The wells of the sky now seem to be dry.
And I,
Alone again in my room,
Singularly sigh.
“I feel you, skies… I feel you…
Today was not as expected,
And I can’t quite tell if I am preparing to burst into song – somewhere way in the near future – or am replenishing the water within, that I might, once again, let it all flow forth, releasing all of this ick inside that cannot abide…
Ugh…”
Post-a-day 2019
I entitled this “Fitness”, but the phone decided to change it to “Fatness”, when I went to click on the writing section, and the phone offered/suggested alternatives to what I’d written… it still somewhat applies, so I’m leaving it… it’s like a Freudian slip for the technology age. 😂
So, after class today, I was talking with one of the coaches about when I might expect to see visual results with my body from these workouts.
We talked briefly about my diet, and then he requested to speak honestly.
“Of course(!).”
“When you first came in here…[…], you looked kind of sedentary…[…] Now, you already have definition in your body… in your legs… in your – you look like an athlete…[…] before, …” (makes faces) “… Now, you look like an athlete.”
It’s been a month of these classes, and I’ve attended 23 of them so far.
I checked my activity log for running, walking, and biking – and I only log my bike ride to and from the workouts, as well as any runs of a mile or more in the workout, not the actual workouts themselves – and I already have almost half the number of activities and half the distance covered that I had in all of last year… and I’ve gotten almost all of that this past month.
I had one activity, a 3-mile hike/run through the hills in Redlands, California, when I went with a friend who was moving there, logged this year otherwise… nothing else.
So, in one month, I’m already almost halfway to all of my official exercise activities last year.
Pretty cool, huh?
I mean, totally bummer that I had so few last year, but we can’t change that, nor can we change the mental struggle that kind of ran the show regarding all of that…, we can, however, embrace the freedom that is the new state of affairs, where I am now governing my fitness and my fitness activities (not some mental freak-out), and I am actively pursuing genuine and somewhat intense physical fitness.
So, woohoo!
Yay!
And, though I’ve felt that my progress visually is slow – aka my belly and haunches and inner thighs still seem so ugh – it is nice to have the positive encouragement from the coach today, as well as my sneaky shoulder muscle for when I brush my teeth. 🙂
Yay, for mental and physical fitness! 🙂
Post-a-day 2019
I had my hair cut today.
Actually, I had a whole lot of my hairs cut today… and voluntarily.
I’m extremely pleased with the result, though it somewhat freaks me out a bit… as though the person I see in the mirror is someone else from the person I saw every time before this evening.
The whole goal to the haircut was to step closer still to the person I want and long to be… and every time I take those steps, then tend to be quite scary… the fear of failure – and various tangents off of it, too – always makes me feel a bit wobbly as I take these steps, though they usually gain solid ground and confidence rather quickly once I actually take them.
So, with the hair, I’m still a bit wobbly on my feet, so to speak, but I am finding the ground to be increasingly solid and stationary, the more I allow myself to experience the panic and discomfort, and, therefore, to let it go.
And no, this is not over just a little haircut, just so you know – this was my hair this morning:
and this was the floor* after the haircut:
*Including the 18-inch section that I set down for the photo; hair that I am donating for wigs for cancer patients (yet again)
And my hair is not very thick, mind you… that’s a pile of an additional four and a half inches that came off after I relaxed a bit about it all, and I was ready for the real haircut and style to happen. 😛
That’s 22 and a half inches of hair for the longest parts, with the bulk of it being around 20 and a half inches long…
Kind of crazy, huh?
Post-a-day 2019
Well, today was crazy for photography for me!
First, it turns out that the owner of this awesome dance studio in town and I work out at the same gym… so, I actually met him a few weeks ago, but just didn’t know about the studio until this morning.
And the dance studio part came up, because we were talking about photography, since he’d brought his camera to class this morning, and was letting people look through them on the camera after class… I asked him about the lens, since I knew it took something expensive to get photos on that setting.
He asked if I was a photographer, and I told him that, as of last week, I sure am… and he asked about my background in photography, and then he told me about the photos he tends to do, and showed me some of them on his website.
They were awesome and fun and really neat portraits, and I totally loved and was inspired by them.
He said to get in touch, so I can come by his studio sometime, which is nearby… ‘Oh? What kind of studio is it?’… ‘I actually own a dance studio, and it’s in there.’… ‘Uh…, what dance studio?’…
I could hardly believe when he said the name of the studio – super excitement!
So now, it looks like I’ll have the chance to intern with him a bit on the photography he does, which will include getting to visit the studio and likely some spectacular dancers do their stuff for shoots from time to time!
At the social the gym had later on today, he and his wife and their baby were in attendance, and he introduced us, and brought up the idea of my doing some photography with them and working with them some, saying also that his wife does really wonderful photography, too, that is different from his own.
She, too, told me that we could do some shoots together, and even mentioned an upcoming one (but she verified that I was connected with her husband on Facebook, which I am, as of our conversation after the workout this morning, so that she would be able to get in touch with me so we could talk).
!!!!!!
Totally awesome and exciting, especially considering how I just recently started discussing how I’d like to go ahead and do some interning with a different style of photographer from the wedding photographer with whom I’ve interned this past year.
And now, it seems, I have that opportunity!
I knew the gym was the perfect place for me to be (Yes, I say that to myself every time it gets really hard in a workout and I feel like crying). 😛
So….(!) then I went to help out a photographer with some commercial work he’s doing for a sort of hotel in town.
At the end of that, which was a rather fun time, we were treated by the hotel liaison to almost-filthy-expensive dinners in their restaurant, at which point, the liaison recruits me to do some fun and creative photos of a few things for their social media…
… They don’t currently have money in the budget for photography for social media, so she was about to start looking for an art student or photo intern to do the photo…, but, since I was there with this photographer, she would love for me to take it on myself to take the photos.
(!)
And then she said that, while they can’t give money, since there’s no budget for it, they can do some trading with me… nights at the hotel, or meals at the restaurant, or something else like that.
(!!!)
And my photographer said for me to go for it, so I am!
I said that I’m doing it, and here I seem to be, actually doing it… and the world is lining up so that I can do it more and more.(!)
I’m just really excited about photography tonight… yay!
I don’t know what will come of this all, and that’s okay with me… the point is that I am incredibly grateful for its all having happened today, and for the experience of such enjoyment today. 🙂
Good day… good day… and so much else was really good about today, too… really good day today. 🙂
Post-a-day 2019
Last week, I was talking about how I am suddenly covered in scrapes and bruises…, and that I attribute their origination, though each specific one unknown, generally to CrossFit.
Tonight, my friend, which started with me a few weeks ago, messaged me and the showed me how she is much in the same boat:
I’m literally scuffed and bruised all over.. this is my life now
The coach, after class tonight, said to me, without his knowing about my friend’s message to me, that pain and struggle and small injury are all regular parts of doing these workouts – it’s a lifestyle, he said.
And so, I guess it is…
Tonight was hard… really hard…, and not entirely for physical effort.
The certain muscles that were being used intensely for one part of the workout really, really wiped me out mentally and emotionally – I was balling my eyes out ugly every time I found myself in the midst of that piece of the workout.
The pain and gain and bruises may be part of the lifestyle, but I am very much looking forward to having let go all that is left of this stuff that drags me down emotionally… I want to be wonderfully fit physically, and, in my case, that includes and requires I be wonderfully fit psychologically and emotionally, too.
All of these are parts of this lifestyle I am willing and wanting to follow… bruises and scrapes included (though I imagine they will come in lesser frequency the better I become at all of this stuff!). 😛
Post-a-day 2019
Okay, maybe “photo boss” is a bit much, but it sure sounds intense, and in the right kind of way… ;P
Anyway, so I did the senior portraits for someone the other week – remember that?
(Maybe not, but let’s continue as though you do.)
Using the money from that, I invested in a new lens I’d wanted for a while (which has a high likelihood of earning me menu for a certain kind of photography rather soon, consistently), and in a second memory card that will be extremely useful as I do more and more photo sessions, and in an external hard drive exclusively for photos (since they take up loads of space, now that I’m doing the RAW files and all).
And – possibly the best part – I still have a bit of the money to spare, even after buying myself a huge tank of gas for the truck (the vehicle a family friend has lent me, so that I can go longer distances reliably, instead of only short distances, and unreliable so).
Isn’t that great?
Oh(!).
Of course, the photos turned out totally awesome – I’m super proud!
So, yeah… I’m really happy about these steps I’m taking.
It really makes a difference to declare that I am doing this. 🙂
Post-a-day 2019
I’ve done my first day of mandatory abstainment from the gym and stretchy yoga instead… and everything still hurts.
The plan was today and Friday off and yoga-ed…, but are two days in a row better…, or even enough…?
So, now, I must determine if my bodily exhaustion is genuine overworking, or if it is a bit of laziness and/or fear regarding returning to the gym.
At the warm yoga class this afternoon, I struggled with just about anything that used muscles beyond merely standing straight upright… which was almost everything – my muscles were just so tired.
It has me wonder if I needn’t take tomorrow off, too… and possibly Friday, even, if they don’t improve much by tomorrow night…
I for sure am going Saturday – that encourages me.
But I’m also mentally tired, and kind of want to take a break, anyway… taking the next two days off still would have me at doing three classes in the week… my self-esteem struggles with this idea, of course, because 1)it wants me to do better (in this case more) than most other people, and 2)how will my body get awesome results if I don’t put awesome effort into the exercise program?
As my mother mentioned, there is rather the matter of wearing myself out, as well as managing enough protein for so much of this type of exercise… I really need to check how much protein is important to have each day with these – I could be severely under-nourished, despite my increase in protein intake recently… an extra ten grams doesn’t necessarily compensate for an hour of pain and gain, plus biking to get there and back.
I don’t know…
I guess I’ll just see how I awaken in the morning, and go from there.
Separately, but related, my bruises are all over and do look quite terrible at this point… perhaps that can be reason enough to take an extra day of pause from the workouts – I’ll only earn more of them, if I’m tired too soon in the workout. 
Well, we’ll see mañana, I suppose.
Post-a-day 2019
I made an actual account and page tonight for my photography… someone asked me today, if I had an Instagram account for it, and so I made one…
I haven’t put any photos on it yet, but I did create it… and that’s already a big step for me. 😛
So, we’ll see how this goes, now, shall we?
The next step, I guess, is figuring out what photos to put on the account, and then to put them there already!
Sounds so easy…
Only slightly terrifying, of course…
Post-a-day 2019
Some days, I think I’ve just got to go ahead and pity myself… not so much as a big deal or anything, saying how sad this and what a poor, poor dear I am…, but as a short and sweet, compact little pity party.
We talk about how part of facing our fears is being able first to name them… and I think my little spells of depression can relate much to that idea.
I always acknowledge that I feel I am sucking at life…, but I don’t ever really list it out, say it all out loud.
Tonight, I kind of did in a phone call to my mom… sure, she had some not-so-uplifting, but true things to say, and that didn’t help much in the moment, but it was a good reminder for now.
However, by stating all these things where I felt like I was totally sucking at life, it was like putting a name and face to my current sources of this panicky depressive state from this past week and weekend.
‘This sucks and this sucks, and I feel this way because of this, which totally sucks…., and I feel like a total crap woman because of this, and a total failure in this part of my life, because of this…, etc.’
And I cried a little as I said them, though not lots.
And, now, I feel significant improvement… almost good.
I think I was resisting feeling miserable, because I was ashamed of the circumstances in the first place, and disappointed in my being upset in the second…. and by declaring each upset, without getting all dramatic and angry or anything, by just stating what each piece was, I was able to being letting it all go, letting it all let go of me…
I didn’t tell everything to my mom, so not everything is freed, but everything I told her is mostly totally over for me now.
(There’s one final piece to my weekend stress, and I’m not quite ready to let it go, so I’ll reevaluate it in the morning, if I even still remember it, and I suspect things will go very well after that point.)
So, it seems to me* that this little miniature version of a pity party, in which I say out loud all of the sucky things going on for me in life at the moment, is actually a practical and beneficial means of letting it all go and moving forward with empowerment.
Who’da thunk that a pity party ever would be the answer to truly good things in life? 😛
Maybe that’s why we started them in the first place… we just tend to have a little (read ‘a lot of’) trouble with keeping our words simple and not intensely and immensely dramatic…
Post-a-day 2019
*Dagny would be furious, I know! 😛
It might not look like much, but it’s kind of a big deal… representatively, anyway.
This, my friends (and people I definitely do not know), is my first official photographer pass and credential as a professional photographer.
Sure, it was for a friend’s band’s performance…, and it isn’t exactly the kind of photography I am aiming to do most of the time…, but it was also for real – I, Hannah, was listed as “Photographer” on the special guest list.
I declared myself a photographer and that I am doing photography (not just ‘trying to get it going’ or ‘trying it out’) this past Wednesday night, and, here I am, Friday night, with an official photographer pass.(!)
How cool is that?(!!!)
Again, it isn’t the style of photography I’m aiming to do with most of my photoing, but it is still totally fun and totally cool!
Special bonus that they are totally okay if none of the photos turned out… I had never photographed a band in a club with uber-nuts lights flashing everywhere except on the band members’ fronts, so it was a good low-risk opportunity to practice and to learn.
(Aah!)
Yay!
Post-a-day 2019
hannah ananas 