Tag: exhausted

What’s on your mind?

Every time we log in to Facebook, we are presented with this question: What’s on your mind?

Well, Facebook, painfully annoying stuff is on my mind tonight (and clearly I am not telling you about it 😂).

I’m finally, tonight, allowing myself to accept and experience the hurt I have from today and this past week.

It feels almost like déjà vu, and that seems to be what hurts the most about it all.

For the second time in a very short amount of time, I have met a guy and endeavoured to establish a relationship of friendship with him…, and I have been, while accepted at first, almost immediately denied the opportunity.

They aren’t being mean to me – not intentionally, anyway.

They actually are, in a way, being extremely nice in telling me that they don’t want to continue in the relationship (whatever kind it may be), as opposed to disappearing entirely or just slowly phasing me out of their lives intentionally.

However, what hurts about it all is that it feels like they didn’t even give me a real chance – they say they don’t think our personalities match up, or something like that, but they barely even took the time to discover anything about my personality.

This one, I’m not exactly clear if the comment was BS, in that he was actually just interested in a rebound dating relationship or sex after a recent breakup of his, and I was not sharing that intention in the friendship…

For one thing, can we please just speak honestly and openly about these things?

Would you just tell me what your intentions are, and we can figure out that way if our intentions align, or if we want to make them align?

Secondly, I was under the impression that he had a girlfriend – because he had had one when I had last seen him.

I was necessarily dealing with a mental dilemma, wondering if I was reading incorrectly into his seeming advances, or if he, in fact, was either A)in an open/polyamorous relationship, or B)was actively pursuing someone else despite his being in a relationship.

Whatever between the two, I was absolutely disinterested in being involved in the matter.

What’s more, I was looking for camaraderie or friendship, as I had said.

So, I was confused as to whether I needed to be disturbed with his behavior or whether I was seriously misunderstanding social cues from this person.

That was happening while I still aimed to be nice and un-prying – because who wants to be the person who calls him out on it, and finds out that he is in a loving relationship, and I was just way wrong and totally misread everything? – and give him the benefit of the doubt, that somehow this all could make sense, eventually.

Well, I found out eventually that his relationship had ended.

And then, after little else, he tells me that, ‘out of respect for me, he doesn’t think he’s interested in continuing our relationship.’

Okay… what relationship is that?

The one that never actually started, because I first didn’t understand what on Earth was going on, and then denied your somewhat unclear invitation – I think that’s what it had been intended to be, anyway – for sex?

Or was it for a dating relationship?

I genuinely do Not Know.

Like I said, I wish people just would be straight about this stuff, about their intentions.

I am not offended or the least bit upset, if you tell me that you would like to have sex with me and not have any other sort of relationship with me, or if you tell me that you are only interested in possibly dating me and don’t want to be friends of the dating doesn’t work out, or even if you say that you just want someone to date casually and with little-to-no commitment.

That would give me the chance to re-evaluate the situation, see how I feel about it all, and let you know if we line up or not… instead of your just assuming what my opinion on the matter would be.

I am extremely frustrated when you have clear intentions, but won’t make them clear to me… Just tell me, dang it(!!!).

What sucks so much, is that, had I known the situation ahead of time, I would have had a very different approach to it… I mean, he’s certainly an attractive guy, and I made several delighted grins at things he wrote or said to me… if I had known he was single and looking, I likely wouldn’t have been opposed.

But that isn’t something I can sort out properly in my head in an instant… I need a bit of breathing time to move someone from the ‘unavailable and off-limits’ category to ‘available and interested in me’ one…

Anyway…

I don’t know where I’m going with this right now… I’m just frustrated and hurt that, once again, a guy wasn’t straight with me, and so he has no idea what my thoughts or opinions are on the matter, but he decided he wanted to cut off all communication with me…

I’m an amazing person, and I truly know that.

It doesn’t mean this isn’t still frustrating, though.

What’s with people?

A friend said to me about it earlier that this seems to be something like a Millennial thing: The moment something starts to get uncomfortable, they ditch.

Granted, I’m not actually a Millennial, but the fad seems to be seeping into those near enough in age, and I am starting to feel like I have too many of those in my life right now.

…

Today, different people in two very different contexts told me that I am a lot to handle (and they didn’t mean it as an insult), both of them men.

One even said that most people are too superficial for me, and so my deepness and interest in being with people for real, on a real level, is hard for people who are used to living on the surface.

My cousin, in another unrelated conversation, mentioned to me that relationships with people can, in fact, develop beautifully and easily by people being straight and open and deep from the start with one another, as is evidenced by my relationship with my conversation exchange partner.

She brought that up on her own.

Another man told me, ‘You are a special woman. Remember that!’

I never thought a woman I [hardly know] could affect my life with such intensity.

Today, three different men and a woman affirmed voluntarily, with no request or prompt from me, that I am a wonderful person and am totally worth it, deserving of the best.

When does that happen in a single day?

Yet, what fills my mind is the one man who never even gave me a chance.

Why do our brains do this?

::big siiiigggggghhhhh………

I think I just need to experience and embrace this frustration, so I can let it all go.

Pick up, and release…

I’m hoping for a freeing feeling tomorrow…

Post-a-day 2020

Third time’s a charm

Or so they say, anyway, the people in my life. 😛

Tomorrow morning, we shall see if the third time, indeed, is a charm.

I have arranged now three times to meet with someone to make and create music together; the second two times being due to rescheduling from an unplanned event in the other person’s life.

Tonight, I had someone reaching out, asking me to do something that would be at the exact time of our third-time-arranged meeting tomorrow…

No, no, I just can’t do that… especially after making the joke today about – is it millennials? – millennials and how they can never seem to make plans and keep them… haha

So, I arranged for an undetermined future occurrence of the pop-up request from tonight…

Which leaves me free to attend our regularly scheduled Saturday morning program… I found myself wanting “One Saturday Morning” last weekend, so this is almost like a version of that for me: a Saturday morning of creativity and fun and interest.

In conclusion and in short, I hope tomorrow’s musical meeting happens and that it is delightful.

P.S. I helped my friend with the first leg of moving today, and I got home kind of late… I am utterly exhausted right now, and my eyes are heavy and burning… Once again, I did not realize that I hadn’t even gotten my shirt on for sleeping… I’ve just been sitting here in only my underwear, and had no idea… I am ready for some much-needed rest, especially if I’ll be musicking tomorrow morning!

Post-a-day 2020

I, phone

“You have too much on our mind,” he said…, “Hai troppi pensieri per la testa!!”

Is he right?

I haven’t felt like I’m thinking about loads and loads lately…, but am I worrying, having thoughts run silently in the background, like the pesky applications on my phone, secretly using the signal and draining down the battery power without my even realizing it until I’m suddenly at only 20%?

Mayhaps… perhaps… it may be… it might be so…

Yes, yes, I can see it… the money and the fitness and the job-related… those have the tell-tale arrows next to them in the settings section, declaring that they were recently using my location…, as well as a lot of “should”s… I don’t even support shoulds, yet, here they are, attacking my brain, eating up the battery life…

Ugh…

I don’t even want to think about it right now… that’s how tired I am – I don’t even want to put forth the slight effort of sorting it out… I just want to go to bed already…

So, I’ll do a run or two or few on the mala, and clear out my active mind, so I can fall asleep powerfully… hopefully it can and will last for longer than it has been doing, and I can wake up with energy tomorrow morning, ready to take on at least one of these pesky background apps in my mind… 😛

P.S. Happy End to WWII Day, and Happy Mothers’ Day!! 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

A delirium Of night

This week has gone so fast… I am so tired…, yet I cannot tell why…

Perhaps it is from the increased speed that must have been involved in this week’s going so quickly… when you run like crazy, you’re exhausted at the end of it, right?

I don’t know…

I stepped into an oddly-low-flowing shower tonight – only a few adjectives stronger than a trickle – and stood under the hot water, feeling the intense contrast between the newly-arrived cool air and strong winds from outside and the slightly-too-hot water falling onto my skin…

I rubbed casually my skin and my muscles for longer than I know, and eventually cleaned my body as I had intended with the shower… my toes were all prune-y… my eyes were barely open… I was barely moving… just standing there, slowly changing the angle of my head and neck under the water…

My headache subsided, but did not disappear…now, I sit(?) on the floor, my shins and knees and elbows and forearms pressed to the floor, occasionally dropping my head to hang limply or to rest sideways against the carpet…

My thinking is sporadic, my ankles and feet and elbows tingling… I feel like I have missed something that everyone else knows about for tonight, but I can’t distinguish even what sort of something that it is… a sense of delirium seems to be clouding my view…, but, perhaps, it is just the exhaustion beginning to close the edges of my eyes, thereby blurring the periphery…

Sleep…. is a necessity now…

Sleep… is my solace and my comfort… my medicine and my confidant…

…

Post-a-day 2020

Don’t know; don’t care – just do it

My phone reminder is demanding that I write – ‘But about what?!,’ I ask it!

‘About my continued quest to find my soulmate; the trials and tribulations that always feel like they are getting somewhere at last, yet always leave me wandering knowingly all on my own, much like before?

‘About my change in language tendencies due to influences by whatever book or books I am presently reading, or film I may see on a given day?

‘About how tired I am?

‘About how unclear my emotions are regarding having to go in to the office tomorrow, and to be in a world where a face mask is mandatory?

‘About how I really just want a banana and some orange juice right now?

‘And also like every day going forward from now?

‘What about how my dreams have begun to take such altered shape that I cannot even recognize them in my memory?

‘Or my desire to teach yoga and meditation in prisons?

‘Or dance to youth in juvenile detention facilities?

‘Or art and yoga to both?

‘And my pull toward being, in general, an artist as a means of financial support and survival and thriving in life – what about that?’

My phone gives me no answer… it remains stoically the same, brandishing to me the same reminder it gives at this time every night, though never quite so peculiarly times as it has been timed tonight.

Alas, I share briefly instead of the various topics that take up most of my brain power right now, and then I turn to sleep… sleep… sleep.

Goodnight ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Cinco de Mayo

Perusing the various social aspects of my phone as I get in my final required steps before I am allowed to go to bed for the night, I have noticed a sense of slight oddness…, but I have been unable to identify what is odd, nor really be sure that something is, indeed, odd… I’m just tired, and under the after-effects of a large margarita (from six hours ago, mind you) and lots of tamales and tacos to fill my belly and tire me out.

I had consciously decided to gorge on them in celebration of Cinco de Mayo – truly more of a Texas day of celebration of Mexican culture than a Mexican celebration of boosted morale in the midst of a takeover by France… – and to be delighted with the whole experience… and I have been – today has been great.

But, sitting here on my bed, there is something tickling at the back of my tired mind and body…

I wiggle and trench my shoulders a bit, and it suddenly hits me, as I declare happily, “That’s what’s weird! I don’t have a shirt on!”

As usual when I am really tired, I messed up the order of things in getting ready for bed, and forgot the one that involves putting on a shirt. 😂

So, I popped over to clothes, selected a soft t-shirt, and pulled it on happily.

Aaahhh… that feels good… satisfying.

At last, the oddness is gone, and I feel whole in my bedtime preparations. 😂

Silly, silly… 😂

Post-a-day 2020

Lifelike emotions

I did many positive things today, and they were rather satisfying, both individually and as a whole…

And yet, here I sit, cross-legged on my made-up bed, feeling a shiver go out of my body, both from the chill of cool air blowing directly on me and from the feelings of angst deep in my belly.

Perhaps this sense of injustice, of feeling lost as to what to do to make a difference for this suffering individual (i.e. for myself), is not actually caused by the lack of knowledge as to how I will earn money in the near and far futures, nor in my upset and still not having things worked out enough to find my partner in life…, perhaps, the cause of this belly-deep feeling is really just that I wanted some ice cream (coconut milk, not dairy milk) earlier, but it was already after 8pm, and this whole intermittent fasting thing that the nutritionist really wanted me to do made it easier for me to have some tea, instead of eating anything… until tomorrow morning, that is…

But now, I can’t tell if I really just want ice cream, or if my other concerns are manifesting physically, as well as mentally tonight…

Oh, well…

I guess I will find out if my nutrients were too low for today by being awakened by hunger later in the night… hopefully, my dreams can satisfy everything for the emotions, and I can happily have ice cream tomorrow at some point…

😛

Actually, I was pondering dreams while showering tonight:

Dreams help our minds to handle all sorts of emotions and psychology via our subconscious… and, thinking on that, I thought, upon feeling such dread relating to my disappointment of an attempt to date someone recently, ‘Go ahead: dream about it… that will let your brain handle the desires and attached emotions, and enjoy them all, but then let you move along from them all…’

And then, on a whim, I added, ‘Plus, the dreaming usually ends up a better tale than the real thing, anyway, so go ahead and enjoy it.’ (The real thing being when real life actually turns out successful in an endeavour.)

At that, I had myself wondering, ‘Then why do we bother with the real thing, after all? There must be something to it, if the dreams are seemingly better, yet we prefer to live life itself…’

In the book Ready, Player One, this concept is somewhat addressed – that of preferring a dream world of an immersive, lifelike video game to the real world… (I highly enjoyed reading this one, by the way!*)

I choose the real world, for sure…, but can I say why?

As I mentioned, the dream world has an often significantly improved version of life…, so, why do I pick real life?

My query for the time being, to be ever-present in the semi-passive side rooms of my mind for the foreseeable future… perhaps I will end up inspired by it all. ;D

*Reading meaning listening to the audiobook… it has a tiny fun flair of the reader’s being someone who is actually mentioned within the book itself! (I’ll leave you to discover who that is.) 😉

Post-a-day 2020

I love my city

I really do love my city. I spent most of the day today out riding my bicycle around it, and taking photos of things I like, so that I could send them to my buddy in Italy, so that he could see some of the everyday and the beloved that are part of my life in Houston.

(What a sentence!)

What’s funny to me right now, though, is that, though I did that and I exercised and I made delicious food and healthy and delicious juices afterward, and I sent the photos on, and I chatted a long while with a good friend while winding down just now…, though I did all of these things, and I was incredibly satisfied by and fulfilled by my day…., I suddenly am filled – in my intense sleepiness, as I prep as quickly as is possible for bed – with an experience of loss regarding that guy… I almost want to cry, yet I couldn’t say why specifically… but it has to do with him, I know.

It is much like the song I wrote the other day about loving my city, yet not wanting to be in it right now…, because I wanted to be with him, instead… I was just going through all of these awesome photos, and it was on my mind how much I love my city…, and then, bam… some utterly unknown tangent busts in this old topic.

I know it was a tiny affair on paper, but it wasn’t tiny for me, for many reasons… and I understand that it isn’t just going to go away – it is going in small steps, with every day involving less and less brainpower and attention occupied by thoughts of him and that whole situation, and also less intense emotions connected to all of it… but, even still, it doesn’t feel good when, after a whole day of being in great spirits about it, my guards of logic and consciousness begin to close down for the night, and I am whooshed by a sudden sad reminder of something I really wanted – something I expressed wanting – didn’t work out, despite my going for it.

I’m just going to sit with that for now… perhaps it is what will do me best, not to resist it or disappear it right away… perhaps it still just needs to be felt at times…

So, I’ll feel it…

Post-a-day 2020

Transition to adulthood(?)

Growing up, brushing my teeth was one of my least favorite things to do in my daily life.

That and showering.

I do not deny that I absolutely loved the feeling after completing either task – rubbing my tongue along my smooth, shiny teeth, or my hands on my soft, smooth skin.

I just merely disliked the whole process of getting to that point of delight.

So, I avoided them both, basically as often as was possible.

I remember specifically, regarding teeth-brushing, how I would sit in my Social Studies class in sixth grade (it was right after lunch), and I would scratch at my teeth with my finger nails, scrubbing them clean that way… and I’m not so sure I had brushed my teeth in the morning in the first place, unfortunately…

I did this in other classes, too, but it was a regular thing that I casually would scratch them clean in that class in particular.

One day, in a casual, lighthearted and playful, yet ever-so-biting comment, one boy (D——) mentioned how I sit there at my desk cleaning my teeth all the time (among other things about me, but that’s the one I remembered).

I was shocked that it had been obvious enough that anyone could tell what specifically I was doing… it always just looked a lot like I was biting or chewing on my nails.

It hadn’t occurred to me that he might have been paying attention to me on purpose, and thereby figured out what I was doing…, but perhaps he was watching me in the first place…

At the time, I just thought I was being obscene with my teeth scratching, and was embarrassed.

I might even have begun improvements to my oral hygiene because of that interaction and comment…, though I don’t remember for sure.

I just know that it has always stuck with me.

I’m not mad at him or anything – far from it.

He definitely wasn’t wrong – I definitely often cleaned my teeth by hand, because I hated the feeling of unclean teeth.

I just probably could have helped my case greatly by using a toothbrush and toothpaste more often in my childhood. 😛

Funnily enough, I still have my days of avoiding brushing my teeth, but I still can’t stand it once I notice the feeling of unclean teeth and I’m not actively eating.

I don’t scratch with my nails anymore, though, because I basically always have toothpaste, floss, and toothbrush with me, wherever I go.

I’ve become somewhat of a fanatic about brushing and flossing my teeth, especially after having to do it all the time with the invisible aligners I had for six months last year… they kind of brought to fruition my desire to have a clean mouth all the time, by forcing me to brush and floss all the time.

Now, it is normal for me to brush and floss after any time I eat, even without the aligners during the day anymore (only a retainer while sleeping, now).

I just so dislike the feeling of dirty teeth…

I sometimes brush my teeth if I know I’ll have to wait even a little while before continuing to eat… I have definitely brushed my teeth between appetizers and dinner on more than one occasion, I just can’t take it. 😛

I also shower every day now, but I hold back from multiple times a day due to a desire not to be wasteful with laundry (which I struggle to wash as often as is reasonable – many swimsuits have served as underwear over the years, you see) or with water, so I arrange my days as best I can not to have to shower more than once on the average day.

I had a panicked phase of showering too much at one point, but am grateful that that has ended, and I can function normally now (meaning I shower daily, but don’t have a compulsion to shower after every time I use the toilet…). 😛

Anyway, my retainers are in and my mouth is delightfully clean, so I’m going to bed now – I’m exhausted!

Post-a-day 2020

Pride and Prejudice and Candor

I am currently rereading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, as I tend to do about once every year or so.

[If you haven’t read it and you care to, be forewarned that plot ‘spoilers’ ensue.]

Tonight, listening to the audiobook – yes, I count it as reading, though I could argue against it in a way – while I rearranged and tidied my room, mostly folding laundry (one of my biggest struggles in daily life so far, laundry is), I was struck particularly in the section of Mr. Darcy’s proclamation of love and request of Elizabeth’s hand in marriage.

The whole reason things work out in the end is because, in going against all standards of propriety, Eliza speaks openly and honestly of her opinion of Mr. Darcy.

Sure, it is an opinion formed by false and inaccurate information, but these errors could never have been remedied had she not mentioned them so vehemently in their few minutes of true candor with one another – a few minutes which were quite irregular in society at the time.

And then, I thought, a few minutes which are quite irregular in society here, now…

How might things be so drastically different, if we were open and honest with one another as they were in that brief interview?

Would more problems be caused, or would more be solved?

Perhaps, at first, more problems would arise than we would feel we could handle…, but then, with practice, I think we would learn how to live differently, communicate differently, such that an unbelievably high number of problems would be resolved by the new way of interacting with one another with true yet kind candor.

It isn’t that everyone would be running around, insulting everyone else all the time… merely that, when asked, we would speak honestly of our opinions and our thoughts on matters.

Knowing that people would be honest, perhaps some questions would not be asked…, but, knowing that honesty would be given, perhaps more questions would be asked, the asker knowing that no offense need be taken from the answer – it would not be contrived, but merely honest.

It reminds me, too, of how, in the Bis(s) zum book series (a beloved German read of mine), the one group of individuals suddenly obtain the ability (?) to hear one another’s thoughts collectively, always – they cannot avoid sharing a thought, nor avoid hearing a thought of another in the group.

One’s pain is, in a way, experienced by all, and the same with joy and anger and any other experience, as they all hear one another’s thoughts, almost as though the thoughts are their own.

They all care for one another and support one another, and the exposure of the deepest and darkest and most embarrassing of thoughts of any one member, at some point or other, must be accepted by the others, if they are to remain together in life – so long as they live, they will know the thoughts of one another, all of the thoughts.

And they, despite learning these dark and embarrassing thoughts of one another, and of unwillingly exposing their own, eventually draw even closer to one another, their bonds made even deeper by the shared thoughts…

And I find that lovely.

How might the world be different, if we learned to share like this with our loved ones in life… and to love one another knowing these thoughts of one another…?

If we dropped our pride and our prejudice, and listened to the innermost thoughts and fears and wishes and concerns of those around us, and shared our own in return, would we suddenly be able to love more deeply than we had ever imagined possible, live more profoundly than ever we dreamed?

Anyway…, some food for thought, I guess you could say.

(Though I kind of just want some actual food right now…)

Post-a-day 2020