Tag: goals

Two things about music

The first:

It is funny, the things that get us, that get to us… I have been mostly totally fine with all of the splatters of chaos going on in the world around me these past weeks (the past one especially), and my life has been rather normal-ish… I have been bummed for many a people who have had work closed (and, therefore, no pay) or canceled (performers who, of course, now will not be paid for unperformed shows), but that is it… I have been bummed about it.

Today, as I read the lovely e-mail from Houston Grand Opera, stating clearly and beautifully that they are cancelling their remaining shows, both paid and free to the public, of the season (four altogether, with many performances of each) and that they are still paying 50% to all workers and performers who were hired to work on the shows, and, if we would like, we could ‘click here’ to donate our ticket prices to help them do this (instead of being refunded or having it apply to next season or something), I found myself full on crying… tears overflowing, body shaking slightly, a feeling of failed, helpless distress filling me…

Perhaps it was the first thing that 100% affected me directly, and not merely indirectly…, and perhaps it was that they were doing it all so kindly, handling it so well for the performers and workers they knew would be out of income probably entirely until the public returns to a life that includes theatres and performances and people…, whatever the case, it helped me to experience all the feelings I had been avoiding inside myself about all of this… I am terrified for my friends, these people I love, who work in these industries that have closed, and I am distraught for my performer friends, the people who light up my life for me with their every moment of work – their entire job serves the higher good in my life, lifts my spirits, heals my soul… how can I tell them that everything will be okay, when it very possibly will be quite terrible for them for a while?

I cannot…, but I can love them and value them nonetheless for all that they do, for all that they are, both in the world as a whole and in my life specifically…

I don’t know how I would be in life without them and all that they do and are committed to doing…, perhaps that is why it is so hard for me to know and accept the current absolute halt of their work… they mean more to me and my life than they ever could know or understand.

And I believe they might be feeling entirely useless and stupid and helpless right now…, I want the to know that they are not – they are as amazing as ever, and will be even more so amazing when we move forward through all of this, and they stick to doing what they do so spectacularly, both for themselves and for the world around them.

::big siiiigggghhhhh…

Second thing:

I discovered today that one of my absolute favorite places to sing is in a parking garage… I have turned unconsciously to singing this past week, and unabashedly so.

Walking through the parking garage today, I couldn’t help but marvel at how spectacular my voice sounded, reverberating so majestically around the concrete and air that surrounded me… it was beautiful.

And I am not exactly a fancy or trained singer or anything – very much an average, so far as people who understand and play at least some music go.

It was just so amazing a space for singing, it made my own singing sound worthy of being on a soundtrack…

Crazy, right?

Anyway, I look forward to gathering with friends for music dates in the future, in which we feel not so unlike drug dealers, when we meet up in various parking garages at all hours, like it is totally normal. 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Skin patrol

Let’s talk about clothes for just a minute.

In my life, I have often wondered with fascination at the girls and women who show skin other than arms and lower legs when in public (or even in private, but with others present!)… how could they do that?… how could they be comfortable with that, with people seeing so much of them, their bodies, their skin?… how could they even consider wearing such an outfit?…

And then, there was also, without fail, this tiny voice, afraid to speak, even in a whisper from the shadows, that cautiously murmured, ‘Could I ever do that?’

After going through a whole series of this and thats regarding negative experiences with my own body image, and with men as a whole, I was eventually certain that such clothing options were only for the harlots and hoes… at least, that’s what I would be, if I wore such things….

But then, fast-forward another few or couple years to today: I have really sorted through that stuff – intense stuff – and I am in no way in the same space as I was before… I am seemingly not even the same person l (though, who I am deep down is, of course, the same).

As I mentioned, the other day, I wore an outfit that I had dreamed of wearing in the past, but could not fathom its being truly possible that I could wear it…

(And yet, I had the dress… something within me wanted it badly enough, dreamt of it strongly enough, for me to own the dress… I just never really expected to wear it, I think… it was always just a dream…)

Yesterday, when dressing, I found myself wanting to wear this shirt I have had for years – it was in the same scenario with that lovely dress from last weekend – but have never worn… Without thinking much of it or about it, I pulled on the shorts I had planned, added the appropriate bra and the shirt, and continued on in my morning activities… and I knew that I would be seen by people throughout the day… I was fully aware…. including people I know.

It wasn’t until that night that it occurred to me what had happened… including the significance of it.

Today, I had to do the grocery store.

To dress for it, I dropped my PJs, grabbed clothes that had not yet been folded and that would be warm enough for this rainy day and the grocery store, but not hot or uncomfortable…

And this is what I went out wearing:

My lower belly – the skin all the way around – was visible to varying degrees, depending on how the sweater hung… the sweater is holy by design, and, though my skin tone blends with the brown of the sweater, it was totally showing all throughout the sweater, because I had only a light gray sports bra under it, no shirt… the leggings jeans pants things show every angle of my legs and butt… and my hair was pulled up and it of the way, allowing even more skin to show all around my neck, upper back, and the v-neck cut of the sweater on my chest…

And I didn’t… even… worry about it…

Not one bit.

Sure, I pulled my pants up a couple times after squatting or whatever, and they had been pulled down somewhat… but otherwise…, I was genuinely unconcerned about how much skin was visible on my body, how much my body was noticeable.

It all just felt so normal…

When I realized this all, I couldn’t help but smile with genuine delight.

I think I am free… of whatever this mind game was that held me so tightly and for so long… Finally…, I am myself, and I can breathe…

I don’t want to dress like this every day…., but I want to dress like this when I want to dress like this… and the free is finally released from me, and I can act comfortably and confidently in my dressing… at long last, and after so much hard work, I am free…

How lovely… 🙂 ❤

Post-a-day 2020

On thin ice…?

Tread lightly… tread lightly…, they say…

I am treading lightly….(!!!!)

And it’s making me sick.

My stomach actually aches from treading lightly here….

What if I just don’t want to tread lightly in this case?(!!)

And not from a place of egotism or righteousness or, even, disregard for authority…. from a place of genuine, heart-deep, conscious love and inspiration.

What if I want to break the ice, clear the surface, and plunge…?

…

The silly part is that I couldn’t even tell you why I want to do it that way, which is what makes me feel so stupid about it all…, and yet…

I want deep to my core to plunge… I am ready for it… I have been preparing…

And yet… I tread lightly…

Whatever the case, I think I need to give up treading lightly when it just doesn’t work for me – it is lacking in integrity for me to tread lightly, to be cautious… so, either I start doing some cracking and shaking, or I walk away, I think…

Neither feels amazing right now, but I can tell already that either is better than this as it stands… this is not uplifting for anyone right now; there is something better for us all here than the current state of affairs.

And my first step is to step already – either fully on the ice or back off to shore – and to do it fully and confidently… there is something better waiting for me…, for all of us, I guess, really.

Anyway, as Superchick says, though it might not be today, “someday I’ll hope again, and there’ll be beauty from pain.”

I am ready for this someday… let’s get to walking big time, Nanner, and deal with this ice situation, one way or the other.

Post-a-day 2020

Soapy dopey

Hmm… I may have just swallowed some soap….

Not altogether unpleasant… not physically, anyway…

I wouldn’t say that I like it…, but that honey flavor on the edge isn’t too bad… C’est pas terrible…

Mentally, however, it is more of an issue… I don’t actually know the guidelines for health and safety regarding soap consumption.

Though, I can’t imagine it being all that bad, seeing as how the parentals’ generation had their mouths washed out with soap all the time as children, and they seem to be reasonably okay, unaffected by it physically…

Even still… a bit odd of an experience. 😛

My mom said that they were given that pumice soap, whenever they were bad… it sounds terrible, but then it almost sounds better than a regular bar of soap, because the pumice could provide a bit of a buffer between most of the soap and the tongue – the texture would be weird, but at least less soap would be in direct contact with the mouth, and the tongue, especially…

Huh.

Gross.

I’m really glad I never had to go through any of that, though I can only imagine that I will stick a bar of soap in my mouth one day to see what it’s like – and I’ll probably try the pumice and the regular both, so I can compare and give an accurate opinion as to which is the worse option… got to be ready with such information, in case of emergency!

😛

Total dork, I know…, but I want to know which is actually worse.

Haha

Perhaps I will dream of soap tonight…

There is no soap, no soap like Zazz; no detergent, lotion, or oil with such power… in the shower… It’s the mother and father of luxury lather, the talk of the bath, the great ointment… One little frolic with new Zazz Carbolic, you’re scented, you’ll be sent!*

*Bonus points by the dozen, if you know the reference 😉 ❤

Post-a-day 2020

What about me?

In the midst of a deep, emotional, intense, and honest conversation, she pauses, contemplating… then adds, “How can you not be fascinated by me?….

“I’m fascinated by me(!).”

She is, indeed, quite fascinating, and they both know it fully – no one who knows her well would or could disagree…

But putting it that way just sounds ridiculous, and neither of them can help but to break into laughter at this dual awareness of truth and irony.

Post-a-day 2020

Every bit counts

I found myself going all sorts of places with negative thoughts the past few days, but then I realized and remembered something very important:

Even in the smallest of things, if people do not love and embrace and accept me for me, then those people are just not the people to be in my life.

Period.

And I am totally worth it.

It sucks when people don’t get that I am, and especially so when everyone except the people I want to get it get it…, but I am so worth it, I really needn’t worry… The love will come on its own, so long as I trust and allow myself to be true to who I am.

It keeps proving true, more and more so, every time I do it.

Inhale::::::: Exhale:::::::: Just Breathe, and be who I am… all will be well.

🙂

P.S. The bread thing happened again tonight… ::face palm

Post-a-day 2020

Wanna be… me

Tonight, for what I believe to have been the first time in my life, I confidently and utterly comfortably – even somewhat proudly – wore a womanly, beautiful, sexy dress that showed off my body (tastefully yet subtly)… at one point, a friend complimented me and asked if I had a hot date, I was so appropriately dressed (“I wish,” I replied, and he jokingly offered to take up the position.. which may or may not have been just a joke.).

I was honored and appreciated by his comments and by those of others, and I was so happy to be so comfortable – I felt entirely myself – it would have been overwhelming, if it hadn’t felt just so right.

Tonight, I was the woman I want to be… I said what I wanted to say, the way I wanted to say it and to the people I wanted to say it; I stood up for myself to myself and the world around me; I was at ease; I was a delight to those with whom I interacted; I was beautiful and sexy to behold…, and it was all without trying to be.

I just was myself.

I had two moments of consideration at which points I dismissed easily my thoughts of taking the ‘safe’ route, and I elected easily to remain true to myself and to do what truly works for me, the true me.

Frankly, I like this woman, and I want to be friends with her… she was so amazing… which reminds me: I am amazing, and I did a beautiful job of being entirely myself tonight, tears and love and sexy and smiles and all.

This was an empowering night for my life, and I am extremely grateful for the experience.

I look forward to being my gorgeous, attractive, beloved self tomorrow, too… and each day and night afterward, as well…

At last, I see that we can do this, Banana, and I believe it with my whole being… we really can do this. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Get your a** off the floor ;P

The biggest mistake was sitting down.

If I hadn’t sat down in the first place, I wouldn’t be stuck here right now, battling mentally with what it will take to get me to get up, go put on some clothes, and finish my post-shower, pre-bed activities so that I can go to bed and sleep.

However, here I still sit, leaning against my bed, instead of in it, and just a towel wrapped around my hair… eyes drooping closed and slowly rising again to determine if I have made it into bed yet, only to be disappointed to the point of closing them once more… the cycle repeats.

Okay, fine, I’ll get up and finish things up… I just don’t have anything for tomorrow, though I have more than one thing I would love to do tomorrow (if only it weren’t all dependent upon another), so it is harder for me to want to go to sleep.:.

Well, perhaps I can develop something wonderful simply by waking earlier than needed, and taking the time to explore what I might like to do, and then do it…

We’ll see about that…, but it is enough to get me up, so, here I go…

P.S. I Really want to go somewhere next week – no school, no work, no events… let’s either get a cheap plane fair somewhere or drive somewhere, a state or national park, perhaps(!)… ye-he-hess (Mr. Burns style, fingers and all).

Date-lights and date nights

Approximately 8:30pm, I pull up on the Vespa to a stoplight, a Chevy truck in the left turn lane next to me.

We both see one another.

“Nice ride,” he says to me.

I laugh, lift my visor, and say, “Thanks,” enjoying the irony.

“What’s you’re name?”

“Huh?” He repeats, and I reply, “Hannah.”

“Alex. Nice to meet you.”

I smile, and, after a brief pause, add, “We have very different rides,” wondering how exactly my little scooter is so impressive to this truck guy.

“Yeah,” he agrees, and then adds, “Can I have your number?”

I give him a large grin, the light changing green, and I lower my visor, shaking my head while I drive away, chuckling to myself and smiling super big in my helmet.

THAT was adorable, I think.

I smile the whole way to where I am going, thinking of how funny it is, and wondering if it would be weird to tell the guy I’ve just asked out, even though it is funny and worth sharing.

By the time I walked in, this guy – not “Alex” – was pretty much the only thing on my mind, and I had entirely forgotten about the stoplight incident – I didn’t even remember to tell my mom about it.

… I still haven’t told anyone about it… I’m so weird about dating.

Unsure of how things were left after my date today, I expressed my bit of stress and frustration to a good friend of mine, and the tiny conversation made me feel a lot better, though it changed nothing:

Hannah: Uh! This is so stressful. Why do people date? I can’t take it. I can’t stop thinking about him, yet I feel like he’s just not really into me. Ugh!

Friend: Yea when you said “dating sounds fun” I was like well…. haha

Hannah: It SOUDS fun
Like how communism sounds fair
Haha

Friend: Liked the message, “Like how communism sounds fair”

So, yeah… I don’t think I offended him or anything, but I think I just wanted to spend so much more time with him one-on-one than I was given, and we didn’t clearly ‘end’ the date, because it just flowed into the next part of the day, with other people slowly showing up and around, and then I got all into my head about it for quite a while, and rather negatively so…

I got over it after a while, but it sucked for a good bit today, the craziness in my head and my extreme self-doubt.

It had me wonder if it wouldn’t be good for me to go out with people just to practice being denied and still being okay with it and with myself, like how I applied for the artist residency the other week, 90% sure it would not happen… practice in failure, so to speak, in order to help me release my fear of failure.

So, basically, maybe it could be good to ask out a bunch of super cute guys, give it my all, and be okay with the high likelihood of rejection, and then, eventually, with the actual rejection.

I don’t know… it’s perhaps just a thought, not a good or great idea…

Whatever the case, I liked being with this guy today, and I wish we could have more time together.

And as soon as possible, of course, because I struggle with this whole delayed gratification in this kind of scenario… oh, well… deal with it, Banana, right?

Right:

On that, I bid you a good night. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Get Frozen

And the thunder rolls, and the storm inside prepares to release all hell on us all, a full-force gale to accompany the downpour… you can see the purples and grays, mounting their downward attack… the daunting sky above reflects perfectly what is inside…

And then you have a choice.

You can let the storm explode with its full fury, or you can let it pass…

You can be right about all of your negative, self-degrading thoughts, or you can let them go…

But it is up to you… your life is up to you, and my life is up to me.

I can battle the storm inside, or I can just let it all go, already…

I guess, if I hold on to it all, I get to be right about not being wanted, I get to be a victim, and I get to justify my hurt.

If I let it go, though, I can be free of it, and I can be free to move on to anything I want – I no longer have to be controlled by this…

And this might turn out all right after all, but panicking and building this storm of stress and emotions won’t help it to work out…

So, I guess I am letting it go…

Haha.

Okay.

I accept.

🙂

P.S. As though in universal support of my resolution here, I opened my e-mail to find this daily message for today(!!!):

Post-a-day 2020