Tag: future

Back in the day, just now

Anyone else out there ever find yourself contemplating men like you’re back in the 1800s, preparing for marriage?

I haven’t even gone on a date with any guys, yet my brain has been evaluating the pros and cons of each as though we are considering not only a date but a brief courtship followed by marriage and likely many children.

Yes, the first is very handsome, but it really would be a true delight to have someone who so dearly values, appreciates, and wants you, as does the second. He would dote on you so, and that would be lovely.

Or would it become annoying, since you do not share his same affections?

Would he be hurt that you do not and cannot see him as he sees you? Or would he be all too honored to offer his high pay and devotion to you for the rest of your days without a doubt? Likely the latter.

But would you be willing to accept such a relationship, and give up the possibility of marrying for mutual love and devotion? Give up your freedom for such security without intense love? Perhaps love can develop over time – it is difficult to resist someone who longs for you so. But you would not know until you are much further down the line. At which point, it may be too late to turn away…, especially after all he has given you, and all you have encouraged his efforts…

But, as Miss Charlotte Lucas said, it is better for a husband and wife to know nothing of each other at all at the time of their marriage, and to spend the rest of their lives getting to know one another and falling in love at our leisure…

And then, on another hand, something more like this gentleman would be wonderful for genes to pass on to your offspring – you would make a fine pair in that sense. And you would look lovely standing together. That other gentleman ought not to be considered, when it comes to genes one wants to pass on to one’s children…

These are real thoughts that I notice passing through my mind on any given day. And I don’t even necessarily use them for any actual decisions in anything. But I can’t deny their accuracy. It would be nice to be with someone who practically fawns over me, and wants nothing more than to take care of me as best as possible. But could I ever marry for logic over love? I think not. It would have to be logic and love.

And, of course, this all seems utterly ridiculous, because, well, I haven’t even been on a single date with anyone, yet these are the thoughts going through my mind. It really is as though I am in the 1800s and a date is a very likely forward step toward marriage.

Perhaps I really do view it that way, thus my aversion(?) to dating in general. I don’t want to date someone if I am unwilling, even in the slightest way, to consider a significant partnership together in the future (e.g. marriage). Or, rather, if I just can’t see it (not that I am unwilling to consider it, but that I consider it and come up with nothing of value). So, I’m not averse to dating, but I won’t go on a date without valid reason. And ‘to have fun’ or ‘to see what I like and dislike’ are not valid reasons for me. I do those all the time, and I don’t need a date for them to happen.

Nonetheless, this all reminds me of what Mr. Darcy had to say in chapter six, once he admitted to enjoying such fine eyes on a certain woman’s face, and Miss Bingley asked him when she was to wish him joy.

“That is exactly the question which I expected you to ask. A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment. I knew you would be wishing me joy.”

I am certainly that woman, in a way…

Anyway… just my thoughts of the week. ;P

Post-a-day 2021

^I’m almost going in reverse here – I nearly missed it again!

Roller coaster?

Man, has today been a lot, emotionally.

A lot.

No reply for an even longer while from that guy. But I’m okay about it.

I waited to go to the gym later today, and it ended up closing for the week (because of risk of COVID exposure). I actually cried in intense frustration and floundering at that news.

The store I drove almost half an hour to visit didn’t have all the supplies I was there to get. I stressed briefly, and then figured out how to make do for now, before rushing out the door to make that workout class that ended up being canceled by the time I got to it.

The class was canceled, and I hadn’t known it, so I’d made a point to rush away from potential other, better solutions to the missing items dilemma at the store beforehand. I determined to go home and do the workout.

I went home and did the workout. It was awesome, in such an I am struggling to breathe and stay upright right now kind of way, it was quite comparable to workouts at the actual gym. So, that felt really good on my mind.

The protein powder that is super good for me turned out to be almost overwhelmingly gross. Determined that I might just need to hold off on getting a big bag of that for now. And I’m okay about that, but bummed a bit.

Some clothes I had ordered came in. I was delighted.

I reached out to two different people who were on my mind, just to check in, and their responses were awesome.

Discovered that the person who had been working really hard to secure a more permanent part-time position at my part-time job was 90% likely denied that. This was the last time I will work with (and potentially see) that person, and the person seemed very down (this my belief that the aim failed). I was down about it for the person.

One of those people to whom I had reached out actually walked right up to me without even realizing it until we were face-to-face. Neither of us had expected we would see the other where we were, especially since we hadn’t seen one another since last March. The person said, “Things don’t happen on accident.” I agreed. I was super excited; overjoyed, even, at the timing of it all!

Found out later on that a different person who had been working with us as a temporary part-time worker was not only offered the opportunity to stay with us, but was offered to work full-time – that means insurance and benefits, plus other perquisites, mind you. I never felt like this person was one of our best workers. I felt very weird about it all.

And then I felt super jealous that that person had been offered to work full-time, but that I hadn’t been.

And then I was utterly annoyed, because I didn’t even want to work full-time there in the first place, and I had communicated that from the start. Yet, here I was, being jealous all the same.

By the time I finished my grocery shopping at Costco and had picked up a dry foods delivery from an Amazon locker, I was ready to cry with all the craziness today carried for me emotionally.

I mentioned it to my mom, and she reminded me that 1) a lot is going on in the world right now, especially energetically, and that 2) I can let other people have their emotions without taking them on for myself.

So, now I’m preparing for bed. I am very, very drained. So much up and down in one day – and high amplitudes at that – really seems to take it out of me. I guess I could use some more meditation throughout my days… :/

I think I will sleep very well tonight. I still am uncertain about the gym, but I will focus on where I am now, and not on next week and next month and all of their uncertainty, or on today or last week or last year and all of their emotions. I have a plan to guide me once I get up tomorrow, based on my goals and intentions in life right now, and I can trust that my tomorrow self will manage all of that. For now, I just am being with me, here and now, preparing for bed and rest.

Therefore, I bid you a lovely and restful night. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

^I totally almost missed it…

Music and love

I shared tonight the song I wrote this week. I had in my head that it needed to be touched up somehow, but it turned out to be perfect for me as it was already. I just had to play it all together at once, when my un-callused fingers had rested and could handle playing again. 😛

But I really like the song. And it is in a different way from most of the others. This song is about heartbreak on a human level, and a heartbreak that we all share at some point in life: the heartbreak others don’t see in our lives, the hidden heartbreak.

My heart is aching like it’s breaking

And not only just for me.

How many hearts are the same today

For the things we just don’t see?

Thus goes the chorus. And how utterly true it is.

However, I believe that, though life can be terribly difficult and painful at times, when we operate on a foundation of love, and we make love our aim, our every breath, our life, life is beyond worth it all. I am grateful for this life and for all the love I find and am able to produce and experience within it.

Gratitude, Universe ❤

P.S. Tonight at 21:21:21,

It was the 21st second

Of the 21st minute

Of the 21st hour

Of the 21st day

Of the 21st year

Of the 21st century

Rather baller, huh? 😉

Post-a-day 2021

Marriage and Dating

I find myself yet again thinking on the idea of exclusivity in a dating (or marital) relationship. We say we want an exclusive relationship. But what does that truly mean?

If we have a problem, we go only to one another?

If that is the case, then why would we not want to seek a doctor for medical advice, or a teacher on a specific topic on which we may seek knowledge. Our partner is not necessarily the one who will have the answers we need, and likely doesn’t not expect us to rely on him or her for things outside of his or her own specialties.

What about that, when we have special news, we go first to one another?

Well, what happens to the best friends and sisters and mothers and brothers in this case? They have held such roles for most of our lives, oftentimes. Are they suddenly replaced by this partner’s having come around? Or, at any rate, have they lost their places as our confidantes in life? We do not expect them to do that, I believe. It is more that the partner joins the ranks of such individuals for us.

These are merely two examples of my thoughts on this matter. Their having been said, I move to my great point of concern.

Is it more so a matter of sexual exclusivity that we seek, when we declare a desire for an exclusive relationship?

That thought has been bugging me for quite some time now…

I want to deny it, but I cannot do so effectively yet. And I’m not sure if I ever will be able to do so.

I know that I want to be, in a way, mentally ever-present for my partner, and I want the reverse so, too. I want to be sexually exclusive with one another, and because we both want that specifically – not because we are restraining ourselves in some way from acting on desires with others. I want us to trust and to love and to want to be with one another in all ways, and for us to be okay whenever we are apart – we are so confident in one another’s love and support. We will be always there for one another, and we will speak honestly and openly with one another.

And I don’t want to be in any other kind of relationship with a potential partner, even at the very beginning.

Post-a-day 2021

^!!

Apps, again

You know, I sent him another message in our conversation a couple days ago, and he still hasn’t responded. We usually each send something every day or day and a half. And it has been longer than that, by at least double now.

And, you know what?

I’m completely okay about it. I keep revisiting the situation in my head, wondering if I really am okay, or if I’m secretly obsessive and borderline about to break down an swear off dating apps from anger and frustration of rejection and how crap guys can be. But it is the same every time: I’m genuinely okay that he didn’t respond. Sure, I would love a response from him. But I only want one if it is for the better. If it isn’t, I don’t want a reply from him. And, at the very least, this is a very good experience for me to evaluate and improve upon how I handle such a situation. (So far, I am grateful and proud of myself of being so comfortable in who and how I am that I am comfortable, whether this guy responds ever again or not.)

So, yeah… that’s some surprisingly delightful news for my life these past couple days or so. Totally cool, but also totally odd circumstances for finding something to be cool and delightful. 😛

Post-a-day 2021

^I was thinking about it ahead of time!

A Musical Goodnight

Okay. So, that second song seems to be created now. I likely will make tiny tweaks as I prepare to record it for real – well, more for real – but I like it as it is, and I am very happy with it. I need to go back and listen to another song I did, so I can make sure they don’t sound too similar. At least not unnecessarily similar. I’m fine that they be similar as single-instrument and voice songs – I only know about two strumming patterns after all, and both of these songs are slow songs, so variation is minimal on the instrumental front. However, I want them to be two exclusive songs. So, I need to do a touch of checking and editing on singing notes and phrases.

After that, though, I will upgrade from my casual, ‘Just get it all down,’ recording on my phone to a more official recording of how the song really goes, all the way through.

For now, I shall rest briefly and, hopefully, quite well before the early morning workout that is to come in only a few hours.

Goodnight for now, World. Hasta la dark before sunrise, baby. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

^Baller

Music life

I am beginning to see how easy it is to write songs, to create songs. It already seemed doable to me before now, but it has become abundantly clear to me that it is all even easier than expected.

And, I suppose, that is what really is so hard about writing songs. Because it is so easy to start writing them, it is easy to lose track, get distracted, and never finish one. Loads of starts and parts, but very few full, finished songs ever seem to appear.

I guess that is a warning, a reminder, and an encouragement for me. Beware of doing only starts and not actually taking the time and effort to focus on creating a full song in the mix. Remember that it is easy and that you can and want to take the time and make the effort for starts and full songs both. You have done the tremendous effort of completing full and real songs already – you can do it again as many times as you wish.

That being said, I have two songs that are sprouting. One is almost ready to be written beyond just a chorus, and the other began today, budding out with its main idea in the first verse and chorus. (Psst: I’m actually really excited about the latter song.) It feels like the second one will happen before the first, and that’s completely okay with and for me. It isn’t quite yet time for the first, and I know it. It is more a birthday song this year, so it likely won’t be ready until closer to then for me. 😛

Post-a-day 2021

^Whew! I caught myself as I was in the middle of writing the year! No mis-types. Just perfect timing of remembering! 😛

Another some days

Some days, we have high plans, but then end up sleeping most of the day. And that’s totally okay. It is important that we allow our bodies to rest when they need the rest. Aside from all the general rejuvenation that sleep gives us, it is also the time that our muscles repair and build and that our outgoing fat gets released. So, sleep is even better than we imagined!

That being said, I accomplished minor but important tasks today, and I did not accomplish several intended tasks for the day. And that is perfect and okay. I am now going to bed rather early, and that, too, is perfect and okay.

Thank you, World, for this beautiful day and life. I look forward with gratitude to whomever and whatever it is that may come still. 🤗🙏🐪

Post-a-day 2021

^Remembered again partway through!

The hard conversations

I talked openly about sexual abuse with someone yesterday. And about body parts. And sexual intercourse.

There was no anger or wrong-making or freaking out. We just talked. Questions were asked and answered calmly, honestly, and genuinely. And the conversation eventually comfortably and naturally moved onward into something else.

And nothing was weird. And we both gained an unexpected degree of value from the conversation.

And wouldn’t the world be a better place, if we could have informative, open, and safe conversations about more of these traditionally taboo and sensitive topics?

My world certainly has improved since they have become part of my everyday life. It was really, really scary at first, and difficult. And awkward and uncomfortable. Now, though, it has become quite normal and easy. And I am grateful for that every time such an opportunity and conversation arise.

Post-a-day 2021

^Right in the middle of typing it, I caught myself, and so got it right 😛

Ready or not

My whole body seems to be hurting – well, all the muscles on the outer layers, anyway – right now, it is almost 11 o’clock, and yet I am getting up at 4:20am to attend the 5:15 workout class in the morning. And I have several activities scheduled with others throughout most of the day tomorrow. I likely will be very tired and sleepy by the end of it all.

So, why I am sticking to all of it, instead of rearranging or rescheduling anything? Because tomorrow is one version of an ideal day for me. I will be doing things that nourish me, that nourish others, that I love doing, and that also happen to earn quality money to support me in this life.

And I am not only super excited about it – I am terrified. It’s that good. 🙂

So, cheers to a restful and empowering sleep for me tonight, and for anyone else who needs it tonight: may we have our dreams come to fruition, as we become our true selves more and more every day. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

^ Whoop! Had to think about it, but I got it right!