Do you know that experience of when you can’t seem to stop yourself watching someone, looking at him/her?
There are many versions of this, but I am referencing a particular happy yet unidentifiable one…
You don’t necessarily know what exactly it is that has you looking, but you can’t seem to stop checking up on the person, making sure he’s still around… you purposely make yourself not do anything differently in terms of seating arrangements or activities – you pursue your same goals and intentions, free from whatever this influence happens to be – but you keep an eye always knowledgeable about his whereabouts within the room…
And then you notice that his eyes are on you roughly half the times you look over at him… and you wonder if he even knows that he is doing it, or if he is only responding to the feeling of being watched…, or if he can’t seem to keep his eyes from tracking you either…
It doesn’t happen often in my life, so I a no expert at the situation, I dare say…, but I’m not opposed to it at present.
I also have no romantic intentions here, so it is extra unique to be having this drawing feeling… perhaps it is God, merely making it clear that this person is to be in my life, albeit not in a romantic capacity…
My brother asked me if I was doing a carry-on bag for our trip.
I told him that I was, and he said that he was hoping/planning to do the same for the whole trip (with an exclamation point at the end!).
That was in text messages.
Talking over the phone a little while later, after our tickets (one set of them, anyway) were booked, we discussed the bags again, and the matter of bringing only a carry-on bag plus a purse.
‘My biggest concern right now is really what watch I’m gonna bring,’ he says to me.
‘I know what watch I’m bringing!’ I counter, and my mom laughs behind me, knowing full well what my brother must have just said, and laughing at him for it (not at my comment alone).
I only currently wear the watch this same brother gave to me several months ago.
It is awesome, and I wear it lovingly and with pride at the company, at my brother for finding and supporting it, and a little at myself for wearing it.
eone Bradley Compass Graphite
My brother knows this, and so does my mother, so we all got my teasing joke of a comment, and, once I told my brother that Mom was laughing, we all laughed at his dilemma.
My brother has an entire collection of watches, each one different from the rest, and all of them stellar quality and style…, and I would guess that they add up to around a hundred thousand dollars altogether…
He typically travels with three watches as a minimum – a casual chic, a sport, and a work watch that doubles as formal.
Sometimes, I believe, he brings something like seven, when it’s a longer trip, and he’ll have varied activities in which to participate and events to attend.
I always bring my one watch, and simply remove it whenever I do sport.
(The moment this company comes out with a sports-safe version of their watches, however, I am totally likely to have two watches, and quite suddenly so…. until that time, however, I have just the one.)
We absolutely love my brother’s love of watches, and I laud him for and value his efforts in creating watches with an awesome private watch company that has begun to make watches for him and to use him and his sports to create advertising for their watches…. frankly, he has done what we all dream to do, by turning a dorky passion into something that not only allows him to pursue his passion but to be encouraged in it and to be paid through it, all while always having a wonderful time with it all.
I am proud to share blood with him, and I love having fun with him around his love of watches (and many other things, too, actually).
At the end of our call, I ask him how the boating went with his friends earlier.
He tells me that he took some pictures, and so he’ll send me something.
After a few moments of flipping through photos, he sends me a wrist shot of the watch his buddy temporarily swapped him for two of his watches…
Seriously, brother?… You went boating, and you took pictures, and the only photo that actually comes out of it all is one of your wrist and a watch, where you really can’t tell that you’re out on a boat in the first place?
But, for him, of course it is. 😛
And, to be fair, when I saw the photo, while my secondary comment and thought related to the aforementioned concept, my first thought and comment were immediate: “His Carbotech!”
I knew exactly what watch it was, and even I was excited that my brother was getting to wear this watch… 😛
It came up in a comfortable conversation today – a conversation I had wanted to have and was afraid to have, and which I began anyway – that I coached lacrosse and helped start the women’s program at a school where I previously worked.
The conversation ended with the other person informing me that he would get back in touch with me soon to follow up, and with my now talking with the head of the men’s lacrosse team.
Now, it seems, I might actually become an assistant coach for the men’s lacrosse team this year… how fun and crazy is that?
And all I did was ask about someone’s running these days.
Truly, though, I have faith proven in this case – I felt that it was perfect to go ahead and speak to him, and it turned out to be just that: perfect.
This evening was an extended family evening, and a rather wonderful time.
There was chatter, discussion, story-telling, and lots of laughter.
At one point, one of my cousins, G—, shared this delightful story with us, and I knew immediately that I just had to write about it, because it was well worth sharing with the world.
She and her husband have two little girls, approximately aged four years and two years, and then a baby boy aged almost ten weeks.
Her husband, C—, was changing the diaper of the baby boy, and A—, the eldest girl, was observing.
A: Daddy, what’s that?!
C: Uh, well, it’s a penis… it’s because he is a boy… he is a boy, so he has a penis… that’s what makes him a boy, instead of a girl…
A:……. But Daddy, you’re a boy and you don’t have a penis….
C:… Actually, yes, I do have a penis…
A:….. Really?????
Conclusion from my cousin telling the story: Emasculated by a four-year-old. 😂
Afterward, my grandma commented that she thought it was such a shame that no one was documenting this sort of thing, – I had already determined that I was definitely writing about it tonight, but I didn’t mention anything about it – and my aunt said that the point was people telling one another stories…
My grandma was worried that the stories get lost, you see, and so my mom leaned over the counter, and starter scribbling with an imaginary pen into an imaginary book, saying aloud, “August 2, 2019: Today, we learned that C— has no penis.”
My uncle, whose son-in-law C— is, and who genuinely likes C—, nearly cried himself out of his chair, he laughed so hard at that – I mean, we all laughed rather hard, but he practically exploded with his laugher.
It was a very good little time tonight. 🙂
Thank you, God, for this blessing.
Note: Yes, yes, I know gender stuff is all up and about right now, however, I am not letting it disturb the hilarity of this particular stupendous father-daughter exchange – the story is not meant to offend in any way; it is merely something that happened that I find wonderful and worth sharing.
P.S. It occurred to me that, while I still am not there with the solo dancing I want to teach in prisons, I am at the very edge of receiving my yoga teacher certification, – a type of yoga that uses lots of meditation and mantra and healing exercises – and I could look into teaching that in prisons… something also incredibly beautiful and powerful and potentially extremely beneficial to those living in prison, especially as part of their preparation to move back into the world outside of prison… So, yeah… I’m suddenly rather inspired to get that certification finished ASAP.
P.P.S. And then, that had me thinking that I might somehow get the opportunity to do portraits of people in prison…. and that could be a beautiful project, be it for their future work portraits or for a neat project of sharing about prisons with the world… yeah… that’s gonna stay on the side in my mind, ready for when the time is right to act on it… definitely… 🙂
Tonight, I was told that a certain someone who is close to me and who, I think, is a handsome guy is “not attractive”.
We agreed on the facts that his personality is great and that he’s a great guy, but this girlfriend seemed to believe that he definitively is not attractive, not good-looking, not handsome…
And I heartily disagree.
Normally, I don’t mind disagreeing with people on this concept of attractiveness and all, but this one has really gotten to me.
When she first said it, I was actually a bit offended… I’d felt a shock like a slap to the face.
And I wasn’t sure if it was because I disagreed with her, or because it was about someone close and important to me…
Now, a while later, I am prone to think that it was mostly due to the fact that he is so important to me, and because I find him to be handsome, her comment seemed to be offensive, and also personal (to a degree).
It just reminded me that thoughts on handsomeness, attractiveness, even beauty are not necessarily universal or able to be defined, definitive… there is too much bias in every party involved…
And so, somehow, I feel better out of this…
A girlfriend of mine has signed me up on these dating apps (despite the fact that I actually dislike and distrust them), and nothing much has come of it, except for her constantly telling me that I need to be more open to more guys, so that I can find a guy to go on a date with me…
My feelings and thoughts on it, however, are merely stronger than they were before we started this app business: I will not settle for anything less than perfect for me…
It drives her nuts, but no, I will not go out with a guy to whom I am not attracted, despite how cute he may be; I will not date a guy with whom I can’t possible envision at least some bit of future together… – Yes, Michael Phelps is a great-looking guy, but I just don’t see it, so I wouldn’t seek out a date with him… If he asked me out, sure, I would consider it, but I’m not going to go after him myself…
(Joseph Gordon-Levitt on the other hand…. 😂 [You know, if they weren’t married, that is…])
Anyway, so the apps are being deleted on Tuesday, she said, when she goes on her vacation with the bf, so she only has another day and a half to make something happen from them, if she wants something to happen.
Personally, while it could be fun, I think I would be much more comfortable and rather relieved once the apps are gone… just saying.
… Did I mention that we are about 98% sure that he has a child…., a daughter?
He is also very recently single (which I discovered before the daughter part, and which had me start adjusting to the fact that he doesn’t need and likely doesn’t want to date anyone new right now nor for a while yet to come), but that is somewhat beside the point here…
My friend didn’t know who he was when I mentioned him to her, so she did some brief stalking to find a photo of him to see if she recognized him (which she did not).
Upon doing so, she also discovered pictures of a cute little girl… upon further research, it seemed almost undeniably clear that she is his daughter, and has been for the past several years…
My friend asked me if that changes things… I said that I didn’t want it to change things for me, but that I was feeling like it did changes things for me, nonetheless…
I was down and bummed and sad the whole next 20-ish hours, despite our delving into these dating apps (per my friend’s requirement), until I had a conversation with my aunt about it.
She encouraged me, while it is harmless, to enjoy the little girl starstruck in love daydreaming I was having of him – I don’t have to make any decision one way or the other, so long as I remember that it is just a fun mind exercise I’m doing, and that I interact with the real person separate from whatever version of him I have in my head… if it gets to be a problem, and I will know, then I’ll need to make up my mind then to do something about it or to get over it all and let it go.
Until then, however, I get to enjoy the brainstorming version of dating and spending my life with this guy… and I’m happy with that.
Actually, based on how today went with the passive brainstorming, I’m extremely delighted with it.
And, I have much practice in remembering to interact with what and who are in front of me, and not the version I’ve made up in my head…, so I trust myself to interact with him in real life in the way in which I actually want to interact with him, without a doubt (as a friend).
So, that’s kind of where things stand on that front.
Part of me wants him not to be available even, so that I can stop even allowing for the possibility of something happening between on, and just move on in life (of course I unintentionally typed “love on” – sort of a Freudian slip, I suppose)… it certainly would be easier.
But it could be really, really fun and wonderful for him to be available and interested in yours truly… I think part of me wants him not to be available, so that I don’t have to deal with a chance of rejection… non-option is completely different for me than rejection, and I always seem to feel like I’m not good enough anyway, so I won’t be wanted by the gorgeous and good guys, in which case it feels better for them just to be unavailable from the start, so I don’t have to know the feeling of being declined for no one in particular…
How cool and awesome and amazing would it be, though, if he were available and interested in me?
Quite a breakthrough for me, if it were to be so, that’s for sure.
But I hardly allow myself even to consider it…
Anyway, I likely will allow myself one more day of this daydreaming and all, not allow myself to look him up online, and then require myself, in a sense, to get over it – enjoy him from afar and in a friendly manner, but place him in the ‘not a chance’ category and move on, without even being offended…. just accepting that my fate is not ranked highly enough for him, and we probably aren’t a true match, anyway…. you know… it’s just emotionally easier that way…
I guess we’ll just have to see how I feel whenever I actually see him next, and see if I can be the person I want to be, my best self, with him and the whole situation… it might go differently than it has with guys in the past… but we’ll see…
Hmm… it could be wonderful, but I hardly dare consider at the present moment…
I had a dream last night in which I attended an odd sort of reunion for my elementary school.
There were really only about ten people in attendance, and it took place at my elementary school.
However, I haven’t actually been inside my elementary school since it was torn down and rebuilt years and years ago, so, I was a little lost in finding the right room at the reunion… I even came across a room for another reunion first and said hi to a kid I knew from middle school and who didn’t go to my elementary school, but that didn’t stop my brain’s having him be attending his own reunion in that particular classroom at my elementary school…
My mom had dropped me off, and given me a kiss and wished me a good time, and I was slightly nervous but also oddly comfortable – I haven’t seen these people in almost fifteen years, but that didn’t seem to matter (or, perhaps, it helped)…
In the actual hangout, we were all sitting at some tables at one point, talking as a group, when the guy next to me makes an executive decision, and full-on kisses the guy next to him on the mouth.
Immediately following, he declares that ‘well, now he knows’ what that’s like, at which point I notice distinctly who the two of them are: tall Kevin W. kissed little Ryan S.
(Mind you, this is how they were as kids, and so my brain decided to mature them while maintaining the relative heights.)
And no one had a problem with it.
One guy made a comment jokingly, kind of in remembrance of something stupid he would have said back in the day, but, now that none of us cares about homosexuality, he wouldn’t have even thought of being uncomfortable or if making a stupid comment… actually, that was why Kevin kissed Ryan – because we were talking about how we and thins had changed and that homosexuality wasn’t something anyone teased about or was uncomfortable about… if a guy kissed a guy, gay or not, we wouldn’t care…
And so then Kevin kissed Ryan, even though neither of them is it was gay, and our point was proven that none of us minded, and Kevin and Ryan got to see what kissing one another was like.
And then it all shifted and there was somehow a pool and people and we were participating in a swimming party for our reunion gathering… my mom dropped something off to me at some point – perhaps it was a swimsuit…. – and I’m not remembering much else in enough detail to describe now, so I’ll leave it at that.
It was a fun gathering and idea, and an even more fun dream – I kind of wish we could do a real one (and I wouldn’t mind if Kevin decided to kiss Ryan at this one, too!)… it would be nice to see everyone again and to see how our lives led us forward… I think I would like that very much. 🙂
Do you ever just go nuts in your mind, imagining the ideal desired future of some situation, even though you’ve only just begun?
I met a guy today (who is gorgeous, by the way).
The little girl in me is totally starstruck in love.
A short while after meeting him, my brain had already imagined and visualized a scenario in which this guy and I date and become super close and a wonderful couple, eventually semi living together, and, after months into it all, he meets my family, and my various family members have various reactions to him, as well as to the fact that I not only have been dating someone for so long but also that this guy is the guy I’ve been dating (because he’s not so typical of what others in my family have dated or married)… and, it was at about this point, I realized how nuts this situation was, and I just started laughing…
I met him about two hours ago, and I was just now contemplating – albeit passively – how my family would take the news of my dating him and, then, of our plans to marry… now, another few hours later, even though I chastened my brain a bit earlier, I have already considered the idea of how he and I might manage our wedding (wedding or not, and what style of what, and why), how we would live and where, and casual details of our physical relationship….
I know almost nothing about him, but clearly my brain does not care.
Is this a typical thing people do/have happen?
It is for me, anyway… I’ve come to see it as a double-benefit situation:
First, I get the fun and practice of dreaming up scenarios in life, as well as the chance to have everything go exactly as I would love for to to go – dreams come true.
Second, I get to test the idea of a future with someone, and have a general sense of whether I could see a future with that person.
I don’t expect my brain’s scenarios actually to play out in real life as they do in my head, and so I’m never angry whenever they don’t happen (though I am ever so slightly bummed, of course), and I take things as they come…, but it feels to me like my being able to envision a future with someone is a good sign – if I couldn’t imagine a future together, well, then maybe it’s a hard no for me, right?
That’s kind of how I see it, anyway… maybe my brain does it to help take care of me, to make sure I pursue the good paths and not the bad ones, giving me exciting possibilities in my mind, whenever I’ve found a good match for whatever the circumstances…
Either that or I’m just a little bit totally nuts… you know… 😛
P.S. A mere minutes after posting this, he and I now have a baby girl, and she is gorgeous, and he is absolutely adorable with her…
P.P.S. The funniest part to me is how I genuinely do think about other things, but they somehow all feed into another new thought about the future I could have with this guy… just now, I was thinking about the show we saw tonight, and then the summer camp where my brother loved working, and all the campers and kids there, and then the idea of how I would feel pregnant, if I ever one day would do it, and then I suddenly had an image of this guy holding what was clearly our baby girl… I mean, where did he even come from??… uninvited, he still shows up, and our future together progresses… 🤦🏼♂️😂
I don’t need to describe any tall, dark, and handsome details – simply saying ‘a Scott Eastwood’ will do the trick.
Golly, he’s just darn gorgeous.
And just the right age, too.
So, the real Scott Eastwood can continue his film star life – although I should have truly loved to meet his parents, his dad in particular – and I’ll take someone who’s just like him but meant for me, okay?
Okay, thanks, World.
Sounds good.
😛
Dear me… Dirty Harry, you done well with that one, at least… and the world is grateful… whoo(!).
I know I am being silly here (and I hope you can tell, too), but I truly am grateful for Scott Eastwood… he is a quite good actor (in the role I’ve seen so far, anyway), and he just lights up the world around him… even if I never see him in person, I am forever grateful that his beauty is present in this world…
I don’t mean to objectify or demean him, here…. for the sake of a comparison: it is like how flowers are for more than being seen and smelled, but they sure do help to make the world a more beautiful place…, and Scott Eastwood is a fabulous flower in the garden of our world.
hannah ananas 