Tag: fear

Feeling good

I played ukulele today.

It was with my cousin from Indiana.

I hadn’t played in possibly a month, and then a few months before that time had been without playing, too.

I was delighted to discover that I either remembered or could figure out quickly most any of the chords we were using.

It felt good.

I need to do this more, music… my that that‘s anything new…

How about I clean my room tomorrow evening (after I help someone pack up her house), and set up the one guitar and the ukulele to be it and ready to play?

That sounds like a really good idea. 🙂

P.S. I’m going to the DPS office in the morning when it opens… ick!…, but it is to add the M endorsement on my license, so I need to do it!

P.P.S. I’m still enjoying the happy memories of the gorgeous guy from the gym, and I’m feeling almost over my little girl starstruck in love feelings about it – he is becoming just a person again… a gorgeous person, of course, but a person all the same. 🙂

Post-a-day 2019

Ugh

We enter into the scene at Hannah’s gym, just after she has finished attending the midday workout class… Hannah has received multiple messages from her girlfriend named Devon, regarding Hannah’s being signed up for another dating app while she was in class, because the one Devon used last night to find someone for Hannah to date wasn’t going so well…

Reading the confirmation code messages, followed by the explanation messages from Devon, Hannah is stunned, and can’t tell if she is excited or totally bothered by this new information just given to her, like a post-workout shake… Brandon walks in just as Hannah exclaims with understanding…

Hannah: Ugh!

Brandon: 🤨

Hannah: Devon is signing me up on all these dating apps…

Brandon: 😂

Hannah: Ugh…

Brandon: Well, I guess…. that’s… what friends… are for…🤔

Hannah: 🤦🏼‍♂️

…….

Brandon: There’s actually a new CrossFit dating app. I just read about it yesterday on Instagram.

…………..

Hannah tells Devon about conversation… Devon’s only and immediate response is, “Ooo I’m gonna find it”…

… cue another face palm for the afternoon for Hannah …🤦🏼‍♂️

Great day, huh?😂

It really was great, though… 🙂

And, despite the fact that I really am not pro-digital dating and dating applications, I’ve enjoyed considering the possible futures with all these different people – I only cross so many people a day who are eligible for such analysis, and so this is kind of an over flux of brain exercises in the form of picturing a possible future with various good-looking guys.

So, yeah, I am enjoying it a bit… but I’m also not caring too much, and am letting her handle things, you know? 🙂

Post-a-day 2019

A+

Well, I did it!

I did a fabulous day filled with fabulous 90° turns, both from a standstill and moving, as well as a bunch of fabulous other maneuvers.

I went a bit wonky on the sharp u-turn part, where you can’t put down a foot on the test, but I did everything else wonderfully, and passed the exam, with commendations from the teacher.

Have you ever known someone who was really good at something, but who was only just starting out?…. and the person was so good that you wanted to see him/her pursue it further, because you could just see how amazing that person could be at it?… I’ve had that every so often with students, and I encourage them to stick with whatever it is, because I can see the natural inclination of awesomeness at the subject matter within them, and I want the world to benefit from that awesomeness, as well as the student….

Well, today, I got to be that person, that student. (!!!)

After the class, the coach was telling me how I was such a good and natural rider, and that a bike just seemed to suit me, I did so well with it, and, what’s more, that he felt I really would do well getting a motorcycle instead of getting a scooter (the scooter having been mentioned this morning at the start of the class)…

He was actually disappointed to discover that I already owned the scooter, because that meant I wouldn’t be getting a bike anytime soon.

And, truly, I was really a bit honored by his compliments.

He said that, while he tried to give the guys in the class a fair time, he put me first on just about every exercise – and I noticed how he would use one of their bikes to do the demonstration, and then line it up in a different spot, so that person wouldn’t go first in the group, and he would encourage me to go near the front…. then, after one round or so, when e would stop us briefly to talk, or have use move to a new location, he always had me as first in lone – because I was the best in the class.

Wow.

I mean, I felt this way a bit myself, that I was doing best overall, but I had no idea it was something worth sharing with me nor that there was such a difference in performance levels, and that mine was quite so high….

It was a really cool feeling… especially when I got the paper to show that I can have the M endorsement on my license now and forever more… that part was really cool for me. 😀

Watch out, World – I’m coming in bright red, European travel gear again!

(And I am thrilled!)

Post-a-day 2019

90° into the future

Last week, my only struggle in the motorcycle training course was making a 90° turn while looking in the designated direction.

Funnily enough, I was so paranoid about messing up the turn and dropping the bike or something while I was looking left (for a left turn) and couldn’t see directly in front of the bike anymore, that I always ended up cutting over the inner cones… aka I was scared of hitting the outside ‘wall’ of baby cones, that I made the turn even tighter than it needed to be..,

Seriously, Banana?

Apparently so… haha

And so, tomorrow is the final day of the course… I have already passed the knowledge test/exam for the M endorsement on my license (M for motorcycle, even though I own a Vespa, not a motorcycle – a very powerful Vespa, of course), and I have passed the first few stages of the riding portion of the licensing exam, the skills test.

Tomorrow, I have the rest of the skills to learn and to do well, including that 90° turn that is genuinely the only skill that has me concerned… everything else is so natural for me, and I have done probably all of it before (we had dirt bikes when I was a kid)… just not a 90° turn while looking so far to the side (it makes sense, of course, in terms of safety regarding not having other cars show up out of nowhere, but I always want to watch the road a bit more than they like for the test, even on my bicycle [Yes, I checked how I do the turns on my bicycle this past week, and I do a back-and-forth head turn thing on my sharp turns.]).

Therefore, I am thinking longingly of a set of fabulous 90° turns in my near future (tomorrow morning, to be exact), and safe, genius diving for myself.

So, here’s to a wonderful night’s rest, and beautiful day tomorrow, and passing my licensing skills test tomorrow morning: Cheers! 😉

Post-a-day 2019

Really??(!)

Ugh…. this guy(!).

Part of me wants him not to be available even, so that I can stop even allowing for the possibility of something happening between on, and just move on in life (of course I unintentionally typed “love on” – sort of a Freudian slip, I suppose)… it certainly would be easier.

But it could be really, really fun and wonderful for him to be available and interested in yours truly… I think part of me wants him not to be available, so that I don’t have to deal with a chance of rejection… non-option is completely different for me than rejection, and I always seem to feel like I’m not good enough anyway, so I won’t be wanted by the gorgeous and good guys, in which case it feels better for them just to be unavailable from the start, so I don’t have to know the feeling of being declined for no one in particular…

How cool and awesome and amazing would it be, though, if he were available and interested in me?

Quite a breakthrough for me, if it were to be so, that’s for sure.

But I hardly allow myself even to consider it…

Anyway, I likely will allow myself one more day of this daydreaming and all, not allow myself to look him up online, and then require myself, in a sense, to get over it – enjoy him from afar and in a friendly manner, but place him in the ‘not a chance’ category and move on, without even being offended…. just accepting that my fate is not ranked highly enough for him, and we probably aren’t a true match, anyway…. you know… it’s just emotionally easier that way…

I guess we’ll just have to see how I feel whenever I actually see him next, and see if I can be the person I want to be, my best self, with him and the whole situation… it might go differently than it has with guys in the past… but we’ll see…

Hmm… it could be wonderful, but I hardly dare consider at the present moment…

Post-a-day 2019

Crazy Brain

Do you ever just go nuts in your mind, imagining the ideal desired future of some situation, even though you’ve only just begun?

I met a guy today (who is gorgeous, by the way).

The little girl in me is totally starstruck in love.

A short while after meeting him, my brain had already imagined and visualized a scenario in which this guy and I date and become super close and a wonderful couple, eventually semi living together, and, after months into it all, he meets my family, and my various family members have various reactions to him, as well as to the fact that I not only have been dating someone for so long but also that this guy is the guy I’ve been dating (because he’s not so typical of what others in my family have dated or married)… and, it was at about this point, I realized how nuts this situation was, and I just started laughing…

I met him about two hours ago, and I was just now contemplating – albeit passively – how my family would take the news of my dating him and, then, of our plans to marry… now, another few hours later, even though I chastened my brain a bit earlier, I have already considered the idea of how he and I might manage our wedding (wedding or not, and what style of what, and why), how we would live and where, and casual details of our physical relationship….

I know almost nothing about him, but clearly my brain does not care.

Is this a typical thing people do/have happen?

It is for me, anyway… I’ve come to see it as a double-benefit situation:

First, I get the fun and practice of dreaming up scenarios in life, as well as the chance to have everything go exactly as I would love for to to go – dreams come true.

Second, I get to test the idea of a future with someone, and have a general sense of whether I could see a future with that person.

I don’t expect my brain’s scenarios actually to play out in real life as they do in my head, and so I’m never angry whenever they don’t happen (though I am ever so slightly bummed, of course), and I take things as they come…, but it feels to me like my being able to envision a future with someone is a good sign – if I couldn’t imagine a future together, well, then maybe it’s a hard no for me, right?

That’s kind of how I see it, anyway… maybe my brain does it to help take care of me, to make sure I pursue the good paths and not the bad ones, giving me exciting possibilities in my mind, whenever I’ve found a good match for whatever the circumstances…

Either that or I’m just a little bit totally nuts… you know… 😛

P.S. A mere minutes after posting this, he and I now have a baby girl, and she is gorgeous, and he is absolutely adorable with her…

P.P.S. The funniest part to me is how I genuinely do think about other things, but they somehow all feed into another new thought about the future I could have with this guy… just now, I was thinking about the show we saw tonight, and then the summer camp where my brother loved working, and all the campers and kids there, and then the idea of how I would feel pregnant, if I ever one day would do it, and then I suddenly had an image of this guy holding what was clearly our baby girl… I mean, where did he even come from??… uninvited, he still shows up, and our future together progresses… 🤦🏼‍♂️😂

Post-a-day 2019

Yoga-yoga

I had my practicum – a practice session – for my yoga teacher training today (and then my friend and I watched “The Bachelorette”, but that’s a different story).

And I passed!

Yay!

I mean, we (my mom and I) we’re both extremely confident that I would pass, however, 1) I was still nervous, and 2) I still had to do it and get through it in order to pass it…, but I did it.

Now, I need only attend twelve more yoga classes, and then turn in my (digital) paperwork, and I’ll become a certified yoga teacher.

I have lots more to do right now, this month and week, too, but, what’s funny and wonderful to me about this all, it is all stuff I kind of really, really enjoy doing… so, I’m excited for the everything I have to do these next few days and weeks – I am patiently and determinedly awaiting my awakening tomorrow, so that I might begin on the first of many tasks for the day and the week.

It doesn’t pay much money yet, but it pays some and it delights greatly, so this whole pursuing what I love to share with the world deal is going really awesomely so far, and I love it.

Totally.

For now, though, sleep and rest, so that I might be a boss tomorrow at what happens then(!). 😀

Post-a-day 2019

Photo Surprise

I’ve had a few awesome opportunities show up for me and my photography lately, and I have been putting forth my efforts to make them happen and happen wonderfully.

However, this most recent one is a big potential opportunity, and it has me a bit scared.

I started going mentally through my repertoire, and came up almost blank in regards to what the person asked to see from me… and I slowly, over about two weeks, allowed panic to rise within me…. and then, of course, doubt at my own quality of work and actual ability began to show up, too…

And then, tonight, I decided to go through my recent photos and just go ahead and see what was on there that I would want to include in my current portfolio… and I was blown down, and completely cleansed of these panicky feelings – I have amazing photos.

Yes, I borrowed a camera for some of them, but I did the photos and edited them and turned them into the amazing creations that they are.

I created them.

And they are really quite good, especially for a beginner professional photographer… and then some, actually.

I mean, for some of the photos I found tonight, whenever I looked at them, I thought, ‘Wow!… That’s an awesome photo!’… before remembering that I was its creator… pretty cool, huh? 🙂

And so, now, all I need to do is compile a set of photos to send her that either meet what she requested to see or are a comparable alternative to what she mentioned… I have the photos, and I didn’t even know it.

Now, I just need to act.

Get ready, tomorrow – you’ve lots coming your way from me (because it is bedtime now, and I will have a productive tomorrow, if I actually go ahead and go to bed now)! 😀

Post-a-day 2019

Yoga, again

I sat for my yoga teacher exam yesterday.

Today, I received a message from the course teacher, informing me that I passed with a 93% grade on the exam.

Woohoo!

She even threw in a little thumbs up icon at the end of the message.

So, now all I have to do is to teach a practice class next week, and then attend as a regular student twelve more yoga classes… and then I will be certified as a yoga teacher.

This weekend, I need to figure out how to get those yoga classes completed before the end of the month… being on a tight budget doesn’t really allow for a sudden burst of spending like that, so I have to figure out trades and discount classes, and just find a way to make it all happen.

Which, I am confident, I can and will do… I just have to do it, and I have just about two and a half weeks to make it happen.

So, let’s do this.

Yay!

Post-a-day 2019

Fitness is no joke, and neither are periods

Today, I went to work out, even bough I really didn’t feel like it…

Starting in the middle of the warm-up, I felt like puking, but I took it easy and did the whole work-out, anyway…

I rested consciously immediately afterward, and ate two snack/protein bars to take care of myself…

Immediately after that, after I bicycled back, I didn’t want to put forth the effort, but I rearranged my plans a bit so that I could make myself an appropriate dinner and snacks for attending the show at Miller Outdoor Theatre tonight… to which I walked the two and a half miles with my friend’s dog…

Everything seems to be a bit achey going to bed right now, but I can tell I did a good job with taking care of myself today, all while staying in alignment with what I want for myself and my body and my health in the now and in the near future…

So, even though it looked way different from how taking care of myself usually looks (i.e. resting and relaxing), I took care of myself today, and on many levels.

I very well could have canceled all of it and stayed home, watching movies and resting and eating easy food, and avoiding interacting with unknown scenarios…, but I didn’t, and that’s the point.

So, I thank you, God and Universe and All, for giving me the encouragement I needed today to take care of myself in the right kind of way that I needed and wanted for today. 🙂

Post-a-day 2019