Tag: dreams

::sigh… snore…

Today was a really good day, all around, it feels… I’m going to bed later than I’d like, but it’s only because I did so much work After Dinner.

And that’s because I spent time before dinner buying groceries from three different stores, in preparation for my mostly raw vegan time, which I’ve been wanting to do for a while now.

And so, I started with lunchtime today doing the pure foods deal, and I had a fabulous salad for dinner (which always seems like such an unfulfilling idea, but that worked out really well tonight, even though the salad was of my own devising).

I’m actually looking forward to breakfast (and lunch) tomorrow, and I can hardly stop thinking about it all… I love drinking my meals, despite how odd or hospitalized it sounds – there’s just something so refreshing about having a meal out of a smoothie and some veggie juice (and no, I am not left hungry afterward, so long as I follow a balance of nutrients with them)… I love it.

And now, I shall go to sleep, so I can dream of smoothies, and then actually have one.

Yay!

Post-a-day 2019

Let’s Nike it

The music is playing on my head again… the music from our routine, I mean…

Is it because I want to do the routine?…, because I want to be that clean (in my dancing)?…, because I want to be the professional I know it would lead to being in the dance world?…, or because I want that body shaping I had at the time?…

In the past, it was all about the first several reasons, but I think it is, this time, about the final reason: the body.

I watch videos from then, and I am surprised at how slim my legs are, how flat my belly is… and that surprise really drives home how unfit I had become in the past couple years.

I get it, though – a lot of stress in a certain kind of way can do this to me, especially with how I was emotionally and psychologically until this calendar year.

Now, however, I want to be done with it all, and move forward as the person I want to be, physical body and all.

We’ve been doing this exercise for two months, now… I was worried to look at a scale, because it doesn’t feel like the fat has been rolling off or anything… and I didn’t want to imagine I had been as bad off as I would have had to have been, if it has been rolling off, and this is how I look right now… (hope you understood that)…

I have so much muscle showing up, it’s almost funny…, but then it’s also a bit sad that the only thing left to complete the visual picture is food – the food I have done a terrible job at managing these past several months with my in-and-out circumstances with my home (which continued with a sudden water issue that kicked me out again last night, after having had only five days back at home since the last necessary departure)… so, in a way, I’m not fit yet, because I don’t have a stable home…

How crazy an idea is that?… really makes me wonder about people who generally have no stable homes… hmm… it’s so dreadful, even knowing that I have somewhere I could stay (most of the time, anyway)…, I can only imagine not having that, and trying to be healthy… even good emotional health would be troublesome to come by at that point, I think… man…

Anyway… so I’m back at home again, and I’m clearing out things, cleaning up and tidying, slowly taking on the KonMari lifestyle for realz – I want this, and it definitely feels like the world has been asking me to do it lately… perhaps a crazy and spectacular move is in the mix in the near future, and this has all been necessary to prepare me for it… only those in the know know, and I do not seem to be one at the present time… if only future self could hand me some words of wisdom. 😛

Actually, perhaps this clearing out is due to inspirational words of wisdom from my future self… we shall see what comes, I guess, and that is all we can do about the future, really.

And so I will make way for what is to come, and I will be better prepared in doing so than if I had stayed unaltered … for life is change, and nothing is ever stagnantly the same, so let us change willingly and wholly with life, embracing it as we go… that’s my present intention, anyway. 🙂

Let’s do it.

Post-a-day 2019

Some days, round diamond

Some days, that one extremely rich acquaintance-slash-friend gets engaged, and you find out the ring was a “4.5 carat, round flawless, D color, Excellent cut (XXX)”…

And you think, Well, that sounds nice… big, for sure, but whatevs…

And then a girlfriend tells you that, not only is that “HUGE”, but the stone alone is worth over three hundred thousand dollars…

… and your eyes open really wide, and you sit there with your jaw wide open, and then you start belly laughing, while you begin to process it all…

And then you learn that the proposal was a scavenger hunt that involved multiple locations and a private plane (owned by that same friend-slash-acquaintance who was the one proposing), and you think, Well, sheee-itt…, he really is Christian Grey after all.

And it all feels quite silly instead of depressing in terms of your friend who used to date him, and you giggle uncontrollably for a bit, and end up having a wonderful time with that girlfriend who used to date the early days version of your verified Christian Grey…

So goes life, I suppose…. for some people, anyway… 😛

Which includes the part, I suppose, where this isn’t really a some days for most people… guess this one’s just for me and my life, after all, too. 😛

Post-a-day 2019

In another man’s shoes?

Do you ever imagine a version of yourself based around some single something?

Today, in the resale shop, I crossed this pair of red high heels that were almost my size (the left shoe fit perfectly, but the right was too small).

They caught my eye immediately, but I took a stroll through the shoes a bit more before turning back and checking their sizing on my foot.

When I put on the left shoe, the first one I happened to grasp, – I would say grab, but grab sounds so forceful, and this totally wasn’t so – I was filled with a little but powerful sense of delight.

These shoes…

And, before I could finish the thought, I realized that I didn’t have a proper ending to it…

… could be me?… could be a version of me?… could be awesome?… are definitely not going to be work by me?…

All of the aforementioned, actually.

And so I left the thought as simultaneously all of them and none of them… simply, “These shoes…”, and a satisfied inner sense of wow.

I felt so satisfied, considering the version of myself who wore these shoes.

She’s awesome, if I dare say so myself (which, I do).

And, she’s not the right now version of myself, if ever anything other than an imagined version of myself.

I don’t wear heels anymore… quite frankly, they’re utterly impractical and almost always uncomfortable.

I, once upon a time, had several pairs of high heels that felt great to wear… in recent years, however, since those have all worn out or been outgrown, heels don’t seem to be going for quality or comfort anymore… not ones that are sold for fewer than several hundred dollars, anyway… (though, to be fair, I tried on a few pairs today, when I was brought along to The Galleria, and those $800+ shoes weren’t too inspiring on the comfort level either)…..

Anyway, the point isn’t really about how poorly shoes are made nowadays, nor is not about the lack of consideration for quality and comfort when making them, but it is more about imagining that version of myself by trying on those shoes.

On the rack, they were pretty.

On my foot, it was inspiring.

In a moment of something like awe, I had a flash of the woman who wore these shoes proudly and comfortably, belonging fully in them… turning heads and keeping them turned.

I saw the money, the fashion, the business clothing… and then I somewhat encouraged the vision out the window… – I don’t want the business suit…. I don’t want that life…

I do, however, want that comfort and confidence… and that’s were my current state of the physical body needs improvement and care and love, and my wardrobe could use some love, too, to address the body that is currently here.

Sure, I might lose weight and not fit in the few items I bought specifically for my currently-excessed hips and thighs two weeks after buying them.

But those two weeks are likely to be miserable for me without something comfortable and confidence-giving to wear…, and they likely will result in another two weeks of misery and no weight loss…, and it is likely to continue onward until I have comfort and confidence in what I am wearing… the better I feel, the better care I actually take of myself…

Kind of crazy, almost Catch 22 sort of concept, but it totally is how things always go for me.

I even grew super excited, even a bit giddy, when I tried in a few pair of jean shorts that almost fit me today… the first pair was fun, but the second pair, the pair that almost fit, was divine gid – I had a glimpse of that version of myself who really is I, myself… she Does wear these kinds of clothes and shorts… yes, she does…

So, I guess I’m going back to get shorts tomorrow, because it is hot in Houston these days, it will increase is heat in the coming days and weeks and months, and I can’t keep going on in that one pair of cut-off shorts that are genuinely multiple sizes too big (I got them one time when I desperately needed shorts, and they at least stayed up, even though they were too big) – I feel so miserable in them these days, knowing how sloppy they look on my currently iffy fat situation.

So, yeah… that’s the plan… though I had definitely intended to talk beautifully, inspiringly about those imagined versions we create and see of ourselves when we cross a specific item from time to time… usually, those visions remind me of what I truly want in my life, so, while they’re fun and almost wistful thoughts, they are actually beneficial ones, too.

Yeah… cool, huh?

Post-a-day 2019

Surprise Photo Op!

“Do you happen to have your camera with you?…”

“Actually, I do… I was just saying I’m about to go get it out of the car, because I didn’t mean to leave it out there, with the heat.”

God sent the camera with me, though I’d brought it on accident, and God delivered a wonderful photo opportunity to me.

They were extremely grateful, I had loads of fun taking the pictures – turns out I really do like photographing events, as I’d always suspected (they just need to be interesting and fun events, is all).

And then… the photo turned out great already, and, with a little touching up, they now look spec-tac-ular(!).

And that is objectively so, not merely my opinion – fact-based statement, that is and was… the photos are amazing. 😛

So, I am truly beginning to feel like a genuine and good photographer, worth people’s hiring and even paying loads of money to me to produce photos for them… I’m not the best, but that’s just a yet. 😉

For now, however, I can feel and see objectively improvement in my photography as a whole and in specific areas every photo shoot.

And it feels amazing.

Thank you, God, for the steps forward on this beautiful path I now explore.

🤗🙏🐪

Post-a-day 2019

Day’s Done

Graduation… tutoring to pass sophomore exams… baby reveal… photography session…

My head is achy, and I didn’t get to attend the workout class I’d intended to do this morning…, but it seems nonetheless to have been a rather great day…

I haven’t seen the photos yet, and my head hurts too much to strain to load and check them out tonight – everything is ready for bed and sleep at this point, and I want to roll with everything on this… sleep beckons me warmly, proffering a cool, damp, lavender cloth for my eyes and forehead to ease my pains and clear my sinuses that are now somewhat clogged…

Too bad I don’t actually have that cloth… oh, well… too much effort to make a makeshift version here – I have oil blends, but no lavender, and she has no wash cloths of which I know…, so we’ll let it pass for tonight… instead, I’ll simply go to sleep and pass… out…

😀

Post-a-day 2019

Hearts and Eyes

James McAvoy stole my heart many years ago in the film Becoming Jane, opposite Anne Hathaway (who also happens to be a love of mine, but in a slightly different way).

Tonight, many years further into my life, and actually experienced in full-on adulthood, despite his character’s faults, he still holds my heart captive in the gorgeous ideal he presents…

To be so loved and admired as he portrays his character to love and admire Anne Hathaway’s… practically the epitome of my goals in life with a partner…

And, just for a moment, consider those bright blue eyes showing up in that dance sequence… just stunning how much love and passion and delight they portray.

Well, done, director and crew and James, himself… darn stunning, indeed!

Post-a-day 2019

A brief note to myself

Dear Hannah,

You’re right – you will be okay… you will make it through all of this, and be the better for it, and even more so than you currently can imagine.

You can do it.

And it’s okay to be scared a bit, too, and to cry a lot… totally part of the whole process of turning into the person you want to be. 😉

Peace and Love be unto, from, and within you

Hannah of the future

Post-a-day 2019

That guy

Remember how I shared about that guy from Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic”?

Well, I did as planned with the whole ‘one last purging cry’ to finish off all of the stress of the situation… for the next while, it was still a bit unsettling for me, but increasingly better every day that passed.

By the time I saw him again this week, I had truly let it all go out of the way – we had (at least, I had) and awesome time talking about this and that and being wonderful, somewhat silly people together… I got to have the friendship experience I truly want to have with wonderful people, especially wonderful men.

Eventually, I want to have a certain kind of awesome relationship with a my man in particular, but I want always to have these wonderful friendships with men otherwise – I think they are good for me and for the world.

And then, as I was considering today how it had gone so well with him this week, and I thought about the song again, I turned on the radio in the car for once… and would you guess what was playing on the station that came on?(!!!)

Yup.

“Ironic” by Alanis Morissette… and it was about five seconds before the exact line I’d been considering… talk about perfect timing.

I took it as a total sign of success on my part, that I’d done good. 😛

It was great. 😀

Post-a-day 2019

T-shirts

To this day, I remember Kristin L— in the bathroom at middle school, saying that the ideal roll for a t-shirt sleeve was two rolls up…

To this day, I still agree with her…

And I think of her just about every time I roll or consider rolling my t-shirt sleeves…

And, every time I think of her in this scenario, I have a fleeting moment of physical memory of my nervousness, my sense of not-quite-adequacy I always had around her… I envied her, and, at times, longed to be her (she, of course)… I watched her, observed her, taking in the lessons.

What did I love so much about her?

Well, she was somewhat popular, but it wasn’t so much that as the qualities and attributes that made her popular that had me longing most.

She danced.

I eventually became a world champion dancer (yes, I have an actual world title).

She did the French tuck with her t-shirts, and rolled the sleeves up twice, always looking fabulous.

I now do that when I feel like with my t-shirts (instead of being too scared of declared to be “copying”, and then not doing it st all).

She wore bras that looked feminine.

I eventually got there, but have found my own version of balancing feminine with natural and with comfortable.

She was confident in life (mostly, anyway… an air of general confidence, we’ll say).

I am comfortable in who I am, and am generally confident in myself and about life as a whole (though the rough bits get to me at times).

She had a Jeep destined to her, horses to visit, and a determined location for college.

I had lots of openness and no-idea-ness for my far future, and kind of still do…, but I embrace it as a dream board to collage nowadays… and I’ve been interning with horses, learning to care for and ride them, too…

All of this made her gorgeous in my eyes.

The comfortable self-confidence projects radiance from my own eyes, and I find myself staring at smiling me in the mirror on many of the good days, and even on some of the not-too-good ones… the rest of my accomplishments have little to do with the beauty I see and admire in myself.

Yet, there is still something about her that makes my insides feel clenchy and hollow and longing, whenever I think about her or her life at present… I still little girl style long to be more like her (she)… to be her (she)… even though I know I want to be myself… that little girl still longs for something unsatisfied in the relationship, it seems, and I’m not sure what it is…

Perhaps I could write her a letter, read it aloud, as though to her (but not actually to her), and then let it all go… perhaps that would handle it all for me.

Yes, I think I’ll give that a go next week (because I still have final papers for this week to do).

Wish me luck and freedom! 😀

Post-a-day 2019