March 2020 – Page 3 – hannah ananas

Food…

Have you ever had a strong physical reaction to food…?

I don’t mean like food poisoning or allergy, not at all.

I mean like… an arousing… reaction…

No?

Well, tonight, riding home through the cool, misty air, I passed underneath the train tracks, and hit the first wall of Sunbeam bread being freshly baked for the early morning send-off…

I inhaled deeply, sucking in the warm, glorious smell I always delight in crossing…

And I felt an instant, almost overpowering, reaction in my body… my muscles tensed, and an intense shiver, originating … well, yeah… below my belly, rose powerfully upward, through my belly, my spine, down my arms and spreading through the hair follicles on my entire body… in a sense, it was a moment of ecstasy…. It was deep and intense and thorough, though only for a few moments.

My whole body was suddenly tightly wound, and utterly warm, for just a moment…

As the shiver released through my body, its spread all-encompassing, it flowed out my finger tips and skull, and dissipated entirely, leaving only a questioning sense of ‘What the h*** just happened?’ in my mind…

I wasn’t opposed.

But I certainly was surprised.

I mean… wow.

Bread.

Not even… the scent of bread.

Just… wow.

So, that’s been on my mind since I arrived home tonight… haha 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Get your a** off the floor ;P

The biggest mistake was sitting down.

If I hadn’t sat down in the first place, I wouldn’t be stuck here right now, battling mentally with what it will take to get me to get up, go put on some clothes, and finish my post-shower, pre-bed activities so that I can go to bed and sleep.

However, here I still sit, leaning against my bed, instead of in it, and just a towel wrapped around my hair… eyes drooping closed and slowly rising again to determine if I have made it into bed yet, only to be disappointed to the point of closing them once more… the cycle repeats.

Okay, fine, I’ll get up and finish things up… I just don’t have anything for tomorrow, though I have more than one thing I would love to do tomorrow (if only it weren’t all dependent upon another), so it is harder for me to want to go to sleep.:.

Well, perhaps I can develop something wonderful simply by waking earlier than needed, and taking the time to explore what I might like to do, and then do it…

We’ll see about that…, but it is enough to get me up, so, here I go…

P.S. I Really want to go somewhere next week – no school, no work, no events… let’s either get a cheap plane fair somewhere or drive somewhere, a state or national park, perhaps(!)… ye-he-hess (Mr. Burns style, fingers and all).

Date-lights and date nights

Approximately 8:30pm, I pull up on the Vespa to a stoplight, a Chevy truck in the left turn lane next to me.

We both see one another.

“Nice ride,” he says to me.

I laugh, lift my visor, and say, “Thanks,” enjoying the irony.

“What’s you’re name?”

“Huh?” He repeats, and I reply, “Hannah.”

“Alex. Nice to meet you.”

I smile, and, after a brief pause, add, “We have very different rides,” wondering how exactly my little scooter is so impressive to this truck guy.

“Yeah,” he agrees, and then adds, “Can I have your number?”

I give him a large grin, the light changing green, and I lower my visor, shaking my head while I drive away, chuckling to myself and smiling super big in my helmet.

THAT was adorable, I think.

I smile the whole way to where I am going, thinking of how funny it is, and wondering if it would be weird to tell the guy I’ve just asked out, even though it is funny and worth sharing.

By the time I walked in, this guy – not “Alex” – was pretty much the only thing on my mind, and I had entirely forgotten about the stoplight incident – I didn’t even remember to tell my mom about it.

… I still haven’t told anyone about it… I’m so weird about dating.

Unsure of how things were left after my date today, I expressed my bit of stress and frustration to a good friend of mine, and the tiny conversation made me feel a lot better, though it changed nothing:

Hannah: Uh! This is so stressful. Why do people date? I can’t take it. I can’t stop thinking about him, yet I feel like he’s just not really into me. Ugh!

Friend: Yea when you said “dating sounds fun” I was like well…. haha

Hannah: It SOUDS fun
Like how communism sounds fair
Haha

Friend: Liked the message, “Like how communism sounds fair”

So, yeah… I don’t think I offended him or anything, but I think I just wanted to spend so much more time with him one-on-one than I was given, and we didn’t clearly ‘end’ the date, because it just flowed into the next part of the day, with other people slowly showing up and around, and then I got all into my head about it for quite a while, and rather negatively so…

I got over it after a while, but it sucked for a good bit today, the craziness in my head and my extreme self-doubt.

It had me wonder if it wouldn’t be good for me to go out with people just to practice being denied and still being okay with it and with myself, like how I applied for the artist residency the other week, 90% sure it would not happen… practice in failure, so to speak, in order to help me release my fear of failure.

So, basically, maybe it could be good to ask out a bunch of super cute guys, give it my all, and be okay with the high likelihood of rejection, and then, eventually, with the actual rejection.

I don’t know… it’s perhaps just a thought, not a good or great idea…

Whatever the case, I liked being with this guy today, and I wish we could have more time together.

And as soon as possible, of course, because I struggle with this whole delayed gratification in this kind of scenario… oh, well… deal with it, Banana, right?

Right:

On that, I bid you a good night. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Get Frozen

And the thunder rolls, and the storm inside prepares to release all hell on us all, a full-force gale to accompany the downpour… you can see the purples and grays, mounting their downward attack… the daunting sky above reflects perfectly what is inside…

And then you have a choice.

You can let the storm explode with its full fury, or you can let it pass…

You can be right about all of your negative, self-degrading thoughts, or you can let them go…

But it is up to you… your life is up to you, and my life is up to me.

I can battle the storm inside, or I can just let it all go, already…

I guess, if I hold on to it all, I get to be right about not being wanted, I get to be a victim, and I get to justify my hurt.

If I let it go, though, I can be free of it, and I can be free to move on to anything I want – I no longer have to be controlled by this…

And this might turn out all right after all, but panicking and building this storm of stress and emotions won’t help it to work out…

So, I guess I am letting it go…

Haha.

Okay.

I accept.

🙂

P.S. As though in universal support of my resolution here, I opened my e-mail to find this daily message for today(!!!):

Post-a-day 2020

Are you game?

I am somewhat terrified (though not in any life-threatening way) for tomorrow and onward.

I don’t date people… I just don’t.

Men don’t ask me out, I don’t ask them out, and we don’t go out.

…

Yet, here I am, scheduled to meet a person for brunch – I also don’t go eat with people when I don’t know how they eat, physically (can’t stand smacking and all sorts of nonsense) – for, well, a date that, well, I asked him to go on with me.

Have I gone mad?

I am so particular, and also so panicky about all of this business…

We (meaning my friend) put me on the dating apps, and it stressed me out so much, I couldn’t take it.

And I didn’t even go on any dates from them(!), but I just needed to be removed from them.

And I think they scared me.

I have it in my head that things will be easy with the person meant for me, and that’s totally okay.

But I also have this desire to date people – like the concept of going on dates and being giddy and silly and flirty and having fun and learning all about someone else, and then also just having someone to go do something with me, to spend time with me.

One side of me wants to go date all over the place, but another wants to be reserved, to stay away, to wait with utter loyalty for the one meant for me…

The parable where the one guy goes and buries the money, while the other two invested their shares, and he returns just the original amount to the master, but the others return more, due to interest from their investments, and the master fusses at him for his poor judgement of what was best to do with the money… comes to mind…

If I sit quietly, safely, alone and underground, I will not improve upon myself and I will have significantly less to offer when that someone comes to retrieve me, so to speak – I would have so much less to offer my partner whenever we did get together.

So, it makes sense to invest myself, again, so to speak…

But I also am terrified of hurting the other person I date – I hate rejection, but I also hate rejecting… my usual tactic is to avoid the whole situation by figuring out ahead of any dating opportunity that the person and I are not meant for each other, and then making sure no date ever comes of it…

And I don’t want to be hurt myself… I don’t want to be rejected myself… as much as I don’t want to have to ‘let him down easy,’ as we say, I don’t want to be ‘let down’ at all… I’ve had enough of that experience in my life already, especially with guys… I don’t want any more of it.

But it is just like the job interview, as my mom and I always discuss before I have an interview… I want to get this, because I think it would be amazing, but I want to be true to myself and I want to get it because I am good for it – if I would not be good for it and would end up miserable in it, I want not to get it… if they do not want me, then it is good that they reject me, because it is not the place for me, and it is not a good place for me, either… If they accept me, it is because I am perfect for it, and things will be amazing… if they reject, it is because something better awaits me… I need not put any extra stress, emphasis, or meaning onto the interview (e.g. That I have to get this, or that it means I suck if I don’t get this, etc.)… however it turns out is perfect for me and my life, and I will be heading perfectly to where I need to be next in life.

This whole dating thing, I think can be like that for me… if we are meant to be together, we will be; if we are not, we won’t be…, either way is perfect.

We are on this date for some reason, and there is something wonderful to get out of it, including its being a wonderful opportunity to learn about and get to know another human being in the intimacy of a one-on-one experience (something of which we seem to do far too little in this life)… if nothing else, that is a good enough reason to go on this date.

I think that is actually why I wanted this date: He attracts me, and I want to see why, I want to learn about him, to satisfy the curiosity that called me so strongly to him as to want to spend one-on-one time with him.

Wanting to spend one-on-one time with someone doesn’t mean we have to kiss or have sex or anything at the end of it – it is truly just an opportunity to have uninterrupted interaction with one another… and I think that is one of the most important parts of this for me to get… I can go on a date and not have to kiss the guy at the end… and I can even talk about that with him, and even at the beginning.

It’s kind of like how I told this one friend-ish acquaintance straight up, “I’m not having sex with you,” and he understood and was not offended, and we still spent and spend time together, one-on-one, despite my clear declaration… hmm…

Wow… is it really an expectation of a kiss (etc.) that most stresses me about dating?… that I would be declared overly chaste and wuss and whatever afterward?

Hmm… I might have something there…

But what if I already do want to kiss him?… and I end up not wanting to kiss him later on, after we spend more time together?… is it okay to back away some, to remove the kissing from the table, while still being amicable, friends, even?

I guess that would be part of the conversation to be had to begin it all… establishing expectations, concerns, goals, and anything else that needed to be said before diving into the date fully…

Actually, I really like that idea… I had thought of it before, but not in such clarity and with such specific reasoning behind it… now I need to make sure this happens tomorrow, before our date begins fully…

Yes, I am game (and it seems like it will be very fun to play). 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

The Music

What would I be without music?

So many vocabulary words, concepts, and emotional states were learned through Disney songs in my childhood… that free, full, and flying experience I feel in so much of John Denver’s music… the inner pain of Jim Croce’s “Operator”… the joyful youth found through Backstreet Boys and N’Sync… the easy, fun anger of Avril Lavigne… the empowering, flowing connection with the divine found in so many religious and spiritual songs… the calm, determination I find in Enya… the uplifting tears of “Claire de lune” (on piano, not orchestra)… the fears felt in Fantasia 2000… the hoppy joy of Steve Martin on the banjo… the expression of my own anguish, released in Superchick’s “Beauty from Pain”… the community through loss in The Dixie Chicks’ “Travelin’ Soldier”… the rush of delight up my spine from “Rhapsody in Blue”… and every emotion I have ever known, each found in this song or another, somewhere perfectly expressed…, if even in my own music… dancing allowed and encouraged by music… connecting with others through music, through making music together, through sharing music… spoken languages learned through music… things memorized, facts and stories learned through music… not to mention the constant whistling…

I don’t know where or what I would be without music, but I cannot imagine it would be much of a place worth being…, and I cannot see myself anywhere in it – so much of who I am is from and found in music…

It is, in a way, my life… music…

That and gelato… 😛

Nah, that’s just a joke, but it reminded me of the lovely stracciatella I discovered in Rome, which is something I would like to bring back into my life. 😛

Joking aside, though, much of my life has been formed by music… so many memories of listening to and eventually singing along to musicals in the car with my mom when I was little, playing music with my extended family at gatherings, listening to music with my tape player or walkman or CD player during car rides, dancing – especially dancing – all the time… these are all precious memories for me, and they all are, though it may seem unlikely, moments that impacted who I was and who I became out of the situation… and strongly so…

Music is everywhere for me; around me, within me… it is a huge part of who I am.

And I am extremely grateful for it.

There is so much more I would like to say on this specific topic, but, after a three and a half hour distraction that started at 22:58 tonight, I really just need to go to sleep, instead… so, I finish for now with the following:

And I say thank you for the music

The songs we’re singin’

Thanks for all the joy we’re bringin’

Who can live without it,

I ask in all honesty

What would life be

Without a song or a dance

What are we

So, I say thank you for the music

For giving it to me

-ABBA

Post-a-day 2020

What a day(!!!)

Today was my cousin’s birthday, March 8th.

I spent it in one of my favorite places in life: inside a theatre during one of their final rehearsals.

I absolutely loved where I was.

I trusted myself to be myself, and I was myself.

And then(!) (And Thennnn, and, gentlemen, and Theeennnnnn!!!), I asked out one of the actors.

Yep.

I actually did that, asked someone to go out with me.

I met him over a year ago, and wanted to date him instantly, but he was unavailable.

I placed the desire and the somewhat intense, actually, longing way off to the back and side of my mind, and I moved onward in life, only just slightly and occasionally wondering a version of, ‘What if…?’ around him.

And then, this Friday, I learned that he was not in that committed relationship from over a year ago anymore.

And my heart and lungs did a sort of flex and surge simultaneously, and I suddenly couldn’t stop wondering if he were seeing anyone at all now…, if he might not be available…, if he might have the potential of being interested in me…

For I was clear that I was still interested in him.

I’m pretty sure I wrote about him on here, even, and I still would say the same points of interest again now – if not even more. (Yep, I totally did, though only briefly.)

And so, after rehearsal, I called him to the side, away from anyone else – because I was not having this conversation with anyone else around, but I could not let myself go another two days without knowing, without doing something about this possibly spectacular opportunity that had just presented itself to me – and I asked him if he was seeing anyone right now (“Nope”), and then asked him out (“Yeah. Definitely.”), and it was terrifying and relieving and totally lovely.

When my mom came walking past shortly afterward – I had been on-task for her, helping with props, when I had talked to him, and I still was working (not terribly distractedly) when she came by – I said to her only, “I asked him out,” and she chuckled slightly.

“And?” She knew whom I meant.

“Yeah. Definitely.” I couldn’t even try to hide the smile on my face, if I had wanted, it was so big. 😛

After we’d finished all of our tasks for the night, and my mom was accompanying me as I unlocked and readied the Vespa, she looked him up OnLine(!), and started telling me facts all about him… as if it weren’t already going to be hard enough for me not to think about him constantly for the next 48 hours until I see him again (and then, who knows how long after that, too), now she was feeding me all the stalker girl information I could want (and would have barred myself from researching myself, because I never research a person I actually like)!

So, that was nuts but delightful.

All of it, actually.

What’s more, I’m pretty sure he’s younger than I am (though not by much), so I’m kind of rocking the cougar train, I guess… makes it all the more fun, I dare say…, because it truly is fun…

For the first time, I feel like I am truly trusting and being myself fully in such a situation with a man – I have spent so much time being worried around men, for all sorts of reasons, and tonight, at last, I was comfortable with myself and confident in myself FULLY…, and I acted accordingly, and asked out what seems to me to be an amazing man.

At the very least, he keeps eye contact in conversation, and it melts your heart every time (well, mine, anyway).

Eat your heart out… 😛

(I mean that as an endearing phrase from a beloved film, and not as anything else, just so we’re clear.)

Man…, I am so freed for myself, and joyed at my being myself – go you, Banana.

I love you, and I am so proud of you for taking care of you today.

My kakizome for this year are 自信と心 jishin to kokoro Self-trust/Self-confidence and Heart… they are my intentions, my goals, my points of practice for the year, and I really experienced and emulated them today and tonight.

No matter what specifically happens with him, this is all going to be great, and it is definitely a beautiful step for me in being the person, the woman, I want to be. 😉

Bravery and Beauty, Banana… bravery and beauty… 🙂

Wow… what a day.

Happy Birthday to my Cousin, and Happy Day to Me!(!!!!!!!!!!!) ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Love, love, love me, myself, and I

Wow… people really do like me.

And I mean me…

Not some fancified, put-on version of myself… just the real version, myself, me.

I met some people yesterday, some for the first time and some for not the first but a not-long-after-first time, and I just was myself – I was free to be myself, and I was just that.

And it was easy.

And I was surprised at how much certain of those people seemed to like me.

Today, I continued to let everything else be out of the way, and I was simply myself, without concern about it – almost without even thinking about it or noticing it – and, well, I had even more people express clear like of me, some of them blatant and direct about it… others subtle and indirect about it, yet still very obvious to me… they like me.

Me.

And it seemed like, for some of them, anyway, they like me a lot…

Wow.

It has me wonder about when I am interested in a guy and he doesn’t seem to be interested in me… there are plenty of wonderful people who genuinely like and love me for exactly who I am…, perhaps, if this guy isn’t interested in me, in who I am, then he just isn’t worth it, isn’t worth the time and consideration from me…, because I am amazing, and there will be amazing people to love me, always… I believe that.

If this guy doesn’t love me, then maybe he isn’t meant to love me – maybe his focus is meant to be elsewhere for some reason or other, allowing me to have my own focus elsewhere, not on him… so just let it go, and move onward…

I guess…

At the very least – and what I think is most important here, now that I am getting to it – I would do well to remember that I am not only lovable and likable, but I am loved and I am liked, even if it isn’t by this particular person… I am worth it… just perhaps this particular relationship is not…

Yes, that… that is a very good point for me to make for myself and to remember…

🙂

People love me, for me… I can be myself, and life will be lovely and love-filled in my world, even and especially when parts seem to suck.

Yup.

Post-a-day 2020

Thump-thump, to the beat

Once again, my heart is ablaze at the sound of the same man’s voice…

I first heard him sing just over a year ago, amidst a chorus-filled song, when his crystalline voice suddenly, and seemingly out of nowhere, pierced through the rest, and took my heart with it as its reverberations dissipated through the room…

To me, it was the voice of a man delighted and in love, sharing his delight with the world.

Today, and this week, hearing it again, I cannot but feel my entire stomach convulse and my heart pause in awe, before thumping with intensity and fervor, longing to follow and to stay with such a voice, such an expression.

His voice has my heart forever, I declared… and I told it to him, too, even before hearing him sing again today… that’s how lovely it is, and how strongly it sticks in my memory.

It’s funny what I thought of while considering it all afterward… when I lived in Japan, there was a brief time, shortly after moving there, that I had two phone buddies who also had just moved there.

One of them and I had both procured guitars, and so, one night, while talking, instead of hanging up and having to call back after her shower, the friend just left the phone on speaker, and I practiced some guitar and singing.

We joked that I was serenading her during her shower (which led to the telling of another silly story from college of my doing something similar).

When I told later my other phone buddy, he jokingly yet in earnest asked where his serenading was.

And so, one night before bed, I sang him some music… naturally, with its being just before bed and his being who he is, he fell asleep while I sang to him.

Basically, as we say now, I sang him to sleep.

And so, today, after hearing this tantalizingly beautiful voice sing, I recalled my phone buddy’s demanding question, and I found myself saying (silently to myself, that is) that I want to have his voice sing me to sleep at night… oh, couldn’t I, please?

You can just call me every night before you go to bed, if I haven’t called you yet (because I tend to go to bed at all different hours, depending on the week), and you can just sing me a lovely little song, and then we’ll hang up and I’ll go directly to sleep.

Done.

Easy peasy.

Let’s do it.

Let me have your number – here’s mine.

Date whomever you want; just call me every night to sing to me.

😂

So, yeah… those were my thoughts all afternoon…

Post-a-day 2020

Patience is a virtue

Two things:

1) I successfully, though unintentionally, convinced a room full of people tonight that I am 21/22 and fresh out of college… not sure how I feel about that exactly… I mean, sure, it’s funny to me, but I’m not sure if there isn’t anything else there, a concern, perhaps…

2) I looked into doing that scary but loving thing just now, and it is proving much more difficult than I had thought it would be… fortunately, I have someone who is likely to be a spectacular resource in the subject, and this is someone I can ask for this help… whatever the outcome, it is likely to create a whole new space to our relationship with one another, because the question I will be asking will lead necessarily to some intense and private information…, and, I think, show how 1) crazy I am and 2) loving I am… so, yeah… that’s likely to be really quite the unique experience when I get that opportunity… the struggle of it isn’t the matter of intimacy it could cause but the fact that I have to arrange myself to come into contact with the person in order to ask for the help in the first place, and that can be tough… and it will take patience, for sure…

::sigh

Life is nuts, and, though I totally love it, there’s a lot of nuts-ness in it, especially these days for me…

Oh, well… here goes, anyway(!).

Post-a-day 2020