Tag: exhausted

Beginning to breathe

The first day of school was a decent success. Sure, it was way too hot in the building, though the air was blasting loudly – so loudly that it was difficult to hear many of the students through masks -, as it has almost entirely broken and is being coaxed into working reasonably until replacement parts can arrive (very expensive replacement parts). And yes, we ran out of time and didn’t finish half of what I had intended for the first class. However, I liked the kids, and I think the like and respect and, at least slightly, fear me. All of which is a very good beginning.

One student, upon recognizing me in the hall, immediately hugged me fervently, not for the first time. It was adorable, and also empowering. I had only been their teacher for nine weeks, and yet had made such an impact on the lives of several. I know that I will have to be the Mrs. Wood – the teacher who somehow made me feel pathetic and useless and not good enough and embarrassed, though I had always felt like she cared about me – and unintentionally cause upset for certain people, certain students. Not everyone is ready to hear me when I enter their lives. But, for the ones who are, it is magical to see how my dreams are being achieved in their successes moving forward in life.

I am terrified of all the work this will entail, the time it will take to do the job I want to do. And I am ready.

Let’s go, Clark*.

*Kent… because I am the superhero setting aside my workout gear, and putting on the undercover suit for a while.

Post-a-day 2021

Whatever happened to movies?

Whatever happened to watching movies?

And I don’t mean simply in the theatre. I mean watching them period.

It feels like everyone my age and younger doesn’t watch films. They put on a film – or sometimes attend one in a theatre – , and then spend a handful of seconds or minutes here and there, all throughout the film, checking their phones, or giving their attention elsewhere entirely.

Many of them talk during the film, too, and not just at the music or quiet parts – when actors are in active dialogue.

Half the time, that all then leads to their missing some vital piece of the story or a character, they end up asking questions and talking over even more of the film and dialogue, or they just miss it all completely and have no idea that they missed anything at all.

I no longer wonder at my being given so many recommendations for terrible films – none of these people are even paying enough attention to know if the film is terrible or not. They only see snippets, in the first place, and most good films will seem boring, because they are missing all the wonderful parts that make a great film great.

But does this really surprise me much? I think not. I have experienced consciously for years a lack of people’s being present in life. The same person will tell me the same thing multiple times, as though it is important and new… I pay attention and am present in those conversations, and therefore could tell the story myself, in his or her own words, I’ve heard it so many times.

I’m growing tired of this. Conversations on repeat is exhausting, especially when they carry so much emotion on the telling side.

I watch a film to be an immersed observer of an alternate world for a short time, to experience life from another’s perspective. I do not watch it to fill the time between my comments, to keep me company because I am uncomfortable being with myself. Sure, I have put on a movie to keep me company before, but it is always something I know well, and I don’t talk all over it, even then. Just like I don’t talk all over others, when they are talking to me.

But, even in the cinema, people have their phones out, and seem to have no idea of their disregard for the story that is telling itself on the big screen up front. That is someone’s hard-worked art – a lot of someone’s’, truly. If people aren’t here to experience and honor the set, why bother? They can look at their phones at home or anywhere else, talk with their friends (and over their friends) anywhere else. But either be here or be there – do not pretend you are in either place, if you will not be there fully. Pick a place, and be present there, fully. Period. It is a disservice to all creation to do any less.

Post-a-day 2021

Trippin’?

I am taking a trip tomorrow, and very early on the morning. I intend to be at the airport at 5:00am. So, I need to leave the house about 15-20 minutes earlier than I usually do, when I go to the gym.

I am going somewhere entirely new for me, somewhere I have never been. I am staying with someone I barely know and whose habits and way of living are almost entirely unknown to me. The person is a male dentist and homosexual, so I think the two bode well for a clean living space. (That and the fact that I saw a photo of him on his bathroom, showing me an outfit once, and the bathroom was tidy and seemed clean.) However, I do not know for sure.

I do not know the specific plans for the days and evenings and nights. I think we are supposed to be going out at some point, even, to hang and be social and hear music and dance around… he even has a date for me…

I don’t know what or how we will be eating, or when. I don’t know when he goes to bed or wakes each day, or what his intended times are for this trip.

I’m not sure he has any idea of my regular sleep schedule…

And I scheduled this trip all of a sudden one day, when Southwest was having a sale. I considered it briefly, then reached out the next day and booked the flight.

Who on Earth planned this trip? Certainly not the Hannah I know… She is much too cautious to do such a thing without having a better understanding of details on all fronts.

Dear God and Universe, please, help me to have a safe, wonderful, fulfilling trip this weekend. Gratitude and love abound in me – help me to share them with the world around me this weekend, please.

Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Breathing

Well, some stuff happened, some stuff shifted, and some stuff was removed entirely. And, you know, I feel loads better already. I’ve gotten myself more out of my head in the first place, and it helped even further to have everything happen as it did today to shuffle things around. I put things into place today to help me prepare for some of the more stressful things over which I have control, and that has been extremely helpful. My brain is very tired right now, though, after so much having happened today, and I’m struggling to make sense even of these thoughts right now… alas, I shall sleep… I am grateful I set things up to get me to bed early enough for a decent night of rest.

Post-a-day 2021

Headspace

I have gotten very, very in my head lately. It is just about time for me to allow it all to flow freely outward, to release the tidal wave that has been building, to be transformed into a mere splash as its energy dissipates in the release.

Many things are about to happen. As the dog in the book said today, this often means struggle for us humans. Living fully now can be extremely difficult, when we are expecting something big or something in the near future. I have multiple big things in the very near future right now. I want to be here for all of them…, which means I want to be here now, too. I will be with them when it is time to be with them. And now is not their time.

So…, hello, now. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

So much

Do you ever have so much that you want to say and share with the world that it just feels like it would take far too much time and effort, either for yourself or regarding the other person’s time and patience, and so, you just say nothing at all?

Or when, simply out of some degree of fear, you just don’t say what you really, truly want to say in a given situation?

I wonder how many wonders in life are lost that way, how many friendships never discovered nor deepened…

Perhaps it would be a service to all creation, if we were to start asking people directly and openly what they would like to share with us today, each day we meet them. And then, if we actually listened to what they had to reply each time.

That could be spectacular, I do believe.

Post-a-day 2021

Oh, no…

The.

Rash.

Is.

Baaaaaaack!

Ugh!!!

Once I noticed it tonight, I immediately took some of the supplement I had been taking back when we got rid of it. I also put some topical things on it, and I reached out to the nutritionist to ask his recommendation. (He’s the one who got rid of it last time.) I am praying and intending that this will sort it out within the next 24-48 hours.

Please, God and Universe, heal my body. I have been dealing with so much lately, it is starting to feel like it isn’t worth it to bother taking care of myself. My emotions are really starting to struggle here… please, please, please, help me to heal myself in all ways this week.

Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Alas

It seems my brother has finally made the official move back to the USA. I picked him up at the airport tonight, and dropped him off at his dad’s house (after a stop at Whataburger, that is), before heading back home myself. It was a lot of driving, to be sure, but who else would do it in the middle of the night (quite literally: midnight 03 was the scheduled flight arrival time)?

In a way, his expat days are over, yet, have re-begun.

I wonder how hard it will be for him. I spent a year in Japan, after having lived in various European countries for various amounts of time (though each less than my time in Japan), and it was tough for quite a while for me at first. He’s never lived in another country and come back home before this, and he was gone for eight years, almost exactly. (August would have been eight years precisely.)

Fingers crossed!

And I’m here for him.

Hopefully my sister-in-law will take advantage of my being here once she arrives. She has a whole ‘nother world coming to her, for sure.

Post-a-day 2021

Man…

While drama is certainly stressful, it is always helpful to get moving on something I’ve been resisting/avoiding. When time is on you, start, and the pressure will be off, sure. But even when any pressure is on me, if I start on something, it lifts a whole lot of pressure…, even if it isn’t the pressure from the drama.

So, though I still feel stress tonight, I feel much better than when I went to bed last night.

Keep chugging, Banana – you’ve got this. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

Drama, drama

I feel like the world was testing me today. Or, perhaps, it was just reminding me of why I am where I am in life, encouraging and empowering me to continue pursuing this path of mine that is, in so many ways, completely unlike that of most of the world around me.

It gave me a taste of all the drama that seems to go with everyday life for what we can call “normal people“. And I don’t like it. I am extremely glad and grateful that I don’t have that in my daily life. I can’t imagine the stress involved in living a life with such drama going on every single day… no wonder people are so stressed out. You know what I mean?

I am grateful for the reminder I received today on this fact. Yes, I do get lonely at times – often, sometimes -, but I wouldn’t trade it for the drama of having regular people around me. I want the best of the best, the white light sounds shining through people, the love embodied people, the ones who will be my true friends, who will help me be the best person I can be, as I do the same for them, both consciously and unconsciously. I want those people. And I am willing to be alone often, if it means I get to be with those people at the right times. Because I do not want the drama of being normal. No, thank you.

And thank you for the reminder of that today, Universe. I am extremely grateful. ❤

Post-a-day 2021