Tag: marriage

Ouch…

But seriously, who invented all the nonsense that goes alongside menstruation? Utter nonsense… ::facepalm

Anyway, this weekend, I saw the wife of someone I know. Though I had seen the husband many, many times, I had not seen the wife until this Saturday.

When I first saw her, it took a few moments to process fully what I was seeing. Then it took another few moments to allow for my initial reactions. And another few to crave indulging in them. And a final few to allow them just to be, and then, therefore, to release. Rather than being upset by what I saw, I knew I could have it be a positive experience – even if it took some effort.

“Body goals,” I told myself, letting it fall heavily from my lips, the initial sigh thereby dispersed. Music was playing loudly at the gym, so I had no overhearing ears. I really only could feel the words vibrate through my body, as it wasn’t loud enough for my own ears to hear over the music.

But I felt it… and in more ways than one.

After that, I kept going back and forth between awe at how amazing she was physically, and wanting to break down crying at how far away I am from that right now.

I knew pitying myself was neither necessary nor valuable, so I always let that one go. But that didn’t stop it from co to hint to pop up at intervals throughout the whole day afterward, and even the following day somewhat.

As a friend reminded me later, the wife probably wasn’t like that when they got married, and it probably took her years to get to that point. Same for the husband. (Though, he was always less intimidating or whatever, because he’s male, I suppose.) It wasn’t an overnight process for either of them, and they probably weren’t already like that when they first met one another or even got married.

That idea gives me hope… that I can find someone who is fit beautifully already and who values my own work thus far, but who will continue to grow with me and thereby support and empower me o to further-enhanced fitness throughout our future. I would continue this same road, but no longer on my own. I’d have a true partner in crime for it all. (So to speak, that is… haha)

Anyway,… there’s that ouch and the menstruation and resulting digestion ouch, and the utter exhaustion that they and all the other stress have brought for this evening.

Alas, I shall now go sleep… with an alarm every two-ish hours, of course, to use the bathroom. ::facepalm I swear…, whoever made up this nonsense must have been severely out of his wits at the time… Man…

Post-a-day 2021

Back in the day, just now

Anyone else out there ever find yourself contemplating men like you’re back in the 1800s, preparing for marriage?

I haven’t even gone on a date with any guys, yet my brain has been evaluating the pros and cons of each as though we are considering not only a date but a brief courtship followed by marriage and likely many children.

Yes, the first is very handsome, but it really would be a true delight to have someone who so dearly values, appreciates, and wants you, as does the second. He would dote on you so, and that would be lovely.

Or would it become annoying, since you do not share his same affections?

Would he be hurt that you do not and cannot see him as he sees you? Or would he be all too honored to offer his high pay and devotion to you for the rest of your days without a doubt? Likely the latter.

But would you be willing to accept such a relationship, and give up the possibility of marrying for mutual love and devotion? Give up your freedom for such security without intense love? Perhaps love can develop over time – it is difficult to resist someone who longs for you so. But you would not know until you are much further down the line. At which point, it may be too late to turn away…, especially after all he has given you, and all you have encouraged his efforts…

But, as Miss Charlotte Lucas said, it is better for a husband and wife to know nothing of each other at all at the time of their marriage, and to spend the rest of their lives getting to know one another and falling in love at our leisure…

And then, on another hand, something more like this gentleman would be wonderful for genes to pass on to your offspring – you would make a fine pair in that sense. And you would look lovely standing together. That other gentleman ought not to be considered, when it comes to genes one wants to pass on to one’s children…

These are real thoughts that I notice passing through my mind on any given day. And I don’t even necessarily use them for any actual decisions in anything. But I can’t deny their accuracy. It would be nice to be with someone who practically fawns over me, and wants nothing more than to take care of me as best as possible. But could I ever marry for logic over love? I think not. It would have to be logic and love.

And, of course, this all seems utterly ridiculous, because, well, I haven’t even been on a single date with anyone, yet these are the thoughts going through my mind. It really is as though I am in the 1800s and a date is a very likely forward step toward marriage.

Perhaps I really do view it that way, thus my aversion(?) to dating in general. I don’t want to date someone if I am unwilling, even in the slightest way, to consider a significant partnership together in the future (e.g. marriage). Or, rather, if I just can’t see it (not that I am unwilling to consider it, but that I consider it and come up with nothing of value). So, I’m not averse to dating, but I won’t go on a date without valid reason. And ‘to have fun’ or ‘to see what I like and dislike’ are not valid reasons for me. I do those all the time, and I don’t need a date for them to happen.

Nonetheless, this all reminds me of what Mr. Darcy had to say in chapter six, once he admitted to enjoying such fine eyes on a certain woman’s face, and Miss Bingley asked him when she was to wish him joy.

“That is exactly the question which I expected you to ask. A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment. I knew you would be wishing me joy.”

I am certainly that woman, in a way…

Anyway… just my thoughts of the week. ;P

Post-a-day 2021

^I’m almost going in reverse here – I nearly missed it again!

Marriage and Dating

I find myself yet again thinking on the idea of exclusivity in a dating (or marital) relationship. We say we want an exclusive relationship. But what does that truly mean?

If we have a problem, we go only to one another?

If that is the case, then why would we not want to seek a doctor for medical advice, or a teacher on a specific topic on which we may seek knowledge. Our partner is not necessarily the one who will have the answers we need, and likely doesn’t not expect us to rely on him or her for things outside of his or her own specialties.

What about that, when we have special news, we go first to one another?

Well, what happens to the best friends and sisters and mothers and brothers in this case? They have held such roles for most of our lives, oftentimes. Are they suddenly replaced by this partner’s having come around? Or, at any rate, have they lost their places as our confidantes in life? We do not expect them to do that, I believe. It is more that the partner joins the ranks of such individuals for us.

These are merely two examples of my thoughts on this matter. Their having been said, I move to my great point of concern.

Is it more so a matter of sexual exclusivity that we seek, when we declare a desire for an exclusive relationship?

That thought has been bugging me for quite some time now…

I want to deny it, but I cannot do so effectively yet. And I’m not sure if I ever will be able to do so.

I know that I want to be, in a way, mentally ever-present for my partner, and I want the reverse so, too. I want to be sexually exclusive with one another, and because we both want that specifically – not because we are restraining ourselves in some way from acting on desires with others. I want us to trust and to love and to want to be with one another in all ways, and for us to be okay whenever we are apart – we are so confident in one another’s love and support. We will be always there for one another, and we will speak honestly and openly with one another.

And I don’t want to be in any other kind of relationship with a potential partner, even at the very beginning.

Post-a-day 2021

^!!

Love

Does being in a relationship necessarily mean settling, in some way or other? I fully believe that I can find a partner in life without either of us settling in any way. We can be true friends, helping one another be the best possible versions of ourselves, and together. We can be in clear and authentic communication with one another. And we can be a stand for who we each truly are and for who we are together, and what we want to create and be together. And we can always be true to our individual selves and the group ourselves, without ever settling.

Am I just crazy for thinking that? (Not that I doubt my tough it crazy in life, but is this one of those irrational bits of craziness, or just a crazy one in its rarity?)

Post-a-day 2020

Some thoughts on sex and marriage

******Warning: potentially uncomfortable content here, though no intention of being offensive in any way. Just giving you a heads up that it talks about sex and some uncommonly publicly discussed topics.********

A friend was talking to me recently about the seeming pointlessness of honeymoons for the average couples nowadays. Typically, they are already having sexual intercourse with one another before marrying, and most have at least some version of living together, be it that one stays over st the other’s place often/regularly, or that they actually do live together. The whole purpose of a honeymoon was for a couple, in many senses, to get to know one another and to grow comfortable being together in an intimate way, that being physically, emotionally, and sexually.

And I tend to wonder with this friend on his particular topic: Is the honeymoon really anything special or valuable most of the time anymore? Is it not merely just a vacation together, and likely not the first?

So, I was thinking about the Fifty Shades books this evening, and a conversation I was having with a different friend last night. We were discussing shaving and laser hair removal at one point, and found ourselves discussing, in a space of somewhat silly comfort, personal preferences of shaving, as well as various cultural theories on pubic hair in terms of sexual intimacy and pleasure. For example, when I did some research on The Vagina Monologues several years ago, I heard a good handful stories from women that really stuck with me, as they were about how physically uncomfortable they women were when they shaved off all of their pubic hair. A few of them had gone to marriage counseling, and the therapist had recommended they shave fully, because their husbands liked it, and that would help their sexual and therefore whole relationship. But these women were in actual pain during intercourse, when they had no pubic hair… and that idea blew my mind.

You see, I grew up with significantly older sisters who were in the category of ‘shave almost everything, but leave a touch for aesthetic purposes’. I also heard about their sexual lives, whether anyone paid attention to that or not. This idea that women would be in physical pain not having their pubic hair was very striking for me. And hat they would have pain during intercourse was even more striking… that’s meant to be one of the most pleasurable experiences in life, yet it had become something of torture for these women… and even with men they loved.

So, we were talking about all of this, gently yet honestly and openly, and something eventually brought up a reference to the Fifty Shades books. So, tonight, the books came back to mind, and I somehow found myself thinking of Fifty Shades’s various sexual activities, and wondering if the average couple every bothered to explore any of those activities, or if they kind of just told each other, ‘I like this,’ and left it at that.

And then I wondered if they even tell each other anything about their likes and dislikes sexually, let alone discussed exploring it all together newly.

And it hit me that that is exactly what could be accomplished on a honeymoon for the average couple nowadays. I fully believe that a relationship works best with continuous effort and intention and communication on all of this – it is not a one-time thing. However, it is often not an easy topic for most people to broach, and a honeymoon just seems like an easy enough in for such a conversation, be it verbal or only physical. A honeymoon was originally established as a means of growing comfortable together. Why can people not still have it be that?: a growing opportunity. Then, hopefully, even of a couple has been together for years, sexually active together for years, perhaps they can explore together sexually, and discover not only new bings they each like and dislike, but also find a new depth to their relationship and intimacy, a further comfort they may or may not have noticed was lacking before.

It’s not a perfect idea, but it is one I think is worth pursuing. Especially for the people who feel that one must have sex with another before marriage, so as not to be stuck with someone where the chemistry is just a mess, or something like that, the honeymoon could be a real opportunity for paying special attention to sexual exploration and comfort for both members of the marriage, in a way they never had before then. It’s not about visiting sights in a foreign land, but about visiting sights and experiences with one another that have been foreign or frightening (in terms of comfort, not safety) thus far, with risk of embarrassment. That, ‘I’ve always wondered about that,’ sexual activity could be a huge part of exploring together on a honeymoon.

Anyway… just my two cents from tonight’s casual thinking. Take it or leave it, as you wish. 😉 Though, I’m totally hoping you take it with you and share it. ;D

Post-a-day 2020

Dreams, then reality

As I’ve said before, dreams tend to take care of us – they find where we are emotionally unsettled from the day (or from even longer), and they aim to resolve those points for us while we sleep.  We go to bed with suppressed angst, we have a torrid dream of seemingly disconnected and/or nonsensical events, throwing us through emotion after emotion, and then we wake up slightly shocked yet – whether we notice it or not – no longer quite so full of the angst of yesterday.  It’s like how we are always told that we’ll feel better in the morning, or after a good night’s rest – our brain helps to heal us as we sleep, and dreams are the part of the healing that we, somewhat, are able to witness.

Last night, I had a long series of one of those dreams, and it was surprising how it was put together.  However, it made perfect sense, after I considered it all for a little while today.  I am physically attracted to this type of guy, but I am emotionally, psychologically, and mentally attracted to a very different type of guy.  It is not the tall, dark, and handsome that keep my attention – they only grab it initially.  It is the gloriously intelligent, slightly dorky guy, the one who can’t help but be true to his inner nerdiness, and share it with the world freely, and free from shame.  It is the guy who is comfortable in himself and is unapologetically smart and silly, who keeps my attention.  (Well, as long as he has good teeth, that is – I can’t stand bad teeth… just saying…)

And so, despite the gloriously handsome guys who could have shown up for the delightfully silly series of events that were an absurd version of dating and loving someone truly, my brain gave me the nerdy genius of the bunch… and I loved it.  As I mentioned, I was surprised when I woke up, and I processed the fact that I had just had a mental dating relationship with the least physically attractive guy on my mind.  However, it did not take me long after asking the question, “Why was he the one?” that I knew exactly why.  My body is attracted to the other guys loads more, and my mind a good amount, but my mind is absurdly attractive to him, when compared to the others… they can’t even begin to compare, really, because they aren’t even on the same plane.

So, yeah, it was a lovely set of dreams… and it really helped me deal mentally with some unsettled stress…, but the dream itself lacked an ending – it just kind of fizzled out, as dreams often do, leaving me wanting not more of the dream but the real thing, life itself. Now, I want more than ever to meet my own nerdy love of my life.  And I have no idea what to do about that.

Well, I actually do, in a way… As I have begun, I must continue to pursue this living space beautification process.  I see the next steps in it all, and I think it is more important than ever that I take them, so that I can actually achieve this dream of mine with my living space.  By pursuing something that is so important and also so difficult for me (yet entirely true to who I am to pursue and achieve), I am making mental and physical space for this person to arrive.  I am also setting myself up for the life I want to lead, and for being who and how I want to be in more ways than ever… that, in and of itself, is a bold and powerful step, I believe, in not only inviting but allowing that person to enter into my life, my daily life.

So, now that I’ve had the lovely dream last night, I want to do what it takes to create the real thing for me, to turn the ideas of that dream into my reality.  (Obviously, I don’t want the specifics of the dream, people included, [myself aside, that it], but I want the ideas and emotions presented and managed within it to become part of my life.)  Basically, I was inspired by my nighttime dreams to create something spectacular and unexpected in my reality.  Thank you, dreams.  Thank you, brain.  Blowing my mind here, and I am grateful… just help me to take the next steps, would you, please?  😀

On that note, time to go to sleep, Banana.  😉

Post-a-day 2020

He doesn’t drink, but…

I think I much would prefer to sue the phrase myself, and to have it go, “He doesn’t drink, and…,” instead.

…it’s fine by me.

…I don’t either.

…so what?

…I hardly even notice.

…I appreciate it.

…it really isn’t what matters most about him – there’s so much more than even bothering mentioning that he doesn’t drink.

So, yeah… perhaps he drinks and perhaps he doesn’t…, but I think I’m really liking this idea of his not being interested in drinking… I never expected that I would be in such a boat myself…, and I am beginning to see that we would do well together, if we both happened to be on the same boat….

You know what I mean?

Post-a-day 2020

The friend drop

You know how people have a tendency to disappear for a while from a friendship, when they start dating someone?

I, myself, did it once in high school (and promptly learned that it is not worth it and that I’ll not do it again…, I had been at the other extreme the time before then, spending so much time with the friend and too little with the boyfriend, that I lost the boyfriend!), and it took a long time for me not to feel bad about it regarding the friend that I almost lost.

Anyway, so I think it happens rather regularly in people’s lives, right?

We probably all know someone or many someones who have done it.

But have you ever had two friends doe it at once, because they start dating one another?

I had that happen several years ago… I was extremely excited just these two friends from different parts of my life had met and were dating one another.

But they slowly began to disappear from my life… now, the two are married and about to have a baby, and I don’t remember the last time we talked or even messaged one another… it’s been almost as long as their relationship, really.

Slowly, but surely, they each disappeared from the friendships they had held with me, and I now feel like I barely know either one of them.

And, while I miss them, I miss them from before they got together… who they are now as a couple is a unit with which I can’t seem to connect… and so I don’t actually find myself wanting to spend any time with them nowadays… they aren’t the same individual fiends I loved having in my life… as it goes with people’s getting together, they are different from before… and I don’t exactly like them now.

I don’t dislike them, I believe… but I definitely don’t like them.

And I am still undetermined as to whether it is how they actually are now, or if it is more how they simultaneously abandoned me and our friendships… I am thinking that it is both, approximately a 60/40 split, respectively.

Anyway… odd how that came to mind tonight… hmm…

Post-a-day 2020

Shower time(!!!)

Showers.

There are two things that have been on my mind regarding showers tonight.

Naturally, as is the case with all amazing ideas that arise in the shower, I’ve forgotten one or the other at least five times since they first came to me while I was showering half an hour ago…

Fortunately, though, I got them both back safely into my consciousness, and wrote them down before I could forget again.

The first: Shower buddies.

Whenever the idea of showering with someone is portrayed in film or television, in books, or even in conversation, it is almost exclusively approached as an erotic experience.

The same is true with physically exploring another’s body – it is never never anything but an arousing, erotic experience for both (or all) parties involved.

But why must they be so?

There is a photo – simultaneously dreadful and adorable – of me as a baby, climbing carefully into the shower to join my dad, my bum covered in you-know-what (Obviously, my mom had a sense of humor about it.)… we got to be shower buddies, sharing the space and showering simultaneously, my dad and I.

When I was older, but still a child, I had minimal space in the house that was ever granted to me entirely – that is to say, nowhere was guaranteed to be my own space for long.

This, of course, included the toilet and the shower. (Yes, I have this one terrible memory of sitting on the toilet while my sister showered, and my brother walked in and told me to scoot forward, because he needed to pee… I am proud of 7-year-old me for refusing…. but I digress…)

Whenever my sisters needed to shower, they got to shower.

If I was already preparing to shower, it was no matter, they just hopped on in with me and adjusted the water to their preferred temperature (quite hotter than I liked it, actually).

At first, they had me shower with them in order to make sure I was showering and to show me how to shower properly (I didn’t exactly love showering or bathing as a younger child).

Eventually, though, I turned into more of a coincidental affair that no one really minded, and that I actually found fun.

In one sense, I enjoyed learning how my older sisters showered and how their bodies were – though, to be fair, they already walked around in towels or half-naked or naked for an hour or so after every shower anyway – and, in another, I enjoyed the fun of sharing an event with someone and in such an intimate, one-on-one way.

It might sound a bit absurd, but it really was a fun event for me as a child.

At my mom’s house, it was only ever an exchange of space – she would finish and step out of the shower, and I would step directly into it, without turning anything off.

But, at my dad’s house, it was all too common that I would end up showering alongside at least one of my sisters… and I loved it.

Fast-forward to grown-up days.

I really would love to be able to have a shower buddy again.

Bathing at all the onsen in Japan, I learned to appreciate the human body even more than I had before, and especially to appreciate nudity not as something wrong or weird, but as something that is natural and that merely has a certain time and place in society.

I also learned to be comfortable with my own naked body… and to be comfortable with my own naked body around other people… and to be comfortable with my own body around my friends and their own naked bodies…

I guess, now that I’m really thinking about it, I actually did have showering/bathing buddies in Japan… it was silly at first, but it became rather fun for me.

‘Hey, what do you want to go do this weekend when we get together?’ a friend asks… ‘Onsen!’ was my delighted reply.

And it wasn’t so that we could go be naked together – that was always a way-after thought – but because I love having out in all the lovely baths in onsen… it’s one of my favorite pieces of Japanese culture, onsen.

I just became very comfortable with the whole showering and being naked with others – including friends – situation.

(Fun fact: I met my ukulele teacher in a bath at an onsen while on a snowboarding trip in Japan… we started lessons together a few months afterward.)

And so, I want to bring that back into my life, I guess.

Why would I love to have someone in my life?

Right now, because I want a shower buddy… 😛 (I am totally cracking up right now, but I really do mean it!)

It definitely teaches cooperation (and agility), it inspires a sense of childlike silliness, and it is just a little bit crazy…, all of which I think are wonderful things to have in our lives. 🙂

Also, in terms of exploring bodies physically, can we not learn to touch another’s body – say someone’s ripped abs or arms or legs, or beautifully shaped back, or even someone’s buttocks (Can you tell this one has happened to me??? Several times, actually…) – either clothed or not, with fascination and appreciation, and not have to make it an erotic affair?

Think of how a blind person might explore another’s face… it is not for erotic reasons but for getting to know the person.

Sure, a sighted person can see the other’s body, but how much do we really see?

I would love to explore my partner’s body, every bit of it, in a non-erotic sense… just as we get to know and to spend time with someone’s personality, I think it is important that we get to know someone’s bossy and spend time with it in its natural state (i.e. not aroused).

That isn’t to say that arousal need be denied always and forever – just that it has its own time and place, and isn’t always what’s called for (or best) at certain times.

So often, I hear people talk about wanting the lights to be dimmed or out when they are going to be naked in any way, even and especially around their partners, because they are ashamed or embarrassed about some or many parts of their bodies…

Would it not be better for everyone, if partners took the time to visit and explore and get to know one another’s bodies fully, in the light of day, so that they can be that much closer, more intimate and loving and accepting and appreciative of one another, more wholly so, after dark (and at all times)?

My opinion, of course, but I think it would be totally fabulous for both the individual relationships and for society at large.

……….

Okay, moving onward…

Second thing: Clothes.

One of my favorite things to do when showering is to enter the shower with clothes still on me.

It’s not something I do all the time – not by any means… it’s just something that I love, whenever I have the opportunity to do it.

When I was little/younger, I always had to do it because I had somehow gotten myself and my clothes absurdly dirty, such that the clothes could Not be put in the hamper in their present state – they needed to be rinsed off first.

Occasionally, it would be and still sometimes is because I have gotten myself caught in the cold, cold rain, and just want to get myself warm as quickly as possible… peeling the wet, gluey clothes off myself before entering the shower not only would have taken forever, but it would have frozen me even more, leaving my skin so exposed(!).

Most commonly, it was because I was in my swimsuit, and I needed to wash out the chlorine immediately, so as not to ruin they suit…, so I just got int he shower with the suit on, and then peeled it off and washed it quickly before washing myself.

These days, though, it is mostly just because I need to hand wash something that I am wearing (not necessarily a swimsuit)… a bra or underwear, sometimes socks or shorts, very occasionally a shirt or leggings or pants… and it’s sometimes because the items must be hand-washed, but most often because it is loads easier to do a quick hand wash in the shower than to do a whole load of laundry (that I may or may not have) just for the one item… also, if I need the one item soon or often, and I had only worn it just enough to be not fresh anymore, it really doesn’t need to go through such intense washing as the machine would do… a quick rinse and scrub is sufficient.

In fact, in winter, I have two of this particular shirt that I wear constantly, and so I always hand wash them in the shower.

Year-round, I wash almost all my sports bras in the shower… it started because I was required to hand wash my running bras, but continued because I have more work-out shirts than I do bras, and, as I have admitted before, I am not great with getting laundry done… I practically avoid it until I’ve been out of options for at least a few days*.

(I am getting loads better at it, actually, though I still have my moments of avoidance from time to time…)**

Anyway, I sometimes will hand wash something in the shower just because I want to experience the amazing feeling that is entering a warm shower, dressed.

If you haven’t ever tried it, naturally, I highly recommend it. 😉

Well, those are the two shower things that have been on my mind tonight…(!)

Happy bedtime, folks! 🙂

*In high school, we began “Swimsuit Day”, my best friend and I, because she loved wearing her swimsuit top better than a bra, and because I inevitably ran out of clean underwear, and didn’t necessarily notice until post-shower in the morning before school…, so I would grab a bikini bottom instead… and it became a thing that we did together for a day or two every time I needed to do laundry (obviously, I improved my awareness a bit, and so was able to give at least a day’s warning before “Swimsuit Day” was to take place… also, nobody ever really knew why we did it or how we determined when it would be, but plenty of people knew that it was “Swimsuit Day”, whenever it was… and some girlfriends actually started joining in, wearing swimsuits under their uniforms along with the two of us on “Swimsuit Day”…

**Did you lol at that unintended pun???… because I certainly did. 😛

Post-a-day 2020