Tag: culture

A different ouch

Well, my hamstrings started to grow sore last night… Today, they have been amazingly sore, but only when something comes into contact with them, or I have to go from sitting to standing. Otherwise, I guess I haven’t really noticed them much… But, boy… in those moments do they hurt(!!!)… whew…

I just hope testing will be helpful tonight instead of the opposite of what they actually need – action. Either way, I’ve got to exercise tomorrow, since it didn’t happen today – things ran too close to one another today for me to get in a workout. And that was totally okay for me, by the way. I have finally begun to embrace who and how I want to be around my own physical fitness and my food and such right now. I am exercising for myself, again, and eating for myself, and it has been feeling amazing – and so easy to do, too. And I didn’t get all stressed or angry with myself or my life when the workout didn’t happen today, or when I saw yesterday that it likely wouldn’t happen today. It genuinely has been okay. And I am grateful for that.

But I’d really like to relax these aching legs already. 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Ouch

Pieces of him in pieces of me. Pieces of him where they shouldn’t be.

That’s from the book After You by Jojo Moyes. The character is speaking of the rust-colored blood staining the edges around her fingernails, the cracks on her fingers. It is not her own blood, but the blood of the man she has come to love more dearly than she ever knew she could love another again in her life. He has been shot twice while attempting to save a person’s life. The gang members who had caused the injury he was attempting to remedy did not want him to succeed, and so had shot him.

…

This is all too real for me. People argue and complain about privilege. And it makes me sick. Why must we as a society constantly ignore the fact that education kind of is everything? We see it evidenced over and over again in society that a certain degree of poor education produces a significantly increased output of life-threatening, of disrespectful, and of dangerous behavior. And as a cycle that runs on a generational repeat.

There is no “us” and “them” in life, not really. We make that whole concept up. There are people and there are people and there are people – before all else, we are people. And yes, there are loads of other species out there, but they aren’t the ones running around hurting people each and every day. People are. In fact, it also happens to be people who run around hurting those other species on this planet, too. In a way, people kind of suck.

But that’s when we are at our worst. With proper education, which includes a certain level of true love, we get to be the best versions of ourselves. And those are the versions who heal the world.

But, sometimes, they’re the ones who just get shot by the worst versions who never learned to understand that there is no “us” and “them”, and who never learned honest love, who never learned how to function beyond their fears and their ego-centric view on life*. If we learn minimal emotional states, we live in minimal emotional states. If we learn only one, negative point of view, we live in that single negative point of view. If we are only ever taught struggle and stress and that the world is out to get us, then we will live our entire lives believing to our very cores that there is no other way in life…

*I don’t say that meanly. It’s a genuine psychological thing, where a person is not able to view the world but from one, ego-centric angle, due to a lack of emotional and psychological development… due to high stress throughout childhood and poor education.

Post-a-day 2020

Really?

I book-clubbed tonight… on a book about God. Actually, on a book about Jesus.

I have never done that before.

I had never really wanted to do that before, though, because I’m not sure I have ever really had friends who are comfortable enough in themselves to be able to see and speak honestly about all of it and their own lives and experiences. So, it is cool that I have a friend like that, that we are both like that these days.

And I enjoyed the book-clubbing… cheesy as the questions may have been… and un-relatable as the author’s experience may be for me (and my friend)… But it was nice to talk about such things and in such a way. I am satisfied from it. Like a few sips of sparkling, cool beverage on a warm day. Satisfied. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will determine much in my life. I wonder if it has any idea how much weight we have it holding so much of the time. Or how much we rely on it, depend on it, yearn for it, and cry for it. I wonder if tomorrow knows that it, so often, is the only thing that gets us through today. Or that we, sometimes, fear it, even, or want it not to come… not yet, anyway. I wonder if it knows the significance we assign to it.

I wonder if tomorrow has even the slightest idea of how much of our lives end up being devoted to thoughts of it, in some way or another.

I wonder if it would change in any way if it did know. Or if, perhaps, it already knows, and it always watches out for us along the way, even without our having the slightest idea about its doing so.

I wonder… 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Normal life, again

Reading the epilogue of a book tonight, I found myself smiling and marveling at one of the ideas presented by the man to his love. He is giving her money to live a life she never anticipated or even hoped to pursue, because he wants her “to live”. He doesn’t mean, he says, that she needs to be jumping off tall buildings or swimming with whales – though he very much likes the idea of imagining her doing just that – just that he wants her to live life fully, out in the world as a full participant in it.

I was truly marveling at how amazing that would be… her going out and bungee jumping off a tall building and swimming with whales. That any average girl (well, woman) would have done such things, and that it inevitably would be a surprise to anyone who found out about it, because she was just so normal a person – as opposed to an obvious thrill-seeker or adventure type, I mean. How amazing that would be if I could ever have my life be such that I could go do such things.

And then I had a thought that rather shocked me, and that I mentally sputtered over: I have.

My eyes wide, I searched my inner head for clarification on the thought that had just popped up. I already have done that…. both of those…

And then, clear as day, I saw how I truly had actually done both of those things… and I’d forgotten about them. I see myself and my life as so utterly normal, even I forgot that I had pursued such adventures. Now, to be fair, the bungee jumping was more like jumping off of a tall platform led structure than a downtown skyscraper or anything. Though, I’m not too sure it’s safe or possible to bungee off those buildings in the first place… anyway…. But that was in college. I helped a small group of folks go, and it was a total blast. And, for the whales, I have to check to verify that they count as whales. They were whale sharks, you see. One even ran right into me, and I got to feel he fellow, skin to skin, while we meandered together in the waters.

**Okay, I just verified: They are sharks. So, in a way, that part is even more shocking: I’ve swum with sharks. And not while in cages. Haha. Frightening, really. But perhaps it would be even more frightening to swim with something two, three, or four times the size… with perhaps several of them around. Hmm… how could I have that happen safely in my life? Goals… 😉

Anyway… when did I turn into this person? This person who adventures so easily, she hardly even considers herself as someone who adventures at all? Perhaps that is exactly why I keep feeling like I’m not doing the right things with my life. I feel that I am being unproductive, slow, and not myself…, and it might just be because myself is accustomed to adventure as the casual, the regular, the “Let’s grab lunch next week,” kind of statement – it’s just plain normal. And that’s why pursuing any semblance of normal life never quite feels right.

… Wow…

And that’s why pursuing any semblance of normal life never quite feels right.

Remember that, Banana.

Post-a-day 2020

Like Nike

I did it.

I didn’t know that I would be ready to do it today, but, when I went to reply to a missed message from earlier today – well, temporarily forgotten, really, because I hadn’t known how to say no without being nasty or angry st the time – I somehow had the will and the desire and the ability to reply, and with ease. So, I did it.

I realized I never replied to this. It wasn’t intentional. I’ve been busy rather nonstop all afternoon and evening.

No, I don’t want to message about any of it. Too much to it all, you know? It’s been so long since you and I have talked, I think there’s just so much to fill in, it wouldn’t make sense over messaging.

It’s also been really hard for me not having you in my life, not knowing what or how you’re doing. I want you to have the space you need, but I really would like for us to reestablish our friendship together – see what kind of friendship we want to have, especially now that you have yet another big life change. I’ve been rather upset about it all for quite a while, but didn’t want to cause any trouble or bother you while you needed the time. And I’m not saying this to be mean or to hurt you – not in the least. I love you far too much for that. I have been afraid of just disappearing completely out of your life these past couple years or so, but I haven’t been able to put that fear into words until just this week, talking with my cousin about it all.

What do you think? Are you up for reevaluating and reestablishing what we want for our friendship going forward for now?

We shall see what happens next tomorrow. While I am somewhat terrified at facing whatever that “what” is tomorrow, I have faith that my words tonight were guided appropriately, and that their honesty will carry them well – whatever the result of this, it will be perfect, in some known or unknown way. God kind of just does that in life, you see. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Remember to breathe

A dear friend reached out to me again today, sharing with me photos from her life lately. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about it, nor about her having reached out yesterday. Two days in a row, unsolicited…

I would have been overjoyed at this fact six months ago, or a year ago…

The thing is, she has felt more like a memory than a friend for rather a while now. I’ve grown so accustomed to the ache to know what she’s up to, that it has merely become white noise in the background of my life. I don’t even have the full thought anymore of, “I wonder how she’s doing.” When she comes to mind, I kind of just give myself a mental shake, and I move on to something else… I would be bothering her, is the thought that has always stopped me from reaching out to her, either to check in on her or to share with her about me. I already stopped a long time ago sharing things with her about my life, because she never seemed to have the time or mental space to reply to any of it, and it always kind of hurt or put a negative tinge on the happy events I had relayed to her. I only felt like it was okay to reach out in something pertinent or that was an emergency. So, I only ever did when I really needed some extra prayers on something – when I was getting desperate in life, and severely needed a friend. But the day-to-day of our friendship has been rather nonexistent for quite some time.

When she had a life change this year, and she said she needed to focus on that, I even stopped reaching out for the prayer help or friend guidance… this summer held some of the most miserable moments and events of my recent years of life, about all of which she knows nothing – I didn’t want to interrupt her life…., because that’s how I have felt recently, that I am interrupting her life whenever I am in touch with her.

…

And I know now that that really doesn’t work for me. It probably doesn’t work so well for her either, but I don’t know, really, because we’re never in touch in the first place.

So, I want to talk with her (though it is all too likely just to be text messages, because that’s how it’s had to be for reasons of time limitations in recent years), and sort it all out. I need to communicate lovingly and effectively that our current relationship doesn’t work for me, and what would she like for our relationship, and can we establish something that works for both of us? Because I know that it would be better to let go of the friendship and allow the space it opens up to provide for a new friendship in my life, than to keep it as it has been recently for me. But I don’t think that would need to happen – I think we both want this friendship to remain. It just needs to be re-established.

It’s still a bloody scary conversation to enter, nonetheless…, but I’ll do it. And likely this week. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Progress

I think I have worked out some of the concern around my exercise and desperate motivations. Unfortunately, it is ridiculously hot these days, so it is looking as though my only logical option is to get up for the now-imaginary 5:15am classes again on the weekdays for my regular. Of course, it is almost midnight right now, but I have a laser hair removal session in the morning, so I won’t be able to work out in the afternoon – morning is my only option tomorrow.

Here’s to hoping I make it happen! ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Tread

I tend to tread lightly… both figuratively and literally.

It bothers me when others tread heavily, loudly, noisily… both figuratively and literally.

I tend to take people off-guard by my doing so…

I tread lightly, but with intentionality and casual comfort and ease… yes, both figuratively and literally.

And when I am met with fear, I pause, take a few full breaths, relax, and continue forward, still treading oh-so-lightly…

I tend to read lightly, and I thus feel that I am often not even noticed.

It is who I am, but that doesn’t mean the noise and thunderous clamors of the world around me make it easy to be myself.

The hardest part is always the breathing, for some reason… that’s the part I always seem to forget, and it gets me just a little bit turned around, as though I am looking for the breath I have lost… when I find it, though, it gives me the strength to take my next steps onward and forward… as myself, lightly, intentionally, and confidently so.

Post-a-day 2020

Playing love, not fair

Have you ever come back to something from the past, mostly in a casual comment during a casual conversation, and discovered with surprise that not only are you not over the event but you are actually rather furious about it still? I had that happen tonight while showering. I was considering my struggle to do a workout today, and the friend who helps keep me accountable by my sending her the workouts whenever I finish them. I was imagining a conversation with her, sorting out why I struggle so much to make myself exercise right now, on my own, and determining what was at stake for me, why I want so badly to be so super fit. My motivation, it turns out, has been something along the lines of ‘I’ll show him,’ regarding a guy who judged me strongly, prematurely, and quite unfairly… which, I dare say, even without my recent struggles to exercise easily, I know is not a good enough motivation. I don’t want to have to be that way with anyone. And I don’t want to do things for someone else’s sake, when they really are for my sake. I want to be beautifully fit for me, not for anyone else. Yes, I want others to benefit from my fitness and also the physical beauty of that fitness. No, that is not the reason I want to be fit. And yes, people are granted an opportunity to see what they themselves do not have by not being in a relationship with me, when I am very fit and healthy and well. But none of it matters if I am not happy, myself. And I know I won’t be fit, if I am not happy. And I know being fit for revenge of sorts is no motivator for me – it is mean, shallow, and an easy escape. Rather than deal with any issue at hand for myself, I throw something like revenge out? Not hardly… I know to my deepest core that such an act is not for me, and does not serve me in even the least bit – it only harms and hurts me in the long run, as well as the daily.

And so, I now am re-evaluating two things.

1) What do I need to do to heal and to free myself from the stress regarding this guy who was unfair toward me?

2) What is my true motivation for being fit – why do I actually want what level of fitness?

Those are my tasks for the present, and I look forward with delight to their solutions, but slight fear to the tears I know must be shed to reach such solutions.

Here goes…

Post-a-day 2020