Tag: women

Saturday sickness

Man, my body is tired of menstruation… not having my supplements this time, leading up to my period, I mean, has been a real hassle. I spent most of the day sick today – exhaustion and weakness with slight elevation in temperature in the afternoon (I talk about this like I’m a weather report…). I felt roughly dreadful ever since my shower after the workout this morning. I went back to bed just for a nap, woke up after an hour, needing to potty and adjust the air to cooler, and then fell asleep hard for another three hours. I woke up hot and panicked, knowing it was later than it was supposed to be.

My mom didn’t mind too much, though. She still enjoyed the rodeo on her own, then left early, as it was incredibly crowded (as expected) by later afternoon, and brought me some soup. She just happened to have made some soup yesterday, and to have brought a bunch with her in thermoses to the rodeo, but not drunk them yet. It was just what I had needed, that soup. And it got me outside for a few minutes when I went to get it in the driveway and talk with my mom briefly.

I’m feeling much better now, but still not tops. Hopefully, I will improve throughout the night… though, it will be tough having to get up as often as it looks like I’ll have to do to use the bathroom (due to menstruation, not the potentially-menstruation-induced illness)… only tomorrow will tell.

At that, I bid you all a wonderful and rest-filled night! God, please, bless us all with your love in a new way tonight, that we better fulfill your will tomorrow. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Trust and passage

God, I am trusting you. Please, please, guide me that your will be done – let my will be yours – and I pray that I love pursuing it with all my heart. Guide me to be your love and light expressed through all that I am in this life. Give comfort and ease to my family members who have been in pain lately, please. Grant a fulfilling and peace-filled passage to C as she moves out of her earthly body, please – let her know what she needs to know to be free, please, and help her pass through and to you fully. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Same deal!)

OCD to the … oh…

I have OCD – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Back in 2018, it had progressed so much that it was actually debilitating. The agoraphobia part of it especially had increased in intensity, and I couldn’t get myself to go almost anywhere, including to the store for necessary food/groceries.

But, that summer, I started seeing a holistic nutritionist who had mentioned in a presentation that my mom had attended – I had not attended it, as I had been too scared of the idea of going somewhere unknown with an unknown situation and unknown bathrooms and chairs and floors and smells and all the rest – that he believed OCD was from hormonal imbalances. He did a bunch of muscle testing on me, and he got me on a regimen of specific supplements to take mornings and evenings daily. Within six weeks, I was a completely different person. Rather, I was a person again. After six months, I was unrecognizable in my behavior. And, what’s more, all my menstruation stuff had gotten loads better, too… which suggested even more so that my main issue had been hormonal imbalances in the first place.

Now, these supplements that I take, they are straight up a few bizarre plants and seeds and oils, but mostly the odd parts of animals that we tend not to eat anymore as a society… liver, intestine, gallbladder, etc… (I don’t actually remember if all those are in there, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they were.) The things that elite athletes and health folks keep trying to get us to cook up at home or eat raw a few times a week, I am already taking in a powdered, capsule form. Pretty bizarre yet cool, right?

Well, I had thought I’d had two weeks of my supplements put together, ready for me to take. I found out at the end of the week that it was only one week’s worth put together. Now, it takes me a few days to plan out and make it happen to put my supplements together each time. It takes a while to do, and it isn’t something I can leave out if I haven’t finished. So, I kind of have to plan for it. And I didn’t do that this past week. It, therefore, took me several days to figure out when to put them together. And that time kept getting pushed to the next day, for various reasons…

Alas, about a week went by without my taking all the supplements. And I’m about to start menstruating, so my hormones are going absolutely nuts right now, I imagine.

I had to force myself to put the supplements together yesterday afternoon, though, as I could feel my entire body struggling, as though I were almost getting a cold, and I could see how my OCD was showing up all over the place, stressing me out and preventing me from doing things I needed and had wanted to do. It didn’t help that I was eating crappy foods this past week-ish.

So, this morning left me with almost no food of any kind – genuinely had green juice to take my supplements, then ate Girl Scout cookies and a few bites of sausage and gelato as my breakfast and lunch, as I had nothing else at the house. I didn’t go to the gym at my usual time, because I was scared of going and hadn’t slept too well, anyway, which was the official reason. I had intended to go to the store to get food for breakfast after the workout, but switched it to ‘once I got up’. I avoided getting up as long as possible, though the sleep was so restless (from midnight onward, really), and eventually got up at eight. It took me hours just to fold two small loads of laundry and pack them up. And I didn’t make it to the store until after noon.

I kid you not, as I walked into the store, I was close to tears. It was both out of stress and fear of going into the store itself – going into the agora – and it of frustration at how ridiculous it was that I was so stressed and scared at s bunch of nothing(!). Yet, there was nothing to be done about it aside from just doing it (and eating well and taking my supplements, though those weren’t valid at that particular time and place).

I got the green juice – Aka green water – and some food to cook later, along with the needed cleaning supplies, and I made it to the apartment. My flat mate was there, and I shared about my current state and morning – we haven’t seen each other much in the past week, surprise surprise. Then, of course, I cried loads. She very conscientiously asked if I wanted a hug or not right then, and, after considering a moment, I told her that I actually didn’t want to be touched at that moment, and we laughed about it. (Because I am such a toucher!) It took me a bit of adjusting, but I knew I was on a time limit, so I managed to get to work cleaning. I got most of it done, and left the bathroom and bedroom smelling of bleach, but airing out well. I felt very accomplished and positive about it all.

I was still nervous going to the gym from there, but I showed up and worked out anyway. Naturally, I felt good once we got started after the warm-up, and it has been smooth-sailing the rest of the evening and night so far. Before getting ready for bed, I had cooked dinner and prepped my food for school tomorrow, and I had taken my supplements for the fourth time in two days (the right number of times), and I was already noticing differences in my behaviors – improvements. In particular, I peeled a bunch of shrimp that had been in a soupy mess I’d made when cooking them, I bagged up and threw away their peelings, and I cleaned up everything and turned the faucet on and off multiple times all without having any panic. And only the peeling itself had kind of gotten to me a little bit, because there were just so many of them, and I was running out of space in the peelings bowl and the sauce kept squirting around all icky-like. But I just had to breathe and keep calm, and I was able to make it through all 30+ of them before cleaning everything up.

Just this morning, I was having major struggles just turning off a faucet. (Every time I went to turn it off, if I touched even the slightest bit the wrong way, I had to turn it back on and re-wash my hands and try again… I usually got it within three goes, though that was a huge sign that alerted me to my hormones’ being off in the first place the other day. Tonight, however, I didn’t struggle like that. I barely even thought about it.)

All that being said, I’m going to stretch and read and go to bed now – I’m exhausted. And I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, I do expect.

Post-a-day 2022

We work out

Today, I pushed myself at the gym, and it worked out well. I wanted to stop during the run, and felt a need to do so, and so I did. I got a sip of water and let my stomach rest, and then went for my final 400 of the mile. It didn’t feel great.

You see, I went at noon with my friend today. But I don’t know how to go at noon. Not anymore, anyway. I just end up messing up my food, and regularly start feeling sick during the workout. Today’s workout involved a mile run, twice. Naturally, I felt like I might puke after only ten seconds or so of running… and do recall that I typically very much like running.

Initially, my left knee and right ankle were feeling a bit rough during the warm-up stuff. So, I used a pvc pipe to roll/rub out the surrounding relevant muscles on my left leg, and a bit on my lower right leg, too. When went to start the first run of the workout, while I was already nervous about the absurd cold outdoors, I was also nervous that I’d have to give up after the first 400m lap, or even soon… as my knee began to hurt, I intentionally engaged certain muscles more in my left leg, hoping that things might warm up and start feeling okay.

And they did!

And the wind was intense, pushing me out of step more than once.

And it started to rain on the second mile run of the workout! Only two of us stayed out for the whole run on the second mile – everyone else went inside to switch to the bikes after the first lap (of four or three).

And the second run actually felt decent. It didn’t feel good, exactly. Not at all. But, on the section in between the runs, I kept having to pause on the Russian twists to burp… a lot. So, I thought running might be easier on my belly after all that burping. And it truly was.

It was a bit of a crazy workout today, what with my body going nuts in a few different ways and the weather going nuts in its ways, but I really enjoyed it as a whole. Thank you, God, for this crazy and wonderful workout and day. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Rest in the knowledge

‘I mean, I love him, but if he’s not going to take his fitness seriously, then it’s not ever gonna happen,’ she says with casual comfort and clear honesty. ‘If he won’t even stretch, then no way…’ She is not upset in what she says, nor is she concerned. For her, it is clear that, if he isn’t the one, then he just isn’t the one, and she’s totally okay not spending any strain, stress, or brainpower on wishing, hoping, or dreaming for him to be the one. If he’s not, he’s not, and there’s someone better out there. If he is, then he’ll make it clear that he is, which will include caring about his well-being and honoring his own body. How can we love another, if we cannot love ourselves?

Be not afraid. God is with us, even and especially when we feel so utterly alone on the partner/relationship front. God, grant me the serenity to be your love in the world, even and especially in the face of no agreement in my life. Help me to do what only I can do to share your love in the world. Help me to fulfill on all I am capable of doing in this life, through your will and help. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Still have to think about that year…)

Gratitude, Dude

I was a bit nervous leading up to today, as I was going to be subbing with the boys again. It had been a while since I’d been with this school, and I’d gotten accustomed to working with the girls lately. I was slightly afeared.

However, by the end of taking role in my first class of the day, I was clear just how perfect it was that I was there today. I love these boys. Within the first few minutes of class, without even trying, they had made me feel so unequivocally at home, I was feeling a sense of total ease, belonging, and love. Yes, they are dopes. And I absolutely love them for it. Don’t get me wrong here: Girls are great. But there is just something about how I’m made that just has the boys feel so much more right for me. Even as a kid, I was more comfortable playing with and being friends with the boys than with the girls. Perhaps it was due in part to my siblings closest in age being boys. I always felt more distant from my sisters, what with there being a nine-year and 11-year age gap between us. Compare that to the three boys that were only seven, six, and four years older than I was, and it makes a bit more sense that I ended up a total tomboy throughout my childhood. I also just prefer the honesty and directness of males, as well as their willingness to be goofy. That makes a big difference for me, too, and played a big role in my seeking out male friendships over the years and to this day.

Anyway, thank you, God, for this blessing that has been today. It was glorious. May I continue to be part of the beautiful formation You are offering these boys here. In Your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Bombshell, or just an actual bomb?

Whenever I see those gorgeously fit people – the ones who are basically the epitome of what we’re meant to do with the human body – I find myself just a little bit tense, stressed, on their behalves. I place upon them this ideal, somehow. Since they are practically perfect in this one visible right, they must be perfect in all the other rights, too. Their lives must be in order. They all must have a gorgeously fit partner or spouse, too, and an amazing house and car and job, and, basically, their lives are perfect. Right?
Except, I know their lives aren’t perfect. I know it is just an automatic judgment my brain makes, and that it likely isn’t the truth.
However, I always have found myself envying and, sometimes, slightly disliking these people for that envy, as though it were jealousy (that I can’t have something because someone else has it), even though their fitness has nothing to do with my own.
Now, that all being said, I must say: I believe I have become one of these people. No, I am not in the top tier of them, but I am definitely part of these incredibly fit individuals.
Yes, I am extremely grateful for this, for my intense efforts paying off so well. However, I also have found a certain degree of unexpected stress from my fitness. You see, now when I show up somewhere that is not the gym in anything that shows off my body or fitness, I feel almost weird. I almost feel like I need to hide myself, so as not to upset those around me who are so clearly not on the same level in terms of physical fitness. It isn’t always, but I sometimes see the looks people give me, and I can see that envy, the misplaced jealousy… even, at times, hatred. And these things hurt.
Part of me feels that it would be so much easier just to hide, just to allow the loud voices demanding inclusiveness and equality their way… and yet, where is the love there? When I am hiding myself in shame, in fear… what I have worked so hard towards having… When I am rejected for who I am… where is the love there?
I keep returning to Marianne Williamson’s quote about how my playing small does not serve the world… My hiding does not help… anyone, especially myself. I am here to love and to teach int this life. I am not here to cower. Hiding away or being ashamed of who I am is not honoring myself, my work, or God. I am God’s gift and an expression of His creativity in the world. When I am honoring myself and being my best self, I am honoring God. When I am ashamed of myself and hiding myself, so, too, am I doing that to God…
I understand all of what I have said here. I am convinced that it does not work for me to hide away or feel ashamed for my fitness and my fitness goals and pursuits. Yet, I still feel such pressure at being seen as ‘one of those fit people’.
Why?
I think it is because, to me, being rejected by others has been quite difficult in my life. I have had some very hard rejections from people in my life, on various levels. Oftentimes, they never even told me why I was being rejected, which made it even worse. Now, being rejected for my fitness isn’t about the fitness for me, but about its being yet another rejection.
Yes, that is exactly it. (I can tell, because that is what brought tears to my eyes just now.)
Okay, so, as my silly unicorn calendar said last year, I must remember that, whenever someone rejects me, The Universe is also protecting me from that person. For whatever reason, that person is not needed in my life beyond simply exiting it.
So, the people at my one job might not like me very much. But that isn’t because they know me. It is because they don’t know me. And because they weren’t willing to get to know me. If that is the case, then they aren’t people for my life in the long-run. It’s as simple as that. I want people in my life who both can and will love me. If they won’t get to know me, they never can love me. If I am hiding away myself, then those people still won’t get to know me and still won’t be able to love me. Therefore, be myself truly. If people reject me for that, it is for their own problems and struggles – it has almost nothing to do with me and everything to do with what my presence brings up from their memories about themselves. Being small serves No One and none. Indeed. Again as Marianne Williamson says, being true to myself and letting my own light shine will allow others to do the same for themselves. Though I likely will upset the loud few for being so gorgeously fit and for sharing that fitness with the world around me, the ones who are ready will take the opportunity as – consciously or not – inspiration for their own pursuits.
Therefore, honoring myself with my fitness, sharing it openly, also will be honoring and supporting those around me.
That’s quite cool, actually…
Post-a-day 2022

Dance, dance, dance…?

Man, I Really miss dancing. I miss the experience of simultaneously expressing myself to music while working with another, and of feeling undeniably beautiful and sexy, womanly… Dancing is awesome, and I miss it! And, especially now that I am so wonderfully fit – and that I am no longer afraid to be a woman, to be powerful, to be desirable and sexy, to be noticed and seen – I want to find my new self-expression in dance.

Man… (The idea of this all came up tonight, because one of, I dare say, the world’s top partner dancers is a sort of buddy of mine, and he reached out this weekend to check in with me. We only just talked tonight, and only for a bit, but it was a fun blast from the dance world, though neither of us has been part of it since the first shutdown in early 2020. I would love to dance with him… As it happens, dancing with him always had me feeling my sexiest, he so beautifully honors his partner whenever dancing. Even when I felt un-womanly and not beautiful in general, I felt womanly and beautiful and desirable and wanted whenever dancing with him. [And no, not in a creeper or weird way. Just to be clear here…] I wonder how it would be now, dancing with him, now that I already do feel beautiful and woman and sexy and desirable as a whole…)

Post-a-day 2022

(Just barely!)

QOTD

Today’s quote of the day? Courtesy of my mother: “Yeah, well, he snozed*, so he loze*…,” followed by and filled with intense laughter from the both of us. (*Rhyming with ‘hosed’ and ‘nose’)

Obviously, she had full intentions of using real words. However, her somewhat passive effort to switch the sentence to a past tense clearly failed, thus her quite literally choking on her own words (through laughter) halfway through the sentence. We could barely breathe, let alone talk, we were laughing so hard. It was glorious.

Post-a-day 2022

(Ugh, totally missed still)