Tag: love

Today’s date

I went on a date today. And I knew about it. I even partly (slash mostly) asked him out. It was very cool and super serendipitous and all.

I had met him at the gym, actually – perfect place, in my opinion! – but had a weird feeling a couple days ago that I was going to find him on this dating app I had (but wasn’t exactly using anymore). The likelihood stood out clearly to me, mathematically speaking, of course. However, I have been working on slowing such feelings to guide me. And so, I gave it, perhaps, a minute of my time one day, and about thirty seconds the next. This morning, when I thought about it – and it was for a while that I considered it – it felt that either it was going to happen today or not at all. That was it. And so, I was nervous to look on the app, and, therefore, just thought about it a good long while. Finally, though, when my official activities for the day had all ended, and earlier than had been scheduled, I said it, “Either it is going to happen now or not at all.”

I opened the application. Swipe once to deny. Swipe twice. Swipe thrice.

And there he was.

Staring back at me from a photo I had just the other day seen was that guy from the gym. (I had seen his Instagram, but had only minimally perused, as I was finding that I might genuinely be interested in pursuing some sort of relationship with this guy.)

I yelled out loud. “I knew it!” I declared on repeat a few times. I had been lying on my belly on the floor, and had almost immediately dropped my phone and began rolling around and banging my feet on the floor in childlike delight.

“Aaaaah! I knew it! Yay! Thank you! Aaah!”

Once I got that out of my system, I took some action. I took a screenshot of his profile, and asked him in an Instagram direct message if he was ready (after text-shouting his name at him, and he had replied in kind). It suddenly occurred to me that I might Lose the profile, by leaving the app for too long. So, I quickly returned and swiped right. No matter what happened, it was fun to do so, and everything would be fine, even if he totally denied me. And, if he didn’t, all the better.

I switched back over to the Instagram messages and waited mere seconds before he replied, “Yes.” It seemed an odd response to my semi-surprise-attack and just asking if he was ready. Ready for what? He had no idea. Did he? No. It had only been thirty seconds since I’d swiped his profile.

I sent him the screenshot.

Within another thirty seconds, he replied.

Haha. I saw that.

Check it.

I’m sorry… what???

It took me a moment to realize that he wasn’t just saying a confirmation statement, like Word or, though I very much dislike it, Bet. He actually meant for me to check the app, the dating app.

I had received no notification, not even within the app. But, sure enough, when I clicked on the ‘matches’ section, his face was up there, matched.

And then, a couple hours later, we were together, talking and walking and sitting in the park, enjoying the amazing weather and one another’s company.

I had a really great time with him.

Near the end, I found myself stressing a bit. I don’t date. And I don’t do uncertainty very well. And I have a tendency to believe that others do not like me, and regularly dislike me. But, assuming we do do it again, as he said he wanted to do (and he confirmed that he meant it), I just need to get clear on all of that for myself ahead of time. My experiences of the past need not have influence over this opportunity facing me now. This man – this very sweet, slightly dorky, comfortable man – is not any of those people who have rejected me in the past, be it as a friend or as a romantic partner. He is his own person, and the relationship that he has with me and that I have with him is unique and free from any past rejection I have experienced from others.

Yeah… 🙂

How odd a day, though… I start out the morning mentioning to my dad that I was abused in college, and how it had affected my personal physical fitness until recently, and then I end up on a date that goes well past my usual bedtime. I emphasized to my dad that I truly am okay and that I am doing very well and am free from that abuse now, and he got it, he heard me. But I saw the hurt in his eyes for his daughter, the pain he only then was experiencing for something long-past, and also the relief that it all was completed and resolved for me and my life – that I was hurting no longer from it all.

We had a really great breakfast together, and that was only a small part of it.

Anyway, went a bit tangential there… back to focus!

I started the day there, had a midday rejection from someone whom I had wanted to be my friend – and it was a weird rejection, too; my mom agreed with me on that… it was so odd. But we both agreed that life takes care of us, and that rejection happened because that person is not someone who needs to be in my life right now. After that, I called to find out if someone important to me was, in fact, being held at a certain detention facility (he was not, as it turns out). Never done that before, but now I have. Had a video call to go over a Spanish cheat-sheet thing I developed for my part-time job’s employees who do not speak Spanish but sometimes need to interact with guests who speak Spanish (and the meeting went awesomely). Then picked up a key for some spontaneous house-sitting I’m doing tomorrow. Then, as I sat down to do whatever delights arose next, I said my statement about the now or never, and found the gym guy, and ended up on a date shortly thereafter.

It was a crazy and awesome day, really.

My one genuine concern about the guy, though, is that I noticed today how desperately starved for physical touch I am, and I worry that could get in the way, and possibly cloud my judgement. Plus, it could make me get all weird. What it feels I want more than anything right now is just to be held. And hard. I just want to be pressed against a warm body and held tightly, firmly, lovingly, with care. My whole being wants that.

And I don’t want that to have me express misplaced interest in this guy. So, I don’t know that I am fully interested in him, or if his interest in me has my skin aching more than ever to be held and touched. (And I don’t even mean this sexually. My brain cannot even get there, it has been so focused on that my body might have found someone to hold it.)

That being said, I don’t like most people touching me, really, especially not so intimately as holding me would be. So, I feel like that alone speaks volumes to my potential interest in this guy as a companion/partner. Plus – and this is not to be mean or superficial, but merely to state what’s so – he is not super physically fit, and he is not too near the bodies that typically attract me. My attraction to this guy truly was all about him and who he is as a person, fitness and sexiness aside. Sure, if he sticks it out at our gym, he will be extremely fit and ultra sexy in that fitness. But, for the moment, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him, in some way or other, since he first smiled at me. I don’t have that feral desire to rip his clothes off. I just want to be near him, with him, held by him. I want to talk and snuggle and take a nap with him…

I want to push him over when I walk past him at the gym, and he’s about to pick up a barbell. (I joked the other day about how I had had a sudden urge to do that to him when I’d passed by, and he had said that I should have done it.)

(Also, I’m ovulating right now. Only the truly great ones pass that test… just something to keep in mind.)

He held my hand briefly tonight. I don’t know why it was only briefly. Possibly because I spoke my mind about noticing how starved I was for physical touch from this past year, and that I felt like I might cry, it felt so wonderful to have some. Possibly because our hands were starting to sweat, and I had already talked about my distaste for dirty whenever I am clean. I’m hoping it was more the latter. Frankly, I was just thinking yesterday how one of the things I missed about dance was that I didn’t get to have the occasionally slightly-sweaty hand grips with certain people when dancing… that warmth and sweat today was perfect as far as I was concerned. It was just what I’d needed.

Anyway… that was a bit muddled, but I think it still communicated well enough. Mostly, I think I like this guy a lot as a person. My being seems to trust him so much, it wants to be near him, with him. We’ll see how my mind does. Hopefully, it can stay true to itself and not go nuts in panic or anything.

I usually ask permission to touch someone new in my life – physical boundaries are extremely important to me to respect. He was looking up a smoothie place on his phone, and I was looking on with him. I asked if I could touch him – yes, I had already explained that I am touchy and that the permission is important to me – and he told me I could. I leaned gently into his arm, and hooked mine around his. When I leaned my head fully against this shoulder a few moments later, he leaned his cheek down on top of my head. Call it as simple or as small as you like, but beauty and perfection and true joy are often found in the smallest of things. That moment was perfect and worth it all for me. No matter what comes, there was someone who actively held my hand, who actively leaned into me. And I am grateful for that.

Danke, danke, danke schön, mein Leib und mein Gott. ❤ Ich liebe dich so sehr, Welt.

Post-a-day 2021

^Questioned its accuracy after I typed it so easily😂

A year ago

A year ago today, I was still on the high that arose from the musical on which my mom had been working and with which I had been helping. It is a glorious musical, and it was brand new. Its opening night never even happened, as they had to cancel everything after the dress rehearsals. It was, nonetheless, a lovely show with wonderful music and some stellar cast members and voices. One in particular actually made me cry several times – and I have a hunch that it would do it again, if I were to hear it sing those certain songs today – and two others were absurdly lovely and inspirational. The show came to mind the other day, and I pulled out my music notes for it today, and I sat on my front porch swing, playing through and singing some of the songs… just like I was doing a year ago, possibly on this exact date.

And I didn’t even plan it.

Kind of cool, huh?

And simultaneously quite sad, considering it might as well be a year ago right now regarding the show. At least then, there were prospects of eventually having an opening night, possibly later in the year. Now, it seems far too uncertain as to whether the show even will happen again, and most certainly not with the same cast, and not necessarily even in Houston. Man…

Well, with that, I go to bed. Goodnight, folks. May we all have lovely nights to follow my lovely day. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

^Not too hard

Bravery, or Self-Expression and Self-Love?

Have you ever done something, and then thought afterward that you must have been so brave to have done it? And then, have you ever noticed that, since bravery and courage require action in the ace of fear, you had not actually been brave at all? You had had no fear, and thus had had no need for bravery. You merely acted comfortably and confidently from within yourself, truly and honestly so…, and so you saw no fear, had no fear to overcome. You were already above any possible fear simply by being yourself fully.

Golly, is that a spectacular feeling, especially after the fact, realizing that who I was was enough for me to be comfortable and at ease and confident in a situation in which I traditionally would have been afraid, and would have needed courage. It makes me wonder if, perhaps, instead of more courage in this world, we could really use some more self-knowing and genuine, love-filled self-expression…

That would be an interesting world, indeed. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

^Definitely had to focus

Today

I have hit a wall with my daily life. With the freeze and its nonsense, I only made it through the sorting part of the KonMari method. That was my true requirement goal by my birthday, so I did achieve that goal. However, I had intended and planned to finish tidying completely by March 12, and that did not happen.

Various factors contributed to that, and that is okay. I have allowed myself to be stopped by those factors, and that is the scariest part of it all. It calls into question whether I truly am ready for this, and ready for what comes out of this. And I think today helped me to see that all clearly for myself. The biggest thing is that I am scared. Just like how not exercising Saturday and Sunday makes it somehow extremely difficult to get myself back into the gym on Monday, having those days off leading up to my birthday made it extremely difficult for me to get back into all the work that awaited me back home. Add onto that that I also had to unpack everything from the week-long stay, and I had an overwhelming amount of work to do at home. And I let myself be overwhelmed by and stopped by it.

I am now back home after the March 12 weekend trip, and I am truly feeling the strain that could be my daily life going forward. I lost sight of my goals with the tidying. And I saw that today. I also saw how losing sight of the tidying goals had affected me in other areas of my life. I had been free and easy and interested in the online dating platform, but now it has been intensely stressful, and so I have mostly avoided it. I was comfortable on my own in a day before, and would take myself outside to walk or run, just so I could be outdoors for a while each day; now I am not doing any of that, and I feel a strain underneath everything every day. I mean, come on, I got myself a minor virus and a resulting butt rash – how can one possibly argue that I am not stressed?

And I haven’t even had a busy schedule lately. I even watched two whole series online. I don’t do that unless I’m miserable, by the way. One show, if it’s short, and I can do it in a single day or day and a half of exhaustion, sure. More than that, and you can bet that I am avoiding life somehow, either consciously or unconsciously. I spent an extra four days of time devoted to watching these shows – I was borderline depressive here, and definitely avoiding things.

Now, I’ve gone through another couple vacuums of the baking soda that is soaking up the petroleum-based oil from the oil heater that exploded by my bed (and all over a shelf). (Unfortunately, the dry-wet-vac started spewing baking soda all over part of my room on the last set, so I have a bit more of that still to clean up, and then I need to empty the vacuum tomorrow before using it again.) I will aim to get at least one more round done tomorrow, if not two. Hopefully, that will allow me to clean up the shelf tomorrow or the next day, and start using it soon. I need to wash the sheets and stuffed animals that got the oil all over them, and I would like to do that in the next couple days, or four at most.

I also cleaned out and put away today my large suitcase from the recent trip. I want to finish unpacking the remaining items, and to put away the smaller suitcase tomorrow. I have photos I am going to do tomorrow, probably for a few hours, but I want at least to get that done, because it is doable. The main thing I can’t do is finish sorting where to put what of my clothes and such right now, because an entire storage shelf is out of order, due to the oil spill. So, while I’m sill sorting out the oil spill stuff this week, I want to handle the smaller things that I can handle right now. And unpacking is one of those things. So is washing those sheets.

I pulled up the dreamboard I had made for my tidying process today, and it almost made me cry. It is so lovely and so much of what I want in my life. And I had gotten scared and stepped away from it. But I made myself look at it today, and that was a very good idea. It reminded me not only of exactly what I want, but how much I truly do want it.

So, giddy up, partner. You can do this, my love.

Post-a-day 2021

^Barely a pause, but a pause nonetheless

Saturday, in the bar(??)

Okay, so it seems to be as I had thought already: the rash on my bum etc. is very likely due to the bit of virus I have going on inside my body right now. Kind of like how people can get rashes with, say, scarlet fever, this is the body’s reaction to whatever is going on inside in the waging battle. That was already the source of whatever was going on with my arm and the rest of my muscles, their being extremely and unexplainable tight (pre-virus idea). (Seriously, though, stretches I do every night before bed, I was struggling to do at all, let alone to the degree that I do them almost every night – I was unexplainably tight all over my body.) At least, that’s how everything seems according to the holistic nutritionist (aka holistic doctor), whom I saw for a quick check-up this evening. I am to let him know if the rash worsens at all or does not go away in the next week. That alone, knowing that someone more knowledgeable it available and willing to help me, gives me much ease around this. The treatment he gave me, as well, has eased my mind and body immensely, too. And so, I believe I will sleep very, very well tonight. (Thank you, God.)

Separately, we had a social for my gym this afternoon at an outdoor bar between me and the gym. It was incredibly nice weather, and the company was lovely, and I truly enjoyed my time. I didn’t talk to loads of people, but I did circle a touch and interact with many. I did not hold myself back, and I also allowed myself to interact only where and when I actually wanted to interact with people. And it was awesome.

When I first arrived, a guy asked for and then scammed my driver license on a handheld device. He explained to me about the icehouse’s(?) being in a dry part of town (that’s normal, by the way), and do it required a free membership in order to buy alcohol. I declined the membership, and told him that I don’t drink, and so don’t need it. He seemed extremely doubtful, and, though he said ‘okay,’ he proceeded to inform me that I would not be allowed to buy a drink, if I went to the bar and tried to get one.

…….

Uh, okay….? I don’t drink alcohol… my non-drinking is not going to disappear in thirty minutes or something… it’s kind of a standard by which I live every day of my life….

It had me wonder how many idiot college kids he got in there who tried not to have the membership and then buy alcoholic beverages after entering. Super facepalm…

Later, it had me thinking about AA-type people who don’t drink for intense reasons, but then I recalled that those people would be rather unlikely to be visiting a bar in the jest place. But then, here was I, one who dislikes bars and doesn’t drink alcohol (or probably anything else they would serve), walking into this outdoor bar for my gym social. I was there for the people and the water, not the alcohol etc. Who’s to say longer-time AA folks wouldn’t be capable of doing the same thing? Although, I do admit fully that it would not be common. Same with pregnant women.

Anyway, that was silly.

At the end of the social, a small group was going to eat, and I was invited to join them. I easily joined them for the food, and I had a lovely time talking with and spending time with all of them then (as we hadn’t talked much or at all at the earlier part). When they continued on to somewhere else for more drinking (still outdoors and all), I comfortably declined and wished them a lovely rest of their day and evening/night, as I headed out. It is lovely not having regrets after group interactions like that. And it is especially so for me, when the setting is one in which I previously have had those regrets. I was myself today, and I was comfortable in who I am. It was spectacular.

And a tiny fun bit to it all: We all got sunburned. And some of us badly…. But we are fit half-lobsters! 😛

Today was really great, and I am entirely grateful for it.

Gratitude, God. Thank you.

Post-a-day 2021

^Meh… had to consider

Progress

I did another set of progress photos today to coincide with the body electrode measuring scan I did this evening. On January 11th, I began a good rehab and fitness challenge with my gym. I had an electrode scan that week, too. The challenge ended after three weeks, and included required progress photos.

At that three-week mark, I was not delighted with my photos; not in the least. I barely even saw a difference in the photos, despite the fact that I had verified differences in how my clothes fit and how certain parts of my body felt and looked firsthand. A friend of mine reminded me that women tend to take longer for things to change visually, like in a photo, when compared to men. (Ah, yes, I recall the men’s photos from the start of at-home workouts for COVID-19, and the month-in photos… super unfair.)

Anyway, so I determined to keep at it for st least another two sets of three weeks, and see what could happen then. Today, I am at that nine-week completion mark. I did photos every three weeks, and compared them to one another. By the sixth week, I definitely noticed a difference from the start of the photos, and it was even more so noticeable today. (Keep in mind that I was already rather active before the challenge, though not in near as great shape as I had been pre-COVID-19. So, I wasn’t starting from sedentary or from eating total crap, but I definitely was not as active as pre-COVID-19 [or now] and was rainy a lot of stuff that wasn’t good for me in various ways.)

Put in the right workout outfit, I look amazing right now, even to my own eyes. I watched this little clip someone took of me last week over and over and over again, it was difficult for me to grasp that I actually looked so good as I did. And it was awesome.

Today, in my old shorts (that I now have to roll twice to keep from falling off of me) and new bra, as in all the photos (though I grabbed the wrong green ones by mistake, it might have been a good thing in the long run), I did the fourth set of photos and was grateful. Though everything was out in the open, I can truly see an awesome improvement from January. From the electrode dats tonight, I have numbers to back it up.

My weight went down a pound. My muscle weight – the number of pounds of muscle in my body – went from 46.5lbs to almost 51lbs, increasing three pounds. (That means that I released roughly four pounds of fat.) And my body fat percentage went from 18.5% to 17.5%, down a whole percentage point. Several other things improved, too, but I do not remember their particular numbers.

All of that was in nine weeks. Sounds pretty cool to me, but it also feels Really cool and Really good, and I am extremely grateful for the progress and my ability to make it.

I’m conclusion, wow. Here are some photos, in case you care to compare them.

Post-a-day 2021

^Had I think about it still

Cold sleep

It is cold, and I feel it. From the air conditioner, not from outside. I go back and forth between shivering and being slightly miserable without shaking. There was no blanket down here for me to use, let alone a comforter. I found a throw upstairs, but it isn’t very heavy/warm. I likely will have to sleep fully clothed tonight.

And then some.

Glad I brought the thick wool socks for possible hiking (which almost definitely will not happen).

I am also very tired, and also sleepy, increasing, I believe, my sense of annoyance and stress.

Dear God, please help me sleep well tonight and awaken rested and comfortable tomorrow and the next day.

Especially considering that my body decided today was finally the day to start menstruating… what impeccably terrible timing. I think it is aiming to make a point, and I might be understanding that point: I need to take care of myself, no matter what others do or want to do.

And now, to dress and to sleep.

Post-a-day 2021

Breathing emotion

Have you ever had the experience of being filled with emotions – ones you hadn’t even realized were building until they reached the point of crying to escape – without even knowing whence they came, or why they came?

It’s times like these that I find myself wanting to step out of myself, and watch movies or some TV show, so that I can go through the gamut, experience fully all the emotions, and using the reasons of the characters in what I am watching as my foundation for experiencing those emotions… it is through them that I am able to release what is built up inside me, all of these things whose origins I cannot seem to identify. I do not know if it is my body preparing for menstruation, and my mind taking on the emotions of those around me, or how I might perceive their situations in life. But it happens every so often for me… I cannot identify what I am feeling, aside from an intense urge to cry and let everything express itself powerfully and fully…, but I always end up taking the time to stop and cry, somehow, and it is always most effective when I go through some movie with lots of emotion and sop, so I can really get all the tears out – a real weep fest of a movie.

Today, I went through nine hours of that…

But, boy, can I already tell that I am going to sleep well tonight – at ease, released, breathing again.

Post-a-day 2021

Blah-blah-blah, hai!

Well, I made it through today. And I even got in a quick walk outside in the direct sunlight. That part was especially awesome (and beneficial). I’ll need to be sure I do the same tomorrow. Our lunch break is even longer tomorrow, though, so I likely can get a much longer walk in there.

It has been interesting doing this all today. I’m working with Japanese folks, talking about Japan. I do this every so often, yet it still surprises me each time how much I find that I want more of it in my life. I have no official reason, yet I want to pursue a certification in Japanese. I want to be at a higher level of conversing. Half the time, I don’t even necessarily want to say anything myself, but it would be nice to have a fuller understanding of all of the conversations and chit-chat and everything. I usually get the general gist of it all, and often understand almost every word. However, there are definitely times when I have understood only a word or few, and have no real idea of what is being said. I know I can survive in Japanese, but I keep finding more and more so that I want to thrive in it.

Man…

Post-a-day 2021

^Only took minor consideration this time

Tomorrow

Okay… lots and lots to do tomorrow, and lots to do before the officially scheduled stuff. And then lots more for afterward….

I only just realized that last part…. man… super face palm.

Ah, well, it is all for stuff I genuinely love, and I happen to be being paid for all of it, so, that’s really cool. It’s just a lot in a single day… and Friday, Monday, and Tuesday will be oddly similar…

Well, it’s almost 9:30, and I’m signing off and getting into bed in just a few minutes, so, I’m getting off to the right start for it all. Fingers crossed, and intentions set!

Post-a-day 2021

^Decent