Tag: bedtime

Ugh…

What is my story right now? Well, I spend my days hanging around, only doing a workout three times a week, and living vicariously through film and shows, while completely alone in the house.

It’s kind of a weird place to be, really – I feel like so much is close to happening in my life, but it also feels so difficult to do anything these days, with nothing really happening already, and no one even to see on any given day…

Ugh… and Benedict Cumberbatch does a spectacular job of making me want a partner in my life – he plays the adorable, slightly crazy, genius smart-ass quite well, and it really makes me want to have my own. 😀

Anyway… the show actually kind of gives me nightmares, so I can’t watch it after dark, and must pointedly watch something happy before bed, so the Sherlock stories don’t get to me too much at bedtime…. As I said before, I think I might be able five years old, sometimes. 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Uncle bonding time

My uncle, when he showed up so late last night, expressed interest in watching my partially watched film, if I were okay with his doing so.

I allowed it, and chucked inwardly at the request.

It was “Pride and Prejudice”, and he wanted me to to give him the low-down on what had happened so far, and even asked me to share about the parts that I preferred in the book that he movie had changed… specifically, some of my favorite lines from the book.

Today, as I was leaving my grandparents’ house, he asked if I was planning to watch another movie tonight.

I told him that I likely would end up doing that.

What film?

Not sure yet.

Do you know around when you’ll want to watch it? Can I watch it with you?

Of course you can – just let me know when you’re heading back.

Okay. I want to make it back in time to watch it with you.

Just call.

And so, when he arrived after nine, I stuck with my selection, despite the late arrival time – I was in the mood.

What film was it, you ask?

“Twilight: New Moon” 😀

I told him right off the bat that tonight he had the privilege of watching a cheesy high schooler movie, filled with awkward acting and likely bad directing.

I’m not sure he fully believed me.

At the end, of course, he understood completely, and even shared in a few of the most popular jokes about the films.

I told him that the main benefit, behind silly entertainment, of his having watched the film was that he was now in the know on a piece of very popular pop culture. 😛

He chuckled about it, and then we moved on to talking about Duolingo and Sachertorte…, as is our typical kind of tangential conversation.

P.S. I still love the absurd scene where Taylor Lautner swoops off his shirt like it is nothing… thanks for doing that for the world, man. We all appreciate it, even over a decade later. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Hormones and brain cells aligning once more

I feel that I am very close to being back to normal again… almost there…

It was actually really cool and then funny when, earlier today, I had completely forgotten that I hadn’t been normal lately – I was just so normal, and didn’t even consider that this normal hadn’t been my normal until the past couple days.

When something a little odd happened, as I considered how I hadn’t yet done something on the mental list of today’s tasks, and whether I would do it at all, it suddenly occurred to me that, until that moment, I had been being completely normal for myself… and it was a fabulous realization.

Sure, I was noticing it because I was entering into a tiny state of my miserable not-normal from the past few weeks, but that didn’t even bother me… which shows how close to normal I have come as of today.

I voluntarily worked on and almost completed (I genuinely didn’t know three clues) a Tuesday crossword puzzle, I did the extra assignment before an online workshop, I helped multiple people over the phone, I exercised without prompting from my friend (and she apparently skipped her workout today), and I even went out walking for a bit, despite the rain.

As I mentioned, I certainly had some struggle points today, but most of the day was not struggle…, and that was and is an immense relief for me.

I’m a few more days, I am hoping, I will be completely comfortable in my skin and life again…, and I am comfortably looking forward to it.

As for now, gotta sleep ASAP, as I volunteered myself to drive my grandma around for errands… starting at seven AM… what’s with me, you wonder?

We all know I’m a late night person, a night owl more so than the early bird… Well…,

I am with me… at last.

Post-a-day 2020

The Dick Pic

Women just about everywhere hate them, yet single women just about everywhere with digital means of communication cannot escape them…

They are The Dick Pics.

Why do men seem to want to send them to us women?

After much contemplation and casual discussion, a girlfriend of mine and I hit something that made a lot of sense: Guys would love to receive the reciprocal from a woman, and so they somehow believe that 1)women will appreciate their offering theirs free of charge or request, and 2)it will be a way for them to receive the response photo from the women receiving their photo.

It makes sense.

Except for the fact that women don’t typically like the dick pics… like at all…., and they openly say so to the public.

Yet men keep doing it.

It is even illegal in some places now, to provide an unsolicited photo of one’s penis.

I have never received a dick pic, actually.

But I’m not on dating sites, for one thing.

And I also wouldn’t be interested in dating anyone who might consider a dick pic to be a possibility period, let alone a good idea.

So, while a small part of me feels like I am missing out by having not ever received one of these photos, a much greater part of me is grateful for not having to have that in my life.

If and when I have a partner in my life, I can see all the up-close and personal genitalia I want – until that time, no photos, please… and thank you.

Tonight, I could have remedied this small situation of minor FOMO*, as a distant friend of mine reached out, telling me that he was in the mood, and could he send me a photo?

That wasn’t the typical request regarding photos… usually they ask for a photo of us…, so, I asked what he meant, and he replied:

🍆📷?

I’m in the mood

A long messaging conversation ensued, in the middle of which, I reached out to a close male friend of mine for guidance as to how to handle the situation.

Apparently, this guy just likes sharing himself with women who enjoy seeing him (specifically his genitalia) – he gets a rise out of it.

And he admits this openly and fully.

And, while I adamantly denied the dick pic request, I thanked him for his frankness and for his asking me for permission – the two are rare, and they were much appreciated.

He said he didn’t understand why a guy ever would send such a photo unsolicited and without permission, and was surprised at the idea that they nonetheless do it often.

Whatever the case, we ended up messaging about other things, once it was fully settled that I did not want what he had to offer to me tonight, and it was actually really, really cool.

I actually feel like we have more of a friendship now, because of it… and especially because of our openness and honesty with one another.

At any given moment, I could have gotten all offended.

But I didn’t… I have him space to be himself, and accepted his honesty… as I said to myself earlier, he was genuinely just asking for help.

Just because it was not a common request or one with which I was very comfortable did not mean that I needed to freak out or grow angry or grossed out with him.

It was rather refreshing, then, dealing with pure honesty in such a situation.

It was like the opposite of an affirmative yes, and in the best of ways… an affirmative no, in a way.

So, I still have no dick pic, and I am totally happy with that… totally…

And I am also grateful for the upfront honesty and no-nonsense of this guy tonight – it was awesome. 🙂

*For those who are not aware, it means Fear Of Missing Out.

Post-a-day 2020

Last night

Couldn’t seem to sleep well, but had to get up early this morning.

Went back to sleep after morning work was completed.

Slept hard.

Really hard.

Woke up and had breakfast at 2:30 in the afternoon.

Accomplished lots more, including a real workout for the first time in a couple weeks.

Hastily closing up chore shop, as I realize it is almost one in the morning, and I have to be up early in the morning…

Goodness, I am still not very good at this early morning thing.

Fortunately (and unfortunately), I have things I must do that will last well into early afternoon tomorrow, so I won’t end up back in bed for hours that will keep me up at night (which is almost a guarantee that I likely will be tired for most of the day).

**Sigh…

Goodnight, I suppose… there is much more to be done here in my room, and it has me wondering if I wouldn’t prefer to hold off another day on my departure to ‘the small-town house getaway’ that was scheduled for tomorrow afternoon… we shall see… tomorrow!

Post-a-day 2020

Homophones ;)

I never quite understood what was going on in the song, though I listened to it multiple times… I attributed this to my lack of knowledge on the history being referenced within it…

Even when I watched it happen on the stage, and I listened carefully and understood almost every single word in it, I was still slightly lost… as I considered it afterward, I saw that it just still didn’t quite make sense to me – why such a title and then have the song be talking so much about what it was discussing?

I was guessing that it was showing how problems in the government’s leaders’ lives always had a risk of being life-threatening, and so there were two sides to being in politics at the time (and a third during the war itself, but from an enemy, not an ally)… thus the “dual” of it… the duality, would it be?

Anyway…

It suddenly clicked for me tonight, though, as I prepared myself for sleep, and contemplated Lafayette’s 19 words in under three seconds –

And I’m never gonna stop until I make ‘em
Drop and burn ‘em up and scatter their remains, I’m

…

Is it “duel” instead of “dual”?! I asked myself in sudden doofus–feeling inspiration.

I quickly checked, and, of course, it is, indeed, the “Ten Duel Commandments”.

Still a play on history and phrasing, but not in the way I was interpreting it… similar, but not really at all the same idea. 😂

Oh, the fun of spelling. 😛

P.S. Extreme gratitude yet again for the beautiful gifts that Lin-Manuel Miranda shares with the world at large… Thank you, good sir… 🙂

P.P.S. Daveed Diggs,…. dude… I kind of love you for your space of fun and for your spectacular precision. 😀

Post-a-day 2020

Sigh…

Well, the unexpected has arrived again, and suddenly… I suppose it can serve for me as a bit of a reminder that I can prepare and prepare, yet still not be ready for what will meet me every time, even I’m a seemingly familiar situation or scenario…

I think that is a good one for me to take forward with this whole book thing and magazine thing I’ve started but about which have begun to panic… “What if I do it the wrong way?(!!)” my brain seems to ask on repeat…

Then I do it the wrong way, and I have the opportunity to learn from that way’s having been the wrong way.

And I can do a better job the next round, because I now 1)have done it, and 2)have learned even more than before the first effort… sure, I may have messed up, but I am better equipped now because of it.

So, basically, prepare as I can, and then just go for it already, ready to get it done, ‘the right way’ or not…, whatever the case, have an open mind and be ready to learn… period.

😛

P.S. It is so warm in here, and I’ll be sleeping on a fleece(? It’s something else, but I don’t recall what it is… almost like wool, actually…) blanket, as there are no sheets for me to use… I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep very well, if much at all… :/

Dear God, please, help my body cool off enough to sleep well and fully these next few nights. **gratitude hands** 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Struggle for love

Some miserable stuff went down today, where one party was absolutely irresponsible regarding its actions and how they affected those immediately involved in the situation, and that party also acted from an irrational and ego-centered place of anger and misplaced hurt.

Naturally, I was the party who found itself utterly unable to breathe normally, was gasping for breath through tears and a fully red and wet face, and who almost actually puked several times from the intense crying… it was very rough and very rough.

But why I share about this is because of one part of one party’s exchange with me…

She said, “I wish you could un-hear all of it.”

I asked her, “Is that what you recommend? That I un-hear it, if I can?”

“Yes.”

And something about that idea was beautiful to me…

What’s more, now, hours later, I’m doing rather well, allowing my psyche – is that who handles these things? – to release the words from my memory, and free me from their harsh, un-loving attack that hit so hard and hurt so much at the time of their issue.

It is, basically, the opposite of going over a past conversation in my head continuously, analyzing it over and over again… I, instead, allow myself to let it go, and to focus on the love I received from the party who wished me the ability to un-hear such mean reaction… I have been able to embrace the love of the scenario, and to release the rest…

Just as my tears and intense sobs released something powerful of their own – my eyes are actually still tingling, though they have been dry for hours – and my body relaxed at the rubbing of my back and the cool water in my mouth and throat, so my mind has been allowing the bad to release itself slowly but surely, and the love to take hold and envelope the mind.

Anyway… please, remember to love, okay? A threat of any kind can go much further for the person receiving it than we might ever imagine… please, be kind and act with love… eve if that only means that you pause before responding, so that you do not shoot out fear or anger as the immediate response, but you can respond with composure instead… and, therefore and ultimately, with love.

Sending love to you all tonight especially. 😉 May you love yourself truly, such that you are able to learn to love the world around you, no matter who is there in it.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can totally make me cry hard core for a while… whatever the case, though, be is sticks or stones or threats or poems, I shall heal, and I will continue to love myself, and, thereby, the world, too. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Panties and Power

I am wearing my Tuesday underwear tonight, post-shower and in my pjs.

I have discovered that my days-of-the-week underwear are something to the effect of ‘my power underwear’.

It isn’t that they are actually my power underwear, but that they carry a similar space and experience as power underwear might carry.

(My true power panties are actually some of my other style that I typically would wear for being out in the world… and they even kind of rotate around every so often, which ones are the true power ones that fill me with confidence as a woman…)

When I wear the days-of-the-week panties, I am excited and delighted; I have fun as child does; I am released of the big stresses in my life, and reminded instead of the little things that really matter most; I get to laugh inwardly at memories I have from them; and I get to enjoy the fact that I typically wear them not on their listed days, and sometimes intentionally so… basically, I feel good in them.

But they also aren’t underwear that I would wear out in public, typically.

Not that we wear any underwear out while in public, but that I wear them while I am out in public… anyway…

They are more so underwear for myself and for me time… my public underwear are all silky smooth, the no-show and seamless kind… these guys are usually for when it won’t matter about panty lines, because I won’t be around anybody else, and so they don’t matter… and I get to enjoy my days of the week all to myself.

So, yeah… they make me feel like a kid and they heal my adult heart ever so slightly whenever I wear them. 🙂

Good thing I have on Tuesday tonight – I’ve been needing some love and healing, now that I’m back home, in the midst of whatever this all is right now.

Siggggghhhhhhhhhh…..

Post-a-day 2020

Shall we sleep?

Some days, without explanation or understanding, I find myself wanting just to curl up on my side, snuggle in my arms and elbows, with no sheets over me, and fall asleep with the light still on.

I think it tends to happen on nights that preceded days to which I am not exactly looking forward…, but that’s not for sure… just a guess, at this point, but a decently educated one, anyway.

Well, getting even less sleep won’t help me here, so I’ll get to sleep, instead of avoiding it, and in a way that I know I’ll be actually able to fall asleep and stay asleep comfortably (as opposed to waking up all achy after a short while, because I wasn’t actually very comfortable in that sideways ball).

God, guide my day tomorrow, please, that I live love and joy, and I be happy, healthy, holy… Amen. ❤

Post-a-day 2020