friends – Page 24 – hannah ananas

Late-night calls

For the second night in a row, instead of going to bed when I was feeling like doing so, I ended up on the phone with a good friend of mine in and from Australia.

And, because it was early afternoon for him, he wasn’t in much of any hurry to get off the call…, so we talked for a good while.

However, both times we ended up spending some good, dedicated time to my playing around on the piano, singing songs for him (and for me) to enjoy. It was actually quite funny yesterday, because he was just on his way home from a tough day of work, end of the workweek, and had been thinking about a nap… so, once again, we came very close to his falling asleep while I sang to him. How adorable, right? Haha

Anyway, I love it, and I love this friend. As we discussed tonight, we both really would like for scientists to get their acts together around the world, and figure out this teleportation thing already. 😛 We miss seeing one another (and I don’t just mean because of the current state of affairs, but because of our being all the way around the world from one another$.

By the way, did you know that Australia is approximately 77% the size of the USA? I had absolutely no idea that Australia was that large – not a clue. And I have definitely looked at it on many a map and many a digital map… nonetheless, I was utterly unaware of this fact… approximately 7.6 million km squared to 9.8 million km squared. Crazy, right? But, yet, also not… also, they have a huge dessert in the middle, in which no one lives, so they don’t have as much habitable land, but still… Alaska has a bunch of uninhabitable land, too… hmm… I’ll have to check what the habitable land of each country is, because the population of Australia is ridiculously low for its land size.

Anyway, I’m exhausted… goodnight!

Post-a-day 2020

Perspective

Today, one of my best friends from college told me that, though it is a vague idea, she knows what kind of book she would want to read if I had written it. She told me that I am the only person she knows who lives for the journey, and not the destination. Most people plan out their lives based on where they want to be down the road…, But then, as she mentioned, I take a two-hour detour on a 14-hour drive, simply because I saw something that interested me…, And it doesn’t bother me one bit that it added so much time to the already long drive. She gave other examples, too, that illustrated her point quite well.

What stuck out the most for me, though, is that I have never considered my life with these words…, Yet they seemed absolutely true. In the past six months, I have been struggling with a regular question of whether I am living my life all wrongly, if I’m messing everything up by doing things the way I am doing them. And I see now: the whole reason I’ve been feeling that way lately, is because I have been comparing my life to everyone else’s lives… But that is like comparing bananas to chairs – they are not comparable, not in the least.

I am not playing the same game as everyone else, and when I compare where I am to where they are, I am certainly failing their game…, But, as I said, I am not playing their game.

Some might say that I take the road less traveled, but I really think that I often don’t take the road at all… I explore the detours, and end up somewhere completely unexpected.

(This point can be quite literally illustrated by a recent hike I took with a friend of mine… She wanted to stay on the main path, and I was curious as to what this possible detour path would show us… Where we ended up was spectacular, and completely unexpected… And then I found another semi-path back to the main road, way up ahead, while my friend went all the way back the way we had come…)

I’m beginning to think that this is a huge part of why, whenever I have been asked the question of where I see myself in five or ten or 15 or 50 years, I could never quite provide an answer… It’s not that my imagination isn’t great enough, but that I genuinely have no clue as to where I will end up and what I will be doing. I know the person I will be, I know that I will love and I will be loved. Beyond that, though, there’s a world of possibilities, and each one has an innumerable set of detours I might explore. It is likely that, in this moment, my wildest dreams couldn’t tell me where I will be in five or ten years… Or even in one…

When I considered jobs growing up and throughout college, and even now, I’ve always kind of had the feeling of, ‘Why pick one? Let’s give them all a try,’ though, without actually putting it into those words.

It’s funny to me how much sense this all makes, simply because of two sentences that a friend of mine said to me today… Let us remember that I words carry so much power – whether we realize it or not, whether we feel it or not, someone feels it more than we likely ever will know.

You know, for the first time in several months, I think I can breathe fully easily now… I was right that I am failing at this life…, But I had forgotten that that life was not the one I ever wanted to live…

Now, I am free to live my life…

And that is just about the most exciting thing I have ever considered or said… 😀

P.S. Early, early this morning, the world lost the physical presence of one of the greatest people I have ever known, and possibly ever will know… I haven’t talked about it with anyone, and I don’t want to yet – I’m not ready for that. However, I feel like she was with me today in this whole realization… She has been a huge part of almost every major moment in my life since I began college, and I swear she was here this evening. 🙂 I have a feeling she will continue to be here in my life.

Post-a-day 2020

Uncle bonding time

My uncle, when he showed up so late last night, expressed interest in watching my partially watched film, if I were okay with his doing so.

I allowed it, and chucked inwardly at the request.

It was “Pride and Prejudice”, and he wanted me to to give him the low-down on what had happened so far, and even asked me to share about the parts that I preferred in the book that he movie had changed… specifically, some of my favorite lines from the book.

Today, as I was leaving my grandparents’ house, he asked if I was planning to watch another movie tonight.

I told him that I likely would end up doing that.

What film?

Not sure yet.

Do you know around when you’ll want to watch it? Can I watch it with you?

Of course you can – just let me know when you’re heading back.

Okay. I want to make it back in time to watch it with you.

Just call.

And so, when he arrived after nine, I stuck with my selection, despite the late arrival time – I was in the mood.

What film was it, you ask?

“Twilight: New Moon” 😀

I told him right off the bat that tonight he had the privilege of watching a cheesy high schooler movie, filled with awkward acting and likely bad directing.

I’m not sure he fully believed me.

At the end, of course, he understood completely, and even shared in a few of the most popular jokes about the films.

I told him that the main benefit, behind silly entertainment, of his having watched the film was that he was now in the know on a piece of very popular pop culture. 😛

He chuckled about it, and then we moved on to talking about Duolingo and Sachertorte…, as is our typical kind of tangential conversation.

P.S. I still love the absurd scene where Taylor Lautner swoops off his shirt like it is nothing… thanks for doing that for the world, man. We all appreciate it, even over a decade later. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

The Dick Pic

Women just about everywhere hate them, yet single women just about everywhere with digital means of communication cannot escape them…

They are The Dick Pics.

Why do men seem to want to send them to us women?

After much contemplation and casual discussion, a girlfriend of mine and I hit something that made a lot of sense: Guys would love to receive the reciprocal from a woman, and so they somehow believe that 1)women will appreciate their offering theirs free of charge or request, and 2)it will be a way for them to receive the response photo from the women receiving their photo.

It makes sense.

Except for the fact that women don’t typically like the dick pics… like at all…., and they openly say so to the public.

Yet men keep doing it.

It is even illegal in some places now, to provide an unsolicited photo of one’s penis.

I have never received a dick pic, actually.

But I’m not on dating sites, for one thing.

And I also wouldn’t be interested in dating anyone who might consider a dick pic to be a possibility period, let alone a good idea.

So, while a small part of me feels like I am missing out by having not ever received one of these photos, a much greater part of me is grateful for not having to have that in my life.

If and when I have a partner in my life, I can see all the up-close and personal genitalia I want – until that time, no photos, please… and thank you.

Tonight, I could have remedied this small situation of minor FOMO*, as a distant friend of mine reached out, telling me that he was in the mood, and could he send me a photo?

That wasn’t the typical request regarding photos… usually they ask for a photo of us…, so, I asked what he meant, and he replied:

🍆📷?

I’m in the mood

A long messaging conversation ensued, in the middle of which, I reached out to a close male friend of mine for guidance as to how to handle the situation.

Apparently, this guy just likes sharing himself with women who enjoy seeing him (specifically his genitalia) – he gets a rise out of it.

And he admits this openly and fully.

And, while I adamantly denied the dick pic request, I thanked him for his frankness and for his asking me for permission – the two are rare, and they were much appreciated.

He said he didn’t understand why a guy ever would send such a photo unsolicited and without permission, and was surprised at the idea that they nonetheless do it often.

Whatever the case, we ended up messaging about other things, once it was fully settled that I did not want what he had to offer to me tonight, and it was actually really, really cool.

I actually feel like we have more of a friendship now, because of it… and especially because of our openness and honesty with one another.

At any given moment, I could have gotten all offended.

But I didn’t… I have him space to be himself, and accepted his honesty… as I said to myself earlier, he was genuinely just asking for help.

Just because it was not a common request or one with which I was very comfortable did not mean that I needed to freak out or grow angry or grossed out with him.

It was rather refreshing, then, dealing with pure honesty in such a situation.

It was like the opposite of an affirmative yes, and in the best of ways… an affirmative no, in a way.

So, I still have no dick pic, and I am totally happy with that… totally…

And I am also grateful for the upfront honesty and no-nonsense of this guy tonight – it was awesome. 🙂

*For those who are not aware, it means Fear Of Missing Out.

Post-a-day 2020

Only the best

Daveed Diggs makes my heart go kaboom, jumping up and down, spinning around in a chest explosion of dancing to a quick, funky beat…

He makes my throat feel jittery, and my spine prickle with total joy, and excitement.

He makes my entire being smile with pure delight.

And, when he smiles, I might as well be melting to the floor…

And – and this is a bit and – I could hardly say that I even know the guy – I’ve never met him, and I only know about him, really, rather than knowing him, himself.

And yeah, I don’t really see logically that anything ever would develop between us, for many, many reasons, which I have accepted rather easily (again, recall that we do not know one another, anyway.

However, what has struck me as extremely important about his presence in my life?

The fact that, if he sparks such emotions and physical response as no one in my actual life has ever struck for me, then I very clearly have not yet met the right men, the right man… anyone I have crossed so far has come nowhere near arousing such excitement and true joy within me (along with such a cool and comfortable calmness that he carries casually to me)… so, no wonder nothing has ever come of any of those interactions, relationships.

If it had, it could only have been settling, on my part.

And so, Daveed Diggs, in all his masterful and joyful and humble and gorgeous glory, reminds me, just by being himself, that 1)I must be always myself, 2)that is exactly how I will find the perfect partner in life for me, and 3)I must remember never to settle, and always to stand for the greatest and purest form of delight, joy, and utter love within me, when it comes to my relationship with a partner in my life.

Daveed Diggs, you are a beast, I love you in gratitude for all you are and all you share with the world, and I am extremely grateful for the inspiration and reminder you have provided me specifically in my life. 🙂

Thank you. ❤

P.S. Spectacular name, man! ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Bedtime chats

My head hurts, my upper neck is aching, my mouth is somewhat dry, and I can barely hold my body up and keep my eyes open…, yet I am extremely satisfied.

I somewhat spontaneously called a friend of mine who lives in Australia, and we had a lovely nonsense hangout chat while he grocery shopped (until his phone battery practically died).

Turns out that he hasn’t been doing a great job on managing his physical fitness this past year-ish, and so we might just have become check-in buddies for one another’s fitness.

While I am still super fit, technically, I haven’t been working out lately, and I really want to get myself back into it.

Having someone else work together with me, in a way, could be a wonderful step for this for me.

I was just thinking today and yesterday how I missed having a gym buddy, and how I kind of wanted a new one somehow…, and, perhaps, here one might be.

And, as he said, it also would be helpful for us in terms of putting us in regular, frequent contact again.

Long-distance friendships take effort, but they especially require both parties to be at least somewhat aware of the time difference… when only one friend knows the time difference, it adds for lots of confusion and little actual talking. 😛

So, anyway, we might have weekly check-ins with one another now regarding fitness…, and I think it might be just what I need and want right now.

That and sleep….

Goodnight!

Post-a-day 2020

He doesn’t drink, but…

I think I much would prefer to sue the phrase myself, and to have it go, “He doesn’t drink, and…,” instead.

…it’s fine by me.

…I don’t either.

…so what?

…I hardly even notice.

…I appreciate it.

…it really isn’t what matters most about him – there’s so much more than even bothering mentioning that he doesn’t drink.

So, yeah… perhaps he drinks and perhaps he doesn’t…, but I think I’m really liking this idea of his not being interested in drinking… I never expected that I would be in such a boat myself…, and I am beginning to see that we would do well together, if we both happened to be on the same boat….

You know what I mean?

Post-a-day 2020

Mental health and everyday love

Let’s talk briefly about a mental health oddity slash ironic circle of annoyance.

When I am struggling mentally, and I really just need some regular love from people, I start to reach out to people.

Say that I tell them that I am struggling, and could really use some love right now.

So, they start checking in, asking how I’m doing, and telling me they care about me…

Which is completely annoying and stressful, because 1) I only wanted some regular interaction and friendship love – nothing special or over-the-top emotional – and 2) it only reminds me of the fact that they weren’t interacting with me on the first place, showing me the regular love I so needed.

You see, when I feel the need to reach out for love, it usually doesn’t work to reach out… it, instead, only emphasizes the stress I was already feeling in my experience of being alone and unloved…, the experience that had me want to reach out for help.

And so, instead of asking for help when I am in need, I have, in a way, to trick people into interacting with me.

I’m not looking for any words of, ‘Hannah, you’re amazing,’ or anything of the sort… I’m just looking for those everyday expressions of love that we share with the people in our lives… the people with whom we interact on a regular basis… the kinds of relationships I tend not to find for myself very easily in adult life…

People just don’t with me… they don’t call me just to say hi, they don’t call me first for things, and they typically don’t reach out period… I am the one who reaches out, almost always in my life.

The only person who always checks in regularly with me is my mother.

I had one friend in town who did it, but she’s moved away now, so our lives don’t have our everyday hangout part anymore…, but I don’t blame anyone for that – we just don’t live in the same state anymore.

That one friend and my mom aside, though, I am the one who reaches out almost every single time in any relationship I have, friend or family.

And sometimes, it gets to me… when a whole bunch of other stuff kind of piles on top of one another all at once, the loneliness can hit me really hard… and I know that I need help…, yet asking for help in that case kind of defeats the whole purpose of asking for the help in the first place… thus the annoying circle of downward-spiraling irony…

Whenever someone calls attention to my need for love, be it be staying it directly or by saying how they wondered if I’m okay or if I needed anything, it just makes the whole things worse for me… it’s one area where talking about it doesn’t help, and actually makes things worse for me… it draws out my experience of being pathetic and unloved… it is embarrassing that I have to ask for signs of being loved…

So, I sometimes wonder if there’s a way to ask for help that says, ‘Hey, I need some love, but pretend I didn’t tell you this – pretend you just felt like talking with me, and so reached out to chat about nothing in particular…’

Does that all make sense?

Anyway, so that’s where I am tonight.

I could really use some love… love unsought, but nonetheless much needed.

Post-a-day 2020

Dancing and Dejection

I watched the 2011 version of “Footloose” tonight. I had seen it before, but I wanted to watch it again. Part of it was simply because I like the fun of the film, but I think a part of it was because I have been missing dancing so much in recent months. I had just determined to go out dancing, when the whole beginnings of the shutdowns were happening – I had even told people that I was excited about going dancing that weekend… I was quite bummed when it didn’t get to happen. Sure, I was excited that it meant I got to hang around the guy I liked longer, since the dancing wasn’t happening anymore…, but I was still bummed about the dancing’s being canceled… Besides, dancing is still part of my life, and it likely will be so for many, many years to come…, and the guy isn’t exactly on the road to be part of it, almost at all… so, anyway…

haha

It’s so funny to me how things can change rather easily, when circumstances change – we kind of just accept what changes and roll with it, as needed. But, when we want to have change, it always seems so difficult to make the change happen ourselves… even if it is changing something about ourselves, and it is something we truly want, it often seems to be difficult to make happen… but, throw in some crazy event, like a natural disaster, and we willingly and easily adjust to a totally different way of doing the daily… I’ve seen it so many times with hurricanes in my life so far, yet so few times with self-inflicted changed… because it always seems to be an inflicted change, not something truly wanted, even if we do want it.

Anyway…, I’m kind of rambling here, so I’ll let it go for the night, I think.

No, one last thing:

In college, my third year, I attended regularly events hosted by this one particular fraternity. I was not part of any Greek Life groups, but I went to things hosted by this particular fraternity because of what the activities were – they were things that actually interested me, like pick-up sports games and other silly stuff. I had been invited by people in the fraternity, so I had not barged in nor forced my way in to the activities. I had begun to build relationships with various members of the fraternity… I even considered, long and hard, how I rather likely would have joined the fraternity, had I only been male and not female. That was how much I enjoyed the activities and the company and the environment as a whole.

One day, though, I was told by a member, in private, that I kind of needed to stay away some – it was inappropriate that I was participating in so much. Now, these were open activities – open to all students. But, they were only so on paper. They were actually for recruiting purposes. The fraternity doesn’t recruit females, so they didn’t want girls hanging around who weren’t the little sisters of the fraternity. ***As a note here, the only little sisters they had were from a particular sorority, and almost none of them were even interested in these activities, let alone athletically inclined… only the occasional little sister showed up, and never for long, and she never played any of the sports.

I was heartbroken and embarrassed. I had been so cautious and careful, always verifying that I was allowed and invited by a fraternity member to each event and activity I attended. And yet I still was told that I shouldn’t have been there, and that it was inappropriate that I had attended so much. What else could I have done? I did everything I could to follow rules and all of Greek Life, yet it did me no good.

Suddenly, I had no interest in being part of the fraternity, even in the imaginary life where I am a male instead of a female.

I don’t remember what exactly happened after that conversation – that oh-so-miserable conversation – but I think it was actually the same day that the next conversation happened…

You see, I think there was some event happening that evening, and I was supposed to attend it – several guys were expecting me and had personally invited or reminded me of it. I think I was a puffy-eyed crumple near one of the quadrangles on campus, when a couple guys from the fraternity came across me. They tried to figure out what was wrong with me, and encouraged me to come along with them to the event (to which they were at that time headed). I explained – with struggle – the conversation I had had, the one in which I was told, essentially, to stay away from the fraternity for a while.

Frankly, they were appalled. I don’t remember their words exactly, but I remember how they worked to convince me that the person who had spoken privately to me had been out of line – I had, in fact, done everything appropriately. I had always been invited, they reminded me – I was wanted at the activities I attended. And one guy’s opinion was not the opinion of everyone else. I loved them for their words…, but I think I didn’t entirely trust the fraternity again after that… I just remember feeling so shaky, inside and out. My world had been shaken. I had followed the rules, and I had still been hit with an earthquake, and slightly shattered from it. These two guys were super sweet to me, but the hurt was never erased. I think that’s because I believed it, what the first guy had said to me. Yes, there were some guys who wanted me, but I fully believed that several were of the same belief of the one guy… and they didn’t want me around. And why didn’t they want me around? I was neither a guy nor a member of their unofficially linked sorority. Because I didn’t have the labels, I wasn’t good enough for them.

I think I established for myself that I was done with Greek Life after that. I had never liked it much in the first place, but now I had reason to dislike it… and I did. The whole point of Greek Life was to bring people together (originally as drinking societies, but we won’t get into that right now)… and they had pointedly excluded me… me, a person who fit in beautifully to their events and activities, to their conversations and general atmosphere as a group… I had secretly hoped that I could become a little sister with them…, but they inevitably picked some girls who couldn’t have cared less about what the fraternity actually did, yet belonged to the right sorority and were besties with the current little sisters.

Anyway, that sucked… and I think I haven’t ever talked about that with anyone, aside from the two guys who tried to convince me that the one guy was being an a**hole, and that they really did want me around. I think it’s always been easier for me to believe that people want me not around than that they want me around. So, this event didn’t exactly help me get over that.

Ugh…. big sigh just now…

Okay, that’s all I care to say about all of that… I think I’m okay with leaving it all there and being done with it for now. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Who I am

I am back home now (from my most recent traveling adventures to pursue and be with love and nature), and I am experiencing that odd yet familiar feeling I get whenever I live elsewhere and then come back to Houston… the one where it feels like all that time I spent away didn’t actually happen, and that that much time has my actually passed since I was last here… and that I, therefore, must not have changed in any way…

And, for a brief period of rising intensity of panic, I begin to wonder if I will go back to the person I was before I left, and my time and experiences elsewhere really will be erased from my life.

Then, somehow, I come to, and I take a stand for myself and how proud I am first to have accomplished all that I accomplished and second to be the person I am now.

There is stuff I do not like about being here in particular, and the concerns of ‘going back to how things were’ are real for me right now… I do not want to do that.

And so, I must and I will stand for myself and my goals and dreams in this life, and I will let these baller things sprout and flower in these coming days and weeks and months… and I can hardly wait for this garden I will have produced in the not-so-distant future in my life and in the world around me.

World, here we come. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020