Marry me, or leave me be

For some reason, I genuinely want friends, and I rather want males to leave me alone in the dating realm of life.  I usually struggle even talking with guys who show interest in me, until they seem to understand clearly that I am not interested (a process which usually includes utter bluntness, ignoring, a combination of the two, and possibly many other negative-type events).  So, it always feels like I just wants guys to leave me alone – I don’t want to date anyone, so let it go, give it up -, but I’m fine with having friends and acquaintances, and actually prefer that to dating.

Yet I want to be with someone.

I think that 1) I am crazy, and 2) I am already in the mindset of being with that certain someone, whoever it is, because I feel so confident that it will be unbelievably obvious when the time comes that we finally meet and are ready to be together, that we are the ones for one another.  So, in a way, I’m already having a relationship with this someone – or myself, if I am the only one meant for me after all -, and so I naturally am bothered by guys expressing interest in me.  I already have someone, or else I won’t ever be having someone, so leave me be (on that front, anyway).

Yeah, so I suppose I have established that I am, indeed, just a little bonkers, then. 😛

Post-a-day 2018

Advertisements

Teatime with the girls

A sort of short story about a girl’s casual, 30-second train of thought.

……………………………………………..

“…I go on a job interview there, and that’s how we finally meet up, and discover that we really do like one another in a dating capacity.  And so, I start working over there, and we start dating.  That’s easy enough, you see,” says Eliza.

“Okay…” replies Karen speculatively.  “And then?”

“Well, and then we realize that we totally love one another,” continues Eliza, “and we’re ready to get married.  But the question is whether we get married here or over there.  If we got married there, it would be totally classy and cool, but then all of my family and friends here likely would miss out.  But then, I think, what people here do I really care about having at my wedding?  Most of them would be invited only so I could show off my amazing husband and wedding to them, anyway.  And wouldn’t it be accomplishing the same thing by getting married in Europe instead, where my husband is from?  It shows how he’s exotic, and so am I, getting married over there.  Plus, then all the ladies could wear their fabulous hats and everything would be so chic and practically straight out of some fashion magazine.
“I would have a dress that is inspired from the princesses’ wedding dresses in London over the years, with a hint of French flare and loads of my own personality, all tied together beautifully and stunningly.”

Karen cuts her off, “You have the dress planned already?”

“Well, I’m not sure about the whole thing exactly, but I know how the sleeves would look, and they’re spectacular and classy.  And YES, they do exist, despite all this recent fashion of sleeveless wedding dresses.  So not my style.”

Karen shakes her head, and takes a sip of tea as Eliza continues.

“Anyway, so that could be cool.  And we’d have a super-fab old Church for the wedding, and that would be amazing and not cliché, because it’s actually just normal in Europe.  But then, we’d have to have some kind of something here in the US afterward.  I’m not sure what, exactly, but something to celebrate specifically with everyone here who couldn’t make the trip.  But nothing lame.  Too many people do a lame ‘Oh, we couldn’t invite all of you to the wedding, but we still want to celebrate with you’.  Aka ‘Give us presents, even though you weren’t good enough to be invited to the wedding.’  Not to be harsh, but you get the point…”

“Who’s she talking about?” whispers Lorena, who has just returned from flirting at the tea bar.

“The guy from the photo I showed you yesterday,” replies Karen, sighing.  Lorena accepts this, and begins to process what Eliza is saying.

“Then we’d continue living over there, and it’d be perfect, because it lines up with my wanting to live over there, and we’d be so close for an easy trip up to visit Christine and her husband whenever we wanted for a long weekend or whatever.  Or I could go alone super easily.”

Astounded, Lorena cuts in, “You mean you’ve already decided on wedding plans with this guy?!  You haven’t even gone on a date, yet!”

“He hasn’t even asked her out,” chuckles Karen.

Only slightly defensively, Eliza replies cooly, “Well, if we can’t agree on a wedding location and place to live, then it isn’t really worth bothering dating in the first place, now is it?  We’d be wasting our time if we knew so soon that it never would work out, yet went forward with it all, anyway.”

“She has a point,” allows Karen, raising her eyebrows.

After a pause, Lorena replies, “True…  I still hold that you’re nuts, Eliza.”

“I’ll second that,” throws in Karen.

“Third it!” laughs Eliza.  “Oh, I know I’m totally nuts.  That’s why it’s so important that a guy and I be compatible through and through before we bother starting anything.”

They erupt in giggles and laughter, enjoying the ridiculousness of the conversation, and knowing how true Eliza’s statement really is.

“Weirdo,” says Lorena, playfully.  “Okay, let’s have some lunch.  I’m hungry, and now all I can think about is smoked salmon…”

The other two frown questioningly at her.

“What?  You were talking about weddings.  Weddings always make me think of smoked salmon.”

“Weirdo.”

“Total weirdo.”

Lorena laughs, “Whatever.”

……………………………………………..

Post-a-day 2018

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t play favorites?

We grow up always hearing about not playing favorites.  “Don’t play favorites,” and, “Treat everyone equally,” everyone always seems to say.

And yet, I struggled through the constant questions of “What’s your favorite _______?”   I even made up a favorite color, because I didn’t have one, but people constantly asked what mine was.

What’s more, if we look at it purely on a human perspective, not to play favorites, then does marriage even really work?   Exclusivity in relationships would be impossible.  How could I treat someone else with the same passion, love, care as I do my partner?  And then, how could I treat everyone that way?

How could I have an intimate and loving relationship with my mom, if I am to treat her as I treat all others, despite the fact that I spend most of my childhood with her, and not the rest of the world?

I’m not looking to cancel exclusivity or marriage or anything, here.  I’m just wondering at our concepts of ‘treat everyone equally’ and ‘don’t play favorites’.  There seems to me to be a sort of inconsistency in the thinking here – something is missing in our mentality, and I want it to come beautifully to light to save the day… something like that, anyway. 😛

Post-a-day 2017

Note to self

I have this sticky note on my desk.  It’s not exactly positive, but it somehow encourages me.  I don’t remember when I wrote it, and I only somewhat remember writing it.  However, I mostly remember where I was mentally when I wrote it.

I was lost and depressed and stressed and unhappy, and I knew that I was going to stay in this current job to the end of my contract (this coming July).  I was concerned with my future, in terms of career, of who I want to be and the lifestyle I want to have, and in terms of potential partnership in my life (think “husband”).  And all I knew for sure was that my life was (and still is) here right now, in Japan and in this job.  There is something for me here for now.  When the something has been reached, I will move elsewhere, but not before then and not after then.  

And though I wrote this note months ago, it still applies and still rings true – it even gives me hope and inspiration for my future and my present both, despite its sounding so sad every time I hear myself read it in my head.  I think that I recall the pain that was present when I wrote the note, and I feel a connection, a sort of bond, with that person who wrote it.  I know that person was still I, but it was a different I from who I am now.  We still have that link of utter distaste in our mouths at being in this job and circumstance, though, and that is a powerful bond between us.  We work together through this bond to encourage one another to persevere – you can do it, and so can you.

It reads:

Also, bleib ich einfach

warte

“And so, I’ll just stay, wait”
And I do.
Post-a-day 2017

Crushes & the imagination

I’ve got to say: There’s something really fun about having a crush.  

Perhaps it’s the excitement and anticipation of wondering what, if anything, might happen.  Will he end up confessing his undying love for me?  Will he declare that I am the best person he has ever known, and that he cannot imagine life without me?  Will he become my best guy friend for now, or even for the rest of my life?  (Actually had this happen.)  Will he end up being psycho?  (Again, happened.)  Will he even notice I exist?  (Yep.)  Will he completely ignore me, and go date some other, more sexy girl?  (Happened.)  Will he be the best guy I’ve ever known, yet never have a bit of interest in me?  (Yup.)  Is he actually gay?  (This one, too.)  Will he become a priest instead of dating me?  (Really am speaking from experience, here. :P)

But then, perhaps part of it is also imagining life, should something actually come of the crush.  Will we become this amazing couple, traveling the world together with a dog and a cat and a few kiddos?  Will people wish they were we, or wish they had what we have?  Will I get to announce our engagement to all of our family and friends?  Will he turn out to be the man who breaks my heart?  Will we spend weeks at a time visiting beautiful beaches together, living a picture perfect vacation life each time?  Will I be the woman who breaks his heart?  Will we do something fabulous in a big city together, and be super modern and hip with our furnishings and modern art?  Will he turn out to be absolutely vain or utterly boring?  Will we end up on a ranch together, raising kids who ride horses, and swinging into the nearby lake on sunny days?  Will we be dancing, singing superstars (at least among all of our friends)?  Will he end up being super jealous, that we can’t possibly stay together, because I couldn’t possibly give up my friends?  Will I?  Will we move into an old, renovated fire station, and be art and music hipsters who help save the world each day?  The ideas go on and on, to any degree of crazy my imagination feels like going that particular day.

Perhaps it’s nature, perhaps it’s nurture, and perhaps it’s a bit of both, but I have these sorts of thoughts every time I have a crush.  Even for the times where I have no intention, desire, or even opportunity for anything to come of the crush, these sorts of thoughts still rush to mind.  It’s as though I have a sort of mobile-esque photo montage floating around my head, filled with snapshots from all of our potential life paths together.

For the most part, I enjoy the ideas without actually considering them to be a likely forecast of the future.  Sure, they could happen.  However, I find them all quite unlikely.(Though, I do admit that very upsetting scenarios also come to mind at times, and so I am always glad to know that those particular futures are very unlikely.)  I think I just enjoy imagining how crazy and awesome a story it would be to tell everyone if such-and-such happened between whomever and me.  ‘Kids, this is how Daddy and I met.  Can you believe it?’ 😛
On a sort of tangent, this all kind of reminds me of how people say that women have had their weddings planned since they were little girls.  I think we just have fun using our imaginations, and a wedding is just one particular outlet for them.  

I’ve often thought about my own wedding, however I can never decide on any actual details.  As soon as I think I want a certain style of white dress, I suddenly think I want a totally different style of green velveteen, or perhaps floral ochre…  I think I just don’t really care about the results, because it isn’t actually something real happening – for the time being, it’s just a brain exercise…  I love imagining various wedding scenarios for myself, of course.  However, that doesn’t mean that I’m actually planning my own wedding.  You know?  Anyway… just some thoughts.

Crushes are fun, in part for their potential, and in great part for their role in the imagination-creativity game.  I mean, what if he actually asks me out, and then confesses his love for me while we’re ice skating in the park, followed by our having hot cocoa, going horseback riding, and then dancing together all night to live music?  It could totally happen.  ; )

 

Post-a-day 2017