiful opportunity for me, and thank you, God, for joining us. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Dreams coming true yet?

My mom mentioned to me today something that she read just this past week about reaching for our dreams. The question she gave me was “If you woke up tomorrow, and your dream were fulfilled, what would be the first thing you would notice that told you that your dream had been fulfilled?“
I thought about this question. It somewhat baffled me, because I could not easily come up with an answer. Why is that? Well, if my current dream were fulfilled when I woke up tomorrow morning, I still would start my day the exact same way I do right now. I would get up early and go to the gym. I would exercise with delight and rigor. And then I would head to school. Only at this point would I have the noticeable sign, as the bag I had packed for school would be a bit different and where I showered would be different (at school versus at the gym).
While the exercise was interesting simply for the idea of what one thing would give it away, should my big dream come true, what was more fascinating and valuable to me was that my day would begin the exact same way. Put differently, I am already, in part, living my dream.
And that is quite cool.
Sure, I don’t have the specific work and finances and all the follow-up details and activities that come with those, but the person I am being, the habits I am pursuing… those are already exactly part of my dream life being fulfilled.
So, how do we level up now to the next step in fulfilling this dream? That is the question.
Post-a-day 2022
(Just a touch of hesitation now…)